What articles would you put in your magazine?

-- Anonymous, April 15, 1999

Answers

The Anus: More Than Just Another Hole

-- Anonymous, April 15, 1999

Governor Bush jokes on purpose

"Wow, I never knew that -- oh, wait, Mr. Show is on..." -- How to avoid a conversation about menstration with your girlfriend.

"Existentialism -- I still don't know what the hell that word means" One journalist's guilty confession

Spanish mispronunciation  it's not just for white folks anymore

Stunningly attractive women who would actually date you

Tori Amos: an exclusive interview in which she talks about faeries and shit again

My boss has fleas! Working for The Top Dog at the kennels

The secret of financial success from the nation's richest 1 percent: inheritance money

Marilyn Manson -- the unauthorized expose (he used to wear Fraggle Rock underoos, investigation reveals)

Polyamory: remembering all those thank you notes and roses

Breaking the vicious bitch cat that bytes you when you're asleep cycle< P> Writing tips from writers who aren't pretentious fucks

Missspeled on=Line Z'ine writings for biginners!

Reading Squishy at work while making it appear top your boss that you are scanning CNN.com -- 10 handy tips

Running a laugh track through the sound board: the improv artist's secret weapon

Lemons in your mouth and other beauty tips from Renee Zellwegger

"Why Dilbert is the most insightful and soulful comic strip ever" -- and other exerpts from the suicide note of a former reader

Terrifying jerk chicken from Shaggy's  a Reader's Digest condensed novel

-- Anonymous, April 15, 1999

"Grrr to Purr: How to get that Boy to stop being so darn grumpy!"

"Saga Frontier: Secret Tips to Expand Your Patience Capacity"

"New Evidence Shows That Biting Your Nails Immediately After Drinking Coffee Prevents Those Ugly Stains!"

"Pounce! How To Get Him To Willingly Stop Playing NHL '99 When You're In The Mood"

"New Research Indicates That Those Impeccably Groomed Beautiful Women On The Street Lead Shallow, Meaningless, and Utterly Depressing Lives"

"How To Live A Fabulously Furnished Life With Matching Accessories on an Editorial Assistants Salary"

"Secret Cupboard Space You Never Knew Your Tiny Kitchen Had"

"Yes, I HAVE Gone To The Doctor: Tips on Dealing With Your Neurotic Mother"

"Where Your House Keys Are This Morning"

"How to retain Vixen status while exploring the newfound joys of actual monogamy"

"Your Beautiful Cousin Gained 15 lbs. Since The Last Time You Saw Her"

"How To Stop Talking To The TV"

"You Look Good In Those Pants!"

"The Boy Ain't Right: How To Magically Intuit What Your Boyfriend Wants To Do Today Before He Gets Cranky And Decides To Watch Bad Martin Sheen Movies All Afternoon"

-- Anonymous, April 15, 1999

"Top 10 Songs to think of when you can't get a song out of your head"

"Don't be an idiot -- top pickup lines that REALLY work"

"Gimme a HELL YEAH: How to make your girlfriend a little more like Stone Cold Steve Austin"

"Bits and T*ts: How to combine playing video games and having sex with your girlfriend -- and make it work!!"

"Don't Think! Say "No" Now! Answers to 'Does My Butt Look Big?' and other female trap questions"

"Top Things That'll Make Ya Feel Warm and Smile..... when she's blabbering about her ex-boyfriend."

"This is the date of your mom's birthday and what she wants"

"Don't Think! Say "No" Now! Answers to 'Do you think she's attractive?' and other female trap questions"

"Hustler Chicks Who Pee In Coffee -- and the Billy Blanks lookalikes who like them"

"Don't Think! Say "No" Now! Answers to 'Am I Smothering You?' and other female trap questions"

"Shlub: The Life Story of the Guy In the Grey Tank Top on Tae-Bo Basic"

"Don't Think! Say "No" Now! Answers to 'Does this dress make me look fat?' and other female trap questions"

-- Anonymous, April 15, 1999

"Technology Today: How to make that sexy woman across the room disintegrate before your man can notice her"

"A puppy's need to hump: Is this really necessary?"

"Letters from the heart - One woman's story of surviving one of those 'not-so-fresh' feelings"

"Sheer, matte, or 'oh, who cares anyway'?"

"What do to do to avoid those silent stinkers during foreplay"

"New ticklish places on men that you never knew could bring him to his knees!"

"Inside Story: What's really behind his sighs"

"Ten sneaky tips to eliminate his monster morning breath."

"Personal time - Ever feel the need to assassinate PlayStation's creator? You're not alone. Find out why!"

"Between the Sheets: Does your man feel as if it's his obligation to pass gas when you least expect it? We've got your paybacks here!"

"This Month's Feature: Ever sat at a light next to a van full of studs? Here's a quick and easy way to convert your Yugo into a powerful, object of testicular envy, tire smoker! Floor it, girl!"

"Gaydar: Do you have it in you? How to tell if he's rootin' for the same team before you look like an ass!"

"Health: Is 'blueballs' really a valid excuse?"

-- Anonymous, April 15, 1999

"The Ding-Dong Diet: Eating Hostess Products to Get A Buff Bod"

"North Suburban Boston Community Theater: The New Gate to Hollywood Fame!"

"How to Get That Cute Greek Grad. Student to Throw Down With You"

"Treasures from Trash: A House Beautiful Expose on the Dumpster-Diving Set"

"Pulitzer Committee Expresses Interest in Stories by Neurotic Gay 30- Something Clerical Workers"

"The 80's Are Back With a Vengeance! Get Out Those Parachute Pants!"

"Irish Tanning Tips"

"You're So Hot When You Whine in HTML: Why Online Journallers are So Damned Sexy"

"1000 Part Time, Entry-Level Jobs that Pay Over 50K/Year"

"The Norm MacDonald Syndrome: Why So Many Bad Comedians Have Sitcoms"

"Kathie Lee Gifford Abducted by Aliens!"

"People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive, 1999: Why We Picked an Unknown Playwright from Boston"

-- Anonymous, April 16, 1999

"How To Get Your Lover to Really Read Your Mind!"

"10 Gifts That Will Make Your Mother-in-Law Adore You"

"EXCLUSIVE: Interview with Bill Gates! 'It was all supposed to be a joke,' he sobs."

"Horoscope: Lottery Number that Work"

"Techno-Babe: Why Writing Your Own HTML is So Much Sexier!"

"Quake Cheats and Myth Tricks For Chicks"

"Hiring A Cleaning Service: How not to feel guilty about how nasty your house looks on that first visit"

-- Anonymous, April 16, 1999

Try, Try Again -- Men Who've Conquered Premature Ejaculation

Soap and Water, The Only Makeup Needed

What the Hell is That? -- Stain Identification for the Amateur

Men doing Housework in the Nude -- The Pullout Calendar

What Ever Happened to Morris the Cat? ...Famous Cats in Rehab

Depression, the New Ideal

Eating Out for Free: The Art of Finding the Hair

Wine and Cheese and Canapies, Please -- The City's Tastiest Art Openings, or Who Cares About the Fucking Art, Pass the Brie!

Coffee: God in a Mug

Running Away From Home: The Primer for Adults with Responsibilities

-- Anonymous, April 16, 1999