Bonjour, everyone. Taylor here. Just letting you know that I'm doing fine and I'm pretty happy with my new found alpha-male status. Now I can sit even closer to Eric and Pamie without actually letting them pet me. Is a real treat, no? Now I also know that anything I attack in bed will only cause Eric and Pamie to yelp. It's nice knowing exactly what I'm up against, eh?

Oh, and sometimes I crawl in zee big water bowl that Eric and Pam take off their fur and get wet in-- they usually do it in zee mornings. I like to get in there and see what zee big deal is. I'll tell you what, though, I have no idea how to get out of that place. Mon Dieu! I just have to yell a whole bunch until Pamie pulls me out. Just warning you about the big water bowls. You know what they say about us and curiosity-- just making a memo for all of you guys out there. Be careful.

Au revoir,

Taylor Dejardan

-- Anonymous, September 03, 1999

Answers

I'm stealing from my own forum. Is that allowed? Anyway, this is what my animals say: I'm getting dressed. I put on a dress, I look in the mirror, I pirouette a little bit. I strike a pose and see how if I need different shoes, or maybe a hat.

Rudy: You are not wearing that, are you?

Benny: Jesus, did you see her thighs?

Rudy: Honey, you are not twenty five anymore. Wake up and smell the Geritol.

Sally: Has anyone seen my fuzzy mouse? I know I left it in here. Would you stupid bitches quit talking about the fat lady and help me find my mouse?

Compare that to the dog:

Doc: Oh, honey, look at you. I could just eat you up. Come over here and let me lick your neck. You are just so ... mmm, mmm. Look at you. You've got the hair thing working, and the dress, and the ... is this silk? It tastes like silk. And the shoes! Oh, baby, you are the most fabulous thing I've ever seen, you vixen, you.

Actually, he doesn't talk like that. He speaks Labrador Retriever, which is more like this:

Doc: 'Member that time when we went to the park? And, and, and somebody had peed on that tree? 'Member that? And then 'member how we came home, and you gave me a treat, and I ate it? And then you gave me another one? 'Member that? That was awesome.

-- Anonymous, September 03, 1999

First off lemme say I was beginning to worry there wasn't going to be a Squishy today, and then poof! There it is to make my day. Now I've started the weekend off right.

Cosa only sees me in the evenings because I work all day and when I wake up, it's pretty much straight to work. So all day, she gets to tear around the house, look mournfully out the windowsills (I think it's mournfully. She could be thinking, "aw, crap, he's coming back to ruin my peace and quiet") Mostly she just is incredibly aggressive for attention, going so far as to shove her way between me and my signficant other when we're lying down on the couch.

Cosa: Lemme in.

Omar: Cosa, what are you doing?

Cosa: Less talking, more stroking. Here, rub my head.

Rebecca: Can you get her off my face?

Omar: Off, Cosa. (throwing tattered, gnawed beanie baby) Go catch.

Cosa: (running) You can distract me, but I'll be back! On her face! BWAH-HAHAHAHA!! BWAH-HAHA -- oh, wait, cricket. Gotta eat it.

-- Anonymous, September 03, 1999

first thing in the morning... jennifer to nico, her kitty : hey girly girl whatya doin'? nico : what does it look like i'm doing ya dumb ass? jennifer : c'mere for some lovin's baby nico : why would i want lovin from you? the evil woman who makes me drink that pink stuff and let's people put needles in me and shave my fur off. jennifer : c'mmooonnnnn nico i have to go work, i want to pet you nico : piss off jennifer : alright that's just fine *sniff* nico : oh alright ya big baby, you can smell my butt ...

when i get home from work... nico : hello! hello! get over here and PET me! i've been alone ALL DAY jennifer : hey cat nico : no seriously, I NEED LOVE jennifer : look, i need to have a beer get out from under my feet there nico : LOVE ME NOW! jennifer : wow, you need some lovin' or what? nico : DUH?! grab a clue and pet me you stupid woman! jennifer : okay let me scratch behind your ears, you like that. nico : oooooohhhhhyyeaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh

-- Anonymous, September 03, 1999

my dog looks directly at me and either seems to say:

1) 'What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you still living with your parents?'

2) 'I could rip your throat out right now, and don't think I won't if you put me in the Kennel again!'

3) 'God, that pizza/burger/saltine cracker/popcorn/insert whatever I'm eating here looks good. You pig. How can you not share that with me? You're gonna eat all of that? Pig. I would do the same for you! Well, not really....'

4) 'C'mon, take me for a walk! C'mon! I've been stuck inside all day! I need to chase some cats! Attack some squirrels! I need to terrorize things that are smaller than me! C'mon, you big, dumb, lazy excuse for a mammal!'

5) 'How the hell did you bring back all that food? You don't even have sharp teeth, much less good reflexes, speed, or agility! You can't be that great a hunter! Wait..... You're not a scavenger

-- Anonymous, September 03, 1999

when i get home from work - Buddha: get in the kitchen. NOW. NOW! Alien: wherehaveyoubeendoyouknowyou'relatei'mstarvingheredon'tyoueverthinkabo utmeanymorehurryupandgetinthekitchengetthefooddownputitinthebowlthebow lthebowlnownownowhurryhurryhurry

an hour later - Buddha: just what do you think you're doing sitting on MY couch, huh? go clean my cat box. Alien: if anyone needs me, i'll be inside the sofa. no calls.

bedtime - Buddha and Alien: LET'S PLAY!!!!!! KITCHEN HOCKEY! BATHROOM BASKETBALL! LEAP INTO THAT WALL! RUN INTO THE FRONT OF THE STOVE! THERE'S SOMETHING IN BED WITH MOM! KILL IT! KILLLLLLLLL IIIIIIIITT!

sometimes i miss living alone

-- Anonymous, September 04, 1999

Well, the older cats are pretty set in their ways, they don't really say much at all throughout the day; but when we get home, Aliera is RIGHT THERE on the heater by the door:

Aliera: "MEOW!" (I know you're not in the door yet, but...) "MEOW!!!" (Pet me anyway, dammit!)

Jezz will kinda wander in from wherever she is perched for the day and issue a short The FUN thing is! We have a new KITTEN! Sebastian! And he goes a lil' something like this:

"Mew!Mew!Mew!Mew!Mew!Mew!Mew!Mew!Mew!Mew!Mew!Mew!Mew!Mew!Mew!" (Pet me! Play with me! Wait! What the HELL is that? Whoa, what's this smell? Oh hey, pet me again! Oooooo food! Yummy! *Crunch*Crunch*"MEW" Pet me more! Pick me up! I wanna be in your hair! OH shit, I'm in your hair, GET ME OUT GET ME OUT! MOM! Dad is headbutting me again! Dad! Mom won't pet me! SOMEONE PET ME! HOLD ME! Not the box! Not the booooxxxxxx!)

On the food part, I swear to buddha, that kitten Meows WHILE it's eating - not between bites, but WHILE it's chewing. I have never seen anything like it, it is SO bizarre. And I'm wondering if he's giving lil' commentaries on the way I've prepared his mushed up cat food mixed in milk. Hrmph. I hope not. :P

-- Anonymous, September 04, 1999

actually, my pets are stufflings... so when I sit with them, Dorian (my Small Mongolian Pony) and I can have many quiet conversations about books, history, and life on the steppe... Dorian can also reminisce about places we've been... He also helps me study...though I suspect he finds law school quite vexing, just as I do...

-- Anonymous, September 04, 1999

The usual turkey exchange with my 3 tabby cats.

Louis: Are you going to eat that turkey sandwich, the one your eating now? The one that you went all the way to the store to buy in the pouring rain? Are you? Huh? Huh?

Amos: Yeah, what he said.

Louis: Maybe if I stare at it long enough she'll get the idea. Maybe if I do that the sandwich will float down to the ground and I can have all the lovely turkey for myself. Amos be damned.

Amos: Turkey is good, I want turkey.

Sophia (after hearing this wakes up, yawns and looks at me) Oh it's you, your home, how nice - now all of you shut up.

-- Anonymous, September 04, 1999

My dog Annabelle: Hey, what was that? Did you hear it? Sounds like something's going down outside. I'd better check it out. Well, don't just sit there! C'mon, somebody could be out there peeing on my tree! Or a squirrel could have it's defenses down! Oh man, it's kids. Just let me run out there and scare them real quick. Look at the hair on my back, for chrissakes! I've got a whole Dominic from Real World LA going on here! Alright. I see how it is. Quit laughing at me. Oh you're so funny, aren't you? Well, this is my impression of you- let me on the couch first...okay. "Look at me, I'm just sittin' here watchin' TV! I'm so cool and upright, I'll just put my paws-I mean hands- on the armrest like a groovy biped!" Not such hot stuff now, are you? Could you scratch my ass?

Annabelle at a party 2 weeks ago: Hello! Cute dog here! Who are you to resist? Oh, beer's more important than me, huh? Well, looky here everybody. See how I'm carrying around my food dish? Oh, I'm soooo hungry. These guys never feed me around here. They're bad pet-owners. They deserve to....ooh, somebody spilled sangria!

-- Anonymous, September 05, 1999

Emmitt (voice of Woody Allen): Excuse me, over here. Hi. Would it be at all possible for you to scratch behind my ears? See, that would be nice, but I have a little problem with being touched. So I'm just going to back off a bit. Could I just maybe lick your hair for a minute? Oh, and by the way, would you turn on the faucet please? I'm thirsty but I can't drink out of my bowl. I mean, God only knows where that thing's been.

Chloe: Hi, I'm bad. If you need me, I'll just be over here destroying something. Oh, did you need this paycheck? I wouldn't have chewed on it but you left it just lying there in your day planner in an envelope, so I figured it was just trash or something. Oh, and speaking of trash, I MAY have accidentally knocked that over. Did I mention that I'm extremely cute? Watch, I'll sit up like a little prairie dog. Cute, huh? Almost makes you want to forget that whole shredded antique chair incident, am I right?

-- Anonymous, September 05, 1999

My Cat, Busgy: Can I go outside?

Me: No.

Bugsy: Please can I go outside?

Me: No.

Bugsy: But Simon is outside!

Me: Simon's not our cat. And anyway, look how skinny he is. No one feeds him.

Bugsy: But I just want to eat some grass!

Me: You can't go outside without your leash and you won't let me put it on you!

Bugsy: I promise I won't run away!

Me: Sssuuurrreee you won't! What about the time you opened the screen door all by yourself when no one was looking and bolted into the backyard?

Bugsy: Hey, don't blame me for the broken screen.

Me: I'm just saying, what if no one had heard you?

Bugsy: I'd still be out there.

Me: Yep, and I wouldn't be looking for you anymore. I'd be lying in my bed, crying and missing you.

Bugsy: Damn guilt-trips.

-- Anonymous, September 05, 1999

My dog Harley and I are sitting on the beach on Lake Superior this weekend.

Amy: Go swimming Harley: OK lalala (he gets in the lake up to his Rottweiler chest and starts to dig at the sand on the bottom) Harley: I keep digging and there's no hole! (dig-dig-dig) how can there not be a hole here??? (dig-dig-dig) OOOOO, wait a minute...shiney rocks!!! (his whole head goes underwater) Look Amy! I got a shiney rock in my mouth!

He's so easily amused. My kitty on the other hand was all like "Well, nice of you to come home! Do you know you forgot to leave the air on for me not to mention the animal channel? What am I? You treat me like somekind of animal! humpfff" and he stomps off. Oh, well...

-- Anonymous, September 05, 1999

It would be a very momentous occasion if my pets said anything, as I don't have any pets... After careful consideration, I decided that my two younger sisters and our two computers don't count as pets...

-- Anonymous, September 05, 1999

jUST WANT TO SAY THANK YOU ALL FOR THE

-- Anonymous, September 06, 1999

...and excuse me for being an idiot. What I meant to say was thanks for the laughs today...I sure needed them. Of course, my cat is looking at me as if I've lost what little mind I ever had, but that's the way it goes.

-- Anonymous, September 06, 1999

Heather and Duncan are walking along the street. Duncan picks up something icky in his mouth.

Heather: Duncan, what have you got?

Duncan (slightly muffled by whatever is in his mouth): Who me? I don't have a thing, no siree. Don't see a thing hanging out of this mouth, do you?

Heather (rolling her eyes): Fine. But keep walking. If you're going to be naughty, you have to keep walking.

Duncan: Right.

They walk a few paces.

Duncan: You know, if you'd just drop beef on my head once in a while, we wouldn't have these problems.

Heather: Excuse me?

Duncan: You know, beef. Like a steak. Or chicken. I'd settle for chicken.

-- Anonymous, September 06, 1999

In the morning, I'm always the first one up. As I stumble down the hall I see both our cats, Maggie and Lucy, who don't get along most of the time but always become allies when necessary. Both of them jump to attention and mew a nervous hello. I look down to see urgent looks on their faces. More desperate mewing, with eyes wide to indicate an emergency situation.

ME: What is it Lassie? Is Timmy in the well again?

LUCY: Very funny. We have a real problem here. Follow me.

She starts down the stairs.

MAGGIE: Good morning! I Love You! Will you pet me? How about...

LUCY: Maggie, you idiot, shut up and get down here. Stay focused!

MAGGIE: Sorry, you're right. Emergency downstairs. Must get Lisa to follow us.

Maggie takes off after Lucy, and they both disappear around the bend at the landing. I head slowly down the stairs, which frustrates the kitties greatly. They have to keep running back to make sure I'm still coming.

LUCY: Could you hurry it up a little? You'll really want to check this out. Things are getting serious in here. (She points her nose to the kitchen.)

I turn the corner and start down the little hall, and I see kitty faces peering at me from around the corner to the kitchen. More urgent mewing.

When I reach the kitchen, I am double-teamed. Major leg rubbing and raucous howling ensues. I see the emergency. The food bowl is empty. I got there just in the nick of time. I fill the bowl, give them some more water, and back off so they can eat since they are obviously starving to death.

LUCY: Back off, Maggie. Seniority rules here. I eat first, and if I choose to leave any scraps behind, you may have them.

MAGGIE: But you said if I helped you get her down here you would let me eat beside you.

LUCY: Get lost kid, you bother me. (she gives Maggie a hiss and a right hook to the nose)

MAGGIE: (turns to me with a sad and confused look) She won't let me eat again.

ME: Come here, baby. I'll pet you while you wait. You know how bitchy Lucy can be.

MAGGIE: Do I ever. Ooh, yeah, behind my ears. Yessssss. Purrrr.

-- Anonymous, September 07, 1999

This generally happens when I'm coming home at 11:00 at night. Sasha's an indoor/outdoor cat, and she generally waits until I get home to come inside.

Sasha: Ooh, you're finally home. Miss me? I'm sure you did.
Me: Hey baby, time to come in.
Sasha: Ha! Come in? I think not! Let me roll around on the ground, obviously mocking you.
Me: Fine. Don't come in. I don't care.

Ten minutes later, I'll be watching "Cow and Chicken" and I'll hear something tapping on the window.

Sasha: Lemme in! I was just kidding.
Me: Fuck off. You had your chance.
Sasha: Come on! Can't you take a joke? Lemme in or I'll destroy the screen.
Me: Oh, all right.

Sasha, after I let her in: Took you long enough. It's time for bed, NOW.
Me: I'm watching this show. Can it wait a bit?
Sasha: NOW!
Me: Fine, but I get the pillow this time.

Our other cats aren't that smart. Peaches, for example, sits on the counter whenever one of us comes in and says, "Treat? Treat? Treat?"

-- Anonymous, September 07, 1999

Sam: Mom, Are you going to go to work again!?

Me: Sorry Sam I know you are left here a lot by yourself but I always buy you a treat on the way home don't I.

Sam: Hey I wasn't saying I didn't want you to go to work. I just wanted to know if you would put the television on ABC instead of the Gameshow Network. I am getting really tired of Wheel of Fortune episodes. Those people are idiots. And have you seen what they wore in the Eighties?

Me: Yes I know what they wore in the Eighties. What are you going to watch on ABC?

Sam: All My Children. Erica is in love with David now but she doesn't want anyone to know. Oh and did you know that Dimitri was murdered. I don't know who did it because the day they were going to reveal that you left it on the Discovery channel. All day long there were shows about Tigers. BORING!!

Me: Alright ABC it is but you have to keep me up to date on AMC.

Sam: Deal.

Me: Bye be a Goodboy my wittle (kiss, kiss) Sammy poo

Sam: Enough aren't you late.

-- Anonymous, September 07, 1999

i have two rabbits. it used to be five, but we lost three this year. you might think rabbits aren't all that communicative, but oh, they exude personality.

TONSAI (a male): ohhh, hi! love me! feed me! i'm CUTE! ohhh, GIRL! ohhh.. hmmm.. girl.. must.. find.. way.. in.. hmmm.. ohhh! grass! i think i'll chew now. ...hi!

(all the rest are girls)

TAFFY: hiya. maybe i'll come up to the front, and.. oh, how nice, i really like to be petted. hop, hop. i'll sit here for awhile. oh, could i please have some food? no? fine, just pet me, then. food?

DOT: *moving head from side to side, almost dazed* uhhhh.. human. foodwater? uhhhh..

MARIGOLD: i's a poow wabbit. weave me awone. pwease. i's good but pwease don't touch me. owwwww.

EBONY: ugh. you again? puh-leeze. i don't want to talk to you; you're a booger. oh! crap! god, must you pick me up? pfft! oh, okay, the yard. see ya! if you ever catch me. like that'll happen.

only tonsai and ebony are still with us. ebony (aka neezer) is a punk, and tonsai is a sweetie. they each "talk" accordingly.

-- Anonymous, September 07, 1999

Just an apology for making my last entry a rather messy pile of ick. I totally forgot to include the HTML tags for line breaks. How 'bout we make that a double entry, as today's (9/7) topic is about how we're losing our minds? ;)

Sorry again.

-- Anonymous, September 07, 1999

Dear Forum:

Shitting on the floor RULES!!!

Love, Rocketsauce (Chito and Tara's new puppy)

-- Anonymous, September 08, 1999

Laura & Bob returning from 3 days of camping... Laura: Lex! Lex baby! How are you boy? Lex(just laying there unimpressed) Hey Laura: Lexerrr! Come here...did you miss me? Lex: Miss you? Pishaw. my grandparents were here to take care of me and give me treats all weekend... Laura: Lex? Lex: AND they took me to their house so I could terrify that wussy cat again just like old times. you remember that don't ya? when you gave me to them because I wasn't doing well in your new home environment? yeah those nice ones who apparently put up with you for 18plusyears Laura: The same ones who gave you filet for dinner every night and overfed you until you became the fattest Black Lab Rotti mix ever? Lex: Yeah them, my grandparents. Laura: Remember how you were always at the vet? and you were hospitalized for having too much fat in your diet? they did that to you Lex: but I was happier...and fuller then

-- Anonymous, September 08, 1999

my little doggie, Juliet, stays in a kennel during the day (don't worry --i could fit a dog 3 times her size in there and she is VERY destructive if left alone for more than 15 minutes.) so when i come home, this is what happens: (door opens) juliet: MMMMOOOOOMMMMM!!!!! outoutoutplease, i can't seem to open the door from over here but i PROMISE if i could i would- -WHY do you insist on putting down that armful of stuff before i jump on you??!! hellohellolovesyoulovesyou. me:hi baby puppy, how's my doodlebug? juliet: happyhappyjoyjoy...must run circles around coffee table--OOOO! there's a glass of water, think i'll smack my tail into that...yes!...water on floor! OOOOO!!! i need a toy, need a toy...yes! pink bear...ooooo, my fuzzy bear....ooooo no! i need a bone AND fuzzy bear. okayokay, MOMMY'S HOME, I LOVE YOU MOMMY oooo, gotta run around the coffee table again, lemme give you kisses and puppy hugs..oooooo gotta run around the coffee table..better move that ash tray if you know what's good for you....lemme give you kisses again... ME: you need to go potty, juliet? juliet: OMIGOD YES!!! ohmommyHURRY...and there are squirrels out there, they tease me all day and i must go get them--you know i can climb the trees if i just jump a little higher...OH OH MOMMY'S HHOOOMMMEE!!

and my chameleon, jack: (you must imagine his voice as the butler Hobson in the movie "arthur") oh, hello. i have eaten my crickets. then i walked over to the water bowl. i shimmied up the branch and climbed upside down on the screen. i am quite exhausted. after all, it takes a dreadful amount of time for me to patrol the cage, as it were. could you adjust the light, dear? thank you, good night.

-- Anonymous, September 10, 1999

This reminds me of the time I heard a comedian translate what dogs are saying when they're barking all day long in the yard. His translation: HEY! Hey hey! Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey! HEEEEEEEEEEEEY! Hey hey! Hey! ..... Hey!

Hee hee...just thinking of that comedian screaming "HEY!" over and over makes me giggle.

-- Anonymous, January 21, 2000