My dog at my parent's house knows more english than a five year old. It always amazes me how much she understands casual conversation. My cat from when I was younger-- Nutso-- used to know when people were yelling at me, and he'd go over and bite their ankles until they stopped.

Do you have a particularly smart pet? Do you know of an animal that does things so human like that you get a little freaked out?

(I did try and get Nutso to spell out things on Scrabble tiles like the dog in Watchers, by the way. Dad rearranged the letters to spell "I'm hungry" when I was out of the room. Ha.)

-- Anonymous, August 04, 1999

Answers

No, I don't have particularly smart pets. I have stupid pets. My stupid puppy is currently stuck under my bed because he hasn't figured out that he's too big to fit under there. My stupid cat Benny hasn't figured out that if he doesn't run, the puppy won't chase him. My stupid cat Sally hasn't figured out that we really aren't planning on kicking her when we walk past her on our way to somewhere else. Rudy is a little smarter, but not much.

-- Anonymous, August 04, 1999

Some study was done (by whom? when? don't remember) that tested the "intelligence" of dogs. One of the tests was to toss a towel onto the dog's head and see how quickly the dog got the towel off. Last on the ranked list was the bassett hound.

I've tried the towel test on my own dogs (a beagle, a bassett, and a mutt) and indeedly, the bassett didn't seem overly anxious to get the towel off her head. The other two whipped it off in a snap. My conclusion? The bassett isn't necessarily dumb... she's adaptable. "oh my... something's covering my face. ah well... I think I'll take a nice li'l nap and maybe it'll disappear when I awake. In the meantime, it does provide a nice shady darkness."

-- Anonymous, August 04, 1999

I believe my Yorkie is very intelligent. Toby definately knows by my expression if I want to play with him or I'm upset. I don't have to say anything. He knows when I'm upset and it's ok for him to lick me and when it's best to leave me alone. He also whips the towel off his head, but he takes off with it and decides it's time to play. I don't think there's a "dumb" animal - I think it's more of a personality thing.

My sister's dog, Casey, is a trip. He is so funny. Personality from Hell. He can make anyone laugh. He does stupid things like bark at you when you tell him he's a bad boy and stuff, just so he doesn't get into trouble. Smart dog.

and Pamie, Casey and Toby are nice enough to leave us half eaten treats of theirs hidden too. I think that's their way of saying, "Hey, all the other animals think I won't share, but I will. Just don't tell, ok?"

-- Anonymous, August 04, 1999

My hedgehog, Looney, lives in a plastic child's wading pool lined with Astroturf. She's only escaped twice, both times after I took out her wheel. I don't have any idea how she does it (the pool walls are about twice her height), but I suspect she wedges herself between the litter box and the pool wall and kind of shimmies her way up.

I used to try to get her to run mazes, but she would just look at me like, "What am I here for your amusement?"

-- Anonymous, August 04, 1999

We feel our cat Squeaky is rather smart. He likes to ride around on our shoulders so he doesn't have to walk. Squeaky also has many different tactics to wake us up. My personal favorite is licking our lips and eyelids, with eating my hair running a close second.

He's also a very sweet little cat. When I'm sad or ill, he jumps up and sits on or next to me, puts a paw on my shoulder as if to say, "Don't worry, I'm here. I'll take care of you."

And finally, my husband's favorite story to tell about Squeaky. A few days after we first brought him home from the shelter, Squeaky was watching Bill fix breakfast. Bill put his glass of milk down and settled into his favorite chair, all the while noticing how Squeaky was staring at the glass. He was at least six inches away, not touching the glass or the table, just staring. He was beginning to freak Bill out when suddenly, the glass tipped over! Squeaky looked up at Bill and then proceeded to jump on the table where he lapped up all the milk.

Smart, Sensitive, and Psychic? Who knows?

-- Anonymous, August 04, 1999

My doggie Handsome knows my emotions too. He knows when I'm sad and he'll dome up to me slow and rest his head in my lap. When I'm angry he'll put his head down and hide under the table (now THAT'S a smart dog!) He tells me when he's hungry and when he needs to go outside. He's very protective of women and if anyone yells at a girl or attempts to put their hands on one he'll go nuts. He can always tell the "good guys" from the "bad guys" the moment I introduce him and if you're a good guy he loves you, if he thinks you're a bad guy he'll keep his eyes on you all night and growl if he doesn't like what you say or do. I love my doggie!

-- Anonymous, August 04, 1999

Okay, I gave the towel on the head test to all four of my animals. Here are the results:

Sally (cat): "What the fuck was that? Are you trying to kill me?"

Benny (cat): "Maybe if I just pretend I'm dead, she'll go away and leave me alone. In the meantime, the dog can't see me, right?"

Rudy (cat): "What in the hell do you think you're doing chasing me with that mangy-ass towel? I saw what you did to Sally. Get away from me, bitch."

Doc (puppy): "Hey, cool, a towel! Can I eat this?"

Draw your own conclusions.

-- Anonymous, August 04, 1999

My dog thinks shes a cat. She rubs her sides against the bed in the morning and arches her back when she stretches. She also likes to be chased. So if the other dog has a tennis ball or other binky like thing, she'll steal it to get them to chase her or she'll start swatting them with her paw to piss them off. She looks pretty human when she sits on her butt on the couch looking out the window with her paws on the windowsill pining to be outside. She's pretty smart.

-- Anonymous, August 04, 1999

Mokey and JoJo are brothers, with JoJo being the bigger of the two. One night, we had chicken for dinner and threw the aluminum foil smelling of chicken in the trash. In the middle of the night I heard hissing and meowing so I sneaked down the hall to see what was up. JoJo was standing on top of Mokey with his head and front paws in the trash digging for that foil. Jo was too short to do it alone so he got an accomplice. I laughed so loud and hard I scared both of them.

-- Anonymous, August 04, 1999

When our dog Lucy hides under the bed when we're playing chase, we can't get her out (it's a giant bed). So we try to lure her out by pretending we are going outside. Calls of "Let's go OUTSIDE!" and jingling her leash (failsafe in any other situation) won't budge her. Somehow she can tell the difference and that we'll come back and chase her some more if she stays put.

Then again, she is scared of the toaster.

-- Anonymous, August 04, 1999

We are constantly joking about our dog Annabelle being retarded, but that's mainly because she is just goofy. She's actually pretty smart and can close a door, differentiate among people according to their names (people can't even do that with me and Cody), tell the difference between "ball", "bone", "frisbee" and "dish" (she'll bring her dish to you if she's thirsty or hungry, then bat it around. But if you tell her to bring it in the kitchen, she'll set it right down to get it filled).

But she really is goofy. We spoil her and let her sit on the couch like she's a person, and she'll just sit there with a paw thrown over the back of the couch or on the armrest, waiting to have her chest patted. She also likes to be spanked. Now, before you think anything weird let me remind you how all dogs like to have their butts scratched. Well, Annabelle likes to have her butt patted, but it doesn't seem to matter how hard. She'll just sit there with a glazed look in her eye moving her head from side to side while someone plays bongos on her butt.

Which reminds me, has anyone else noticed this type of behavior when you scratch a dog's butt? By girlfriend's roommates have a dog that is very shy, but a little butt-scratching is a quick way to get her to like you. Anyway, she does the same side to side Stevie Wonder thing while licking the air.

-- Anonymous, August 05, 1999

dear andy,

When they lick the air is my favorite dog's do the darndest thing. I think its hilarious! and no matter what dog it is they just can't help themselves. Imagine the two biggest scariest Red Pitbulls you've ever seen(Arnold and Lobo) now when you pat their butts you basically have to pretend your a sledge hammer but they do it. and usually in that order. Glaze, Stevie, Ohboyohboyohboy-gotta lick the air!

jesse

-- Anonymous, August 05, 1999

The dog is pretty smart. Although, anytime you take an accusatory tone of voice, he slinks away, even if you aren't yelling at him.

He can open doors, and has us trained for various tasks.

Sitting in the hall, staring at us as we watch TV in the other room: Fill up my water dish.

Pacing from the hall to the family room, crying: I can get my toy, but, you know, I like it when you get it for me.

Laying down at the edge of the room while we eat dinner: Just say 'ok' so I can clean up all the food that the little boy throws off his plate onto the floor.

The cat is no slouch, either. She mainly tortures the dog, though.

-- Anonymous, August 05, 1999

One of my cats likes to play fetch. She has a string (actually a shoelace) and she will carry it in her mouth and hop up on my computer desk. The firs time she did it, I tossed it so that she would get off the desk. She went and got it, and brought it right back. She'll do this for hours if you keep throwing it. But she only does it with whoever is sitting at the desk - she won't play if you're sitting on the couch or something.

I don't know if it means she's smart, or just weird. I never heard of a cat playing fetch before.

My other cat is dumb as a stump. She actually tried to get into the broiler while it was on. My boyfriend tried to convince me she was really smart because she is so curious and always getting into things and getting stuck places.

-- Anonymous, August 05, 1999

Our cat Sally fetches, or at least she used to. She used to be obsessive about fetching these little rubber balls. Now that we have a puppy who fetches, she's sort of lost interest. Sometimes she'll chase the ball when we throw it for him, but now she just takes it to a high spot that he can't reach. It's sort of like keepaway.

-- Anonymous, August 05, 1999

I rescued a kitten in 1987. He was covered with fleas and when I washed him they all ran onto his face, which had no flea shampoo on it. (big mistake, I know) So he began furiously scratching at his face and managed to scratch his cornea. A hundred dollars and a tube of antibiotics later, his eye was fine. He is now my dad's cat. Now, even twelve years later, if you get angry at him or yell at him, he starts squinting that eye for sympathy. That must be why he does it because it never ever bothers him unless we're yelling. And it's just the one eye -- never both and never the wrong one. My other cat, Bunny, is pretty clever too. She knows how to sit on a piece of furniture or a countertop and reach the doorknob. She can TURN the doorknob with her paw and get the door open. That's pretty good. Her other primary trick is waking me up to feed her. I am an extremely heavy sleeper, so she's learned that walking on me and meowing don't work. But for some reason, she's figured out that the sound of ripping paper will wake me up. This doesn't happen often, but if she's very hungry and I'm asleep, she'll scour the room for paper and begin ripping it up, staring at me all the while. When I stand up to stop her, she darts for the kitchen. Darndest thing you've ever seen.

-- Anonymous, August 05, 1999

I forgot this wasn't limited to cats. My dog Dash is a border collie/sheltie mix. He is so smart it's spooky. He has indoor toys and outdoor toys, but he always wants to take his indoor toys out into the yard with him. We have two other dogs, so he knows that with three dogs coming in and out, there's a little distraction there and that he might be able to pull it off. He'll pick up the toy in the side of his mouth that is furthest from me and try to sneak out. In other words, he'll walk in profile to the door so I can only see one side of him, meanwhile, he's got the toy tucked in the other side of his mouth. This means he understands things like "perspective," the concept of "vision," the meaning of "hiding," and a whole host of other things I don't want to think about. His theory is flawed by the fact that the toys are usually big stuffed ones that he can't hide fully with his head. But it works really well with tennis balls, cat food dishes, granola bar wrappers, etc.

-- Anonymous, August 05, 1999

Our dog Sage does the same thing. She also sneaks her big fuzzy toys out of the house. One time she tried to do it and I caught her and I said in the most casual mumbly way, "Sage, you know you aren't supposed to bring those things out of the house." And before I even moved to get it out of her mouth she dropped it right away.

Just dropped it.

She totally knew what I said. Eerie.

Another time my cat Nutso was quarantined to my bedroom because he was sick and I was doing a load of laundry when I saw him come stumbling out into the hallway, keeping the side of his body to the wall. I was taking my time because he wasn't moving too fast and I said to him, "Aren't you supposed to be in my room?" and he took off running.

They know. They all know. Now I wonder what they're thinking when they catch me coming out of the shower.

-- Anonymous, August 05, 1999

I have two gerbils. One is called Cruton, the other is called THe Breakaway Republic of Chetchnia. Chetchnia can push the wire screen off the top of her cage, climb down the bookshelf the cages are perched on, and somehow get herself out the back door, even when no one is around, going in and out. We found her on the porch! Cruton sits on my shoulder looking innocent, but is an excellent attack gerbil who comes when she is called and attacks on command. Hee hee. Gerbils are great!

-- Anonymous, August 08, 1999

Find me a dog that doesn't eat vomit and/or shit and THEN we'll talk. But how about that Koko, the sign-language gorilla? That's smart for ya, even though her sentences leave a little to be desired. Koko-love bad shame gorilla stink more, indeed!

-- Anonymous, August 09, 1999

My dog, Harley, understand most of the English language. He knows the difference between ball, marble, balloon, etc. He loves marbles. He gets them stuck between his toes and kicks them into the wall. When my guy says "Contract!" he goes and finds the kitty. He knows the sound of our vehicles. He knows the names of each room in the house. With dogs (like horses) the more you pay attention to their "language" the more they will "communicate" to you. Oh, and my dog LOVES to be spanked. We can hit the top part of his back right above where a tail would be if he had one, hard. The harder the better. He also licks the air and gets a glazed look in his eyes. What is that? I would like to know too. You know, I think Rottweilers are just really smart dogs anyway.

-- Anonymous, August 11, 1999

This isn't really about a smart pet, because my cat isn't especially...it's more a plea for advice. My landlord announced last night, completely out of the blue, that we have 28 days to get rid of our cat, or else he'll evict us. We've had her for two years, we both love her, and we got her with his permission. But we just moved to a different apartment within the same building, and when he went to refinish the floors, he found dust bunnies under two of the radiator, and I guess it pissed him off, because he came to our door and started screaming at us, told us that the cat had to go immediately, and that if we didn't like it there were plenty of other people who would take our apartment. It was all we could do to get him to at least let us find a home for her -- he wanted us to throw her out onto the street. So the good part is my mom is taking her, and she will be well-loved and have other cats to play with, but the bad news is, she'll be two states away. This is breaking my heart -- I don't know how to deal with giving her away. She sleeps under my arm at night, with her paws in my hand and her head on my pillow. She runs to meet me when i get home from work. I've been crying since 6 o'clock last night. Does anyone have any advice on how to get through this?

-- Anonymous, August 31, 1999

We live on a farm and had a family reunion, while playing badminton this little kitten someone dumped in the country(incidently we've had over 200 cats dumped by our house over the years and I doubt 1 out of ten live a week,so don't do it. You're not doing your pet any favors when you do this!) would catch the birdy everytime it hit the ground. We thought she was so cute we let her be a housecat.(first and only one we ever had). This cat was the smartest cat I've ever seen, when growing up she would torment my father by waiting behind the recliner for him to fall asleep and then jumping on the back of the chair and chewing on his earlobe. This would wake him up and he'd start waving his arms until she dropped back down to wait for him to go to sleep again and continue the game.

Farm pets all have a job to do(dogs herd the cattle and cats take care of the vermin). She was good at catching rats but her specialty was birds. She would climb the outside of a corncrib and wait on top of the corn for birds to land and pounce. We have these wooden troughs we use to feed heifers grain,well bits of corn would go in the cracks and the birds would get them, where she was waiting in the shadows.

She was also the toughest cat we ever had,on a farm the cats are really hardy if they weren't they wouldn't reach adulthood. Once she grew up she went to the barn and within 24 hours was the undisputed boss of not just the other cats but of our dog as well. For some reason as nice as she was to people she was a total bitch to any other animal. We had a dog that was kind of mean who even bit a few people and he was totally terrified of her. She would walk down the alley in the barn and go to where he was sleeping and pounce on his head and start clawing.

When she got old and was hardly able to move around much, she had a bird almost every day. I never knew how she did it.

-- Anonymous, September 04, 1999