I've never really had any sort of flame war before or anything, but whenever I discuss a celebrity I do get hate mail. (Not that I think this letter from Bill is considered hate mail, but still...)

Do you find that people often get upset about what you choose to write about in your journal? Have people sent you nasty letters on what you thought was your own personal opinion?

How do you get out of these situations? I tend to just not respond back, but does that mean you're letting the writer of the hate mail get the last word?

Are there some topics you just don't talk about to avoid getting in this situation?

-- Anonymous, July 21, 1999

Answers

Two questions, Pamie.

1. Is that Bill Pullman email for real? 2. Will you post his email address, so we can pass on our view of the apparent 'Pamie Vs. Pullman' fight he's trying to pick?

Regarding hate mail ... I think you're best off ignoring it, and taking solace in the fact that your site is so polished, so well written, and so faithfully updated (and read) that all anyone can ever flame you about is what celebrities you like.

-- Anonymous, July 21, 1999

I've never received any kind of flame mail from anything I've put on my web pages... of course given that I've had one website for about three years and another for just a bit over one year and have received a total of maybe ten or twelve emailed responses... (and since I've not updated anything in months....) well, my oldest kid did write "Gee Dad, I never knew you were such an exhibitionist." But that's not really a flame and besides would mail from family count?

-- Anonymous, July 21, 1999

Jackie--

The Bill Pullman e-mail was sent from the guy who writes the page that's linked from the entry. Since it was his entry on the 15th, I think it's pretty safe to say that it was not written by Bill Pullman himself. That and I don't think that Bill Pullman would talk about himself that way. I think it was all made in jest, since I was complaining that people bitch at me when I talk about celebrities or films I don't like.

you can tell stee what you think, though, by following the link.

-- Anonymous, July 21, 1999

i only answer hate mail when it comes from the younger sister of one of my ex boyfriends, who didn't like what i had to say about her brother.

i sent her the text of the first amendment. she got even more pissed off, but it made me feel better. now i just don't talk about her brother in my journal (don't talk about much, really, but that's just a rather spontaneous hiatus talking) and whenever i have to see her, i smile big and act like she never called me a pathetic psychopath.

when i don't know the people, however, i ignore them. i get lots of hate mail about my views of celine dion, for example. most of those letters are hilarious.

i think that if people are insecure enough to send hate mail, one should not dignify them with a response. it means they got to you, and that's all they were trying to do, really.

-- Anonymous, July 21, 1999

Uh, yeah, I think that it was all a big fun thing. The guy was trying to be funny for Pamie so he could get on her good side, get a link, cop a feel, and have a story to tell that the squishy chick thinks he's cool.

-r

-- Anonymous, July 21, 1999

Oh.

Have I told you guys about how I believe virtually anything I'm told?

(I'm a trusting soul)

-- Anonymous, July 21, 1999

Jackie,

Hey! Brad Pitt here. Just wanted to let you know that me and Ben (Affleck) just bought a new beach house in Malibu.

Well, when Ricky (Martin) found out, not to be outdone of course (we're competitive that way ya know), he bought the house right next door with N'Sync.

So anyway, the Backstreet Boys just left after their 3 month stay here in our 27 bedroom home on the beach, and we were looking for a new roomate. We were hoping that you might be interested. You know, Ben talks about you all the time.

Let us know.

Your Love Slave,

Brad.

-- Anonymous, July 21, 1999

Brad! Oh my God! I never even realised you read this site!

Wow! What can I say? If you'd asked me two years ago, I'd have been so up for sharing your flat, but now I'm married and everything, and I don't think my husband's quite that understanding ...

Hang on a second. Something's not right here. There's no way Brad would have the Backstreet Boys over. He's a god, and they're rubbish. Is somebody taking the piss?

-- Anonymous, July 21, 1999

Jackie,

You know that breaks my heart. If only I had gotten their first. Ben will be terribly disappointed, as his hopes were so high. I hate to be the one to tell him.

You know, we were talking with Ricky the other day, and he even wrote a song for you. He was going to serendae while you, Ben, and I dined on the deck overlooking the ocean (Ricky is a great sport like that ya know) sipping champaigne.

I guess it was not meant to be. Fate is so cruel. Just know that everytime I have a lovescene in a movie, I will be thinking of you. You will be my inspiration,.. my muse. Oh yeah, Ben said Liv Tyler is a skank compared to you and wants to know if his scene with her has effected your decision to come here.

Just between us, I'll tell him that it didn't. It's best to let him down easy.

If you ever leave whats-his-face, know that there's a place for you here at Ben and Brad's Bungalow.

Yours eternally,

Brad

-- Anonymous, July 21, 1999

I don't get that much hate mail anymore, maybe because I haven't had a web site in three months. I used to get hate mail about my vintage clothing store reviews, so I finally took them down since I had no desire to keep them up to date. I got a lot of hate mail about something I wrote about Rancho Cordova (Sacramento suburb). I got a LOT of hate mail for saying that I thought Bettie Page was kind of funny looking. (Man, didn't those bangs go out of style two years ago? I was still getting hate mail about that when I took the site down in March.) I got really nasty hate mail for not updating my Girl Talk pages -- not the sort of mail you get when you haven't updated your journal for a while, but the sort of mail you get when your web site is linked from all sorts of foreign-language sites as a "chat site" and a good place to meet American girls, even though it's just a web page with no chat room at all.

I usually don't respond to hate mail, but I did make up a form response to the people who wrote to tell me my journal was stupid and boring and they didn't get what the big deal was. It was a pretty nasty form letter, but it made me feel better. There was one not too long ago that deserved a custom response, and I still wish I'd done a better job with it. In fact, maybe I'll write that bitch a letter right now! Yeah!

-- Anonymous, July 21, 1999

First off, Vince Vaughn !? You weren't nearly as amorous on my website...I suppose one of these days I'll recover. However, for the time being, realize that if it wasn't for my intense fear of needles, I'd have a huge tattoo of your face with a big heart around it somewhere on my body. You mean that much to me.

Onto business. Hate mail. Mine was a bit disjointed, seeing as it had nothing to do with my website whatsoever. I'd made up a big homepage for the community of Littleton where the shootings took place in April where people could sign the guestbook and leave their condolences and kind words. Nice in theory, yes?

Well, an old acquaintence of mine felt that the guestbook was the perfect medium for ripping into me regarding my lack of correspondence with her over the past few months. Hate you, hate your website, stupid self-centered bitch, you don't know how to maintain friendships, blah, blah, blah... And no, I'm not bitter. Not in the least. The people just want to bait you...they want to know it got to you. Granted, in my case, it did, but she'll never know that.

Oh yeah, and Vince, if you ever need an organ donation, you just holler, sweetcheeks.

-- Anonymous, July 21, 1999

Nope, no hate mail.

Nope, not a one.

Nope.

Still no hate mail.

Hm.

Nope.

-- Anonymous, July 21, 1999

I honestly don't know what some people's problems are. I mean, you make a big, sweeping generalization about an entire gender, and suddenly everyone gets all offended! I mean, am I striking a nerve, or something? Touch-y!

I don't really get a lot of hate mail, actually-- most of the people who come to my page understand the term "artistic license". What I do get from time to time, that does bother me, is unsoliticed advice on how I can "fix" myself. Uh, if I wanted your opinion, I would have asked for it.

-- Anonymous, July 21, 1999

I've gotten a touch of hate mail, via my (currently on hiatus but hopefully back by next week) website. However, it was from some doofus who I knew in real life, who I was trying to gently-but-firmly sever relations with. As time progressed, it became clear taht my suspicions were right and he did have stalker tendencies. a one-word email from him containing an obscenity cemented the matter. I set it up so any further email from his address would bounce, which would usually work well. however, in this guy's case it inspired(sometimes STILL continuing) telepohone calls. long, accusatory messages, etc. I think it's not a good idea to respond because such people often only want attention. in this particular case it was clear that even "go away" was seen as encouragement to pursue and 'explain' his position further. guh.
ANYWAY, in more anonymous situations, i think if someone doesn't take the time to think about how best to communicate, it's usually not worth it to take the time on their behalf. I wouldn't worry about the last word. such people usually want attention, and if you respond they will jump into it with far more energy than you should expend when you could be writing more funny columns for me to read.

-- Anonymous, July 22, 1999

I must write really good hate-mail responses, because on the rare occasion when I do respond, I almost never get a reply.

Pamie, I've started a flame war with you in my journal. Just because you said you'd never had one.

-- Anonymous, July 22, 1999

Okay, Beth. Here you go.

My reply is up, missy.

I think I'm doing pretty good for my first flame war...

-- Anonymous, July 22, 1999

I don't have a clue why I haven't gotten any hate mail. The closet thing that I've gotten is one email in which a young girl kept going and going about my font size and how it should be changed to a smaller one because it looks better. But I don't think that classifies as hate mail.

I try to be obnoxious. Well, actually I don't even have to try. But for some reason nobody has yet to speak out negatively to me about anything I've written. I even made fun of the Chick's Suck guy and not a word from him or any of his little groupies.

I would take it as a compliment Pamie. It shows that people actually care enough to take the time, and that they feel comfortable enough with you to express that shit.

I guess people don't think I'm a person to bitch at. What they don't know is that I secretly get off to it. But that's a whole other post.

-- Anonymous, July 22, 1999

I'll tell you, I've just been waiting for hate mail about my zine website (it's, um...kinda bossy and loudmouthed) but no dice. All my mail is positive. I know that sounds really "But I just CAN'T gain any weight no matter how many ICE CREAM SUNDAES I EAT!", but there you go--I'm sorta disappointed.

I even got really excited when I got this email whose title was "Your web page sucks!!" but it was from someone I knew, who actually cartoons for the zine. She had changed her email address, so it fooled me for a second. Sigh.

But right now I'm in kind of a flame war on the AOL "Indoor or outdoor cat?" message boards. No, really, I am. I swear.

-- Anonymous, July 22, 1999

I usually reply to any negative mail with, "Mom, I see you've found the key to the liquor cabinet again. Are you writing from home? Do you need me to call you a cab?"

-- Anonymous, July 27, 1999

I've come to adopt a certain Zen of Flamage, which is that the best flames are those that require minimal exertion on your part but arouse a maximally livid response from their recipients. My latest is to reply to hate mail with the following form letter:

Hi, and thanks for your feedback! I regret that I am unable to answer all my mail personally.

--KR

My god, this makes people angry. It works better than silence because it indicates that you did read whatever vitriol they wrote but were able to shrug it off instead of weeping into your frappucino.

The web page of mine that has historically received the most flamage is the Little Kimberly Anne site, where poor dying Kimberly requests that citizens mail her AOL disks to complete her collection so that she can get into the Guinness Book of World Records before she kicks off. Quite a few people find this gag not at all funny. One of my favorite responses was to a long-winded rant from some guy who said that he "worked in a hospital" and had to be confronted day in and day out with actual mortally ill children, blah blah blah, and I just responded with, "Really? Are you the janitor?" Oh, the tearing of hair and gnashing of teeth that followed! It does my bitter little heart good. (You know, I think my new favorite bumper sticker is the one that reads "NO, YOU SUCK. SINCERELY, THE MEAN PEOPLE".)

Lengthy responses indicate that you've actually taken time out of your life to ponder whatever these nasty nutballs have to say, something that the nutballs find infinitely gratifying. All they want is attention. The worst worst thing you can do is respond publicly. I got in a knock-down drag-out Battle of Wits with some dork four years ago -- a battle conducted entirely via duelling web pages -- and many people still think of me as humorless and shrieky because of it. Never again.

Oh, the worst flame I ever got [readers of diary-l might remember this] was one that called me a self-centered diseased twit or something; really primo stuff. It came out later that it was written by the lead singer of a band that I had reviewed negatively in a journal entry several weeks beforehand. Artists! They're so sensitive! Who knew?

--kim

PS: Pamie, I loved Zero Effect -- it was one of the best movies I saw all last year. Despite your sudden lack of cinematic taste [also evinced in your love of a recent movie that featured Mike Myers drinking a stool sample], you are still the inheritor of my rhinestone tiara and matching scepter.

-- Anonymous, August 05, 1999