Do you get the food thing? Do you get weepy? Do you get manic? Do you clean your closets and turn into Martha Stewart for a few days? And what's up with the Doritos and the ADD, anyway?

Help me out here. I'm dying.

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

Answers

When I'm pmsing I turn into SuperC*nt. *Everything* and everyone pisses me off, and I just want to be left ALONE with my 3-liter Coke and a box of ding dongs. Unless I want something salty, and then it's sour cream and onion chips. I swear like a sailor. I think I get klutzier, because it always seems I'm stubbing my toe or banging my arm on something. I get weepy over stupid songs on the radio, and have been known to sob hysterically while listening to the Dixie Chicks' song "You Were Mine."

http://www.bitchypoo.com/bitchypoo.html

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

PMS makes me very, very weepy. Anything can make me cry. ANYTHING.

My food thing involves a spoon, a jar of peanut butter, and milk. If I am craving salty, I love Firecracker Barbeque Cape Cod chips. They are really hard to find (and believe me I will try at least 4 different stores), so if I get a really bad craving and can't find them, I usually cry about it. Because, you know, I was looking forward to them. When my husband asks me why I am crying, I will say nothing. He of course will keep asking (he hates to see me cry), until I will finally scream that the reason I am crying is because of him. I will then blame him for whatever first comes to mind, from not changing the toilet paper, to drinking all the orange juice, to he isn't attracted to me anymore. Can you say crazy? My poor, poor husband.

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

There are three simple words from the old Fifties Air Raid/Atomic Scare days that are good for males who know their mates are in PMS mode. Duck and cover. Barb gets a little whiney and a little snappish, understandable at that time. Then she apologizes or excuses, citing the PMS. She sometimes gets the maniac bursts of energy. I don't notice any ADD at all, and Lord help the male who makes any assumption about her when she's arguing something that it's "hormonal". I do notice food binges, but then, she's prone to food binge/diets at any time---she's kind of bipolar in her eating habits...so it's hard to tell. Nothing helps. She's tried aromatherapy, and other things that supposedly helps. Nada.--Al

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

I don't get the food cravings or manic episodes, but I do suffer from sore boobs. Personally, I think I *should* get manic episodes if I have to get stuck with sore boobs. It'd be like a consolation prize or something.

I do fall into nasty spirals of depression for a day or two. The only thing that helps is sleep. My hubby has learned not to reason with me in this state. Instead, he tucks me into bed. If it's too early to hit the hay, I ride the day(s) out by reading a book. Janet Evanovich did the trick last month.

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

fun fact : i know when i ovulate. i go nuts. it feels like my blood is humming in my veins, i get the whole ADD thing, and i can't_sit_still to save my life. i drive my poor co-workers crazy chattering at them, jumping up and down, bouncing in my seat, and generally destroying the sort of peaceful atmosphere conducive to work.

pms - aaahhh well that's different. it goes something like this : "oooooo chocolate. mmmmmmmmmmmm that's good. hmmm. i think i want a garlic stuffed olive... yeah! yeah! that'll be good! oh look i have ripples chips in my desk... crunch munch crunch munch .... WAIT! i could eat mint-filled chocolate! oh YES YES YES!.... hey you know, a pickle would do reallllly well right now..." and so the day goes. and of course, complete bitchiness sets in. don't even *try* to disagree with me, or say anything i could construe as being negative. i am totally irrational. just a complete freak. but if you even *dare* to say it's hormones - i'll basically roar at you and attempt to bite your head off. it's not pretty.

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

I get PMS twice a month, at both ovulation and end-of-cycle. The difference between the two is that EOC PMS makes me all weepy at absolutely anything, whereas the ovulation variety makes me manic. Both versions require large doses of alternating sweet and salty: I just devoured a pint of Haagen-Dazs pralines & cream, and now it's time to move on to the nacho chips. I guess I'm ovulating.

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

I get PMS more often than I should, really. Usually right before I get my period and then again right after. I try not to think about it too much. But then again, my period's been on the wig ever since a few months ago.

That's not the point.

Most recently (about, oh, a week ago...) I sat at the table and devoured an entire jar of claussen kosher dill pickles. A big jar. I'm not talking about those little ones. This was a two pound, economy size, jar.

Gone.

Then I moved onto the celery with cream cheese and garlic salt. Then it was Rice Krispies with LOTS of sugar. Then it was the little chocolate mint cups that are hidden in the back of the freezer. Then it was orange juice, bread, and more pickles.

Go figure. I'm a freak.

Other than that, I get all crabby and lethargic. I'm so easily depressed that it's funny. I'll start sobbing at Kodak commercials. Or those stupid "cotton, the fabric of our lives" commercials. And then I get mad at myself for being so easily influenced. It's funny.

Okay, it's funny unless you have to live with me.

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

During PMS, I get:

- Bloated (which isn't so bad, because I know it'll be gone in a week)

- Sore boobs

- Food cravings, usually for salty, greasy stuff

- I usually have one good cry, usually an overreaction to something

- I need more reassurance from my boyfriend that things are okay

- I get lazy. I was surprised to hear several people get hyper, because it's the opposite for me. All I want to do is veg in front of the TV, and I'm usually not a big TV-watcher. One way I know my PMS is over (I'm on Depo and don't bleed anymore) is that my energy level finally goes back up and I feel like being productive again.

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

Whaddayamean PMS?? I DO NOT HAVE PMS! I'm just FINE thank yew very much. Just get out of my face, leave me the hell alone, I'm trying to work here you bastard.

Ohhh..I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it.. You know I love you. I'm sorry I said those mean things and was snappish. Do you forgive me? Please..*sob sob*...here I'll share my chocoate ice cream with you.

Okay. That's enough. Get your frickin paws off my chocolate ice cream you greedy hog! It's MINE, MINE MINE! I'm going for a drive. You don't love me anyway. I'm fat. I'm ugly. My hair is dry. I'll never be in shape again.

VROOOOOMMMM...get outta my lane, you maniac! Oh fuck you! Speed up jerk, it's the skinny pedal!

Oh I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to give you the finger. I was just really in a hurry. Here, let me buy you a cheeseburger.

I feel sorry for you ladies out there with PMS. I don't know what I would do if I had to go through that.

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

at the end of my cycle, i cry at anything. it's very embarrassing, and when i finally realize why i'm so weepy, it's even more humiliating. anything sets me off. the smallest slight, the one person who didn't quite smile when i passed them on campus, whatever - i weep. copiously.

and when i'm ovulating, i'm the world's biggest bitch. i pick at and on everyone in sight.

i don't know how my roommate lives with me.

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

I used to have the boobie ache, the bitchfest and other symptoms people mentioned here. My food thing is cheapy hamburgers at Jack in the box.

I used to have terrible depression as a symptom. One time, in a really bad episode I had driven out into the middle of the Nevada desert and was ready to drive my truck off a cliff and realized that my period was due the next day and turned around and went home.

The next day, I went to a bookstore and started going through the health section on PMS and found the mention of Evening Primrose Oil. This is a botanical prostaglandin -- the stuff you find in sperm-- and if I took it the week before my period was due, I had less cramps, shorter periods and virtually none of the other symptoms. It can also be used if you're pregnant and overdue to get things started either vaginally or orally.

I also found that childbirth helped my PMS a lot, too, but I think the Evening Primrose Oil is a hell of a lot simpler. :)

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

...i eat...anything....and everything...and then i eat some more...

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

I'm lucky. Pretty much the only symptom I get is that my knees get sore (I have old injuries and I guess swelling exacerbates them.)

I can't blame PMS for my overeating. I overeat all the time.

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

Mine usually are short and to the point. Night before, severe backaches and general bitching that my SO doesn't love me or he would rub my back for six or seven hours. That isn't unreasonable, is it? 1st day, bad cramps. 2nd day, "oh yeah, it's still here." No cramping. If there's a third day, I only need a liner. If I am not working or going out anywhere, that's all I use on the other days as well. Once in a hugely great while, I become my alter-ego. If you should ever meet The She-demon Who Guards The Gates Of Hell, run to the nearest church and bet for sanctuary. It's your only hope. Ask my SO, He'll tell you. But that'sw not very often. (And I bring him home flowers afterward, so it's ok, right? *LOL*)

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

I feel like I am treading in dangerous waters telling you ladies this joke (since I'm a member of the male species.)

"Do you know why it takes four women on PMS to screw in a lightbulb?

IT JUST DOES, DAMMIT!"

Now ladies, I was just kidding. Don't get mad. What are you doing with that knife? You're going to cut off my what?! No, ladies! Forgive me! No! No! Aaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!

-- Anonymous, October 15, 1999

Lemme tell you folks, I've come as close as any male ever has to having a period these past few months. Due to a long complicated pile of medical crap I've been leaking various fluids out of a hole 2 1/2 inches to the right of my belly button. I've had to change a bandage covering that between 2 and 8 times a day for many months now. And until the beginning of this month I was taking prednizone, which helped emulate the mood swings of hormonality. I think I worked up some reasonable cramp facsimiles, too. So if you're looking for some male empathy, you've got it. As long as I get some back.

-- Anonymous, October 16, 1999

I clean. Everything. And I also have a tantrum and must, must eat something wretched, like a McDonalds fish sandwich. Though, my first choice would be those disgusting pressed pork meat things they use to carry, the McRib.

-- Anonymous, October 18, 1999