What rules would be in place? How would you make the world a better place?

-- Anonymous, April 08, 1999

Answers

If I ruled the world...

1) You would need a license to own a dog, same as a car.

2) Pets could be listed as dependants, and score you a good tax write off!

3)Mid terms and final exams would be eliminated. Course grades would be decided throughout the year. Can you tell I had a bad day on a final exam? &*%$#@$

4) Drinking, voting and driving age in Canada raised to 21.

5) Compulsory military service for 1 year. If parents and teachers can't teach children respect for authority send 'em to the front lines!

6) Work for your welfare! No more free rides. Either that or welfare eliminated.

7) Same percentage tax deductions for ALL incomes.

8) Computer education made mandatory. Perl scripting optional.

9) Pizza, lasagna and poutine reinvented to be good for you, but still taste great!

10) Spice Girls, Michael Bolton and Hanson brothers sent on one way trip to the bottom of the sea.

-- Anonymous, April 08, 1999

If I ruled the world.. * I'd really get paid for being cute, instead of actually having to work (ugh) for my paycheck. *Even better, money WOULD grow on trees. *When I ask my not-yet-housebroken puppy "What are you doing Gonzo?", he would immeadiately answer, in Human English (perhaps with a really cute accent?), and say "Oh, I'm eating your shoes again", or "Well, I'm about to go potty right in the middle of the rug", or "I'm humping my squeaky toy, do you mind giving me some privacy?". **To continue that thought, let's just give him the ability to ALWAYS talk. Then, when my boyfriend is busy, we could have really meaningful conversations, instead of one sided babble-fests. And I could finally find out what he's thinking when he watches TV. *Men would instinctively know when to suprise their women with romantic getaways, a night out on the town, diamonds, etc. Their instincts would prompt them to do this at least once a month. *Sex would really cause you to lose weight. For every 20 minutes of sexual activity, you would lose one pound of fat. *You could pick the area you'd lose the fat from. *Breasts would have similar properties as penises. They would be resizable according to the whim or their owner. Going out to the beach? "Breasts, 36D, chop chop"! Going to meet his parents for the first time? "Breasts, 32A, hurry it up"! Trying to get out of a traffic ticket? "Breasts, 45GG, on the double"! *Every female would be granted a magical power of her choice when she 'becomes a woman'. We'd actually recieve compensation for PMS! "Yeah, I'm crampy, but I can turn my ex into a toad, so I don't mind". *Computers would be mentally interfacable. People could think at their computers and the computers would respond. For instance, the next time Windows inexplicably tries to shut down, you could think at your computer, "Do this to me once more and I'm turning you into a toaster", and your computer would behave. *Women would have telepathy with their friends. "Oh, do you see that awful dress Jane is wearing? She looks like a ho!". "I know! Her butt is so exposed that the Grand Canyon is jealous!". "Excuse me ladies, but I can hear you, and I do NOT look like a ho". Hmm, maybe not. *Instead of football, Monday Night Shopping would be America's Favorite Sport. Every Monday, women across the country would take their man's credit cards and meet at the malls. Teams would be formed that would compete for access to the best sales. Touchdowns would be scored by a team member successfully finding, purchasing, and bringing back to "home base" a sale item. Stealing of items would be allowed. Any woman not participating in Monday Night Shopping would be watching the television broadcast. *Children would be made through amoebic splitting, instead of actually having to give birth. When the female decides that the time is right, the male would retreat to a special room and bud out a baby. To contribute her genetic material, the female would just scrape a few skin cells onto the budding part of the male. *Someone would finally take Monica Lewinsky to a decent salon and get her made over. And then they'd throw her big ole' butt into a fat farm. *Hillary Clinton would smack the crap out of Bill on national television - perhaps in the news cast following Monday Night Shopping.

That's what would happen if I ruled the world!

-- Anonymous, April 08, 1999

1. The "Expectant Mothers" parking would be replaced with "I gotta Fucking Hangover" parking, "Just back from the gym and I ain't walking a mile for ice cream" parking and "Yes, I'm single and I can't walk far in these fucking heels" parking.

2. All single men would have to wear an identification patch on their shirts that listed: their name (first and last names so we can see if we want to be Mrs. Slotinski), age, marital status, annual earning, annoying habits, propensity for high drama and the date and subject of their last telephone conversation with their mother. In doing this, women would be able to determine the man's status as a suitable date within five minutes or less without the need for that pesky dialog.

3. Once a week all members of kickboxing classes all over the world would be able to beat the snot out of their instructors while screaming "TEN MORE!"

4. Marriage would be outlawed.

5. There would be no rules for the capture and treatment of prisoners of war since by definition of the word, war isn't allowed rules. (Does anyone find that odd besides me? "You can kill 'em out in the open but if you capture 'em you best be nice!").

6. You would be allowed to kill one person a month just for the hell of it.

-- Anonymous, April 08, 1999

Channels on TV could be swithched by "sheer willpower" when, like right now, MTV is showing 3x1 from Boyzone, and the remote is all the way on the bed.

-or-

TV would turn off the sound automatically when Boyzone comes up,

-or, ideally-

being a member of Boyzone would be a capital offence.

-- Anonymous, April 09, 1999

1. Husbands would ALWAYS act the way they do after they've just pissed you off and are trying to get you to have sex.

2. Every person would be required to spend an hour a day just daydreaming.

3. The T.V. would automatically stop working if it's been on for more than 4 hours straight.

4. World leaders would have to job share with stay-at-home parents.

5. Men and women would officially be deemed separate species.

6. Reduced Fat anything would be illegal.

7. A fashion magazine would just come right out and say that skinny models look terminally ill and zaftig women would become all the rage.

-- Anonymous, April 09, 1999

1. Money would be no object - Really. 2. Anything green would be bad for you, while beer, italian food, and hostess cakes would be nutricious. 3. Reading would be an occupation, paying upwards of 40k a year, varied by genre. 4. At least twice a month you could physically teleport yourself to any location you wish. (once for going, once for returning) 5. Swords, cloaks, and various forms of armor would still be in style, particularly when traveling through dangerous parts of the city. 6. Everyone would realize that diamonds are just fancy rocks. 7. Pollution, Global Warming, terrorism, and the threat of nuclear war would all be caused by the Shadow, and we'd only need a group of heroes to come forth and kick their ass to solve them. 8. Journalists would have a sense of personal shame and occasionally a conscience. 9. Law and justice would not be dictated by the crooks. 10. You really could go home again...just to visit, of course.

-- Anonymous, April 13, 1999

Have y'all seen/heard Christine Lavin's song "If I ruled the world"?

Lyrics are here: http://christinelavin.com/flashlight_lyrics.html#anchor1660887

-- Anonymous, April 13, 1999