Is there a band that has taken its sweet time to release a new album? Weezer, I'm looking in your direction. Let your favorite artist know that you've been patient long enough.

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

Answers

They Might Be Giants took a long time, and then released their newest album as an MP3 only. Grrrr.... and Radiohead always takes way too long between albums.

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

I was gonna really be upset about Radiohead, but since they obviously are torturing themselves enough in the studio right now (there's a lot of angsty stuff in their online journal at www.radiohead.com about laying down tracks and how things just don't sound right, etc...), putting more pressure on them would just make Thom Yorke jump off a building. If you're Jonesing, pick up "Meeting People is Easy" on DVD. It rocks the hizzouse.

I could really do with a Fugees album since I've worn out Miseducation of Lauryn Hill and The Carnival. But I think Wyclef has gotten way too full of himself, so it may never happen.

Oh, U2 is working on an album, but I'm dreading this one -- like, do I really want to be disappointed? Will all of that globetrotting with world leaders make Bono sing better? I dunno about this one -- I anticipate and fear it at the same time...

Of course, where would we be without another Puffy or Jay-Z album? Is it my imagation, or do these guys release albums bi-monthly?

I'm a little wary of asking for follow-ups since the last few I've really been looking forward to have been not-so-great... cases in point: Sting, Sting (again, Brand New Day my ass), P.J. Harvey, Beck (which was only so-so), REM...

Notable exceptions: Hole, Dr. Dre (Chronic 2001 is spectacu-larrrrr), Bjork, Fiona Apple (don't knock the skinny girl -- her new CD is great)

o. (Thom Yorke disciple)

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

Dear Fates Warning:

All right, out with it. You got me all excited thinking Jim Matheos was going to play in that supergroup with Mike Portnoy, and even though Transatlantic sounds like it's going to be dynamite anyway, your stated reason for pulling out was scheduling conflicts with the new Fates... So where is it? Been a long time since "A Pleasant Shade of Grey," homeboy. "Still Life" is great, but a live album doesn't count. And if you act now, you may even get to tour with Dream Theater again. Bring it. Bring it.

Tired of chasing time, -shane

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

I, too, have been chomping at the bit for new Radiohead. It's been two long years. But it's coming February, right? We hope. That you choke- that you choooooooooke...

I love Thom. I want to have his cock-eyed love child.

Sorry, I didn't say that. I didn't!

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

Dear The Smiths,

Don't you think that it is time for that reunion tour? I'm sure that Morrisey and Marr are doing okay, but what about the Drummer and the Bassist? I'm sure they have kids and mortgages to pay. Why don't you think of them once and a while? I can't wait to see a stadium with 10,000 late 20 something ex goth rockers trying to smoke clove cigarettes and sing the chorus to Big Mouth Strikes Again. I didn't get to see you the first time around, so it seems only fair.

Well?

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

Dear K's Choice.

Yes I know 1998 is not that way back. But 98' gone. We've hit the one- year-before-the-new-millenium aka Y2K. Now be happy and get a new album! I've got all 3 and they are not fun when I know 98' is way back. WAAAY back.

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

Kate. Kate, my sweet. Ms Bush, over there in your English castle-like whatever... what the hell are you doing over there? Writing songs? I hope so.

I hope they don't suck as bad as The Red Shoes, too.

Oh, and while I'm asking, maybe Patricia McKillip, Ellen Kushner and Ursula Le Guin could get on with the new novels. It's time, people. The laurels are getting squashed.

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

Dear Sneaker Pimps, OK, so, uh...here I am! Your fan! Waiting for your next album with baited breath (garlicky too). You know, I stood up for you, a british quasi techno band, when your last single, 6 underground, had died out and nobody knew about you. I'm still commited! I let that girl who carpool's with me borrow you for a few weeks, and she took you away from me forever, to NYU! Did I just lounge in my Pimp-less complacency? NO! Hell no! I went out to Music Trader and bought myself a brand new (if slightly used) "Becoming X." Why? Because I got commitment! Where's yours? Am I gonna have to go over to that scrawny little island and sit on it? Because, if come September, I don't get a BRAND NEW, PREVIOUSLY UNRELEASED Sneaker Pimps album, that's what's gonna happen!

And don't try to sell me none of that "remixed" crap. I'm onto you. Your loyal fan, Andrea

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

The most obvious answer: My Bloody Valentine. Right?

Also Fulflej.

Damn.

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

Right on with My Bloody Valentine. They've only had, what, nine years to get the next album together?

As for the Sneaker Pimps, I believe you'll find there actually IS a new album out, or at least a new single, which has been getting airplay here. "Low Five" is the name of the song.

http://www.geocities.com/jgwr

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

Dear Rusted Root...

I miss you. I miss your drums. I need more loud music that I can blast and no one can recognize. I don't care that your only song that got any play was "Send Me on My Way." I love you. I care. Dammit. We can get through this together. Please please show me you still care, too.

Love, Katherine

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

Dear Elastica,

It's time for a new LP, dearies. Your little 6 song EP was nice, but it was techno... and you're punk. Please put out a new LP, one up to par with your first one that came out in, what was it... 1994?

Murphy.

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

Dear Barenaked Ladies,

Now, this is not for me, it's for a friend of mine. His name is Mat and he loves you guys more than life himself. He's a very sweet boy with a wonderful brain and a kind heart -- so give him some more music already. He has every one of your CDs, even the ones that didn't do so well -- he learned to play the guitar for you. And the boy can SING. Give him some more music already! I know you just came out with one recently, but he's WORTH IT, give him MORE.

Thanks.

Oh, and if you meet Weezer, tell them the same (for me).

And if you bump into that dog., tell them to get back together.

Love,

Lindsay

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

Dear Stone Roses ; Please stop this painful solo career stuff. The efforts of one mr brown and a sulky seahorses does not even compare to the 'not the best' second coming........mani is getting restless , and who knows how long his liver/kidneys can keep hanging out with primal scream? so go lock yourselves in a studio......put on the beads and hats , and pretend it is 1990 ok?

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2000

Dear Pulp

...those rumours about Jarvis deciding he is too old to rock`n`roll better be untrue ,get your act together and gimme some!

...also Portishead... I don`t want to be all needy and clingy and whiny on you guys but I don`t think two measly albums are a fair deal after you guys became my methadone-turned-heroine after the great- grunge-gobbledygook was all over...

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2000

Beaten to the punch but.....

Dear Kevin B****y Shields

We've been waiting fot the new My Bloody Valentine album for nine years. You sent Creation to the brink of bankruptcy, you've driven Blinda to running a mini-cab, you've remixed a couple of tracks and you've been a gigging whore while we wait for a few (thousand) notes.

I've seen you at Mogwai gigs, your mouth open mentally scrapping another two years of work. It's not good being THAT much of a perfectionist, get something out NOW!

(Hey, how about a compilation album of the best bits you've scrapped over the last 3285 (approx) days - that'd be the marketing department's wet dream for sure)

Thank you,

Yours sincerely

e.

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2000

Dear Melissa,

could you please take back your latest album and replace it with one that's up to your usual standards?

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2000

i'm waiting for some new kate bush. as patiently as possible, but, hurry, kate, please! i'm stuck in america where so much of the music sucks ass! i need some cool tunes! help!

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2000

Dear Clash --

I know you're all upset and the mistakes of your youth are haunting you, but could you get it together and buddy up one more time? I know they won't make you do Combat Rock again if you'll only re-emerge.

And Weezer, yeah. What the hell is wrong with you? Are you pissy because we found Pinkerton in the bargain bin as we were grabbing a movie at Blockbuster? They didn't mean it, they just don't know -- come on back, baby.

Jawbreaker, I am tired of this Jets to Brazil crap. I don't think you're angry enough. You need me to come over there and kick your ass some?

Pixies, I wish I knew why all my favorite bands are no longer together. You all piss me off. Are you in league with the rude subway riders in a conspiracy to drive me mad? That 'Death to the Pixies' was a good idea, but I'll only be appeased for so long. Then I'm breakin' out the big guns.

Thanks guys, J

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2000

Dear Kate Bush,

Like the previous two posters, I too have waited an eternity for new music from you. Sure, it was cute when you went to a "two-year between albums" program since it created delicious anticipation. The three and four year experiments, though irritating at times, I'll write off as performance art - an experiment to test the audience's willingness to endure. But this new... what?... SIX year delay is bordering on Andy Kaufmanesque. I understand that writing sheer brilliance is time comsuming (isn't it Pamie?), but come on, throw those of us that have supported you forever you a bone. Here's an idea:

Turn on a radio and just sing along with it - even the commercials - for an hour then ship the DAT off to the CD pressers. Don't know the words to what's playing right now? No prob - make some up, hum, beat on the kitchen table in rhythm or just read a bit of the newspaper out loud. ANYTHING!!!!

I've got $14.99 plus tax right here and I'll send it to you in cash. Hell, I'll even get it exchanged into Euros or whatever, just give me something, anything new with your name on it.

Wadausay? One hour of your time. Love Hounds (Kate fans for the uninitiated) the world over will have a simultaneous orgasm, music critics will herald you the creator of a whole new musical genre, "Radioli", and you get to go back to your gardening and playing with your cats by lunch time. It's a win/win for everyone involved.

Serious Kate - I either need some new sounds, or - gulp - some closure on our long one-sided affair in the form of a press release saying "Love ya, mean it - Buh-bye". Sure I'll be forced to wear more black, weep and curse the God that forces me to live in a world without your tuneage, but at least the "not knowing" will end.

L.

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2000

Dear Stone Temple Pilots and Scott Weiland, together or separately:

I will give you $14.99 not to make another album, and to take a very long break before working on that non-album.

LYLAB,
omar

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2000

My boyfriend George. His album is taking quite awhile. Of course it isn't his fault. He did his part of the job by playing the instruments needed and supplying his (fantabulous) vocals. I did my part, i contacted all the right people, and got him up on mp3.com for the time being. Now we have to wait for the publishing company to fork out the money to have the manufacturing done to make the copies. And we're trying to get distribution which will make our lives much easier.

But at least you can hear him here: George.

Sorry for the pimp. :)

But i do hope the album comes out soon. It will be amazing to walk into a store and see his album there.

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2000

Dear Tool, Get your act together, Maynard. I need to hear something from you NOW. I'm suffering. Hey, I'm original OGT. I've loved you since the first EP. I don't think you've sold out to the Man. I'm the Man, and you're the Man, and he's the Man as well. And I ask myself why can't we not be sober at least once a week. I've come full circle, I've been cleansed and purged in the water, I've laid back and let you show me another way. I'm shoulder deep inside the borderline, my license plates have 46&2 incorporated in them, and I admit that I've allowed you to pry open my third eye. I bake cookies WITH NO EGGS. So please, I'm begging you... Twist my dark little soul once again with your sexxy basslines and half-whispered poetry. Pretty please? Til Niagara Falls, Moire Smith

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2000

Hey Ian? Just so you know -- it's Debbie, not Bilinda, who's working as a cab driver now. Bilinda is still in the band. Plus it's been only eight years since Loveless -- not to sound nitpicky, there's really no NEED to exaggerate, is all.

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2000

Dear Deborah Gibson,

I guess I can't really complain. I know you've been busy with your first love, the theatre, and have been on tour in Joseph for some time now. But still... it's been three years since your last album. I'm waiting for album #7 already. I could use another dose of upbeat pop coupled with unapologetic schmaltz. Throw in a few "whoa-whoa's" and I'll be in heaven.

Your fan,

Shmuel

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2000

All I want is my 15.99 back from Type O Negative for "Bloody Kisses". You paying attention, Steele?

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2000

Dear Tim, Neil and the other guys whose names I can't remember:

Look, I know Crowded House have officially broken up long ago, but I'm feeling really homesick right now and would like to listen to some good Antipodean music. I've played all your other albums until the neighbours are going crazy. Please won't you get together one more time and work a little Te Awamutu magic?

Love,

Jackie.

-- Anonymous, January 21, 2000

Dear Jello Biafra:

Did you ever show up at that gig in Seattle? It would have been really great to see you, I was practically wetting myself in teenage fanboy anticipation. But it was tricky enough getting _out_ of there, what with the tear gas and hordes of cops and all, so I don't blame you.

It was so great to hear you on that Coldcut album. We need you, man. The nineties are worse than the eighties could ever have been, barring a whoops-wrong-button scenario in the White House. Now look, I know you're not gonna get back together with the rest of the Dead Kennedys - you said that nostalgia was death and I respect that - but could you find some other simpatico punk band and do an album with them, like you did with Nomeansno and DOA? Are those guys still around?

Please, man. I'm begging here. :)

-- Anonymous, January 21, 2000

I second Weezer, yo.

-- Anonymous, January 21, 2000

Local Austinite whine: I wish Storyville had put out one last record like the first one instead of the sucky last one. I'm glad they broke up, I know it was best for all involved. I'm just sayin'. Also, Charlie Sexton, where are you?

Dittos on Radiohead, Fugees and the Wyclef Ego Bustin'.

And I wish there were more funky earthy girl group records like I've just discovered on this awesome K-TEL compilation I bought at Ross Dress for Less for $5. The Honey Combs! The early Pointer Sisters (pre-suck-80s-ness)! La Belle! So cool...

Moby, please make another record like Play because I do so love that old sweet soul vibe mixed with your heartfelt electronica. So warm, yet so current.

And Prince, whereever you've gone, please come back. I've been missing you since Sign O the Times and you've even made records since then, but I know it wasn't really you...

Peace

mothra

-- Anonymous, January 21, 2000

now that i've gotten thoroughly disgusted with tori amos and ani difranco, they're conspiring to personally affront me by releasing lots of annoying material. ugh. GO AWAY. can't you donate some of that prolific nature to people that deserve it? (jawbreaker, the smiths, and the pixies are fine candidates.)

-- Anonymous, January 23, 2000

Omar - STP has a new song out on the radio. Don't know about an album or not.
And I have waited SO long to hear from Soul Coughing again that I can't be patient much longer. Can they hurry up and create some more funky-groovy-noisy goodness for me? Please?

-- Anonymous, January 23, 2000

Re MB*****yV Emma - sorry, November 1991 to late-January 2000. Can we call it 3000 days for cash?

e.

PS - "contributions" to the new Primal Scream album (due next week) don't count!

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2000

Dear Bad Religion,

I'm convinced I am your only fan in Austin. I know you went to Hawaii to record under the watchful eye of Todd Rundgren and all that but realease the freakin album already and go on tour and play three dates with Dance Hall Crashers and Rancid in Austin and stay at my house and tell me how cool I am and teach me how to play the guitar and take me on tour and make me a total bad ass.

Thanks,

Mical

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2000

Julie -- yeah, apparently I was outbid. Stupid, stupid Scott Weiland. How the hell did he scrape up $16.95?

o.

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2000

E way above - I too would love to see The Smiths reunite, however wide the rift between Morrisey and Marr is. Fortunately, I did get to see them in concert back in 1985, with Billy Bragg opening.

Late 20-somethings? More like mid-30 somethings here! Where's my geritol?

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2000

Just in reply to Jackie's comment about Crowded House - did you know they've released an album about a month ago of unreleased tracks? Here in Australia at any rate.

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2000

Dear Radiohead,

Godspeed! (Hurry Hurry Hurry)

Fitter, Happier, Jon

-- Anonymous, January 26, 2000

Dear Backstreet Boys,

I can hardly wait until your next album! Please hurry, i know it will be your best since Willenium! It's been totally hard waiting for your new album, please make a new one!

Sincerely, Blaine

-- Anonymous, January 31, 2000

Blaine:
I don't know if that plea was in fun, but even if it was, please...don't. They may listen, and that would be tragic.

-- Anonymous, January 31, 2000

Open letter to certain bands:

The Smiths: C'mon guys, get on it. Think of the filthy lucre. We're not talking just thirty-somethings here. There are angsty high school students listening to your stuff, sneering at the so-called freaks in their Korn t-shirts and the preps in their Britney t-shirts. Or something. Get their allowance money.

Killing Joke: Um, anyone here? Mr. Coleman, I'm sure you could have loads of songwriting material from Iraq, the dot com economy, etc. Hell, half of the weirdo DJ continugent would love to remix just one song of youse guys.

XTC: Some of us bought Apple Venus Volume 1. We'd like Volume 2, please.

Mr. Eldritch: If you are so set on ridding any trace of "the g word," why not release a polka album? Sure, little goth kids will still come out in droves, but they won't know what's going on. Or go back to school and be that jaded old German literature professor you've always thought of yourself as. Oh, and speaking of sisters of mercy, Leonard Cohen, where are you?

Werd on MBV and Kate Bush. The two of them collabrating would either baffle the entire world and/or make me die of happiness.

-- Anonymous, April 26, 2000