Dear Y2K:

Me and my friends wanted to send you a few letters so that you could give us some answers. We have quite a few questions, concerns and rumors, and it would really help us out if you would take a few minutes to answer them.

Thanks.

Love,

Pamie and the loyal readers of Squishy

-- Anonymous, December 28, 1999

Answers

Dear Y2K,

As a working member of the IT industry, I must thank you for the work you have generated. With all of the updates and patches to be implemented, I have been EXTREMELY busy.

However, if I NEVER hear your name again it will be too soon. If I see one more advertisement using a derivative of your name (example: Y2K=Yes to KIA!), or if I see one more psychic hotline commercial telling us how you are bringing them special abilities and that we should tap into your power, I will be forced to hunt you down and kill you like the dirty millenium you are.

Please don't turn my electricity off, or shut down my water. Please leave my phones on.

As for the IRS, please crash every peice of equipment they own in a 500 mile radius!!!!!!!

Thank you!

P.S.-Could you mention to the militia's, terrorists, and cult members of the world that you are not the end of us as to avoid any weird happenings? Thanks again!

-- Anonymous, December 28, 1999

Y2K- Lose my student loans. Lose my student loans. Lose my student loans. Where are all of the flying cars you promised?

-- Anonymous, December 28, 1999

Hey Y2K,

You know that C I got in Environmental Microbiology and the one in Spanish? Yeah, you know... anyway, I would really appreciate it if you could just make them disappear. It could be our little secret... just me and you. I know, I know... maybe I shouldn't have spent the last couple of weeks of the semester boozing, but you know how it is.. we were just celebrating the New Year a little early.

Thanks in advance,

Eve

-- Anonymous, December 28, 1999

Dear Y2K,

Will Tampax be there?

-- Anonymous, December 28, 1999

Dear Y2K, You can wreak all the havoc you please, just as long as it is not so much that I can't make it back home on the 7th. If I spend any more time than that here with my family, I'll be wreaking my own special kind of havoc, if you know what I mean.

--Kristin

-- Anonymous, December 28, 1999

Dear Y2K,

Please let me keep elf bowling...I know, addictions are bad, especially stupid addictions, but if I can no longer hear the sweet sounds of an elf asking Santa if that is all the balls he has...well, I just don't know what dumb addiction might be next. Smoking, drinking, shopping, compulsive..anything. So..no unleashing deadly latent viruses on me, please? Thanks.

Oh, if you are feeling especially benevolant you might consider losing my mortgage note..or better yet..finding it, but finding it paid in full. Just a suggestion for your possible charity trust program.

One more little thing--if you find it in your heart do all these things you might want to know that my wife could be possibly be convinced to give birth on January 1st at 12:00am and 1 second. That way we could work out a deal with all the millions of dollars worth of cash and prizes we could win. I know we might be running into a conflict of interest here with Father Time..but I am sure if we all just cooperate we can work something out. I know she isn't due until January 21st, but my god man, she is huge. I'm sure she wouldn't mind getting that little Schrader monster out of there a little early. He is probably pushing ten pounds already, poor girl. So..auld lang syne..and all that jazz. Cheers, Prost, Best Wishes.

-- Anonymous, December 28, 1999

Y2K; fuck you. you are evil , and an imposter to boot. who are you really , you are not even the millenium! what have you done to poor y2k+1? You are just shitty that one of the best films ever was not called y2k a space odysey (spelling at present is way below par!!). You are the product of shifty marketers and dodgy programmers. You only exist as a shortcoming in us , maybe you are the impending doom. if you are please do so quietly as you make me sick. happy to not here from you again............

-- Anonymous, December 28, 1999

Dear Y2K,

You know that $5.00 I have left in my savings account? I wouldn't mind one bit if you decided to turn that into $5,000,000. Oh, and if you could keep all planes grounded for a few days after you rear your head, I wouldn't mind visiting my family a little while longer rather than going back to work. Just don't pull anything drastic, please. I am quite addicted to all of my earthly comforts.

Thanks in advance, Kelley

-- Anonymous, December 29, 1999

I received this great email the other day, and it pretty much sums up how I feel about this whole Y2K crap:

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant.

This program is known as "Millennium Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone.

We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS.

This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that she had her nose buried in MYASS.

Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before."

I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS.

As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS."

It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."

-- Anonymous, December 29, 1999

dearest y2k, for so long, i've murmured your name, gasping for the truth, only to find out you are the whore of the century. i am truly disappointed, as all that you promised me in secret, was promised to others. please, darling, let the lies be true. i cannot live, knowing that you slept with all of the computer geeks in silicon valley. they're cheering now, you know.

dreaming of you, in that cute little red thing, irene

-- Anonymous, December 29, 1999

Dear Y2K: shut the hell up already. I am so tired of hearing about you and your pal the Bug. I can't wait for February, when you and your friends' hoopla will be mostly over. Unfortunately I realized this week that Mr. Bug will probably be playing his tricks throughout the new year and into the next. Please get it over with quietly.

As I'm writing this, I thought of an interesting irony. We've already heard an incredible amount of crap about Y2K *this* year. And next year, once everyone realizes you were the most overhyped year of all time, we won't be hearing about you much at all. So, 1999 will be Y2K's biggest year, and next year we'll move on to bigger problems (like what to call the new decade). You won't even be the biggest thing in your own year. HA!

I'm tired of your nickname "Y2K". In fact, I'm tired of your overblown full name, "the year 2000". Drop "the year" already! When will people finally get used to just saying "2000"? I know, you don't sound like a *real* year to our ears, because your first name isn't "nineteen". But I'm not going to go around saying "the year" for the next 10 years! And there's no good alternatives. "Twenty-zero-zero" just sounds goofy. And what will we call 2001? "Twenty-one"? No, it would have to be "twenty-zero-one". Simply unacceptable. Sigh....

Sincerely, Jason.

Dear Naughties....

-- Anonymous, December 29, 1999

Hey Y2K,

Are you out there? Listen, I am going skiing with my best friends from high school on your big day. We are all from Alabama and we have never skied before (you know...not having shoes made it difficult) so, could you keep the mayhem to a minimum? And please warn any terrorists bent on blowing up Tahoe that my friend Kristen has more wrath coiled up in her little body than that Bin Laden guy has ever dreamed of having. (You may recall, Y2K, that back in Y1989 this same friend Kristen concocted and carried out, on the Evil Fat Matt, a plan of revenge so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel. She is now an attorney and is even scarier so please don't give her any reason to kick your ass, Y2K, because I can't defend you while in traction from the skiing.)

Oh and, I have got to be back at work in Dallas on Wednesday so, don't mess around with the airplanes, ok? I have already used up all my vacation time.

-- Anonymous, December 30, 1999

Y2K- I know of the Cheesy love-fest going on between you and Packard Bell. If you think that by crippling all computers, PB won't still out like the 'piece of poo' it is, then you need beaten about on the head and the shoulders. PB will disappoint you, it has and always will. I know you worked hard, coming up with this ellaborate plan to make PB rule the world. I even know that you wallowed in your doubts, because by achieving this plan you would have to destroy most of the world. It is okay Y2K, love is as blind as PB purchasers. You can make it through this with out having to say 'Yes 2..." anything. Realize that Packard Bell is using you and drop that little challupa! Don't do us wrong Y2K, that is what PB was made for.

Love, No2PB

-- Anonymous, December 30, 1999

Hey Y2K!

Yes you! Who do you think you are, stirring up all this hype? You are no better than any other year. Where do you get off with your own special little name different from all the other years? And I bet you were the most written about entity this year too! Why's that?

I'm not seeing anything good about you so far. You're threatening to screw up our computers. And boy, you don't want to see me after someone's messed with my computers. You watch out, Y2K. I can take you.

And what's with you and these terrorist militia crazies? You in cahoots with them, Y2K? Huh? HUH?! You think you're Mr. Bad Year, trying to scare all us. Well, you know what? Get rid of the crazies. We don't want no stinkin' terrorists.

So, you're the big bad year. Well I'm standing up to you, Y2K. You can't beat me! I will never bow to your power!

Oh... one more thing while I've got you here. Since you are a year and all, could you make my football team go to a bowl game at the tail end of your year? Because Ye Ole Y1999 seems to have failed me there.

Thanks... and remember. I know when you're coming.

Piper the Terrible

Who isn't really so terrible, but don't make her mad.

-- Anonymous, December 30, 1999

Neener neener neener!

Love, Colin

-- Anonymous, January 02, 2000

Dear Y2K, Though I'm tempted to join Colin in his general taunting of you, I think you're smarter and a little nicer than we've assumed. I was watching the news today and the big problem for folks seems to be "what to do with all of these non-perishable food items?". Now I realize that all of the hype you created with the whole end-o'-times thing was just a ploy to get survivalists to squander their money so they couldn't buy quite as many guns, and to get the rest of us to give to local area food banks.

Just for the record, I was on to you from the start. That extra water I got was just for my hangover.

Fight the Power! andy

ps- Did you have something to do with that hangover? Is that how hangovers will be from now on? Let me know before I try drinking $50 champagne again.

-- Anonymous, January 04, 2000

Dear Y2K,

Psyche!! Haha. You sure got us, didn't you. Are you really proud of yourself? 'Cause if I were you, I'd just about have died laughing by now. Especially at the computer programmer types who left their Silicon Valley brethren behind for bunkers in Arizona.

P.S. All I bought was 9 gallons of water and some candles, so you didn't *really* get me.

-- Anonymous, January 04, 2000

oh, you silly little "k!" i was left with 3 gallons of "good" water, and stuff my mom-in-law insisted we have: toilet paper, 10lbs of rice (which i've been eating non-stop, making it with veggie broth), 5 lbs. of dried pinto beans, and dog food.

i made out easy. have to admit laughing at the ones trying to return generators. we were/are just too poor to care about you, little y2k. sorry, buddy.

thanks for the laugh, though.

-- Anonymous, January 04, 2000

dear y2k:

hey, was boris yeltsin resigning your fault? and was boris' resignation related to those french punks who rioted? and was that your fault, too?

man, even if they were, you were a real let down. bah.

love,

aggie

-- Anonymous, January 04, 2000

Hey there,

Would you mind telling all those dumbasses at CNN and ABC and all those other channels that you are not the "New millennium"? I am SO sick of hearing it. I can count to 1000, but no one else can? Eeehhhhh

Oh and I want peace and joy and love forever and ever, amen.

-- Anonymous, January 05, 2000