Are you bad about spying? Do you often get caught trying to stare at someone?

have you ever gotten busted for it?

Usually when I say, "That's not a nice shirt" or something, the entire table will turn their heads in unison.

It's different with Eric, however. He has no control over his volume knob, so everything comes out, "THAT'S NOT A NOSE YOU WANT TO BE SEEN WITH, IS IT?"

How are your spy skills?

-- Anonymous, September 08, 1999

Answers

I'm pretty good at being discreet. If someone tells me to check somebody out, I do "the sweep", which is a casual look around the room or area, where I don't let my eyes linger too long on the eyesore at hand so they never know I was looking at them. Another trick is to continue talking as you glance, making it appear all the more casual, as if you aren't even really seeing anything at all as you look around, since you are so busy talking. Unfortunately, I am the only one in my group of people that practices this spy tactic. Most of the time I'm like, "Check out that chick, is she a prostitute or what?...WAIT! I didn't mean whip your head around and stare at her! Shit, now we're getting the evil eye. Let's get outta here."

I was at a club downtown with a friend of mine who was always good to people watch with, and my idiot cousin tagged along with us against my will. I said to my friend, "Dig the chick with the cowboy boots and biker shorts - nice gut!" and my cousin practically gives himself whiplash to find her, decides he can't see her well enough so he puts on his glasses, looks again and says, "HER ASS IS WAY TOO BIG TO BE WEARING THOSE SHORTS!" I thought her boyfriend was going to kick my cousins ass, and was actually a little disappointed when he didn't.

-- Anonymous, September 08, 1999

Okay, I've got the PERFECT "spy" tactic, but I'm SURE it's distracting to the person I'm with. I don't even know how I developed this really, but what I do is, I am CONSTANTLY looking around, as if I'm looking for someone. Another person to join our group perhaps?

Like I said, I don't know where I got this, I could just be a big paranoid, but I always look at the door to see who came in - EVEN IF MY BACK IS TO IT - and I'm just constantly scanning the room.

Like I said, I'm sure it's annoying to the person I'm with, cuz of COURSE I can't keep eye contact while we're talking... but hey, at least I get to make fun of all the people first! HA!

That was really a joke. I'm horrible at making fun of people, so I never do it. (=

-- Anonymous, September 08, 1999

it's really more of the opposite with me. i see people giving me really weird stares all the time. i've come up with every possible explaination for this, including the idea that i'm the antichrist and i don't know it, so everyone is flabbergasted by my evil aura. this might seem really strange, but it's totally true. sometimes i wonder when i see someone staring at me open-mouthed if i've grown a third head or some

-- Anonymous, September 08, 1999

I also constantly look around whenever I go out. Luckily this doesn't annoy my girlfriend as she does the same thing. Actually, I always have to give her the chair that allows the best view of a restaurant. We are consummate spies- always knowing the exact volume and amount of looking we can get away with.

I guess we talk about other people so much that it has become second nature: we never lean in like conspirators, we wait for appropriate times to look, we use the "poor man's" system to point people out-"Check out the poor-man's Eddie Vedder with the do-rag"-, and we have our own little game that I picked up from her and her friends. It's called "Gay, Foreign or Military". When you see a guy dressed a certain way, say in white jeans, you have to decide if he is gay, foreign, or in the military. Very simple but full of endless amusement when your sitting in a bar on 6th St. During a layover in the Memphis airport we spent about 2 hours playing this game by the international gates.

-- Anonymous, September 09, 1999

One of my friends taught me to play "I spy" but it is not at all like the game you played as a child. Instead of saying "I think that woman went a little overboard with the red home hair color", you would say "I spy Peg Bundy" or "I spy Miss Clairol overload".

Fortunately, there are plenty of places within driving distance of my home where you can actually spend HOURS playing "I spy". The night I learned the game we were at a cheesy meat-market-type bar where many of the people were still living in the 80's fashion world (a couple people in our group wanted to go--not my normal hangout). My friend and I sat at the bar in the same seats all night sucking down cocktails and "spying". We spied "a horse" (girl with a banana clip holding back ratted, frizzy, frosted hair) and "Rod Stewart" (guy who really had his hair cut in that spiky, longish cut and bleached blonde). It's a fun game and a great way to make fun of people without them understanding if they happen to hear you, and a lot more creative than regular insults!

Of course, after a long bout of spying people you really get into it and then every sentence starts with "I spy"..."I spy I have to go the bathroom", "I spy I need another martini". You get the picture.

-- Anonymous, September 09, 1999