The 8 Worst Convenience Foods...True

8. Meeter's Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, that's sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have certain medicinal benefits (as a source of vitamin C, cure for intestinal bugs, etc.), which adds up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the disease.

7. Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports): The best thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep on the package label -- he seems to be saying, "Go on, eat me already." The second-best thing is the presence of both "cooked mutton" and "mutton" in the ingredients listing, which would seem to have all the mutton bases covered.

6. Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.): If you're really looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, you'll be pleased to learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1,170 percent of our recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more ingenious, then, that the label on this product helpfully features a recipe for brains and scrambled eggs.

5. Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken (Sweet Sue Kitchens, Inc.): >From its size (think growth-impaired Cornish hen) to its overall appearance (it's stewed in a quivering mass of aspic goop), this product may change forever your idea of what constitutes a chicken. Gives new meaning to the old line about meat "falling off the bone."

4. Musk Life Savers (Nestle Confectionery): You may think musk is a scent, but over in Australia, they think it's a candy flavor. A candy flavor that tastes disturbingly like raw meat, to be precise. But what did you expect from a country where everyone happily consumes Vegemite?

3. Blind Robins Smoked Ocean Herring (recently discontinued by Bar Food Products): Possibly the world's most bizarre prepackaged tavern snack. Interestingly, the product's titular robin isn't actually blind, he's blindfolded -- the better, presumably, to avoid looking at these heavily salted herring strips, which look like giant slugs.

2. Kylmaenen Reindeer Pate` (Kylmaenen Oy): This Finnish canned good may not be particularly tasty, but at least it answers the age-old question of why Rudolph was so eager for that safe, steady job on Santa4s sleigh team -- he didn4t want to end up a cracker spread.

1. Tengu Clam Jerky (Tengu Co.): Nothing you've ever consumed can prepare you for the horror that is clam jerky. Still, this product does score a sort of conceptual coup: If you're the sort who's always found raw clams too slimy and gelatinous for your taste, these dried, shriveled mollusks will help you dislike clams on a whole new level.

-- && (&&@&&.&), January 05, 2000

Answers

&&...is it appropriate to say "bon apetite", or "Yes, you can be excused from the table to go to the bathroom."?

-- TM (mercier7@pdnt.com), January 05, 2000.

Response to Convenience Foods...Did you stook up on.........

"PORK BRAINS IN MILK?"

AAAAAACCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

LOL!

:)

-- FM/MM (scipublic@xaol.com), January 05, 2000.

Response to Convenience Foods...Did you stook up on.........

Please tell us you bought all those things to get yourself in shape to accept gulag cuisine if you got rounded up and sent of to one of "those" camps? I'd hate to think you "had a hankerin'" for all of those delecacies.

Written as I recall the squid jerkey and pig snout barbeque I consumed in various Asian bar & grills.

WW

-- Wildweasel (vtmldm@epix.net), January 05, 2000.

Response to Convenience Foods...Did you stook up on.........

WW,

I got you topped.

My dad (a former United States Air Force Major) came home from South Korea and told our family about something called:

(And of course I will get this wrong)

KIMSHEE!

(A jar of vegetables, buried in the dirt?)

AAAAAACCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

Here we go with FOOD threads! Hee!

Welcome aboard!

:)

-- FM (vidprof@aol.com), January 05, 2000.

Ah yes, Kimchee! Something that is definitely an acquired taste and I just couldn't. Some how the taste of that "high octane sauerkraut" was just more than I could take. Of course I'm not fond of sauerkraut either.

BTW, I did two tours at Taegu.

WW

-- Wildweasel (vtmldm@epix.net), January 06, 2000.

Old french doctor running a lepersorium near Lai Khe (we took him a bunch of med stuff) fed us something I'm sure would beat Kimchee for bad. Today I don't know what it was but it didn't have enough pepper to cover the smell.

-- Carlos (riffraff1@cybertime.net), January 06, 2000.

Where are the canned crickets?

-- justme (justme@myhouse.com), January 12, 2000.

Canned crickets are here:

http://hv.greenspun.com/bboard/q-and-a-fetch-msg.tcl?msg_id=002EXA

-- sweetpea (on@the.farm), January 13, 2000.

Being half Korean, of course, I do eat kimchee from time to time. And, yes, I have kimchee buried in the backyard. In fact, several varieties of kimchee. However, I don't eat kimchee for breakfast and that's really the litmus test that proves who and who is not a korean. (grin)

But kimchee is not really a comfort food; it is a dietary staple. I'm not quite sure how anyone could make that kind of mistake? (laughing)

Here's my list of luxury foods and their asociated costs:

24 lbs of Starbuck's expresso French Roast whole coffee beans: $200

24 lbs of Dean and Deluca's Viennese Roast whole coffee beans: $280

4 cases of Lindt 70% Excellence Dark Chocolate 100 Gram Bars: $200

4 cases of Brazilian Nut Jungle Crunch Bars: $200

24 lbs of Roasted, Shelled, and Salted Cashews: $120

Sincerely, Stan Faryna

-- Stan Faryna (faryna@groupmail.com), January 26, 2000.

Well, Stan, now we know where to go for our mocha fixes! :)

-- justme (justme@myhouse.com), January 26, 2000.

Justme,

Well, you read my mind. The only thing was that I really didn't have enough sugar for all that coffee. Good thing, I can still run to one of the three 7-11s within 5 miles of my place. Or the Safeway less than a mile away. (laughing)

-- Stan Faryna (faryna@groupmail.com), January 27, 2000.