Have you ever had a plan to make your place totally Pottery Barn but it ended up completely Hee-Haw?

-- Anonymous, April 22, 1999

Answers

Well, being a bachelor, I don't do the Pottery Barn thing. Also not being in Texas prevents me from looking to rural. I'm an urban dweller, so I gotta look Rico Suave.

So I got my bed at Ikea, and it's this low quasi-Asian style looking thing, with a headboard that is solid and kind of fans out so it's wider than the bed. But anyway, after getting that, two words for ya:

Satin Sheets.

Originally I got it to make my place look as pimpin' as possible, which it does, but as a comfort thing, I LOVE them. After you learn how not to slide around all night, they are the best things you'll ever sleep in. I've had a friend stay over, and although we're just friends, and didn't do anything that relates to what the sheets are made for (wink wink), she did say that the bed was the most comfortable thing in the world.

So, I don't know if it works for couples to have them, I think they're too "sowing your wild oats", but if you get the chance, try 'em out sometime.

The rest of my apartment though, a total disaster. I try and go for the "piecemeal, nothing-in-this-place-matches type of look."

-- Anonymous, April 22, 1999

I didn't even get to mention the chair yet. The new chair takes up most of the living room. So much space, in fact, that we have to keep the ottoman on the other side of the room and just let it go to the cats. They keep fighting over it anyway, and I'd rather have Wild Kingdom in a corner of the house and not center stage.

And because of where the cable is located the television must be in this one place, and it's impossible to position both the chair and the futon in a way so that you can see the television from either place without having to turn your head.

So I sit sideways on the chair and drape my legs over the arms, just like my mother always told me not to.

But it's my chair. It's my house. It's my rules. In fact, next time she comes over I'm making her sit sideways on the chair. Hey, as long as she's under my roof she's gonna follow my rules, right?

Then I'll make her talk on the phone until three in the morning. But she won't really be talking, she'll just be sitting on the phone with someone while she watches television and the person she's talking to is watching the same show and periodically they will discuss whatever is on.

-- Anonymous, April 22, 1999

I got married recently, and moved into my husbands house-his former bachelor pad. He did ok for a guy, he picked out a theme that he liked, and he just went with it. Unfortunetly, our house is at the beach, so the theme he went with was 'fish'. Many fish in every room. Fish pictures, fish mobiles, a mess 'o ceremic fish hanging from twine, like he just reeled 'em in down at creek (2 of these, actually), fish platters, fish soap dishes. It's amazing what you can get with fish on it. I'm slowly de-fishing the place.

-- Anonymous, April 22, 1999

How exactly does one master the trick of sleeping on satin sheets without sliding off? I had them for a couple of years when I was a teenager, and I never learned that trick. My pillow used to shoot right off the bed about fifty times a night, and when I woke up in the morning my comforter (also satin) was always on the floor. Plus they were really cold and kind of creepy feeling.

But I've taken the opposite approach, Pamie -- I'm going for Hee Haw and hoping to accidentally wind up at Martha Stewart. It's depressing.

-- Anonymous, April 22, 1999

Ah, the satin sheet trick. See, it's a zen thing. You must concentrate, grasshopper. Concentrate -- believe you are one with the sheet and you shall not slip and slide off it.

Actually I have a sham pillow underneath and that's not made of satin, it's made of the second most swanky material on earth -- velvet. But that latches to the satin, preventing the pillow from squirting out of there. I don't know how the satin comforter would work with the satin sheet.

I'm ensconced in satin and velvet. Oh so swanky!! My friend calls it the John Shaft Bed, after the blaxploitation movie character. But in all seriousness, the thing is great. Very comfortable.

As for chairs, Pamie, I have the ultimate guy chair. Yes, the Lazy Boy.

My final decoration for the place is going to be something I've wanted ever since I saw Rickey Schroeder had one on Silver Spoons....

A full sized Pac Man machine.

YEAH BABY!!

-- Anonymous, April 22, 1999

Being from Canada, I never knew the wonder that is Pottery Barn until I went to New York. I wish it wouldn't be sooo expensive to ship stuff here...

My fetish is Ikea. Almost everything in my living room and bedroom is Ikea. I think I'm continually buying there because I hope that my rooms will look so effortlessly put together like it looks in the catalogues. But it never does. The other night I was saying to The Big J how I want to redo our living room with a wood finish entertainment unit on page 51, and a coffee table from page 128. He said not everything has to come from Ikea. But it does -- he just doesn't understand.

-- Anonymous, April 22, 1999

I tried the Martha Stewart thing I even get a subscription to Living (I'm sick, I know) but I do end up with the drunk Martha look better than anyone I know. from the dogs playing poker painting (belongs to my girlfriend not me) and the Velvet Elvis(es) and all the rest of the junk I managed to collect (mostly pin ups) my home has ended up looking like it was decorated by martha stewart if she had been on three day bender.

-- Anonymous, April 23, 1999

Happily, I was able to ecape the dogs playing poker. We have dogs playing pool, though.

-- Anonymous, April 23, 1999

You have dogs playing pool? I have nothing. Nothing. I also got married recently, and my husband was raised by his mother, a lovely woman whose favourite colour is white and who thinks that have a cushion on the sofa is being cluttered. Unfortunately I favour that casual 'leave all your belongings in great big heaps on every available surface' look, so between the two of us the place either looks like some kind of minimalist clinic or the local branch of Oxfam (thrift shop for you Americans).

We're now looking to buy, and I can already predict that I'll want moulded plaster ceilings and he'll want sleek white surfaces. We've decided to compromise by completely decorating a room each and trying to let our two styles co-exist in the rest of the flat. It will look like some split-personality person has been let loose.

It's not like I didn't know ... he was my flatmate, after all.

-- Anonymous, April 23, 1999

I'd rather have nothing than dogs playing pool. It's in our livingroom, sandwiched in between two arty looking pictures a graphic designer friend did. Totally out of place. I guess it could be worse -- it was going to be a velvet Elvis painting.

I totally know what you mean about schizo decorating. My taste is very modern (at least, I think it is) and my boyfriend's taste is very kitsch/junk/70s. You can imagine the arguments.

-- Anonymous, April 23, 1999

Dogs playing pool, you say? Quite nasty, but I think perhaps I can top even that. My ex-boyfriend (that'd be Mr. Dumb Ass) refused to let me take down: a) a huge, really tacky Marilyn Monroe flag hanging from the living room ceiling; b) a large poster in the kitchen that had a couple walking along a beach in the sunset and the "Footprints" poem stenciled on top; and c) a photo of his ex-wife in her wedding dress. Oh, how I long to martha-up the place we're living in now...alas, no money. But we do have a kool-aid yellow vinyl couch, that I've so tastefully covered in a sunflower print blanket that I bought at wal-mart. And you just can't help but stare at the pumpkin-orange la-Z-Boy (tm) that shares the living room with Vinyl Couch.

-- Anonymous, April 23, 1999

Oh, man. The footprints poem. That's some funny shit.

I'm pretty lucky that Eric didn't have anything tacky that I had to put up with when we moved in together. In fact, he's the one that has to put up with the large amount of Pooh shit that's all over the house.

He does have a large collection of sneakers that end up in piles all over the house. I try to make them a little more homey. You know, putting a few daises in the center of the pile, or putting them next to a nice hollandaise sauce, but then Taylor eats the sauce or the flowers and ends up puking in my bra.

As I look over this post I realize that there's probably a reason that I don't post at night.

-- Anonymous, April 24, 1999

Oh yeah? We have a pterydactyl (spelled horribly wrong, I know, but you know what I mean) hanging from our living room light fixture. It has a fan on its bum and when you flip the switch, the fan starts up and it flies in circles. The creepiest part of this is that it hangs from fishing wire, so unless you're up close you can't tell that it's hanging from something -- it looks like it's just floating there.

-- Anonymous, April 24, 1999

Carly, I rather like the pterodactyl idea. Then again, I love all things reptilian. I even have little plastic lizards glued to the edges of my monitor. Steve decided to do his own redecorating yesterday. We were eating pancakes in the bedroom (we always eat in the bedroom. our computers are in the bedroom. the TV is in the bedroom. we rarely leave the bedroom.)with honey. When we were done, Steve carried the dishes and the container of honey downstairs to the kitchen. Suddenly I heard "oh. crap. ohhhh crap." the honey container had tipped onto its side, and the lid had fallen off. There was a trail of honey, going from the bedroom, all the way down the stairs, across the living room, and into the kitchen. Oops. Did I mention that we have a brand new carpet? So...anybody have any brilliant ideas on how to remove honey from a carpet?

-- Anonymous, April 24, 1999

OK, now I know integrating a former bachelor into your lifestyle is tough, with all the nice crap he's collected over the years and refuses to give up, but ya gotta bend a little.

My mom when she married my stepfather had a very nice house that I grew up in, just nice. But he came in, and he's a Philly sports nut, so he had to add his touches to the house. So my mom granted him, in exchange for redoing the whole living room and dining room, a small corner of the den, on which he was able to put up his Philly Sports Wall of Fame. So, yes, in this nice domestic den, there is a wall full of Dr. J, and Eric Lindros.

But it kept him happy. See, guys NEED to have that one sliver of bachelordom to hang onto -- something that is THEIR identity. I've never had to live with a girlfriend yet, but when I do, I'll let her decorate any way she wants, but there will have to be some small corner of a room somewhere that is "me unfettered."

-- Anonymous, April 25, 1999

When I met my hub he lived in a much-bachelor apt with 3 cats that threw up any old place they wanted. He'd let it dry and then kind of kick it with his foot then vacuum it up. He also had all this plastic 1970's stuff that was even bad in the 70's...pink fish and bubbles (plastic) in the bathroom, the footprints thing and a fake waterfall in a bird cage kind of deal in the dining room, and these 3 ton plates from the 80's. He broke my heart when he told me all these lovely Decorator Items had belonged to his (departed) mother. There was even a certain amount of red velvet and one of those loopy red yarn crafts-sale poodle toilet paper covers.

My answer: boxes. I put up mom's GED, her picture in a cute frame (it's my favorite picture of her...she's turning away from a short order counter, wearing a shirt that says "Gene's Pit) and the rest is in boxes.

As for space...poor John can have his shelves in the garage, his side of the bed, his dresser, his office in the loft and the recliner. I get the reading room, my office (a whole bedroom), the guest room and every thing else, including the kitchen. That sounds fair doesn't it?

If I'm not careful he'll be adding Decorator Items again. Like posters with kittens saying "Hang in There."

Honey if you read this, it was another Beth Ann at birdid.com.

-- Anonymous, April 25, 1999

Friends of mine just moved in together, and the male counterpart of this duo has more tacky stuff than a junk store. Jesus hologram clocks, an Elvis bust, a skeleton that sings "Hot, Hot, Hot"... I was so glad not to be the one moving in with him.

When I went to their house for the first time, I asked my friend where all his stuff was? "At his parents," she said.

-- Anonymous, April 25, 1999

I' still a teenager, but on my way to college...so I've started collecting stuff for me dorm. My room at home right now is totally Laura Ashley, which sounds just nasty but It's actually pretty. The walls are perriwinkle blue. We got a whole bedroom set at linens and things when I was 15 years old. So far the dorm stuff is interesting. Just this weekend I got a rice paper lamp from Crate & Barrel and a Fiestaware Napkin dispenser. I'm not actually too sure I will use alot of napkins in college, but it's lime green and chrome, and I'm such a sucker.

But guess what else I have for my dorm... Martha Stewart brand sheets from K Mart. They're very pretty...and we washed them.

Does anyone have any suggestions for things I will need at college? Let me know

Katy

-- Anonymous, April 25, 1999

Oh. My. God. I've been away for a few days, so I just got back and read all of this and suddenly my ancient brick-red couch with the sagging baby blue cover and the broken laz-e-boy and the K-Mart do-it-yourself furniture just seem so... Normal. Clutter, we've got everyone I know beat for stacks and piles of stuff on every surface and the floor because our apartment is way too small for two people, but at least we don't have Dogs Playing Poker! Or decor left over from the 70's!

Our place is very firmly decorated in middle-late What My Parents Didn't Want Anymore. Please, anyone, tell me that it will end...

-- Anonymous, April 26, 1999

oh katy....i'm sorry. i'm finally moving into an apartment. no more dorm life. ever. oh yay!

flip flops for the shower so you don't get a toe funk.
a little shower caddy to hold all yer junk.
lotsa quarters for the laundry.
lots of places to put yer clothes so they don't end up on the floor like mine (like those little tupperware things to slide under your bed and stuff)
the best thing i put in my room this year is this thing of wooden pegs that i bought at home depot. it's for my towels and robe and i love it love it love it.
lots of power strips! i have a laptop, printer, scanner, turntable, stereo, tape deck, tv, a couple lights, a hairdryer, and an amp.
i dunno.....i am a SLOB! despite all my martha paraphernalia. i vow this day to keep my new apartment clean as all get out. yes i will.

-- Anonymous, April 27, 1999

Katy--

You are gonna need those big tupperware plastic container thingies to hold just about everything you own. They can stack on top of each other, and you can get some that open like drawers. Perfect for socks, underwear, towels, sweaters, makeup-- whatever. You will need your own plates, your own cleaning products (if there's a sink in your dorm room, you have to clean it yourself usually...).

Please take the above advice and get a carrying thingy for the shower. You will want a soap box, a toothbrush holder, a razor holder. You will want a big mirror that you can hang behind the door so you can see what you look like. You will need sticky tack for the walls. You will want extra blankets and sheets.

Oh, man, I'm glad I don't live in the dorms anymore.

Microwave popcorn becomes your best friend.

You will always need more hangers.

You will want a broom, if the floor isn't carpeted.

Bring things that remind you of home. You will get homesick, even if you thought you never would.

-- Anonymous, April 27, 1999

rafinee, honey; the man refuses to let you take down a picture of his ex wife in her wedding dress?

i'd take him down instead.

-- Anonymous, April 27, 1999

okay, im a little late asking this, but to the person who loves ikea stuff, how do you get rid of that weird "ikea smell" on the furniture? i just got a new bookcase from there, and while at first the smell was kinda nice, now its just kinda weird, i mean, it smells funny, any hints?

-- Anonymous, April 28, 1999

i've lived in party houses that had 5 different kinds of wallpaper and 50's kitchen tables and velvet paintings (we're talking spanish galleons and bullfighters) and then one year i lived in the cutest little bungalow - all white with hardwoods. but my main problem - i'm a PACKRAT. i'm terrible. i hoard magazines, nick-nacks, old paper-back novels, scraps of paper with phone-numbers (sans names of course) and what do you do when your own tastebuds are completely schizo? i mean seriously - i dig on that whole 70's kitsch, done right of course - yet at the same time i really really love antiques and luxurious fabrics and curtains on the bed - vaguely victorian you know? and THEN i love the modern, sparse (cold) look; when there aren't any pillows on the couch and there's like a bowl on the table - and yet i have too much STUFF!!! i never have room to store things. i'm living at home now to save for a house, and my room is just PACKED. boxes under my desk, stuff under my bed - and to top it off, the majority of my possesions - my bed and bookcases are in storage!!! anyone have ideas on how i can organize - without putting holes in the walls? (my mother would freak out)(i can't believe i'm 25 and i just used those words...)*sigh*

-- Anonymous, April 30, 1999