hey. thought i'd post here too.

in case you want to leave me love poems and testaments of my love for you.

heh-heh. i said "testa."

love,

coffee

-- Anonymous, October 14, 1999

Answers

it'sscarybecauseiunderstoodeverymuthafukinwordyouweresayinbecausei'mal lhoppeduponmythirdcuppajoeandlovineveryminuteofitwhatwouldieverdowitho utmymorningcuppalovethankyoucoffeethankyouthankyouthankyouformakingmyl ifecompleteforgivingmylifemeaningithinki'mgoingtogopourmyselfanothercu pnowhaveaniceday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-- Anonymous, October 14, 1999

Ah, Coffee, my love, thank you for existing. It's not your caffeine that makes me swoon for you (we've learned that caffeine rarely does anything for me), but your dark, hot, sultry taste that warms my throat and tickles my tummy. A little Mocha Mix, a little chocolate and (sometimes) a little sugar and...

Heaven
I'm in heaven
And my heart beats so
That I can hardly speak

Well, I guess your caffeine does affect me on occassion, as my heart beats in triple time timpani against my breastbone and my eyeslids twitch uncontrollably. (But why, oh why won't you wake me up?)

But that doesn't matter. I still love you, my dearest Coffee. And I always will.

-- Anonymous, October 14, 1999

Thank you coffee for making me need to shit at the worst times.

Thank you coffee for making my breath smell like said ill-timed shit.

Thank you coffe for mixing well with cigs.

Thank you coffee for employing thousands of undeclared majors via Starbucks.

Thank you coffee for getting me through the last stages of Resident Evil 2.

Thank you coffee...thanks a lot.

-mt

-- Anonymous, October 14, 1999

Oh, coffee, you *babe.* I drool at your presence. I fantasize about you during boring, sleep-inducing meetings. I go to Starbucks every day and get my espresso frappucino, better known as my "little cup of liquid speed." You are what makes me go, go, go...

Hey, coffee, did you know there's a comic book dedicated to you? It's called "Too Much Coffee Man" and it can be found at http://www.tmcm.com/. It *rules.*

Wistfully yours,

Roe

-- Anonymous, October 14, 1999

You bitch.

For two and a half years, I worshipped you. I tasted you every morning, rain or shine, whether I was tired, or already full of energy. I didn't care. I was in love. There's nothing I wouldn't do to have the taste of you in my tongue upon waking. i didn't think I could make it through a day without you.

And then I broke free. I got away from you and saw what you really were doing to me. You sapped my energy and my will. You left my down and depressed at the end of the day when I needed you most. You kept me up every night, my brain dancing from your touch, making me more dependent on you with each passing day.

But I got away. I spent a vacation without you and discovered others. Water. Yeah, water. Water may not be glamorous. Water may not be a thrill. But Water is THERE. Dependable. Fulfilling. Good for me. Water won't kill me.

And when I need to have some fun, when the routine of that relationship isn't enough, I take ginseng out. I saw what you wrote about ginseng. I think you're jealous. You don't know ginseng like I do  all you care about is yourself.

Personally, I'm glad to be rid of you. I may miss your scent, your taste, your "skin's the color mocha" (yeah, I think of you when I hear that fucking song), but I'm better without you. I'm stronger now.

I don't need you.

Go to hell.

omar

-- Anonymous, October 14, 1999

Man, coffee. I had three shots of your cousin espresso and a whole big bucketload of raspberry latte with lots of whipped cream one time and I thought I was gonna die. I was making baseball umpire signs ("Safe! You're outta here!") to everyone in the coffee shop and I was convinced the car was moving backwards when it was just sitting still at a stoplight. Then I got home and barfed. Oh, man. Espresso tastes even worse coming up than it does going down, especially when mixed with a latte pepperoni sub with everything on it. My mommy thought I was drunk. No, I told her. Just too much coffee.

Personally, I'm not crazy about your taste, but you keep my mom sane in the mornings, so I know I can call her and she won't bite my head off.

-- Anonymous, October 14, 1999

Dear Mr. or Ms. Coffee,

I regret to inform you that you're not a big part of my life -- a mocha twice a week, tops. This will hurt you to hear, but Pepsi's all I need to get by. Pepsi and I are rock-solid, have been for years. On the rare occasions Pepsi's not around, Coke will do -- love the one you're with, you know -- but Coke really doesn't cut it. Pepsi is the love of my life.

Don't be jealous. It doesn't become you.

Regards,

-- Anonymous, October 14, 1999

well, mr. timbland,

I think your name says it all. You don't need coffee? That's because your name is "bland," mister. Bland people poo-poo the coffee. I understand your need to be boring and conventional.

and yeah, omar, i can be a bitch. a cruel bitch. and a bastard. I'm both. i am COFFEE!

and if you scorn me i can scorn you back. you can only go without me for so long.

mwah-ha-ha-ha!

-- Anonymous, October 14, 1999

...i dunno, baby...those one liter cokes-in-the-bottle from mexico are slowly sucking me into the fold...

love your "i like you with cream" devotee, eleanor

-- Anonymous, October 14, 1999

Coffeeeeeee.

You are it. I drink tea sometimes, sometimes coke, but never as a substitute to you, my dark master. Every day starts with copius amounts of you. I savor your flavor, the richness, the essence of some tropical place where you are nurtured. I drive out of my way to the place where they only serve you if they have roasted you theirselves, lovingly turning you til you're deep choclate in color.

After lunch I'm back for your cold counterpart, the Iced King Mocha 4. Ice, Milk, chocalate and 4 shots of espresso. Named after Elvis, befitting royalty. You make me what I am. You put me in the Here, the Now. When I talk to people who don't love you, I become bored listening to them talk. Sooooooo slowwww. It's like I'm dragging the words out of them. Comeonspititoutalready!

I love you before I see a band. Because of you, I mosh.

You are my muse.

I will never leave you.

-- Anonymous, October 14, 1999

Coffee, So sorry, you are out of my life. You keep trying though, don't you. Every now and then I hear the seduction call - but you aren't counting on....pregnancy! No I'm not pregnant, but I have been, twice. And those little babies actually made genetic changes to my tastebuds for me, to help me resist your call. Now you taste like crap. Sorry, I keep trying, I really do. Just can't take your horrible taste.

But I loooovvee your smell.

Diane

-- Anonymous, October 14, 1999

babies need coffee.
babies love coffee.
and you can't blame your baby on your buds changing.
that's me getting into your system and changing your chemical make-up to only make you like things that I approve of.
sometimes it's hard to love coffee. You know what? Sometimes it's hard to love you. But I keep loving you, don't I. Do I ever turn you down?

Come back to me, baby. Let's work this out.

-- Anonymous, October 14, 1999

... you're right. I can't stay mad at you. I'm so weak -- and you're such a... magnificent bastard (and bitch).

Maybe, you know.. we could... meet. Over coffee, maybe. Just don't tell anyone, okay? It'll be our little... secret.

I'm going to hell.

o.

P.S. I think your theme song should be that Santana "Smooth" song. Foul temptress.

-- Anonymous, October 14, 1999

Screw you, coffee!

You make my already shaky hands jitter and twitch so badly I can't hold a pencil. When you do that dance of joy in my stomach, you distract me with pain until I can't concentrate. And when I needed you most, when I was under the most pressure, I drank a bit too much of you, went into caffeine psychosis and fell asleep. I'm not associating with your kind anymore, coffee, right after I finish this cup!

-- Anonymous, October 14, 1999

iloveyoucoffee!!!!! ineedyoucoffee! screwperiodsandcommasandthatlameassshit! allhailcoffee! allhailcoffee! javamochacappucinoespressocuppajoeiNEEDyou! givemepower! bestowuponmeyouralmightyradiance!!!!!!

-- Anonymous, October 14, 1999

Coffee,

Yeah, like I've never heard the last-name joke before. Talk about boring and conventional. And how 'bout this for boring and conventional -- STARBUCKS.

You know, when you get right down to it, you're nothing but highfalutin, drug-addled, hot-tempered water.

Put that in your Frappacino and smoke it.

Bitter (much like you),

-- Anonymous, October 14, 1999

Coffee~ you have never seduced me. i love your smell, i go into coffeeshops just to smell you... BUT i have only drunk you on three (count 'em-- 1, 2, 3) occasions. mountain dew is how i get my caffiene. oh, and i never, NEVER drink you with sugar. milk ONLY and NO flavorings. EVER. you are ruined by sugar and chocolate and such ickiness. anyway, i am sorry, but our relationship has been like those middle school ones that last for two weeks and then someone gets dumped. unfortunately, coffee, you were the one who was dumped... ~ky

-- Anonymous, October 14, 1999

i just need to say that i think that pamie is the only person who could ever make us all write to coffee. and that i almost pissed my pants when i read that letter FROM coffee.

-- Anonymous, October 14, 1999

I pity the foo' that drinks coffee!

-- Anonymous, October 14, 1999

Oh, coffee, You like it hard and fast, while I'd much prefer sipping. You knock me around but I love you anyway. I just keep coming back when that english paper or lab due date comes around. Even if people DO have funny trails after I drink you. You can be so loving, and I'm such a bad girl. I need you. I want to be with a cup of you all the time.

Wait! No! I don't need the tossing and turning, the dilated pupils, the shirts pulled up over the head with the Cornholios! Take your fucking whole bean goodness and get the fuck outta my kitchen, mutherfucker! And remember all those times I sighed contentedly while drinking you? I have news for you buster! I was faking it!

-- Anonymous, October 14, 1999

Oh coffee. We first met when I was so very young. You made me feel older, sophisticated, worldly. Yet now I find that you stunted my growth. In college, we would stay up all night just talking. We'd meet in between classes at the Espresso Royale, go downstairs where it was good and smokey, and sometimes we'd never even make it to the next class. Remember that time I took your nephews and nieces, the chocolate covered espresso beans, to my philosophy of science class and kept everyone awake? How about the time I drank 2 pots of you while studying and my pee came out almost like you? Oh, they were good times.

But alas, my days of experimentation are past. I had to move on; you understand, don't you? My girlfriend just kept going on and on about how bad you were for me and how if I drink you after a meal you rob my body of all of the nutrients I've just ingested, not to mention what happens to my kidneys. I just couldn't take it. But I see you have others, so what do you care? Just leave me alone. Besides, when I need a little somethin' somethin', I know where to go. It's got caffeine and ginseng (I know you hate her) and gotu kola and lots of other exotic things, plus it gives me what I really need- wings. That's right, I'm riding the Red Bull. Yippee kay yea!

-- Anonymous, October 14, 1999

I'd love you coffee, but you turn me down.

I tried you and tried you. I watched you go through all my friends. I hated you for loving them and hating me, but still I lusted after you. So, I slept with your family. Mountain Dew, tea, Penguin (caffinated peppermints), caffinted water. I got around all right. I thought that if I got some experince you might give me a chance. But every time I got my hands on you and savored your sweet smell you tasted like ashes in my mouth. Even choclate wouldn't help. No matter what you wouldn't love me.

I feel dispondant. I felt small. I got depressed. I needed help. Medical help.

The medicine keeps me sane.

I take pills...NoDoze.

Byrne.

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

I made you, man. In fact, I can't I wasn't so much as mentioned in your diatribe. Remember me? Huh? HUH? Or, has your wanton popularity pushed all remnants of those who nurtured you out of your small little beanie mind? C'mon, think real hard...who am I....

That's right, bud. I'M THE BARRISTA. For three years I cared for you. I was your provider...no, I was your pimp. I whored you out to more groggy customers than you could count on your stubby little fingers.

You had no fingers. Scratch that.

I was so good to you. You loved it, baby. You know you did. Hot water pulsing over your grinded beans to make you drinkable, people handing me money to give them what they wanted oh-so-badly, sliding through the lips of strangers over and over again... Oh yes, don't think I've forgotten. And don't think I'll let you forget, either.

Every once in a while, I'll save a little piece of you for myself. In fact, talking about you so much has made me tingly. Grande skinny hazelnut mocha (with whip), here I come. *sigh* With whip. I love your dominating side. Bye darlin'. I know you'll be back. You owe me.

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

Dear Coffee,

You confuse me. Sometimes I love you, and sometimes I hate you. I love to see you every morning in the deli and douse you with a little cream. I can't wait to get to work because I know I will see you there. But sometimes you aren't there, and I have to ask for you. You keep me waiting. That's not nice. But then it turns out it was worth the wait because you're better than ever. I think you play with my emotions just to make me appreciate you more.

I don't drink you much at home, Coffee. Even though you tempt me with fresh-ground beans and that luscious hazelnut aroma. Sorry, but only my husband likes you like that. Although there was that one day I was in the card shop and sampled the Cafe Cinnamon. You had me hooked in the middle of the day. That never happens. I had to spend an astronomical amount of money for just 1/4 pound of you.

I guess what I'm saying is this is a love-hate relationship. I can't break away no matter how badly you hurt me. I don't want to. I can't wait to see you on Monday.

Love,

Joy

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

Coke is my true love. Go peddle it elsewhere, babe.--Al

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

Dear Coffea Arabica:

This letter is to inform you that you are in violation of Wisconsin's anti-stalking laws. Not only has our client never had a relationship with you, she has told you several times that she has no intention of ever doing so in the future.

Your repeated harassment in the form of commericals, work breaks, exclusive shops, and social dating situations, has left our client no other recourse but to file a restraining order against you.

Please be advised that you are to have no further contact with our client.

Sincerely,

Cola, Berry, and Hops Attys at Law

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

Coffee,

There you go again, trying to worm your way back into my life. We used to have such good times together, but then I realized that you were just using me. Sure, you were all happy, but what about me? You made me do all sorts of crazy things and then left me high and dry. Remember that time in Tim Hortons when Elaine and I kept winning free cups of you during roll-up-the-rim-to-win? And I drank 4 or 5 large ones? Yeah, well, it was me that drove home and was suddenly "inspired" to dye my hair and my hands were shaking so bad I flung dye all over the bathroom. I don't remember you helping me to clean it up.

I hate to break this to you, but I have moved on. I have found true love -- with your brother Decaf. Sure, he's a bit conservative, but he gives me what I need. All that full bodied aroma and none of the mind games. I'll admit it, sometimes I need a little something more. That's when I meet with Diet Coke in secret. But that's OK, your brother always takes me back. Not like you. You are just way too possessive.

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

Coffee, you know I'm weak, but why come to me now, when I've got a caffeine withdrawal headache? Baby, you and I never had a real steady relationship, we were more of a fling -- wild, passionate trysts at midnight now and then -- a Frappachino here, a mocha there... you were never my steady, like your cousin Coke.

But now it's over, Coffee. I've left you both. No more dark, caffeinated thrills. I thought Coke was my friend, but him and his cold, sweet, addictive ways were just trying to control me. I'm leaving you both. Oh, I'm sure I'll be back every once in a while, one-time shots, just to see if the flame is still there, but you're not going to control me anymore!

But I still love you.

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

Coffee,

We need to talk. What the hell is up with this soy milk thing?

You KNOW what I'm talking about. You KNOW I'm trying to stop subsidizing the satanic dairy industry. But do you care? Do you want to help me? No, coffee.

No. You don't.

After all we've been through together-- from that first adolescent cup of General Foods International Cafe Vienna to the special cold-water overnight extraction system gathering dust in the cabinet. After spending sixty bucks on two bean grinders that both broke. After a thousand lost thermal mug lids.

After all of that, you still screw me over, coffee. I add that soy milk to you, and what do you do? You curdle it, motherfucker. You turn it into little clumpy white things that sink. That soy milk is FINE till you get with it. Then you turn it into toxic sludge.

Okay. Okay! I'm buying milk again, coffee. I have no choice. You're in league with the National Dairy Council. They pay you, don't you? Don't try to deny it. God.

Like you're not a fucking millionaire already.

Carol

PS--don't leave me.

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

Oh, it's you. We meet again. Maybe you don't remember me, but I sure remember you.

You wooed me for years, with your seductive scent. You kept hanging around with my friends, and they told me again and again how perfect you were. How rich. How they were walking on air --really really fast -- every time they had an encounter with you.

But every time I accepted one of your dark kisses, it left a sour taste in my mouth.

You just wouldn't give up, would you? You were determined to have your way with me. And with the help of an old "friend" from college, you lured me into consuming a cappucino the size of a Jacuzzi tub one night. We talked and sipped after dinner, talked and sipped -- until I realized that I had gone all the way with you.

Well, where were you later that same night when I got a creepy obscene phone call and freaked out in a frenzy of caffeine-induced paranoia? I don't remember you helping when I was spinning around trying to watch windows on three sides of my apartment simultaneously. You didn't call into work for me the next morning after I stayed up all night.

No more one-night stands with you and your beanie seductions. I've found my true love. Chocolate never deserts me in my hour of need (although he frequently desserts me). Chocolate and I have an ongoing relationship; he stays right by my side. Well, right on my hips, to be exact. And believe me, he isn't going anywhere!

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

Dear friends, lovers, one-night-standers, et. al.;

Some of you seem to be a bit angry with me. You feel that I've betrayed you, or perhaps cheated you out of a bit of extra lovin'?

Well, let me just say that Coffee is a very busy lover, and Coffee needs to spread the love around to all of the mouths in the world. That's a lot of mouths, baby, so don't you be getting all greedy.

I've heard your complaints about Starbucks, Mr. Bland, and let me just say that my plan to infiltrate America mocha frap by mocha frap is going along splendidly due to the success of Starbucks. (just a little side note: originally they wanted to call it Starbuds, but I pointed out that in doing that if you re-arranged the letters it spelled out U-BASTARDS. They saw the error in their ways)

And my lovely Barrista. Don't take things the wrong way. Don't worry, baby, I'll pay you back for everything. Don't you worry. See, I got something big coming up and when that comes through I'll be able to take care of you and everyone else I owe. I just need a little help from you. Can you lend coffee $50,000? I know that sounds like a lot, but once you see what kind of amazing things I got coming through, you'll understand that it's a small price to pay for eternal happiness. Yeah, baby, I'm gonna give you eternal happiness.

For all of you lost lovers out there who feel a little lonely, may I suggest you go out to the grocery store and pick up a little Java Toffee ice cream. It's made by Starbucks and it's in your local grocery freezer section. Take one bite, baby, and you'll remember the sweet feel of my loving. That's my gift to you.

I've never stopped loving you. Even when you're a smelly, high and mighty asshole slapping me in my face and calling me a prissy baby. I still loved you then, and I love you now. You'll love me again. You ain't never getting rid of me, baby.

And I can't believe some of you went over to my (illigitmate) cousin Decaf. You can do that if you want, but I suggest you lock up your valuables. I'm not saying anything about anything, I just know that he looks safe and stuff, but I think he's got some heroin on him, that's all. I don't know anything. I'm not saying anything. Okay, here's what I'll say. Decaf... might have killed some people. That's what I heard, that's all. I heard it somewhere, I don't know any facts or anything. Maybe ten, fifteen people. Chopped 'em up, buried them underneath some Smoothie shop or something. I'm not saying anything. I'm just saying if you want to be sleeping with a drug pushing serial killer then baby, that's your trip.

If you want real lovin', you know where I'm at, baby.

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

To the tune of Smoke Gets In Your Eyes:

Theyyy
Asked me how I knew
My true love was brewed
Ooohaaaoooh

Office window blinds
Cannot seem to hide
Java deep insiiide

Theyyy
Said some day you'll find
Stains you cannot hide
Ooohaaaoooh

When your tongue's on fire
You must realize
Joe wakes you at night

Can anyone add to this? Does anyone listen to the Platters?

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

Or is the following better?

When your tongue's on fire
Joe, you realize
Keeps you up at night

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

And of course, there's the immortal "Black Coffee in Bed."

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

Oh yeah! What the fuck am I working so hard for?

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

dear mountain dew~ i have a confession to make. i said that i had only gone with coffee three times in my whole life. i have just realized that that is a complete and utter lie. oh, god. how do i tell you this when you have meant more to me than coffee ever has? how do i tell you this when i have been saying for years that i hate the taste of coffee, he has always tasted like ashes in my mouth? *to borrow from someone on here* baby, i have been having an affair with coffee ice cream for a long time. years even. i am so sorry. can you ever forgive me? can you take me back knowing i will always succumb to coffee ice creams potent attraction? please say you will. please. i miss you already. love~ ky

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

When I was 19 I got a summer office job. It was my first job that didn't involve sweating all day in the summer heat. I was suddenly in the grown-up world where every worker drone drank the coffee provided free of charge by the bossman. My love affair with coffee began and ended that summer. I still remember how my mouth would come alive with those first few sips in the morning. Ahhhh. I loved my coffee black, no sugar, no cream. The first hint of trouble in our relationship was when I realized I was having my ninth cup of the day at 4:00pm. I also began to realize that the latent soreness that I'd been experiencing in the sides of my lower back wasn't muscular in nature, it was my kidneys crying from being in constant overdrive. So I summoned the courage to call it quits. And I did. Cold turkey. I had the worst headaches for two weeks straight and felt like I was crawling though each day. I never forgot those painful days and the painful lesson.

I'm 35 now. I can't say that I don't indulge in a rare cup with dessert after an especially good gourmet dinner or that time I needed to be sharp for a meeting after pulling an all-nighter to finish a project, but otherwise I am pretty much caffeine-free. I average about a cup per year. Some occasional chocolate is my only weakness. No Coke, no Mountain Dew, no Pepsi, no tea, no coffee ice cream, not even decaf (which, by the way, contains caffeine). And I feel great about it! Friends ask how I ever get going in the morning without coffee and I tell them that the natural sugar in my morning Tropicana gives me all the kick I need. Besides, if you've been drinking a cup of coffee each morning for more than a couple of weeks, there's really no effect from the caffeine anymore unless you keep gradually increasing your intake. Caffeine is like many other addictive substances in that it takes more and more to garner the same effect. So really, my friends, it's a gradual, nasty physical and mental addiction that you've acquired. You don't even realize that you're not affected by caffeine the same as you once were. So out go you, the broken-willed ones, to the office coffee pots, the corner Starbucks, the nearby coke machine, you slaves, you worshippers of the "golden caff"-feine, slouching toward your next fix, serving and sipping your master. I say rise up and overthrow this tyrant! - dare I say, this caf-fiend!

Don't even get me started about nicotine! I'm proud to say I'm addiction free except for snack chips. Damn you to hell, Frito Lay! I love your journal, Pamie.

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

Thank you so much, coffee. You yourself have always been so good to me, even if other people don't understand you. You have made my life a much brighter place and let me have some respite from beer. You're wonderful.

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

Coffee, I thought about you all day today -- as I made each trip back and forth between my desk and the ladies room. Our little surprise encounter this morning -right at my desk no less! - left its impact on me more than I thought it would. I thought I could handle it, just a bright spot in an otherwise dull day. But no, I later realized, as much as I'm going through the motions being married to tea, you are my true love, perhaps my first love. I wake up with tea each morning, but it's you I lust after. This affair we've been having is getting out of control. Every weekend I find time for you, when I can afford the late nights; and now, I find myself sneaking away during my lunch hour, just for a little of your loving. Let me go, so I can get on with my life! Tea's been good to me, he deserves so much better than living with someone who's really pining away for you. You heartless bastard!

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

O Evil Coffee, I think we all know who you are really working for here. The temptation, the deceipt, the addiction, the lust. You are nothing but Satan's brain child seeking to entice and lure us down the path of everlasting torment. You are leading us to HELL!

It is true you are a master of your craft. We are blinded by your smooth flavor, your rich aroma, the way you make our hearts race.... the pure pleasure of the moment... and we think this is love, we think it is joy, that we have found HEAVEN!

But we have not. One day we will open our eyes and we will see you for who you are. How you sit with your dark good looks and your sinful taste and you laugh at the pleasure we take in you. But by then, it may be too late.

-- Anonymous, October 16, 1999

Hey Coffee, You know what? You are right. You rule. And why is that?? Beacause you are COFFEE! And I love coffee. Coffee is the best thing I've ever tasted. That steam. The scolding temperatures you can get to. Keep it up coffee. You make beyond millions of people happy each and every morning. Mmmmmmmmmmm mocha.

-- Anonymous, October 27, 1999

Coffee is my "other woman." Oh sure, I have a fantastic girlfriend (I am going to ask her Father this weekend for permission to marry her) and all that. But she can't give me what my lady Coffee can. Just the sight of her leaves me weak and breathless.

Uh oh. Gotta run now. The carafe is calling me...

-- Anonymous, November 05, 1999

Coffee? Are you and Barry White related, or what?

Just wondering.

-- Anonymous, November 11, 1999

Coffee I love you. From the first cup in the morning to my late afternoon gulp at work. You glide through my veins perking me up. The taste, so creamy, so dark, so inviting The smell, oh my, tempting Roasted ground instant too Irish cream or plain I love you in all your forms Except decaffinated.

-- Anonymous, January 03, 2000

Ahhh, Coffee, What I love most, is the unregulated and unexpectable mess you make of my bowls. It is lovely to spend 20% of my day in the rest room. Really. You are worth it baby. I even drink you while unloading my mind and enjoying your evacuation. I'm not crude, coffee. I'm just in love with everything about you.....

-- Anonymous, January 21, 2000

coffee, uh, hi there. remember me? i'm the one you made gag while driving to school back in '96. how come i can't like you? you seem popular enough. will we be friends when i'm old and toothless? do i have to wait that long for a relationship.

am i not good enough for you? *sob*

-- Anonymous, January 21, 2000

Dear Coffee,
I'm having an affair with your mortal enemy, Earl Grey. Peppermint has also been wooing me of late. And chicory, well, we had a fling but he was just too bland. He tasted like liquid oatmeal, so I left him. And that is what this letter is about. I'm leaving you, coffee. I'm tired of the late nights and the power you have over my life and my work. You make me nervous. You make me feel sick. Goodbye, coffee. It was good while it lasted, but I need to settle down into a normal life. Oh, and while I'm at it, I may as well tell a little home truth: you're nothing without sugar. Nothing. Sayonara, Loser.

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2000

Coffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.... how's about u & me, my place, in bed? I got coffee colord sheets *Kisses* ~^~ Mistress of Death

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2000

Coffee! You slut! You tempt people with your "Savory" smell, and then don't deliver on taste! You're lacking in the Satisfaction department. Tea is like GREAT sex! You get more than what your sences think! You can drink me plain, or add a little sugar, and please PLEASE add some cream! I like it when you cream. . . Coffee is like having sex without the orgasm, which quite frankly, is a waste of my time!!!!!

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2000

Hey Coffee, It's been awhile since we talked. I just wanted you to know, I'm saying goodbye to... you know. "The Other". Yep, my Coke-drinking days are through. I just can't keep it up anymore, coffee. I'm not a two-beverage woman. Besides, Coke might be tasty and a quick caffeine fix, but I think we all know it's not the real thing. Oh no. Not even close. That cheap harlot is getting kicked to the curb. I know you can get me through this, coffee. I trust you. You're the only thing I live for, most mornings. Help me, coffee. I believe in you. xoxo
Jan

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2000

HEY! People writing back. Writing after I wrote so long ago. I knew it. I knew you'd be back. coffee loves you! you love coffee.

You are all my bitches!

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2000

http://greenspun.com/bboard/q-and-a-fetch-msg.tcl?msg_id=001a30

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2000

~~~~~~Whew, All i did was do a search for baby coffee and behold >>>COFFEE SPEAKS<<<<<<<< well,,,,,>>Dear Coffee i love you too andd and and aaand and i can't live without you, i confess. Forgive me for all those times when i was thinking (((earky earl gray))) yuk yuky yuk yuk could replace you, you are my true love forever.<(*_*)> And only fools like me can take photos of coffee plants and build web sites and write cute little letters but only God can make a tree. Aloha, ritch

-- Anonymous, May 15, 2000