It gets pretty crazy around here. What is it like where you live?

-- Anonymous, December 01, 1999

Answers

Every year at Christmas time, my husband turns in to an annoying ten year old child. Starting the day after Thanksgiving, he starts asking, "Did you get me anything today?". I have to keep all of his presents at friends houses because he will open up anything he finds. Most of his fun at Christmas comes from the joy of the hunt. His family, having been around him longer than me, thinks this is funny and cute. I want to kill him. I have hidden presents in the best places. But he still finds them. And the worst thing about it is he doesn't tell me he has found them until Christmas when he is opening them and then he looks at me smugly and says, "this is the shirt you had hanging inside your black wool jacket, yeah, I saw this in November". He sucks so bad. So I guess my house sounds something like this.

"Steve? Why is the suitcase down from the closet? NO you did not need it."

"Why are all of the towels down from the cabinet? There is nothing back there. I told you dammit, I am not buying you anything until Christmas Eve."

"Have you been in my purse? Where is my target receipt? No that is not for a game. No, you can not have it. It isn't here. Well I guess I will just give it to my brother."

"Steve! Where are my car keys? Why are they in your pocket? Have you been in the trunk? I swear I will take everything back. I will know if you have been in there. I rigged it. You will get nothing from me."

-- Anonymous, December 01, 1999

Kid: Mom I want------. Boyfriend: I like ----, hint hint. Music: Trans Siberian Orchestra (cool)

-- Anonymous, December 01, 1999

Well, since we moved into a new place, and we have new phone service which is costing us more (DSL) and Jake got a new computer that we make payments on, we have all sorts of NEW places that our money is going. Christmas around my house sounds like:

"Good thing we're NOT friends with those people anymore. We can't afford to buy them gifts."

Ah the bright side of no longer being friends with 10 people.

Of course there's always the:
"WHOO! I want THAT!"
"Maybe for Christmas."

-- Anonymous, December 01, 1999

Me: Honey, can you please get the boxes of Christmas decorations out of the crawlspace for me so I can start putting things up? Hubby: Yeah. Remind me to do that tonight. Me: Honey, can you please get the boxes of Christmas decorations out of the crawlspace for me so I can start putting things up? Hubby: Yeah. Remind me to do that tonight. Me: Honey, can you please get the boxes of Christmas decorations out of the crawlspace for me so I can start putting things up? Hubby: Yeah. Remind me to do that tonight. Me: {grunt, wheeze, lift, drop}{grunt, wheeze, lift, drop}{grunt, pull, grunt, pull}Shit! Honey can you please come here and help me get the box for the tree out of here. Hubby: I told you I was going to do that! Me: Ugh--Thanks. Where do you want to start? Hubby: Start what? Me: Decorating. Should we start with the tree? Hubby: You're gonna do that now? Me: Well, yeah. Hubby: Honey, there's a game on now. I'll help you later.

Hubby: Wow! Everything looks great! You should have let me help you. Me: {rolling my eyes}

{rustle, rustle, tinkle, rustle--silence} Me: Honey... have you seen Rufus? Hubby: Nope. Me: Uh... the tree's shaking {rustle, rustle, tinkle, plink--ping, ping, ping CRASH} Me: Found him. He's in the tree again. And we have one less ornament.

Me: Honey... why are the lights on the bottom out on the bottom of the tree. They were working earlier... Hubby: Looks like the wires have been chewed. Me: Where's Rufus?

Me: Rufus has been terrorizing the tree skirt again...and I had just straightened it, too.

Me: RUFUS! STOP EATING THE TREE! DAMMIT, DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE! GET AWAY, GET AWAY, GET AWAY! Me: I can't wait to take that tree down and put it away. Hubby: You're gonna take Rufus's toy away??

Me: Here's your gift... sorry about the bow. We have a cat.

-- Anonymous, December 01, 1999

Music: The Bobs Christmas album. A Very Special Christmas. Chicago XXV. Best of Christmas, but not the hokey modern stuff: gregorian chants, boys choirs, brass choirs.

-- Anonymous, December 01, 1999

Me: Honey, can you please get the boxes of Christmas decorations out of the crawlspace for me so I can start putting things up? Hubby: Yeah, remind me to do that tonight. Me: Honey, can you please get the boxes of Christmas decorations out of the crawlspace for me so I can start putting things up? Hubby: Yeah. Remind me to do that tonight. Me: Honey, can you please get the boxes of Christmas decorations out of the crawlspace for me so I can start putting things up? Hubby: Yeah. Remind me to do that tonight. Me: {grunt, wheeze, lift, drop}{grunt, wheeze, lift, drop}{grunt, pull, grunt, pull}Shit! Honey can you please come here and help me get the box for the tree out of here. Hubby: I told you I was going to do that! Me: Ugh--Thanks. Where do you want to start? Hubby: Start what? Me: Decorating. Should we start with the tree? Hubby: You're gonna do that now? Me: Well, yeah. Hubby: Honey, there's a game on now. I'll help you later.

Hubby: Wow! Everything looks great! You should have let me help you. Me: {rolling my eyes}

{rustle, rustle, tinkle, rustle--silence} Me: Honey... have you seen Rufus? Hubby: Nope. Me: Uh... the tree's shaking {rustle, rustle, tinkle, plink--ping, ping, ping CRASH} Me: Found him. He's in the tree again. And we have one less ornament.

Me: Honey... why are the lights on the bottom out on the bottom of the tree. They were working earlier... Hubby: Looks like the wires have been chewed. Me: Where's Rufus?

Me: Rufus has been terrorizing the tree skirt again...and I had just straightened it, too.

Me: RUFUS! STOP EATING THE TREE! DAMMIT, DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE! GET AWAY, GET AWAY, GET AWAY! Me: I can't wait to take that tree down and put it away. Hubby: You're gonna take Rufus's toy away??

Me: Here's your gift... sorry about the bow. We have a cat.

-- Anonymous, December 01, 1999

Things said by me at this most joyous time of year:

"Squeaky, what have you got in your mouth?"

"Bill, those lights are blinking again!"

"Squeaky, get out of the tree."

"Mom, we spend Christmas Eve with you guys and Christmas Day with Bill's family. This is not something new--we do this EVERY year!"

"Squeaky, please don't eat Baby Jesus!"

Joy, I agree, the Trans Siberian Orchestra is very cool. Also, the Charlie Brown Christmas special soundtrack is fun to listen to. Of course, it wouldn't be Christmas without watching, "A Christmas Story" and "It's a Wonderful Life" a zillion times while wrapping presents.

-- Anonymous, December 01, 1999

When we drive around looking at lights, the conversation usually goes something like this:

ME: Ooh, that one's pretty. Look at their bushes...let's do our lights like that!

HIM: But our bushes are only 6 inches tall. I could just lay the lights flat on the ground and they would look the same.

ME: Yeah, good point. Maybe they'll grow by next Christmas.

HIM: Hey, that house looks good!

ME: The one with the different colored strands of lights all connected together, hanging at weird angles, blinking at weird intervals?

HIM: Yeah.

ME: Honey...that's horrible. They're icicle lights are blue! And I'm not even going to ask what those green glowing things are supposed to be.

HIM: I'm just saying I appreciate their effort. Any lights are pretty to me.

ME: That's because you're color blind, baby. There's a nice one coming up around the corner!

HIM: Yeah, they did a good job on...wait a minute, is that a plastic light-up Santa?

ME: Oh, yeah, now I see him. Yikes. What are those things laying beside him?

HIM: The giant plastic candles?

ME: No, the animal things.

HIM: I think they're light-up donkeys.

ME: Christmas asses?

HIM: I guess.

ME: Gawd. You wanna go home now?

HIM: Yeah, we can still catch tonight's James Bond movie!

My husband tells me every day something new he wants. He knows I'm getting him Resident Evil 3, and keeps trying to give me reasons why he should go ahead and have it now. We have a cat this Christmas that we didn't have last year, and we live in fear of her destroying the tree, so we are practicing saying, "Maggie! Get DOWN!". Also, my dog-in-law is staying with us for 2 weeks, and he's not the most housebroken animal I've ever seen. I'm praying he doesn't piss on the tree. Our other cat destroys bows too, Kelli. I always hand over gifts and say, "The bow has been personalized just for you by Lucy."

Merry December 1st, everyone!

-- Anonymous, December 01, 1999

"Honey, what do you want for Christmas?"

"I don't know."

"Come on, you do this every year -- there must be something you want."

"I don't know."

"I have to shop for you, my parents have to shop for you -- WHAT DO YOU WANT."

"I don't know. I could use some new socks."

"NO ONE wants to give you socks for Christmas! WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"I don't ... "

Repeat until the Christmas shopper turns blue and faints from frustration. Then the house is silent until we hear the cat merrily shredding all the wrapping paper off the packages under the tree.

-- Anonymous, December 01, 1999

Oh, and I also always buy eggnog, only to find it morphing into something horrible way in the back of the fridge on Valentine's Day. Well, maybe not THAT long, but close. I have discovered that adding generous amounts of Captain Morgan's Rum to eggnog will practically guarantee no leftovers!

I almost forgot about the phrases most often heard from me in our house at Chrsitmas: "Baby...you know how I said we had plenty of ornaments and decorations, and wouldn't need anymore? Well, I saw these (crinkle of bag as I drag out new Christmas thingie) today ON SALE and just couldn't resist. Isn't it the sweetest? Are you mad? Are you hungry? Because I could fix you something, honey, if you are. Baby."

CVS (and probably some other stores too) are selling stuffed animal versions of the characters from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, and they rule! The Abominable Snowman, and the Elf who wanted to be a dentist, look exactly like the tv version. So cute! Also, I would like to recommend The Iron Giant to everyone who likes good movies, and if you buy it, you get a bonus Iron Giant action figure! It's the best!

-- Anonymous, December 01, 1999

Me: Honey, when your Mother calls to ask what we want for Christmas, please tell her that I don't need any clothes, ok?

Him: Why? Don't you like what she bought for you last year?

(Pause)

Me: Have you seen me wear the off-white mock turtle neck, green cardigan with brown owls and brown corduroys all of which are two sizes too large for me?

Him: I'll tell her when she calls.

(repeat every year)

-- Anonymous, December 01, 1999

Me: Carmen! Get down! Honey, get her out of the tree, please! Mokey, stop eating the wrapping paper! If you keep chewing on the light cords, you'll get electrocuted. JoJo! Stop chasing Snoball! *CRASH*THUD* Oh god! Is she hurt? Damn, Carmen, I said stay out of the tree! Hubbie: This isn't one of those ornaments you've had since you were a kid, is it? Me: Damn, yes, it was. Did you pick up all the pieces? Carmen! You just fell out of the tree! Now get down!

This year we're putting the tree in a playpen so even if the cats get in it, they can't bring it down.

-- Anonymous, December 02, 1999

Like every day: "Mrrrrrowwww......thud. Mrrrrrrrowwww.....thud." I have never actually witnessed this noise being made by the cats, but my roommate hears it and, if guests are over and they make that "What's that noise" face, he says:

"Paratrooping."

-- Anonymous, December 02, 1999

It's a little like Cathy's answer...

Relative or friend: "What do you want for christmas this year?" Me: "World peace and a grenade launcher. RoF: "Such a card. What do you want?" Me: (foaming at the mouth) "I don't want anything. Nothing! I hate Christmas and everything about it. I hate the cheesy-ass decorations. I hate shopping for people I love who already _have_ all the useless crap they need, and worrying that whatever I get is too cheap or too expensive, or sends the wrong message. I hate the tooth-rotting music in the malls, and the christmas shoppers, who exude the festive conviviality of a chain gang. I hate the forced cheer. And if I have to see one more generically cheerful "happy holidays" tv commercial featuring innocent children and paid for by some sweatshop-owning, earth-raping, soulless pack of corporate scum, I'm gonna buy me an Uzi and-" RoF (wishing they'd just sent me some socks) Okay, okay! I've heard it before! (They have, too. And they usually send me a little money, if they're relatives, or give me nothing at all or something very small like a paperback, if they're friends. And I thank them and wish everyone a happy solstice in a restrained and polite manner.)

-- Anonymous, December 02, 1999

I left the cheesy "Country Christmas" at my mom's house, but sometimes late at night, you can hear faint strains of "The Beach Boys Christmas Album" wafting from behind my closed bedroom door.

Other Christmas sounds-

"We-e-eee Three Kings of Orient are...." "Brianna, that is the forty third time you've sung that tonight. Can you PLEASE give me FIVE MINUTES of PEACE?!" "Hey, I'm trying to learn the harmony."

"God damn it, I hate f---ing sewing. Why, WHY did I want authentic 1880s costumes for caroling? Why? Do you realise they used to sew all this shit by HAND?"

"Um, is there any liquor in that eggnog? Well then why the hell is it in my refrigerator?"

"Josh, Fitz seems to be acting a little funny...hey, where's my candy cane?"

Notice I start swearing like a truck driver around this time of year. I can't help it. It happens magically, like everything else.

-- Anonymous, December 02, 1999

Usually the sound of frustrated crying, chocolate wrappers and my grandad talking in an unnecessarily loud voice.

-- Anonymous, December 04, 1999

Merry f-ing Christmas and my fiance` lost his job... let me tell you how the sure spread some holiday cheer through our house...

"I've gotta go christmas shopping." "How? We don't have any money!" "Can you say 'Discover card'??"

"What are we getting my mom for christmas?" "A Cordless phone.." "Isn't that expensive" "so what... we have the discover card." "oh yea!"

"Bad news.." "wassat?" "your mom called..." "and?" "she bought herself a cordless phone" "damn." "that's what I said." "that's ok.. my news is worse.." "uh-oh... what is it?" "the discover bill came."

-- Anonymous, December 13, 1999

"Chalk it up." -- a little verbal tradition started by me quite by accident last year. To chalk something up means to put it at the top of your wish list, that it's something you really, really want. Ex) I'm not sure if I want the LFO CD, but the Ricky Martin CD--chalk it up!" Also, a frequently asked question, "When are we gonna put the Christmas tree up?" And, naturally, the frustrated sounds I make while trying to search for gifts from my mom to my sister and gifts from my sister to my mom on-line. Why can't we just find everything at the real mall? 'Tis better to give than to receive and etc...why must I spend four hours looking for the best bargain on a Red perfume gift set when we could just walk into a department store, pick one up, pay for it, and have the whole business done in twenty minutes or less? With, I might add, no shipping charges or worries that it won't arrive in time. Oh, and did I mention, one sound heard a lot at my house is my complaining? JK

-- Anonymous, December 13, 1999

usually like gene autry's christmas cd and my mom swearing "you commie bastard! no no no!!!!! work dammit! i dont have time for this! i knew it, i should have started weeks ago." me.. "mom, no its okay! really, look here, i'll do it by hand. no no! it'll be fine, really" "damn pies! dont separate you little bastard!"

and thats just the cookie bake-off a few weeks before christmas, christmas eve and day are totally worse. those are the days of... "are you going to vacuum or do i have to do it?" "no.. mom.. uh! really! no! i'll do it! i just want to watch this thing first, its really good." "no, i'll just do it myself" "fine! be that way! see if i care! no! lucky! get your ass away from the cookies! you little! no no noooo!!"

ahh.. the pure joy of it

-- Anonymous, December 15, 1999