STM- looking for love, Pounce.

I enjoy much more than an afternoon Futon nap. If you are Female, Grey, and enjoy leaving puke packets for my nibbling pleasure, then leave me a call. Serious applicants only. Please, no skinnies, catnip addicts, or bug eaters.

Perhaps if you are looking for love and companionship you could leave your personal ad here. Many animals read zee pages of Squishy and perhaps your perfect mate is out zere somewhere. Good luck and may love find you for zee holidays.

-- Anonymous, December 14, 1999

Answers

ECS (Experienced Cocker Spaniel), old, flatulent and grumpy, seeks loving companion of the Purina-Purchasing variety. My hobbies include biting the hand that leashes me, eating cat vomit, and wiggling around your feet and barking loudly every time you make physical contact with your spouse.

My talents include selective Companion Animal skills, which I only use at my discretion, and jumping up on the coffee table, sliding down the length of it, coming to a stop directly in front of you, and then belching very loudly. Did I mention that I am exceedingly stinky?

Please e-mail me at Maggie@sperare.com for more details. Picture preferred.

-- Anonymous, December 14, 1999

5 year old NMF (neurotic male feline) seeks a companion who will not touch me, love me, or even look at me. I am neutred and recently vaccinated. I dislike affection, children, adults, and particularly maintenance men. I enjoy looking nervous, staring at things that aren't there, and vomitting. Help me please!

-- Anonymous, December 14, 1999

Divorced female housecat, grey, petite, seeks fellow screamer to help secure the constant attention of my petting/feeding slave units. I have the loudest voice in the world, but i need someone to sing backup. If we put our voices together, we can scream, yarp, whine and grunt our way to anything we want. No one can resist cat harmony! Except the male unit, but he appears to be a bit deaf.

- the Chamble

-- Anonymous, December 14, 1999

Le Chat Noir - 2.5 years - young but experienced.

I seek a smaller companion to be my buddy and bitch. I like yowling at the top of my lungs, begging for food and drooling.

You are compliant but playful. Loud but not too loud. You know your place in the pecking order.

No freaks, geeks or claws.

-- Anonymous, December 14, 1999

SCF (Single Crabby Female) seeks accommodating home. Must have comfortable nests next to every heat vent. I am an elegant creature in a black tuxedo, and as long as you don't touch me or mess up my fur we'll get on fine. Couples excellent; I enjoy a warm sleeping place between two bodies. Just don't touch me. Other cats a no-no. Fine woodwork for claw-sharpening a plus.

-- Anonymous, December 14, 1999

Single male corn snake seeks mate for frenzied sexual encounter. Inexperienced, but eager to please. Does not want to die a virgin. Will continue to rub head raw on the top of the cage if partner does not arrive soon.

-- Anonymous, December 14, 1999

BBF (Big Beautiful Feline)

Fun-loving, energetic, plus-size kitty enjoys yelling at and biting white towels. I can be found often with my paw under the bathroom door if I know a person is inside. My idea of the perfect day is purring, licking Lisa's nose to wake her up, eating, carrying my toys in my mouth up and down the stairs, eating, purring, sleeping, eating, playing, eating and purring. My perfect mate would be declawed and not afraid of vaccuum cleaners. Frequent bathers only please. I love to run real fast with my ears back and a wild look in my eye for no reason. Sound good? Call me!

Maggie Ecton

-- Anonymous, December 14, 1999

YCK - young, curious kitten seeking one of same to sniff, chase, and otherwise hang out with. My slightly neurotic owner has "issues" with cutting off bits of me to make me easier to live with, so I am not declawed or neutered. I will continue humping shoes until she finds a vet that performs feline vasectomies.

I like bags and the lids off the milk cartons. My favourite game is "Forts" but I like Hide and Seek just as much. I am an obsessive- compulsive fur cleaner and am mortally afraid of the flea spray bottle.

I am personally responsible for $300 of damage to computer and telephone equipment, and am waiting for them to engrave my trophy so I can display it next to my litter box.

I am an only cat, so I frequently attempt to talk to my owners. When that doesn't work, I butt my head against their ankles until they walk where I want them to. My favourite chair is the one you're sitting in, and I love to be scratched under the chin.

-- Anonymous, December 14, 1999

SGNDM - (Single, Grey, Nuetered, Divorced, Male) seeks a fuzzy female for my humping pleasure. My name is MacKenzie - I'm looking for the Yin for my Yang. Although my goodies were removed more than two years ago I am still a raging love-machine.

Me: baker by trade (kneading dough is my specialty), human chin and ear chewer, happy drooler, meow-mix puker, toilet-flush watcher.

You: pre-dawn riser for warbling session outside human's bedroom door, fast runner for 11:00pm romp through house (hard head for hitting wall a must).

Call me babe. Leave a message. If I don't answer I may have, once again, trapped myself in my human's bathroom

-- Anonymous, December 14, 1999

pamie, i don't have time for a creative pet personal, but i just wanted you to know that taylor looks like a twin to my rabbit (she's a cat, we just call her rabbit.. long story) what kind of cat is it, anyways? (i rescued a stray, i know nothing about cats) -julia

-- Anonymous, December 14, 1999

STF (spayed tabby female), comfortably middle-aged, seeks experienced catnip mouse. Must not mind being drooled on.

-- Anonymous, December 14, 1999

STM (single tabby male)- brown and black mix, interested in ad requesting a hard head. Love to trap myself in bathroom. This ad has taken five minutes to write as I must continually run from living room to bedroom to living room to bedroom stopping periodically but not methoidically in office.

Will allow you to pet as long as you don't mind my teething on your fingers. Does not like table scraps but will eat pretzels.

Likes salt and will lick any sweat anywhere.

Don't sleep naked if you don't like my licking.

Cal

Bonjour, Julia.

It iz me, Taylor. I am a lovely tabby cat. Can you not tell by my wonderful physique? I am trying for a spot on Sesame Street currenly, because pamie is obsessed with the fact that I have thirteen perfect triangles on my body. On my face, my arms, my nose, my tail and my back. I am symmetrcial and wonderful.

Love,

Taylor

-- Anonymous, December 14, 1999

FLS(Feisty Little Shit)looking for love and attention during the hours of 9am to 5pm

Gorgeous boxer pup need a warm body and loving paws to attend to me during work hours (You need to return me before 5 pm during the week and weekends are not available, I have another woman in my life who is a delicious snuggler who would miss me greatly. Besides, she can reach my food).

I enjoy tugging, pulling, and biting on my leash, turning over the trash, and chewing yummy worn panties. I love to run around outside for hours, only stopping to run inside because, you know, everyone has to pee.

I am very smart and have mastered several commands. When I hear the word "No" I will pick up whatever it is I am not suppose to have and make you chase me, isn't that the most fun? If you do happen to catch me and take it away, I will hump you like there is no tomorrow. I have to show my dominance, okay?

Oliver

-- Anonymous, December 14, 1999

fcbf - frisky chocolate-brown feline

i am a beautiful, 4 1/2 years young, 'monkey-face-grrrl' (as my human companion so affectionately calls me) looking for a strong, neutered, male feline companion that can handle my feisty personality.

the particulars: sleek, muscular body, the softest chocolate-brown fur, sinful green eyes, strong white teeth, love to purr and i'm playful - 24/7.

i enjoy poking my human companions face at the wee hours of the morning to let her know i'm hungry. I'm addicted to any kind of cat treat - pounce, bonkers - you name it. But my real weakness is human junk food - fries, chips, that cheese covered popcorn - yummmmmm. i can keep myself entertained for hours - i like to scoop some iams hard food out of my bowl and watch it scatter on the hard floor and then chase the little buggars before the hide under the stove - never to come out again. i also enjoy taking mouthfuls of my iams hard food and dropping them into their own little piles all over my human companions apartment - i like to hear her giggle when she comes home from work and sees them.

but my favorite thing to do to my human companion is to stick my 'white hiney-hole' in her face when she's watching tv - but even better is when i sit on her face just as she's waking in the morning.

so if any of you frisky male felines are up for fun - 24/7 - give me a purrrrrrrr

-- Anonymous, December 14, 1999

CHANCE ENCOUNTER: FFF (frisky female feline) ISO a squirrel to chew on and knock under the couch. Me: portly but formally dressed (black-and-white tuxedo), no tail, maniacal expression. You: obese but cute, fluffy tail, really loud voice. We met under the bird feeder in the front yard -- You ran up a tree and swore at me when I tried to get your number. Come back down here on the ground, and let's make a love connection.

-- Anonymous, December 14, 1999

Macho tom cat seeks one night stands. I do not want a LTR. I was born a stray and I'll always be a stray at heart. I've been around the block (literally) more than once, baby, I can prove that by the magnificent scar on my right ear. I meowed like Elvis for two weeks from that one. I need someone to cuddle up to but if you touch me I will poke you in the cornea with my back foot. Bring your own litter box. Send double flavored Pounces for consideration.

-- Anonymous, December 14, 1999

Fffft!

Love... Pheh! Love is for losers. I am queen of my domain. That spot on the squishy pillow on the couch: mine. That little red dot on the floor: mine. That extra helping of pasturized pre-processed cheese food product: mine.

Enter my realm and you shall be shredded. Sit outside my window and I will snot up the glass while trying to dig my way out to maim you. Look! I pull down the curtains in my wrath! Fear my strength!

The only lap in this household belongs to me. ME! The ankles are mine alone to puncture. Only my exquisite hairballs will go in the boots.

Come unto me at your own risk. However, if you come bearing catnip and tinfoil I may let you live for a brief time. Submit. I command it!

Tithes of warm cozy places and nummy yummy phone bills may be set to me in care of she's actual size

-- Anonymous, December 14, 1999

VNH - Very Nervous Hamster, 1 year old, my name is Flea. Looking for sunflower seeds and a clear plastic ball to run around in. Hobbies: eating, sleeping, Looking Very Startled. Would NOT like to meet any of the cats who posted here - they'd probably just think I was an eggroll covered in fur.

-- flea

-- Anonymous, December 15, 1999

Wanted: Partner in Crime.

Crime: Tearing the Big Green Toy apart.

I love the attention I get when I attack the big toy. Hee Hee! The Food Lady and Play Guy jump up and clap their hands. Then they run after me! Whee! Does any one want to join me? I'm sure we could make a great team. You hit one toy, I'll take another. We could bat them around the hardwood floors before they slam in to the brick wall and break. Yes! Score one for the kitty!

P.S. Taylor, I hear you enjoy your big green toy, as well. Thanks for the heads up about the green rope that protects the toy. I'll be sure to avoid it when knocking all the shiny toys off the big green toy.

Love your columns! Squeaky aka The Squeakmiester General, Nerd, Monkey, and Loverboy

-- Anonymous, December 15, 1999

SBF (Single Black Feline) ISO another human for play and occasionally gnawing. We had one, but my mom forgot him at the old place when we moved.

Me: Black, furry, talkative. Interests include rattling the blinds at 7 am on Saturdays, doing the mad dash from one end of the house to the other, ankle-biting, sleeping in odd places like computer keyboards.

You: Home during the day (a must), stationary with occasional bouts of wrestling. Must be willing to hold me still until I yowl.

Ability to do neat tricks with 2-liter caps a plus.

If interested, contact the human here.

-- Anonymous, December 15, 1999

My dears, you have found me and I am yours. From my humble days on the streets of T-town to my current Senate Campaign, I have longed for partnership in the form of a fat cat worthy of my constant judgement and disdain. You may read more and fall in love with a short visit to my lair.

Prepare yourself for my intense beauty and write if you like lard and ketchup sandwhiches, for then I will know we were meant to be.

-- Anonymous, December 15, 1999

WBF (Wee Baby Ferret) Seeking human playpen. Must enjoy needle-sharp claws digging into your shoulder. I will also require a tender body part on which to soothe my baby teeth; I prefer ears.

Clacking keyboards a plus, no meanies.

Max.

p.s. you can see a picture of me at: The Clockworks

-- Anonymous, December 15, 1999

HAMMP (Hyper-active Male Min Pin) ISO daily activities playmate. Let me tell you a little about myself. I'm a little over a year old, about 1'2" (the vet old me I'm the largest Min Pin he's ever seen - impressive, no?) I have short, red hair, I'm muscular, and I work out everyday.

My hobbies include putting nose smears on every window I can possibly reach, chewing up shoes that are so new, they're still in the box, clawing my way through my owner's door at 2 a.m., long runs through big fields, licking leaves, and laying the smack down on a particular basketball in the back yard.

I'm very energetic, and I love car rides. If you're interested, I could arrange a little dinner at my pad...I'm willing to share my food bowl. I'm afraid that the only thing I could make for dinner would be a little bit of chicken ProPlan. It is delightful, I assure you.

Age and weight is not important. I prefer the smaller breeds to the larger types. You must be willing to hand over your butt for long, slow, senuous smellings frequently throughout our time together.

I'm waiting for you, love...

-- Anonymous, December 15, 1999

PLT (Perverted Little Tabby) desperately seeking his fuzzy blanky so he can make wild passionate love to it till chafed and raw. Enjoyed fervid relationship with blanky till latter was kidnapped by Evil Humans and placed in inaccessible position. Any pointers to location or assistance in rescue would be wildly appreciated. As long as blanky still missing, PLT will continue to satisfy urges by staring fixedly at Evil Humans while they are engaged in intimate acts.

-- Anonymous, December 15, 1999

"Rub my Tummy!" ABC Kitty (Affectionate But Crazy) seeking new Human Rent-payer and Food-buyer. Present HRP-FB simply not up to snuff as she doesn't understand that mosquito netting is MEANT for ripping holes in. She's always yelling about how now she can't sleep because now there's so many of them get in, why doesn't she just grow some gorgeous fur like mine? It keeps them off really well. Also she doesn't understand that mosquito netting is for bouncing off of when you take a flying leap from the nighstand, even if it does knock a few things off it, besides, she shouldn't leave things there when she just KNOWS I need it for a launch pad.

You'll find that I am really useful! I tell you when it's raining by repeatedly running in and out of my cat door and jumping up on you when you're asleep and getting your covers all wet and muddy. Plus I'm better than a snooze alarm. I come in and meow to tell you when it's 5:30, 6:00, 6:30, 7:00, and so then you're not late for work!

I only bite sometimes, and that's only because your hand, foot, (name random extremity) looks so much like a big, peach spider. And speaking of spiders, the thing I'm best at, and you'll really love this, is catching mice, lizards, birds, large waterbugs and those big handsize running spiders we have here in Taiwan and bring them LIVE to your bed in the middle of the night so you can admire what a smart and agile (and don't forget handsome!) cat I am!

Can I add that I'm fluent at ignoring both English and Chinese? But I do understand "Kitty Treat!" in any language!

-- Anonymous, December 16, 1999

Oh hi. You caught me napping. My name is Maxwell The Cat but I answer to Buddhahead, Fat Boy, Two Tons of Fun, and Dinnertime. Actually, you don't have to call me, just head towards the kitchen and I will burst into a flurry of activity. Well, no. I'll get up and walk a little faster than normal in hopes that you and I will be in the kitchen at the same time and that you will use your opposable thumbs to feed me. I'm a great big fuzzy tuxedo-wearing cat and I'd like nothing better than a relationship with a bottomless bowl of Deli Cat kibble. Actually, my bowl can runneth over, but if you touch it and shake it and aerate it and then put it back down on the floor, I will be satisfied that it is all new kibble and I will be ecstatic. I eat sitting down. I weigh 25 pounds. During the summer I get shaved and I look like a fluffy-tailed miniature gorilla stuffed into a grey velour track suit. It's embarrassing (for my owners, not me--I even patiently endure the occasional Christmas Sweaters and Halloween costumes). When you pick me up, I imitate The Hanging Cat (http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/cattarot.html). Except I'm bigger. When people come to the door, I am the butler and I look quite distinguished in my tuxedo. I always say hello. (The humans never tire of their puerile amusements, one of which is What Does The Kitty Say. Itgoes like this: they say, "What does the kitty say?" Then I say, "Meow." Then they all laugh and say, "What does the kitty say?" And I say, "Meow. Are you deaf?" Such hilarity. I am quite the card.) Once I say hello, meyow, then I get back to my busy schedule of sleeping, eating, pooping and scratching my scratching post. I never climb on counters or tables. I never eat plants, oh mew, never. I am not picky about my food. I pee and poo where I am supposed to. I rarely claw the carpeting. I like being held and petted. I am calm and enjoy meeting new people and have often been the center of attention at boisterous parties. Meow.

But I must confess... I have one major flaw. I am a medium-hair cat and I am fat and I am not particularly bothered by the occasional klingon on my less attractive end. I like to sit on the people sofas and people chairs and my day is made if I am allowed to sit on the people beds. I have my own 'flat friend', which is a giant black and white cat-shaped pillow that looks like me, and I sit on him, and I bring him bits of kibble and I groom him, but it isn't as good as where the people get to sit. I would love to be able to sit on something that isn't a towel. My humans would love to have furniture that doesn't have towels (soon to be smelly) on top of it. I also shed and have kitty back dandruff. Miaow, miaow. The shame. The heartbreak of psoriasis. Oh, meow. I could cry, truly.

Despite my minor flaws, I am a good boy and I don't make too much of a fuss or cause too much trouble. I am very talkative and friendly. Meow, miaouwoo, me-yow, miaou, mew mew. My purr can be heard at ten paces. What is not to love? If you are a single and available Bottomless Bowl of Deli at Kibble, write me soon. Maybe we can work something out. I love you already. Miaow.

-- Anonymous, February 10, 2000

SSFC (Sultry, silver, femail cat)seeks NCMC (Nice coated male cat) for romantic snuggles. Must be intellegent; I don't like stupidity. Must also apreciate talent as I'm polydactyl and can hold a pencil and select food bits to eat out of my paw. Must not want kittens. They are useless and annoying.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

RE: My search has been in vain. "I'd like nothing better than a relationship with a bottomless bowl of Deli Cat kibble," I said. Feh. Was taken to the Bad Place and told I was fat. (I am not fat, I'm fluffy! Robust! Healthy! Non-emaciated! Anorexia-challenged! That's not bad, right?)

Feh. I must now eat 1/2 cup of high-fiber, tasteless, nasty yellow pellets in the morning and 1/2 cup MORE in the evening and I am STARVING people! GAWD! This is so unfair. Sure, they throw a few Deli Cat kibbles in there, but I know it isn't to please me or even because the vet said that I'd acclimate better if we weaned me slowly onto the high-fiber stuff. No, my people are CHEAP. They had a brand-new 15-pound thing of food and damn if I'm not going to eat it all. It just makes me want a big bottomless bowl all for myself, that's what it does. I pick out the Deli Cat, and then fling the fiberous crap around the kitchen and wail all day.

THough I have lost 3 pounds, it is NOT due to this diet. I am PINING. So there. I am on the brink of starvation! My belly doesn't even reach the floor! They are so cruel.

I'm going to run away, but I suppose making the plans can wait until after I pick all the remaining Deli Cat kibble out of my bowl. Then maybe a nap. Then they'll be sorry, but I am so out of here. I'll live downstairs.

Outside? Are you mad? There's weather and dogs out there!

No, I'll just lie around, languishing and whingeing and acting weak and miserable...I mean BEING weak and miserable. Yeah. Then they'll take away this cardboard CRAP and bring back the REAL stuff, the GOOD stuff.

I have a plan, I tell you.

In the meantime, my love remains unrequited. *pine, sigh, weep*

-- Anonymous, April 24, 2000