What are your food and beverages saying?

-- Anonymous, October 14, 1999

Answers

There is a bowl full of Hershey's TasteTations on the counter in the break room. You know, the ones that taste like Girl Scout Thin Mint Cookies? Sometimes, when I am working through lunch and no one else is around I hear:

"pssst...lisa..." which I ignore.

"Pssst! Hey! Lisa! Over here - in the break room!" I continue to ignore.

"Leeeeesaaaaaa...could you come here a second, please?" I stop typing and look toward the door.

"Come on, Lisa...it's crowded in here. Someone refilled us this morning, and we're feeling all claustrophoic and shit..." I hear the TasteTations giggling, which really should be my warning to go no further, but am already starting to get out of my chair.

"Well, what do you want me to do about it?" I hiss.

"Come eat way too many of us so we won't be so cramped in here, you know, like you did that one time."

"I got severe stomach pains from you guys. You aren't my friends."

"Sure we are, Lisa. You just got hold of Rupert - he was the bad one of the bunch. No Ruperts here now though, you're safe with us."

"Well, I guess just one can't hurt me, right?"

"One? What's this 'one' crap? You need to eat at least 20 if we're going to have any personal space at all in here. Just grab a coupla handfuls, and go back to your office."

I don't always give in. And just for the record, I have never eaten 20 in a sitting. I am strong, and don't do everything the TasteTations tell me to do. Usually one small handful is sufficient.

-- Anonymous, October 14, 1999

Sometimes mine says "I'm lonely."

-- Anonymous, October 14, 1999

The din that arose from candy and cookies begging for freedom from my cupboard eventually prompted me to stop buying them. I mean, they were keeping me up nights!

-- Anonymous, October 14, 1999

right now my food is saying, "ky, please eat us, you haven't touched us in two days." and i have to respond, "that's because i went to the doctor and they said that i have inflamed intestines and stomach lining and when i eat you, it hurts a lot." and my food is saying, "but please..." and then it looks at me with such sad sad sad eyes, especially my spaghettiO's and it's so hard to resist, but i have to because DAMN those intestines hurt.

-- Anonymous, October 14, 1999

"Meghan...We're over here, Meghan..." I'm trying so hard to ignore them. Honest, I am. "...Right over here, just around the corner..." Damn you! Evil spirits! Leave me be! "Oh, just one cookie won't hurt you..." No! The nice hospital people said no more junk! "Oh, we're not junk, you LOVE us!" SCREW intestinal blockage...I'm coming, I'm coming!

I'm so pathetic.

-- Anonymous, October 14, 1999

Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia is singing its sweet siren song from my freezer, e'en as I type.

Thankfully, it does NOT sound like the Grateful Dead.

Actually, it sounds like Kaa. You know, from Disney's Jungle Book? Hypnotic and ever'thing.

-- Anonymous, October 16, 1999

Sleep talks to me. It says, "Just put your head down for five minutes. Just lie down for half an hour. Come on, you know you want to spend more time with me. You know you'll feel like shit if you don't. Because even coffee can't replace ME. I'M SLEEP."

Uh. I think I read the coffee entry too many times.

-- Anonymous, October 19, 1999

When I was little and didn't want to eat something, my mom would make it talk. (She's a children's librarian and has spent half her life doing puppet shows, so there you go.) She would make the food left on the plate cry and say how much it wanted to be in my stomach with all its friends. The really sad thing is, this always worked. I have a soft spot for the feelings of inanimate objects. (Sobbing during "The Brave Little Toaster" and all that.) Weird.

-- Anonymous, October 19, 1999

There is something about peanut butter that is addictive to me. I work making espresso, and we make a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup latte. (chocolate, caramel, and a beautiful scoop of peanut butter) I don't like to drink espresso, because it's one more bad thing I don't need to be addicted to and I don't handle the high-high caffine intake but the peanut butter hooked me. I get one free drink, and then it's $2.25-$3.00 for another. Does the peanut butter care? Certainly not. It cries to me all day. It longs to be melted into the latte. So I put it in the drawer. That muffles it's cries, but...

-- Anonymous, December 12, 1999

Oh man, that Peanut-Butter Latte sounds good.

On night like this when I am working late (and procrastinating by going through journal forums) I can hear the Friendly's restaurant down the street calling my name. I work at a small college in a real small town and there are only two or three places to eat anywhere near here. McDonalds, JEffery's Pizza, and Friendly's. Friendly's is a chain family restaurant with crappy food but really good ice cream sundae's. Every half hour or so a peanut butter cup sundae calls from the distance saying "come get me, Dave, I'll help you get your work done. The reason you are procrastinating is because you can't concentrate because you are so hungry. Eat me and everything will be fine."

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000