I started this topic to address the question asked in the "Awkard moments" thread:

do you think that journalling exposes yourself to more ridicule? Do you think we share too much about ourselves?

Do you worry about crazy people trying to find you?

-- Anonymous, January 13, 2000

Answers

Shaw wrote, "If you want to tell a person the truth, make him laugh or he'll kill you." Some of us have the compulsion look for the truth, and present what we find to others. I think the rest is just incidental to learning to avoid getting ourselves killed.

-- Anonymous, January 13, 2000

Actually, being the only real geek in my family, I do feel awkward discussing the 'personal' parts of the web where I am concerned. My wife doesn't understand the concept of bulletin boards, and (thanks to her friend) now thinks that it is somewhat improper to have online correspondence with women I don't know.

And of course, just the overall perception of the geekiness of it opens me to some sort of ridicule from people that are not plugged in.. especially when I suddenly get an invitation to a party from someone who tracked my address down online, or some other similar thing.

It's kind of silly. Of course, it's embarrassing to admit online, while it is embarrassing to admit offline the depth that I am involved with the web, professionally, and personally.

-- Anonymous, January 13, 2000

>>Do you worry about crazy people trying to find you?

To be honest, I was more worried about crazy family members finding me, and that's already happened, so I guess that I'm in the clear! (They found it, wrote some nasty things in the guestbook, and went away...Yay for them.)

I guess that I'm a fairly open and un-safe person. I mean, everyone who reads my journal knows that I go to Tiffin University and has a pretty damn good description of where I live. It really doesn't bother me, I guess. I'm not sure why.

But then, I'm weird.
-Meghan

-- Anonymous, January 13, 2000

There are some things that I'd like to write about, but I don't want my or my husband's family to find and read. I'm not just talking about personal stuff, but potentially damaging. So, for now, I'll have to refrain.

I do kinda fear the psycho stuff, 'cause I get weird emails at my domain already. (And in various languages.) And, I did have this psycho chick stalk and harass me online for 2 years because she was in love with my husband.

So far, I think only three people even read my journal regularly. But, it's been fun so far, so I'll probably keep it up a while longer. Right now, my journal is more like a one-sided chat with my friends and family back in Virginia.

-- Anonymous, January 13, 2000

I find online journalling quite weird by its nature. I always thought the whole point of keep a journal or diary or other notebook of one's life and thoughts was that it was private. And yet once you put something online you're extending the private into a completely public sphere. Still, I do it myself now, and I'm finding it an interesting experience (what other people think of my humble creation is another matter, of course).

The question I always have is just how much of themselves are online journal authors giving away. Cos the author must wonder how much of themselves CAN they give away before they start admitting too much. This leads to the interesting phenomenon of people who put their journal behind a password-protect. Although that just makes me wonder, if you're that worried about people reading it, why put it online in the first place? It's an interesting thing to get around

http://www.geocities.com/jgwr

-- Anonymous, January 14, 2000

I think journalling is my answer to the problem of having to hide a large portion of my personality/activities when I visit my family. I write it all down for perfect strangers to read instead. If my family ever reads the journal site, I'll probably be disowned. It's a risk I think about quite a lot. I guess we'll have to see what happens.

As for ridicule, I'd only worry about that if certain close friends and/or coworkers found the site and started teasing me about it in public. They'll find it, but hopefully they'll be kind about it.

Do I worry about crazy people finding me? Oh, they already have. They send email too. Fortunately they're quite friendly, literate crazy people. Nothing wrong with that.

-- Anonymous, January 14, 2000

Pamie, it's funny you should bring this up today, because while washing the dishes last night I was suddenly struck by two questions I wanted to ask you ...

1. Do you ever get any negative feedback regarding Squishy?

2. Do you know exactly how many people visit your site?

The privacy element of keeping a journal wouldn't bother me, but I think my friends and family wouldn't necessarily want me mentioning them. I don't think I could be bothered keeping a journal under an assumed name, as I'd forget what I'd called people. As things stand at the moment, I've got too much study I'm not doing to be able to start an online journal without massive feelings of guilt, so all these questions need not be answered!

-- Anonymous, January 14, 2000

Pamie,

It's funny you should post this topic, as I just stayed up until 7 am to revamp my journal for the first time in over a month. There's been a lot going on with the holidays, I've been spending lots of time recently with friends where I live and I wasn't happy with the design.

Random responses to the thread:

-I started Bleed originally as an exercise to a) discover some details I was unaware of in my own menstrual cycle and b) to give other women a place to discuss a topic around which there seems to be a great deal of silence. I achieved both of those goals, but stumbled upon something quite different: menstruation is a big-time sexual fetish. I have men from all over the world asking me to email, write or share in person my blood. No matter how I tell them that's not the purpose of the site, even after posting letters to embarrass them, they keep on whacking off and writing to tell me all about it. I'm far from naive, but this came as a great shock to me.

-I just checked my stats. Someone found my site by typing in "diaries and fuck." I guess they were looking for erotic confessions, but my December 3 entry, which just happened to be called "What the fuck?" was in fact about job frustration.

-I just updated my regular journal tonight because I needed to. It started for many reasons. First and foremost, friends were always telling me "that could only happen to you, Erica." So I thought I'd tell those kind of stories. Second, lots of things can only happen in San Francisco, so I thought I'd tell those kinds of stories. I thought it might be a one-stop clearinghouse for my friends to check on how I was doing, when I moved from California to New York. As it's turned out, I rarely do any of the above. It is a good place for me to work out my anger and frustration, to see what's really bothering me about different situations in my life.

-I make a big distinction between my online and my offline journals. There are lots of things -- new relationships, family issues, long term plans that might conflict with certain short-term necessities, etc. -- that I will not disclose until it is appropriate to do so, if at all.

-As with this marathon session tonight, the online journal is a place where I can experiment with color, graphics and design. I may not be an expert at these things, but I enjoy them, nonetheless. I don't feel the same level of competance with pencil and paper. By changing the colors and graphics, I get to express different moods, ideas and perspectives and toy around, mixing and matching.

-As for the question of ridicule...I've been ridiculed all my life for having views and talents that were not always appreciated. On the contrary to the question, I've found many like-minded people as a result of my various web projects.

-Do we share too much? Sometimes. I tend to do that offline as well. I decided long ago that it was better to live an open life than to run from imagined failings. What I like best about the Web right now is the personal journals and storytelling. Last year, the big story was that e-commerce gained a footing. What's so special about shopping, I say? We've been conditioned to do so in person, over the phone, by mail and encouraged to shop more by TV, radio, magazines and even friends and family. What is new and unique, in my experience, is open, honest communication. Sure, a lot of people use the anonymity of the Internet to lie. Despite that easy road, many, many others use it instead to break down barriers and connect. That gives me hope.

Enjoying the conversation, Erica

-- Anonymous, January 14, 2000

I've made it a policy not to tell anybody in my "real life" my web address, and people who aren't that close to me don't know I have one at all, which is liberating. I have no problem baring my soul to strangers, and what really keeps me from spilling everything is that I know and am e-friends with some people who read my diary, and I care what they think.

Also I look back at myself just a few years ago and I'm happy I wasn't telling lots of people who might not understand what I thought/felt, because it was just so bad; my head was in such a bad place. So yeah, I wonder who's laughing at me now, and historically, finding out has been enough to make me stop.

-- Anonymous, January 14, 2000

I always thought it'd be really fun, but my big problem is ideas. I'm not sure I could come up with readable entries every day, much less entertaining ones, and the pressure to do so intimidates me. Sharing myself would be fine -- in a way, I think it's easier to reveal yourself so completely to an Internet world of total strangers. Who knows why.

-- Anonymous, January 14, 2000

i've always been lousy at keeping a diary/journal. i'd get new ones every year, write a few days' worth, then completely forget about it. sharing stuff on squishy has been great- i was tentative at first, but everyone seems so geniune, that i can't help but be honest and ramble! my hubby, though, is a squishy fan, too, so i make sure i'm not saying anything that could lead to marital unrest. (i REALLY wanted to comment about elbows/sleeping in bed, but another fight is not worth it.)

-- Anonymous, January 14, 2000

I was mainly afraid of criticism when I started my journal, but I've gotten very little feedback, and it's been positive. (I've had a couple of unsettling experiences on bulletin boards, where some people feel quite comfortable sending hateful vitriol to anyone foolish enough to participate.) My dad likes my journal.

I just enjoy writing, and I enjoy the internet. Once I discovered online journaling (Xeney and Pamie), it took me another 6 months to work up the nerve to do it myself.

My boyfriend cannot *believe* that I would write about myself and put it online. He's paranoid anyway. Fortunately for me, he doesn't spend any time online, because if he saw what I've been writing lately, we'd have a whole new set of problems. Come to think of it, he's the only person I wouldn't want to read my journal.

http://home.mebtel.net/~`kirchner

-- Anonymous, January 14, 2000

I guess most of the negative feedback I get is more that behind-my-back kind of talk that you hear about how "so and so is so popular and everyone thinks she's so great but she's not so hot, i swear" kind of stuff.

i mean, yeah i get the occasional weird e-mail about how if i hate vincent gallo so much i should just keep it to myself because no one cares.

It seems that right now my readership is around 1200 a weekday or so. That's visitors, not readers. Judging from some of my weblogs not everyone reads the daily entries. I think some people come here for the forum. Weekend hits are smaller. I really don't have a good idea of how many daily visitors I have, but I'd say that probably a good 600 of them stop by every day I update.

-- Anonymous, January 14, 2000

Online journalling is the best thing on earth!

I would never keep a paper journal because I couldn't stick to it, and when I went back later to read it, it seem stupid (like all those (I had a crush on so-and-so when I was 14 stories in the akward moments thread). And everything I do online is about what I'm thinking at that moment.

Mostly, my friends and mom read it, so it's more like an inside joke than anything, and everyone who reads it pretty much knows everyone in it, and how I am in "real life" (whatever that is), so when I whip out the sarcasm they know I'm not being mean or serious about the subject.

This online escapade has almost got me kicked out of college. I wrote a few entries about how I was frustrated with my class and how my classes are governed by cliques and retold (totally stupid, unreal, idiotic)conversations that made me laugh, and other people too.. well, someone in my class got a hold of the address, took everything out of context, told the whole faculty that I was gossiping about them online and that I was threatening them. He even went as far as to tell the program head (dean) about it and told them I was going to bring weapons to school (I've never held a gun, what am I going to do, go to the roof and take everyone out with a stolen bow and arrow?)

I think I'm the only person who has gotten free counselling and legal advice because I like to express my unconventional thoughts on the internet.

I'm off topic.

Online journalling is about freedom of thought and expression. And most people don't share something that they're not willing to share. Nobody forces us to this.

And crazy internet people are kinda flattering sometimes :)

(http://www.junctionnet.com/~caroline --yeah, I'm still just a tilde!)

-- Anonymous, January 14, 2000

I put up my website back in '96, posted a few "journal" type entries, more like personal essays, my adult son emailed me to say "Hey Dad, I didn't know you were such an exhibitionist." But what I had written was along the lines of looking at a lunar eclipse and remembering looking at a full moon with my father when I was a little kid, that kind of stuff, personal, yes, but not anything that I would hesitate to have published in a newspaper or something like that. My daughter was a freshman in high school at that time and, while watching me enter my very first posting, said "hey, you're not gonna use my name, are you?" so I gave her a different name, same thing for my youngest, who was in 6th grade at the time. Now she's a senior and he's a freshman, but I still use false names for them. I use my wife's real first name and also my eldest's real first name.

I've always been more of a reader of online journals than a journaler myself, but for the past couple of weeks I have deliberately tried to make my site more of an online journal and have been posting daily. I have been watching statistics and seeing readership creeping up -- for years my hit average was less than one per day -- but I have yet to break into double digits *grin*

I have no concerns about ridicule. I know that people who know me (friends and family members) have read my pages in the past. I have not heard from any of them since I started making it a regular journal, but since updates used to be very infrequent it just may be that none of them have wandered by in the past couple weeks...

Yes, I do worry about crazy people. (What's the point in worrying about sane ones, eh?) I don't have my phone number or street address on my website; although I sometimes write about living in Rhode Island, I don't give street and town informantion. I don't plaster my real full name all over it either, but it is there. (However, my name is not uncommon; searches I have done on my name have found me, but many pages deep in the search returns.) If I were to be out of town on business, I don't think I would announce that fact in advance.

I realize that I've used the email address based on my webpage that yahoo set up for me when they took over Geocities rather than my hotmail address containing my real first and last names that I usually use when posting here. Yes, I know only nice people are regular readers of squishy, but who knows what crazy might wander in....

Jim

-- Anonymous, January 14, 2000

i dont think anybody reads my journal, so i guess im fairly safe. there are so many journals out there now, its hard to wade through all of them. im in several webrings, but have never received an e- mail from someone who just popped in and read something on my site. theres only a couple entries in the guest book, and two of them are from a friend, the only friend ive told about the journal. but shes not on line often, so only reads it occasionally. sometimes i write something and post it then think, gee, thats an embarrassing thing few people knew about me. why did i write that? i suppose i could go in and edit my entries, but that would make it almost like a fictional diary, and then, whats the point? honestly, i dont know why i even do this. all i know is ive never been able to keep a paper journal for more than a couple weeks, and ive kept this on-line one for nearly a year. its actually been quite helpful for me in a couple situations to write stuff down. it makes me feel better. i guess i dont even care if anybody reads it at all; im really doing it for myself, not for others. as for the possibility of being discovered by crazy people, i use an old nick name in my journal that only a few friends from high school would recognize, and havent specifically mentioned the name of my workplace, although i suppose ive said enough about it that if someone really wanted to, they could research it and find out the name and exact location. i dont know why anyone would care, though.

-- Anonymous, January 14, 2000

I've often thought about having an online journal, but getting 'feedback' like this - http://www.terrapindream.com/dream/word/wshit108.html

deters me.

-- Anonymous, January 14, 2000

Niki,

If you let the vile opinions of others deter you, then you lose and they win. There's a part of your brain that is capable of anything, but most people give up before they put in the effort to exercise it and make it strong. It's easier to demoralize you from learning how to make your life better with it, than it is to live without it, and watch you arm yourself with it.

If you find that part of your brain I'm talking about, I hope you let us know. I know I would benefit from it.

-- Anonymous, January 14, 2000

Caro,

Yours is "Journal of a Mad Woman" and mine is "Diary of a MAD Woman." How funny is that? I also found another menstrual diary last night, started about the same time as mine. Who knew?

-- Anonymous, January 15, 2000

I've always wondered what writers would think knowing that their journals were published posthumously (John Cheever, Sylvia Plath, etc.),epecially writers such as Plath who were considered to be confessional poets in the first place. I can only imagine what they would write if the online community were available to them. I suspect, that like all serious writers, they'd edit a bit more, conscious of an (un)intended audience. In this respect, on-line journals intrigue me. It's difficult to publish your work and the online community allows you to get your work out there and to practice your craft with a critical audience while simultaneously venting. Is there any better therapy then just letting it go? At the same time, I think that the concept of "diary writing," per se, has transmogrified with the expectation that your words will be disseminated to anyone who stumbles across your webpage. Is there a bit more artiface in your writing? Perhaps you just don't let it go all the way? I know there would some dishonesty in mine, for writing for myself (an audience convinced that every word I write is Golden) would allow me to wallow more in my own crises or exaltations. Knowing my words would be posted on the Internet, however, would induce me to take creative license in an effort entice an audience to pay attention one way or another. Instead of my ego singing my own praises or, conversely, flagellating myself, it would concentrate more on diction and content so as to attract an audience. I wonder how many of you keep two journals, the published one and a personal one?

-- Anonymous, January 15, 2000

I post in my own name, and my address is publicly listed in the phone book. On the other hand, I deliberately, even in my drawings, don't make them so faithful that anyone could recognize my kids on the street, and I have left off things about the route we take to school to protect them. When I left Barb last summer for a few days to a trip to San Diego, I had "extra" journal entries that she uploaded every day so no one would know I was gone. I'm home almost every night, so I don't feel like I'm exposing them to a lot of danger...but I'm careful, sometimes, for their sake, if not for mine.

--Al of NOVA NOTES.

-- Anonymous, January 15, 2000

I've toyed with the idea of keeping an online journal, or at least of doing online film reviews, and am not so much afraid of the backlash but of being interesting. Plus, as much of an anal-retentive perfectionist as I am, I'm afraid it would consume just too much of my time. Pamie, I really don't know how you do it, not only the journaling but also reading all your e-mail and postings. I already don't have time to do all the things online I want to do, and I don't even have a job right now! I honestly don't know where people have the time.

I also think it would be too mentally tasking to try to keep things anonymous. I know I would want to bare my soul and hear people's reactions, but I would have to come up with a whole new online persona and name, plus give pseudonyms to all my friends, etc. That in itself would be time consuming enough, then to deal with what to write about, graphics, etc.... I would probably spend all day at it! Then, I'm not really good at keeping secrets, and would probably accidentally blab to my husband or a friend about a response I'd gotten to something I'd written, then soon everyone I know would know I had a journal online and would want to read it. I don't think so. Maybe I should just get a job.

-- Anonymous, January 15, 2000

Erica,

The madwoman theme is just new to this month. (Also, mad is another way to say crazy.. it's was originally Caro's Crazy Conundrum, but that's kind of part of the site history.)

Another plus: I'm addicted to new things, so every month I try to do a new layout (notice the top buttons are wonky?) and when I find things that I get frustrated with, I just revamp it. How fun is that?

Also, mad is another way to say crazy.. it's was originally Caro's Crazy Conundrum, but that's kind of part of the site history. Basically, the journal started as a way to fill the content of the site, around the newest wonky design. But now it's the focus of the site.

-- Anonymous, January 15, 2000

Well I'm about to find out how much html I've really picked up! So this looks like gobbildy-gook I apologose in advance.

I got hooked on reading journals September last year (and it's just as well we don't have internet tracking in work as I caught up on over a year of Squishy in a week) and I started one myself aboout 2 months ago.

I started for a couple of reasons, I wanted to learn html, but didn't want to set up a fansite, my best friend was moving to the States and I thought it would be a way for us to keep in touch, mostly I wanted to see could I. Would I be able to write entries frequently?

I hadn't realised how much I'd enjoy it. I'm trying to be open and honest without revealing too much. I've said I live on my own but haven't given enough information to identify where. Same way I haven't gone into detail abou where I work or what I do as this would make it too easy for people to find me (Ireland is small!).

I've found it gets easier to reveal more over time and I don't want to edit myself too much as most of all I'm keeping this journal for me and I'm trying to do entries about what I'm thinking and feeling instead of just what I did. The journals that keep me interested are the ones that are honest.

I suppose the main thing is I'm having fun!

So come over and say hi somtime.

Just Stopping By

Caoimhe

-- Anonymous, January 17, 2000

Hey, Caoimhe, I'm not good with those Irish names. I thought Siobhan was pronounced like it was spelled for years. Yeah, I'm an idiot. So how do you pronounce your name?

-- Anonymous, January 17, 2000

I don't worry about crazy people finding me. I worry about real people finding me, and boy, have they ever.

Every couple of weeks or so I get another e-mail from a high school friend or acquaintance who is now reading my journal. I'm not sure how many of my coworkers read it, but two of them repeat phrases to me when I come in in the morning, bits they particularly liked that day. I just realized that a cousin I haven't seen in 10 or 15 years is on my forum notify list. Jeremy's family reads it, my family reads it, my friends' mothers read it.

It creeps me out. I'd rather write for strangers, but that's not really an option.

So I've just gotten further and further away from writing anything personal. When I slip and write something vaguely emotional (like I did today), I always go back and delete it a few hours later (like I probably will this evening). I don't mind people I've never met and never will meet knowing that I'm a weak little dork who stays with her boyfriend even though he's mean to her, but I don't want any of the people close to me to know that.

I have a private, anonymous journal that I update now and then, but I've never given anyone the URL and I probably won't anytime soon.

-- Anonymous, January 17, 2000

The closest (without spending years in the joy that is an Irish education) would be - kwee-va

Hope that helps any questions, let me know :-)

-- Anonymous, January 18, 2000

I've actually been keeping a paper journal for the last few weeks, and I'm finding it very theraputic. I like it more than an online version (I have one going at Open Diary) because I can update sitting on the tube, in bed, on the sofa, whereas updating online is a bit more of a drama. Soon I'll find the time to transfer it all online though.

-- Anonymous, January 18, 2000

I'm still pretty new at the journalling thing, but I have made quite an effort to be unrecognisable to anyone that might know me. it's not so much the fear of getting stalkers or abuse, but more just that i feel a bit silly if i know people who are reading, and so can't write as freely - which kind of defeats the whole purpose for me.
so i suppose the answer to 'does journalling open you to ridicule?' is yeeees... but hopefully it doesn't automatically follow on.

bea - stranger on a train

-- Anonymous, January 18, 2000

ooooh - what was that about opening yourself up to ridicule? i think i meant to do this self publicising?
i am such a fool...

-- Anonymous, January 18, 2000

Thanks, Caoimhe!

-- Anonymous, January 18, 2000

Wow. So nice to find this question. I have always wanted to keep a journal. But my fear of it being found has kept me from doing so. I do not feel I could enjoy writing a journal (I've tried) unless I can be completely honest with total disclosure. I would go so far as to say that I am irrationally paranoid about being discovered by someone I know.

I honestly wish this was not an issue for me. It would be such a release to be able to anonymously share with others what I otherwise keep locked deep within.

Oh well, for now I will live vicariously...and we all know how much fun THAT is.

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2000