Do you make up songs? I've sung about a thousand variations on the "Smelly Cat" song from Friends, which I bet was something some writer made up about their own cat and sang around the house. But I do much more complicated song parodies, as well, although I'm not sure why. Just to amuse myself, I guess. And then I sing them to the cats.

Man, I am never going to be able to show my face in public again, am I?

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

Answers

I make them up all the time, and sing them to our various dogs, cats and rabbits, but I bow to your greatness, Beth....I bow down!

that song is Brilliant. I read it through, laughed, then read it through again and laughed some more.

I feel so humbled.

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

Oh, I can rewrite the lyrics to just about any song out there to reflect how abused I am, how everbody ignores me, and how mean everyone else is. I don't think my boyfriend much appreciates my obvious talents.

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

I work in a grocery store and I have to listen to that piped in music all day long. It drives me nuts. (A short drive.) Since the songs are always instrumental versions of what some popular singer sings on the radio, I get to sing the words myself. When I'm in the store warehouse I sing loud and obnoxious-like and I make up a new version that insults whatever targeted coworker who just happened to wander in my vicinity.

When I was in junior high, decades ago, I wrote this limerick and got in trouble with my English teacher. Gosh, it seems rather tame by today's standards.

There was a man who drank some beer.
He did a dance that was quite queer.
While doing 'The Jerk'
He went berserk
And landed on his rear.

Beth, like I tell all the great journalists, I come across, you need to quit your day job and take up writing. I love your website.

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

I got really bored one night and started making up anti-Phantom-Menace lyrics to a previously written song and by the time I was done, I had "Making Wookie." I then decided that I was too weird to live. Beth, thanks for assuring me that other people do this goofy stuff.

I don't have any cats, though, so no one's heard the song. Probably this is for the best.

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

No, you are not strange for making up a song for your pet. However your choice of subject matter is, shall we say, gauche. Hrrumph!

I wrote a song about our cat 'Ted'. My inspiration came one day when I was talking to him, I think I said something like 'You're such a friendly cat'. My wife overheard and, just to be argumentative, she said "Cats aren't friendly. No cat is 'friendly', they can be sweet at times but that doesn't make them friendly." Now I took exception to this, plus she wasn't even invited to take part in the conversation, so I wrote a song to make my point.

It's entitled 'Tedster the Friendly Cat' and it is highly obnoxious (I'll spare you the infantile lyrics, but let's just say they have an 'Old MacDonald' flavor). I worked out the melody. I composed the music on my computer in MIDI as a 5 track musical masterpiece: melody, percussion, base, and two accompaniments (sp?). I consulted with my younger brother, and he was kind enough to send me a Remixed version with a dance mix, technopop feel.

I will go to great lengths to a)make my point and b)annoy my wife. This time, I did both. Ah, life is good.

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

C'mon then, Beth- toss out another song and let's get to work . . .

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

Oh, yes, we make up songs about our dogs. Brandy has a whole song sung to that Barbie Girl song.

And that super soaker thing worked on Mack really well too. I hardly ever have to get the gun anymore, but when I do I just have to pick it up and he instantly starts behaving. Ginger isn't so afraid of it yet, but she doesn't like being squirted between the eyes!

Colleen

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

ieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! that was VERY funny.

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

We make up simple nonsensical songs, often about the cats. The most enduring one goes:

Two little cats
Who lived at our house
One was bad
The other was worse

We also sing sons on long car trips. Some of these have become traditions, like one that goes

I heart the Niners
The Niners
The Niners
The Niners

over and over again in a whiney voice. Gues you had to be there. Also humming "Winter Wonderland" in a monotone.

Most of the songs have little tune and don't rhyme and have lines like "Because I'm going to kill you now" or "Lizzie was then killed and I had to hide her body". What can I say, we think they're funny.

Long elaborate song parodies usually make my eyes glaze over, probably because I spent my youth in science fiction fandom where there is a huge tradition of people making up parody songs ("filk songs") and getting together to sing them. They are not to my taste, to put it mildly.

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

bwa ha ha ha ha ha! bwa ha ha ha ha ha!

hee hee hee hee hee! hee hee hee hee hee!

hats off Beth. That was great. Yes I'm guilty of sam, but never of being as funny as you.

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

I got the emails all morning, but good little worker bee that I am, I didn't read your page until lunch. I was anticipating something funny but then got worried that this would turn out to be another Blair Witch-unable to live up to the hype.

Oh, I was wrong, gloriously wrong. That was absolutely hysterical, Beth.

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

I love the song. But what cracks me up is the Far Side comic where a dog is sitting in the front seat of the car, telling another that he is going to the vet to get "tutor"ed. and he looks real proud and excited. Every time I take one of my animals to get fixed now, I say they are going to get tutored. Joy

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

Oh, great, THANKS, Beth. I snorted diet coke all over the damn keyboard and laughed sooooo freaking hard, my husband KNEW I wasn't working like I'd claimed to be. ;)

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

I have a couple of songs I sing to my dogs, one I made up and one to the tune of Downtown by Petula Clark. It's called *Outside*.

When you're alone and you're not feeling perky you can always go,
Out-side.
You'll see other dogs and some friends that are furry cause they always go,
Out-side.
Just listen to the other doggies barking in the city
Playing in their backyards with their tennis balls and kitty.
So much to do...
(skip to refrain)
Out-side, you'll get fresh air to breathe.
Out-side, you'll find a place to pee,
Out-side, critters are waiting for you.

The other one I sing while giving my dog, Panda, a bath. It's short but effective.

Panda poo, Panda pan, Dirtiest dog in the whole damn land.

If I sing it while running the bath water, she immediately runs and hides under my bed. Ah, the sound of music! Or is it my voice?

Yikes! Yes, I do have too much time on my hands.

I love your song, Beth! I hope Doc appreciates your songwriting skills like Panda and Molly appreciate mine. ;)

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

I've written hundreds of songs about my cat, Tova Louise (or Tove Weasel, as she is sometimes known, for her habit of walking as a weasel walks, with her belly about an inch off the ground and her elbows stuck up in the air.) When she's up on the kitchen counter, it's

She's bad, bad Weasel, Tove
The baddest cat on the whole damn stove

(To the tune of "Leroy Brown", natch.) I used to have a veritable ballad sung to the tune of "Lola" ["Tooo-va, T-O-V-A Tova, Tove Tove Tov-a Tova"] but the sole line I can remember now is "I'm not dumb but I can't figure out / Why she rubs up against me with her big stripey snout..."

Tova is an indoor cat but she spends lots of time looking expectantly at the doorway, silently longing to be let out, perhaps expecting a taxi [and periodically darting out-of-doors when possible], so I have yet another song to the tune of "Boll Weevil" by the Presidents:

Let me tell you 'bout a cat of mine
Her name's Tove Weasel check it out
She spends all day
On her big butt
Though she really wants to go outside...
Tove Weasel, get back into your home

The conclusion is, of course, "Let me tell you 'bout Tove Weasel / That cat is really hairy..."

I could go on, but why?

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

Beth that was the funniest thing I've read all day! Hats off to you!

What I like to do is really frustrate my boyfriend with my singing.... since my petname for him is 'Poohbear' after Winnie the Pooh (he's big and huggable and loves honey =) It goes to the tune of the Winnie the Pooh song.....

I lovvves you I lovves you I lovvves my Poohbear alls the time a now...

I just keep singing it over and over again in a silly high pitched little girl voice that drives him insane....it is really annoying but that's the whole point isn't it?

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

Making up songs together is what keeps our romance alive.

Most of our dog-related songs are Depeche Mode.

We used to sing to the tune of no Depeche mode song in particular, but with the deep, sad voice:

He's just a little guy,
He's just a small fry

The song doesn't apply anymore.

Now we sing to the tune of Gloria Estefans' Bad Boys:

Fat fat fat fat dogs
You make me feel so good
You drooly fat fat fat fat dogs
Make me feel so good
knew you would....

-- Anonymous, September 17, 1999

Yes, but not usually about anything.

I just mangle one lyric to a song on the radio, and then go from there.

-- Anonymous, September 17, 1999

Wow, glad you guys liked it! But thanks a lot ... I went around all night singing "Outside" and "Weasel Tove."

And now Doc's gone to get tutored. We've been using that joke, too -- also one of my favorite Far Sides.

-- Anonymous, September 17, 1999

The kinds of songs I make up are sick and wrong songs.

My best friend and I were butt broke, smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee and made a whole series of parodies on songs from The Sound of Music.There was "Anal Vice" instead of Edelweiss. My brother claims I have permanently ruined his experience of The Sound of Music because of "Anal Vice." There was the My Favorite Things parody, which started with the immortal phrase "Vibrating Butt Plugs..." and only went downhill from there. A friend said completely aghast,"My god, it's in rhyming couplets!"

Of course, now that I have a 6 year old, made up songs are a lot less obnoxious.

"He's a pokemaniac, and he's playing like he's never played before!"

-- Anonymous, September 17, 1999

Ah yes, but they're almost always sick country songs. Tho I don't listen to country music. Ever. And my subject choice is often inspired by road signs while traveling ("I Was Eatin' at the Chicken Lickin', Got Frackville on my Mind" - a trip through PA), or bodily functions ("I Thought it Was Love...But it Was Gas" - self explanitory...and "Gonna Have it Surgically Removed" - a song about underwear riding up my butt).

But as for my dogs...well, I sing to them all the time...their favorite? An homage to Eddie Murphy's illustrious singing career: "My dogs like to potty all the time, potty all the time, potty all...the...ti-i-ime."

-- Anonymous, September 17, 1999

I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who does this. I once started writing an entire Broadway musical about my office. (This was after I wrote a short-story mystery where I killed off half the office. We all have ways of dealing with stress.

I wrote the first song for my Broadway musical to the tune of "Send in the Clowns."

It's not my fault,
but I know who to blame.
Day in and day out
it's always the same.
Find someone to blame.

I had stage directions and everything.

-- Anonymous, September 20, 1999

I probably should not admit to this, but I am constantly making up song parodies. One of my favorites, "Ode to a Redneck asshole" is a charming tribute to my ex-husband. My SO is also the recipient of several tunes. He tries to help with these creations, but he just doesn't get rhyme and rythem thing. Ah well, he has his other talents...

-- Anonymous, September 20, 1999

I have to make up songs, since I'm the lead singer of a band and my bandmates get upset if I don't whip up some lyrics once in a while. However, because of certain still-extant neuroses, I can't write about anything serious or meaningful, and write only cheesy humorous songs about monsters. This is okay because we have a band rule of only writing songs about monsters. About the "heaviest" my songs have gotten is a work in progress--a five-song mini rock opera about a tiny monster named "Micromon" who embarks on a Joseph Campbell style "Hero's Journey", facing evil and learning the Meaning of Life (at least for a monster) but it's still in progress and I've only finished song 1 (which is a fairly bouncy pseudo-ska number about the tiny monster's fighting prowess.)

-- Anonymous, September 21, 1999

The most enduring song I ever made up has the title It's National Boo-Boo Day. And all the lyrics are repeating It's national boo-boo day over and over to a certain tune. This song sprang up when my children were little and for every bump and scrape that seemed unbearable I would start singing this silly song and before long we would all be laughing instead of crying! Now tnat they are much older 22 and 17 it still works!

-- Anonymous, September 23, 1999

Hehe, no you are not weird. Last summer I made a parody of Britney Spears' "What U See (Is What U Get)", and it was about my black dog, and how she was shedding her fur all over. Wow, I must have been very bored, but it was still fun to sing to my dog, just to irritate my mom!

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2001