Do you know someone with an unfortunate name? I knew an April Showers. My mom knew a Horseanne Carriage. Did you know someone named Divine Brown? Charles Whitman? Eddie Munster?

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

Answers

My brother knew a girl named Misty Lacy and another named Brandy Alexander; guess their folks hoped they'd grow up to be porn stars. I knew a Holly Wood. (Of course, the joke about her was they called her Holly Wouldn't.) I had a client whose first name was Little -- as in, Little John Smith. In our database, he's Smith, Little J. His father is John Smith, Sr. The son is in his 50s and they call him Little John. Terrible.

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

One of my friends growing up was named Michael Jordan. But the funny part is he had a little brother that his parents named Jordan. What? Jordan Jordan? Poor Kid.

We got a wedding invitation in the mail this week. The grooms mother was named Cheryl Sherrill.

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

i know a donna mcdonough (pronounced just like her first name only with a "mc" in front) and a chris christopher.

but my favorite candidate for "bad name" is the guy playing the emcee in the touring company of cabaret. he was roger in RENT for a while. his name is norbert leo butz. man, if your last name is butz, don't burden the kid with norbert! at least it's memorable.

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

Went on a blind date once with a guy named Rusty Bell. Went to high school with a Jennifer Flowers (ok, the spelling is different, but I'm sure she was teased for a while during the Clinton thing anyway). A friend of mine married a guy named Haikei, which was pronounced Hay-Key. Of course, he just went by Bubba instead. He had a friend named Bart that I was set up with, and he actually sat on the sofa and picked shit out from under his toenails in front of me the night we met, and was surprised when I didn't want to go out with him later. Went to school with a guy named Irish O'Neal, which I always thought was a really cool name. And then there were the names that weren't that bad, but the names people made out of them were. A girl with the last name Ferber was called Furburger throughout high school. A guy with the last name Crouch was called Crotch. My husband, then just my boyfriend, was called Rectum, a stretched dirivitive of Ecton. There seemed to be a pelvic and anal fixation at our school. Oh, and a girl with the last name Galecki was called Getlucky, because everyone did. I worked with a girl named Silver Herring, and a guy named Red Ball. I also know someone with the last name Bare who named his son Cole. In the South, Cole Bare and Cold Beer sound exactly the same. Poor kid.

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

The compnay where I used to work had a customer named Fifi Ball, no one could say her name without giggling.

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

I went to school with a girl named Summer Devine, a perfect stripper name if I ever heard one. Only problem is, Summer weighed 400 lbs and had a perpetual wedgie, which she would comment on. "Oh, look at this one!" There is a gospel singer who comes here sometimes named Candy Christmas(her married name). I knew a girl named Monique Measelle (me-ZELL) that everyone called Monique Measle. And I met a girl last month named Candice Kane. She chose to go by Candy, so her checks say Candy Kane.

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

There were two people I went to school with that if they ever got married, her name would end up being Jenna Talia (genitalia) and when I was younger I knew a guy named Richard Head (and what's short for Richard? yeah).

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

Some of the funniest names I've seen have been:

1) Dick Trickle

2) Dick Hertz

And my absolute favorite name that was faxed to me a while ago as company stationary from one of our clients:

Sally Goodhead

Sally gives what? :)

Anyone remember that song that went:
OoooooOooh! Sally! Whew! That girl! ??

Poor woman.

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

I have never been able to call people named Dick by their first name. Maybe it's just the childish side of me coming through, but for some reason I can't just get over it. I know that if I so much as say, "Hi Dick" I will blush and giggle. The company I work for has a customer named Dick Fuller (which is actually kind of funny altogether) that I have tried to call Richard AND Mr. Fuller. He accepts neither, and insists that I call him Dick. So I don't call him anything at all. I would rather say Hey You than Hey Dick. I don't trust myself to keep a straight face.

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

When I worked in daycare we had a 14 month old whose first name was Holly and middle name was Day. Whenever the song "Holiday" by Madonna would come on the radio, she would jump up and down and clap her hands, completely stoked that there was a song with her name in it.

I had a substitute teacher in high school whose last name was Gay. Strike one. Her first name was Goodness. Once that got out the kids tormented her until she ran out of the classroom crying. Were her parents Puritans or something?

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

For a while in Uni, I worked as a Lady's social secretary, and used to do up her invitations....It is hard to keep up your penmanship when you are writing names like Butte Wiggler, and French Tichler on place cards.

Of course, mine pale in comparison with my brother, who had a summer job once where he worked with a pair of twin girls from mainland China. Their parents had wanted to give them North American sounding names, because they were planning to move the family to Vancouver, so they watched some American television to get some ideas. The girls were named Heckle and Jeckle. Not a word of lie.

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

One of the longtime coaches for minor baseball round here is named Jack Gough. The "gh" is pronounced "f". He won an award a year or two ago, and the woman reading out the names (who'd been primed ahead of time on correct pronunciation) just lost it. "And the winner for Best Coach... Jack... hee hee hee - Jack Go- ha ha ha - Jackoff... snort snort..." The crowd went wild, and I don't know whose face was redder when he came up to the podium... But I'd say my name, normal though it seems, is mighty unfortunate too. NO ONE knows how to spell it, everyone resents being told how to spell it, and people (who don't know me and will never know me better) keep insisting on calling me Kathy.

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

My roommate in collge was named April May. She's married now, but we still refer to her by both names...it doesn't even sound funny to us any more.

There's an old guy I know named Dick Rhym. It's almost obscene.

The only other one I can think of was the boys dean at my high school: Mr. Dildine. Not that anyone dared make fun of it anywhere near the vicinity of the high school, mind you. One big, scary mother*****. Saw him beat the crap out of a black student who was running away...slammed him into the door, threw him down and started kicking...

Not that has anything to do with his name, of course.

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

oh man. vice principal of my jr high Mr. Oder

my cousin went to school with a girl named Destiny Hooker... she dropped out in 9th grade for a pregnancy.. who knew..

i know a social worker named Phouc Yu Bich (pronounched Fook you bick, but you look at what it looks like it should be pronounced like)

my best friend has identical twin cousins named.. i kid you not... Marlon and Brando.

oy!

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

a kid at my grade school was named Justin Case. the more i think about it, the more it amuses me. just think about the implications of that. :)

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

2 cousins at high school, one had the surname "Freak", the other one was "Strange". It's possible there was another branch of the family named "Craze", but this was never confirmed. My surname is "Frajer"..which means I found out early on, just what a 'franger' is. Oh, the joys of childhood.

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

I have a cousin by marriage whose name is Stormy Rhain Jake (full name). I have a patient at work whose name is Kristen Wristen. I had some others in mind but now I've forgotten them. I think those are two pretty good examples, though!

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

I taught a class at a collage for a few years...

I had a Jack Frost, a Long Dong, and my personal favorite, Ralph Upchuck.

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

Tammy Hussy! She's one of the ones I couldn't remember. Poor girl. I can't imagine going thru life being called Hussy. And when she got married, she didn't take her husband's name!

My poor boyfriend's name is Durwood. I don't think that's so bad, but people tease him constantly. My friends want to call him Woody, but I think Woody is even worse than Durwood.

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

my uncle's a doctor. he once delivered a baby named potassium by its mother. poor kid.

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

I have an aquantance name Heidi Holm. I want to peek over her fence and yell "Heidi Holm good neighbor!". She's a good person though. I new Susie Raguzie and a Stormy Weaver. I always thought Dick Schap's last name was "Shaft". How about Dick Button? Ouch. A historical guy in our city was Justin Increase Case (J.I. Case, the guy who made the tractors). I knew a Carmen McDonald (very ethnic name). A girl I knew name Layah Honor married Randy Sidenspinner. Layah Honor- _Sidenspinner. She doesn't use her maiden name though.

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

My maiden name was Cockburn -- you can only imagine...

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

http://www.rock103.com/drakeandzeke/badbabyname.html

My 2 faves are "Formica Dinette" and "Bingo Starlight".

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

Thanks for the rent reference, Aggie! Yes, poor Norb...not to mention his nicknames - I'd hate to be called Norb or Norbie all the time. Another guy in Rent is named Manley Pope - that's sort of weird. I've never seen any particularly manly popes...

Once when I was working in a Dallas hospital, our social worker had to speak with a new mother for hours, convincing her not to name her daughter "Vagina".

-- Anonymous, September 16, 1999

In grade school I knew a brother and sister- Liberty and Justice. In high school a guy named Cleave Shear wanted to beat me up...he carried a knife. In college one of my very dear friends was English Toole, but we just called her ",". My mom still has a problem remembering my friend Elsie Maynard Lanoux's name (she goes by Maynard); she wants to call her Muldoon, but sometimes she just refers to her as "the pretty girl with the ugly name".

I've also come across some good names at work like King James (that's a name, not a title), Sacajewea Grace, Olumbumni Olugbodi, and more that are too numerous to mention.

-- Anonymous, September 17, 1999

Here's a good one: I used to go to summer camp, and there was a tuba player there named Richard Eder. (Dick Eater)!!

Also...my 7th grade sex Ed. teacher was named Ms. Hooker.

Hee Hee!!!

-- Anonymous, September 17, 1999

The former principal of my junior high school, a Mr. June, named his daughter April May. Not nice.

Bob Geldof & his ex-wife saddled their children with some truly awful names, the worst of which is Fifi Trixiebelle.

I met a little boy a few years ago whose name perfectly exemplified the good things about the global village: Akira Fitzgerald. Now that's one I really like.

-- Anonymous, September 17, 1999

My maiden name is "Ice", and I was teased constantly about that. For some reason, no one knows how to spell it. They always ask. When I respond calmly "I. C. E."....they are like..."Oh."

I have known a Walter Walters and a Mike Hunt (whom I always called Michael when using both names). I knew of a man who had my exact name, first and last. That freaked me out, a man named Joy. Recently I found out the founder of Morton Salt was Joy Morton, also a man.

My father went to a dermatologist named Dr. Spot. In my hometown, there was a lady named Judy who married Mr. Judy, so her name became Judy Judy (not kidding). Her maiden name must have been horrendous for her to change it.

-- Anonymous, September 17, 1999

I went to high school with a Lance Boyle. Ouch.

-- Anonymous, September 17, 1999

My last name is Koch. (Ka-tch. Like Ed Koch.) So my taunting developted as time went on. When I was younger, it was 'Crotch'. As I got older, they turned the ch into a hard K.

It's nice to have a last name that adapts to the mentality (or lack thereof) of your peers.

-- Anonymous, September 17, 1999

There's a politician in New Hampshire named Dick Sweatt -- my fiance and I used to love seeing his commercials, because he didn't call himself Richard Sweatt, he just campaigned under the name Dick Sweatt. If I lived in NH, I've voted for him.

-- Anonymous, September 17, 1999

I went to school with a chldren from the Love family there was Dixie Love Eros Love Heaven Lee Love I also knew Siblings with the last name Pitz, they were Harry and Cherry. But I think the worst would be my nephew which I believe I have already posted, but he is B.J. Seamens poor child.

-- Anonymous, September 17, 1999

You wont believe this.. but I knew a lady whose first name was Patricia,(but people called her Pix) last name was Butts... so Pix Butts.... How about Phil Mccrakin... I had a David Koresh in one of my classes at uni... Elizabeth Taylor sometimes sings at my church.. and, i activated an internet account for Jesus the other day...

-- Anonymous, September 17, 1999

I know a girl who's name is Rose Marie...she married David Rose. Her name is Rose Rose. She goes by R.M. Rose.

A friend from college named her daughter Heaven-Leigh. She did this ON PURPOSE!!!!!!

-- Anonymous, September 17, 1999

My math teacher in high school was Mrs. Dickensheets. Her husband was Hans Harry Dickensheets. I kid you not.

-- Anonymous, September 17, 1999

Gag. Why would anyone name their child Heaven? Crazy. My neighbor in my home town is Dick Head. He is a realtor, so his face is on signs all over town with his name right there next to it.

We have a family friend named Richie Money. His dad's name was Cash. When Richie's wife had a baby girl, we all begged him to name her Penny. He refused. They named her Megan which we all pronounce Makin'. Makin' Money.

When I was in grade school, there was a Korean boy in my class named Charles Koh. My parents tormented me all the time saying "If Allison Lowe married Charles Koh, she would be Allison Lowe-Koh!" (loco)

-- Anonymous, September 17, 1999

i also know a set of sisters, who, along the lines of liberty and justice, are named faith, hope and charity.

-- Anonymous, September 17, 1999

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My friend has been singing thsi damned song for the past week and a half and she keeps asking us if we've heard it, but I have never heard of it in my entire life.

-- Anonymous, September 17, 1999

A friend of mine's mother's family name is Wack.

My friend's aunts were:

Fanny and Patricia (Patty) Wack.
But the best is her mom's:
Winifred. Her middle name is Mae. She goes by Winnie. She married a guy whose name was Sharp.

Winnie Mae Wack Sharp.

The fun part of my job is seeing all the salesguy's codes. The system we use is to take the first initial of their first name and the first three initials of their last name to create a four letter code for them.

Some of the best have been:
AHOR
COCK
RHOR
DICK
RESP - Only because you had to start singing (E-C-T!)
and my personal favorite: GFUN. He always calls in, with this somewhat high pitched voice: "HI! This is GEE FUN!" I love him!

-- Anonymous, September 18, 1999

Atayah!!

Oh.my.buddha! Someone understands! Koch is my maiden name! Only mine is/was pronounced like Coach. Holy CRAP I hated that name. If I hadn't have gotten married, I would have changed it legally when I changed my first name.

"Are you related to the mayor?"

"Um, no. Here's your sign, idiot."

"Hi, can I speak to a Mr. Cook? Coke? Couch? Crotch? Cooch?"

Ugh.

I get MUCH better responses with my new last name.

"Baldwin."

"Any relation to Alec?"

"You think I'd own you 7000.00 if I was related to Alec?!"

-- Anonymous, September 18, 1999

In this month's issue of Bon Appetite, there's an article about Pike Place market. One of the featured vendors is Nancy Nipples.

Nancy Nipples. And she sells dairy products!

-- Anonymous, September 18, 1999

My father had a childhood friend named Dicky Laycock, what a shame. I've heard of some one with the last name Fukuda, and not to be sexist there was also a Fukuma. I found the last name Bumgardner very amusing, I'd almost want to have that last name. My friend's mom went to college with a girl named Dorkus Gross. And we've all heard those stories of a little girl named Shithead, pronounce Shateyad or something. What are these people thinking? -g

-- Anonymous, September 19, 1999

I guess I haven't been as fortunate as all of you to have met or known such interestingly named folks. I only knew 2 people, as far as I can remember, who's names are silly. I was friends with a Colleen Hussey, which I think is a sad name for any "respectable" girl to have (maybe that's why she wasn't???) and I knew of a Crystal Ball. That's not such a bad name to have, silly but not open for much degrading ridicule.

-- Anonymous, September 20, 1999

there was a girl who went to my childhood church whose name was Dorkus. also, a friend's older sister dated a Stormy Weathers. A teacher at my elementary school knew twins named Twin A and Twin B. My mom told me a story about a woman at our small town hospital who thought her husband had already named their new baby girl. the nurse said 'no, why did you think that?' the new mother said, 'it's on her chart --Female.' (pronouncing it Feh-molly) apparently she had never seen this gender identifying word before.

-- Anonymous, September 22, 1999

I just got off the phone with Dick Skull. He seems nice enough, but I still won't ever be able to call him by his name. What is so wrong with the name Richard that men actually prefer to use Dick, especially with a last name like Skull? Dick Martin, okay. Dick Jones, fine. Dick Skull? How horrible!

And I remembered a girl named Velva from elementary school. I wonder if she saw the Seinfeld episode about the name that sounds like a female body part? I wonder if she had a sister named Mulva.

-- Anonymous, September 22, 1999

Doubly Unfortunate: Captian Canada, who had a twin sister Tenille. He used to live down the street from me, but the last anyone saw him was in the ladies department at a local upscale department store on his sugar daddy's credit card.

More bad names: Rainy Summer Days, and her sister Cloudy Winter Days.

My aunt once had to approve a loan for Formica Dinette once. She was too busy laughing to fill out the paperwork at first.

-- Anonymous, September 22, 1999

This topic's long dead, but I just had to mention... my little sister's name is Robyn Steele (say it out loud) and my parents considered naming my brother Lyan. They named him Ryan instead. My mother's maiden name was Done, pronounced to rhyme with loan, and they thought about hyphenating, to make the kids "Rob, 'n don' steal" and "Ryan, don' steal." I knew a girl in junior high whose name was Velvet Cherub....and one whose name was Crstl. Like Crystal, but not?

-- Anonymous, December 11, 1999

My freshman year of highschool, the sex ed teacher's name was Mr. Glasscock.

My married name seems impossible for some people to grasp- Hichens (hitchens). I've heard it pronounced Hickens, Hutchins, Kitchens, and we just got a card addressed to Hickers.

My first name is very simple- Pamela. But, for some reason, once in a while random people start calling me Paula.

-- Anonymous, December 28, 1999

People accidentally call me "Paula" all of the time. It's my mother's name. She gets called "Pamela" all of the time as well. Bizzare.

-- Anonymous, December 29, 1999

Sigurd, Thor, and Tyr Wilbanks. Lotus and Jasmine Goldstein. Kelly Green (her father was a painter...).

My brother's wife had the initials of CPM; all her boxes of books had her initials on them, and when I helped them move, it took me the longest time to figure out why my brother had kept his old CP/M books, let alone so many...

Reidan Fredstrom. I have no idea what her parents were thinking. A cute little baby boy, who shall rename nameless, whose initials are NRA. Then there's Kim Katherine Kraemer...

-- Anonymous, December 30, 1999

There's a kid at my school named Breighton Early. There's also a Nimrod Goldshtrom. Nimrod... ha!

My dad (Robert Noble) used to get mail addressed to Bobert Noblob. I received a piece of mail a few months ago address to Sty Nibbles.

*sigh*

-- Anonymous, December 30, 1999

This is too much fun. Names I've seen: Dorcas Hawker--just unfortunate. I had a student last semester by the name David Berkowitz (if you don't know why that's bad, see "Summer of Sam"). Michael Jackson was our college desk clerk (he was white). There was a whole family in North Texas I knew by the last name of Crapp. My ex- girlfriend wants to name her children after all these "pretty" chemicals she reads about in med school: Lysine, Tryptophan, Leucine, etc. I had a professor in college named Mrs. Bator. That's OK in itself, but she had a M.S., and no one would dare call her Master Bator. (Or would it be Mistress Bator? Oh well....) Finally, I used to go to the University of North Texas (UNT), which used to be known as North Texas University (NTU). It has its own radio station, KNTU, which decided not to change its call letters when the university changed its name. I didn't understand why until someone explained it to me....

-- Anonymous, January 21, 2000

A friend of a friend of a friend named her four daughters: Blessing Hope Miracle Too Precious and one more I can't remember, no doubt equally horrendous.

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

Well, since the returns didn't show up, I guess I'd better specify: "Blessing Hope," "Miracle," "Too Precious," and another I can't remember.

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

Checking the US phone directory, I see there are 84 Harry Cox, and 10 Harry Kuntz listed.

Hee hee.

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

A friend's dad is Gerald Fitzgerald.

I went to school with a Patrick Fitzpatrick.

I work with a Dick Dickinson.

Another friend wanted to name her children Levi and Denim. Luckily, her husband's sense of reason prevailed.

One of my teachers in high school had a brother with a sick sense of humor. He and his wife had two daughters - Crystal and Shandel. Then they had a son. They named him Lear. Crystal Shandel Lear.

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2000

I friend of mine is a speech therapist for the local school system. One year, she had the Kane twins: The girl, as you've probably guessed, was named Candy; the boy ... was named Nova.

One of my co-workers told me she used to work with a rather large woman named Rotunda Bustamente.

And another said he went to high school with a guy named Rusty Nail.

Here in Montgomery, we have a dentist named Amy Toothaker.

And my parents have two friends from their Eastern Star chapter who are named Bonnie and Clyde.

I could go on and on ...

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

One more I just thought of: My mother's stepbrother is named Dickey Bobo. He says he usually has to wait for people to stop laughing when he tells them his name and then they ask him how to spell it.

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

I worked with a Vietnamese guy that went by the name John but the name he was born with was pronounced "Hung". I asked him if his given name has ever been a problenm here in the U.S. and he said, "Oh no man, it's great. When you go to a bar can you walk up to some chick and say Hi, I'm Hung!"

-- Anonymous, February 15, 2002