I think Beth has described an effective game plan for not getting laid ever again in her January 18 journal entry, but there are other ways for a boyfriend or husband to shut that bedroom door. Let's share, people! I'll go first:

"Thank God, I thought your family was never going to go home!"

"You want to go to L'Espalier for our anniversary then leave the kid(s) with a sitter while we spend the night in a hotel? Are you kidding, I could put a downpayment on a boat with that much money!"

"But the wedding ring was cutting off my circulation!"

-- Anonymous, January 18, 2000

Answers

Well, I once used the words "cute" and "little" in reference to someone's penis. I never made that mistake again.

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

While lying in bed experiencing post-coital bliss, he says:

"So, do you think there's anything you can do about your acne?"

I am not making this up. Yes, he is now an EX-boyfriend. And no, I was not smart enough at the time to dump him on the spot. Also, the acne did clear up, but after I broke up with him, which serves him right, the loser.

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

Crying in front of my husband has got to be the most effective form of birth control. It results in abstinence every time.

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

My husband, after seeing American Pie, has taken to standing in front of me and saying "suck me beautiful". Um, yeah, probably not going to happen.

I have also held out when he has patted my rear end and made little bub, bub, bub, bub noises. That does a lot for your self esteem let me tell ya.

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

In the car the other day, referring to an ex-girlfriend:

"I wonder how often she has sex with her husband. I bet she'd be pretty good in bed, 'cause you know, it's not that she didn't want to have sex, it's that she didn't want to have sex before marriage."

Thirty seconds later- "what, what'd I say?"

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

My exhusband replied to the Forbidden Question (which is, of course - "does this dress/these pants/this bikini make me look FAT?") with the memorable line - "No. [pause] Your fat makes you look fat."

Maybe he's smart though - although he (and eventually the marriage) was given the cold shoulder, I never asked him that question again.

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

being myself

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2000

Apparently, all that one needs to do in order to not get laid is to live on a campus that is totally male dominated. There's one female to every four males around here. And you know what? I don't think that I know a single person who's gotten laid by any of the guys on campus yet this year. (School year. Not year year.)

Kind of odd.
-Meghan

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2000

Acquire the same taste in computer games, and only buy one copy. That'll guarantee that somebody's sitting there playing Pharaoh or MMVII until 2 in the morning, 7 nights a week.

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2000

In our house, saying "Thank god, I thought your family was never goind to leave!" wouldn't shut the bedroom door. We both know his family is insane and can only stand so much time with them.

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2000