What goes through your head when you can't sleep?

What cures your insomnia?

-- Anonymous, February 03, 2000

Answers

"What goes through your head when you can't sleep?"

Where the money is going to come from

"What cures your insomnia?"

Thinking in vivid animation and in slow motion (while lying in bed, of course) the act of peeling an orange.

-- Anonymous, February 03, 2000

"I'm still awake."

"What time is it? I should really go to sleep."

"Dammit, I'm still awake."

"I'm itchy."

"How DOES Barry manage to sprout eight elbows in his sleep?!?"

"Hot... itchy... too many covers."

"I'm still awake."

"Cold! Cold! Where are the covers?"

"Why am I still awake?"

"I'm going to be useless in the morning... oh, well, it IS morning, technically..."

I stay up until I'm really dead tired. Sometimes I have some wine before bed, which really isn't the best way of dealing with it. I just tried some Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime something or other, they're herbal capsules with valerian and stuff, and they seemed to work pretty well.

-- Anonymous, February 03, 2000

I lie there and wonder what I forgot to do at work that day that will bite me in the ass the next morning if I don't do it the second I walk in the door.

I look at the clock.

I wonder if there's any meat in the freezer I can defrost for dinner the next night. I'm not sure, so I go check. There is. I take the puppy out for an unscheduled potty break and get her all excited that I'm up, and then feel guilty because I have to put her back in her cage so I can go lay down again.

I look at the clock.

I wonder if my next payday will fall on a Friday or Monday, because if it's Monday, we're fucked. I go check the calendar. It's Monday. We're fucked.

I look at the clock and say "Oh, Shit".

I remember that I only have a few days left to buy a wedding present for my dad, a birthday present for my dad, and a birthday present for his soon-to-be wife who I have never met. Then I wonder how I should pick out a gift for someone I have never met. Then I remember that I have at least heard her voice, and I know that due to 40 years of smoking she now sounds like George Burns, and she scared the shit out of me when she ansered dad's phone. I decide to buy her a year's supply of throat lozenges and hope for the best.

I look at the clock, and start to panic.

I flip around, and sit up occasionally looking for a cat that I can coax to come lay by me for some petting. Can't find one.

I start to think back to when we closed on our house in July, and thought I remembered something about having to file some certain papers on it before we do our taxes. My heart races when I realize that I have no idea what it was I was supposed to do, and it may be too late to do whatever it was now.

I look at the clock and feel like I'm going to wet the bed. Get up and try to make pee-pee, but no luck. Just a tingly bladder caused by stress. Then I wonder if I am really 30, or if perhaps there had been some mistake in my records and I was actually 80, which would explain a lot of the problems with my body.

I count to ten to calm myself, and think of fish swimming peacefully in a tank, just like Bob's in that Petstore.com commercial. I start to drift off to sleep.

Cat jumps onto hip and wants attention. I'm awake. I pet half-heartedly because suddenly I barely have the energy to lift my arm. Other cat jumps up too, and first cat gets mad and hisses, then peels off my hip, drawing blood.

I look at the clock, and think to myself that I can still get by on 3 hours of sleep. I've done it before.

I get up and try to boot up the computer that has been broken and dead for a month, desperate to play Slingo. Nothing. I go back to bed.

I decide enough is enough, and I resort to my foolproof method of falling asleep. I choose a horrible incident from childhood, something that I handled poorly and regretted ever since. I replay the whole even in my head, only this time I do and say everything right and the outcome is perfect. No one's feelings get hurt and no one looks like a dork. I fall asleep with a smile on my face whenever I mentally go back and right a wrong from my past.

-- Anonymous, February 03, 2000

I think not being able to sleep is the worst thing in the world.

In my head: ....shit! I need to pay the bills....... what if we never have enough money to buy a house..... I miss my mom....... I need to call my grandparents......damn, steve is hogging the bed..... what time is it? 2:30? Okay if I go to sleep right now I can still get 5 hours...... maybe I won't shower..... no I have to shower.....I won't wash my hair.....gross.......OK if I decide what to wear now I can sleep in for another fifteen minutes......Are my black tights clean?.....I need to iron my white shirt.....What time is it?......3:30?......shit.shit.shit.......look at steve, sleeping like a baby.....I want to pinch him.....no that's bad....I really want to pinch him....

and on and on and on and on.

Tylenol PM use to cure my insomnia. But the last time I took it, I woke up in the middle of the night having some sort of panic attack. My heart was racing and I felt like I had just drank forty cups of coffee with too much sugar. I seriously thought I was having some sort of attack, it was awful. I was crying hysterically. So I won't take it anymore and it sucks because that use to be my savior.

-- Anonymous, February 03, 2000

I really don't think I was meant to sleep before 3 or 4 AM. I try to conform though. The rest of my family has a normal sleep schedule, and mom sleeping until noon just doesn't work. Plus, it's really stressful to have to get dressed and try to look decent before showering because I have to pick my sick child up from school.

I try a warm bath almost every night. I read boring books. I drink herbal tea. I try really hard to turn off my brain chatter, but I still can't help but think about the laundry that needs done, people I need to call, checks I need to write, money I don't have, and most recently, the peeling paint on my bathroom ceiling.

Last night, I was scraping paint after my warm bath at 2 AM. The steam helps the paint come off really well. I did that, thinking the whole while how stupid I am for scraping the ceiling when I should be sleeping and how my kids are probably having nightmares from all the noise I'm making.

Today, I have to wash my bedding, because paint flecks stuck to my just-bathed body. I don't have any cures for insomnia or shutting my brain down, but I do have some advice. Don't scrape your bathroom ceiling in the middle of the night.

-- Anonymous, February 03, 2000

Completely unproductive fear in head coupled with physical exhaustion. So I lie there and lie there and worry and fret but cannot for the life of me get out of bed and do a damn thing. I hate that thing about not lying in your bed for more than 20 minutes because my bed rules and is very safe and I could lie there for hours. And that I do until I remember the antidote which is called Ambien, an effective little pill that I can take until about 4 a.m. After that getting up becomes harder than if I had never slept.

I used to get very mad at my ex-boyfriend who could sleep on command and who was known to smile, even laugh, in his sleep. So I would wake him up or talk to friends in other time zones.

Then we broke up and I got the magic pills. Also a big book of history that can work.

-- Anonymous, February 03, 2000

Wow, it's one o'clock. We're in bed early tonight. Damn it, Fitz is scratching at the door. Why does he have to sound so pitiful? Josh is so mean, my kitty should be allowed to sleep with us. I'm just goig to cuddle Josh for a minute and then I'll go sleep on the couch with my kitty.

Gah, there's six inches of carpet missing from under the bedroom door. Does the cat think he's going to dig his way in? Poor little guy. Shoot, I forgot my pillow.

Aw, look at him all cuddled up on my feet. See? That's all he wanted. Just a little love. But now I can't move my legs. Oh well, I'll just stay real still and try to relax and maybe they'll stop tingling. Hey! I just got a great idea for a website! And look! My computer is oh-so conveniently located near the couch. I can't resist, I have to check my email. But wait, I can't move, the kitty's on my legs. I can't tell if he's purring or if my legs are asleep. I'll just move my legs out from under him reeeeaaall sloooo- ouch! hey you little shit, don't claw me! I'll do whatever I want with my legs. Bitch.

I've been in bed for an hour and a half and I don't have any email? Doesn't anyone love me anymore? I'm just going to write this idea down and then I'm going to go back to bed with Josh. I can hear him breathing in hear. He sounds so comfortable. Wait, why do I have REM songs running through my head? I didn't hear any REM today. Maybe I'll put the cd on while I write down this idea.

Just as soon as I finish this little photoshop sketch I'll go to bed. Oh yeah, I want to play that Andy Kaufman song again. I haven't heard it enough on the radio lately. Fitz, don't climb into my lap, you'll get all comfy and then I won't be able to move for...

Thank god he got hungry and got off my lap. Ok, I'm turning off the monitor. I'm going to bed n- hey! Was that my email sound? Did someone send me a message? I have to know! Oh look, Kristen wrote me a nice long letter. I'd better write her back before I forget....

Lather, rinse, repeat. I don't sleep much at night.

-- Anonymous, February 03, 2000

pamie, maybe what your subconscious is trying to tell you is that 3am is the exact perfect time to call AT&T again. If they won't help you then, at least the endless time on hold might lull you to sleep. But I'm guessing the operators are just sitting around waiting for some cranky insomniac to call.

-- Anonymous, February 03, 2000

My husband only snores when I'm really, really tired. So I lay there and play the 5 minute game. "If he doesn't stop in 5 minutes I'll go to the couch." Then 5 minutes later "Okay I swear to God I'll go to the couch in 5 minutes". It's not like he has some nice rhythmic snore that could lull me to sleep. It's a series of wheezes, gasps, sputters and choking. If I give in and get up, I swear the second I leave the bedroom he stops. So I'll sit at the computer for a while with nothing but dead silence coming from the bedroom. After doing the head bob on my keyboard I go back to bed. Then the second my head touches the pillow he starts in again. Some nights when it's really bad I lay there and think about what I'd use his life insurance for if he died. But realisticly, I think it's me he's trying to kill.

-- Anonymous, February 03, 2000

I believe that I have the WORST short term memory...in actuality, I really don't think I do, but when its 11:30at night, you've been for an hour trying to sleep and you have to wake up at 5 the next morning, all your problems are multiplied like three billion percent. So what do I think about? Well, chemistry, homework I haven't done, research papers that are due in three weeks, college (still a year and half off, but my friends are worrying me), debate, work, cleaning my room, washing my clothes, if I offended a close friend that day, etc. It'll go on and on forever. But getting back to the memory thing: all of a sudden I'll shoot up in bed and remember something I have to do in the morning and frantically grab a pen (which I keep on my nightstand for such occasions) and scribble some gibberish onto my hand so I'll rmember. Kinda works...then I fall asleep:)

-- Anonymous, February 03, 2000

With me, it's not the mental, but the physical that keeps me awake. Like last night:

I'm lying there, not able to bunch the covers up between my legs or steal the extra pillow to put there, because Steph is taking them both up. I can't blame him for that, because he has a right to his side and his half of the covers, and his pillow. But as I'm fussing about, not able to get comfortable, I realise that I have gotten REALLY used to sleeping like that... that I now can't sleep without a big cuddly pillow. And hugging Steph isn't working, cause it's warm under these two puffy blankets and too cold in the room to go without them. Sweating or shivering while trying to sleep is not going to help my situation. So I get myself all tangled up in both my pyjamas and my covers, and start to get REALLY frustrated. I HATE not being able to sleep. Steph wakes up now, because I'm fussing so much, and offers me his pillow to calm me down. I can't take it, because that's just mean... but he bunches some of the covers into the middle so I can get a leg around them... and I am INSTANTLY CALMED. It was weird. All of a sudden, with the simple act of hugging covers between my legs and arms, I was on my way to sleep. I'm insane.

-- Anonymous, February 03, 2000

lindsay, you are so not insane. i do the exact same thing with my covers (i think of it like turtles arranging themselves in the water and sun to be perfectly comfortable. see, its evolution baby!) when i really cant sleep, which is often, i force myself to sit up and meditate for at least fifteen minutes, which is soooo fucking hard when you just want to sleep, but if i really concentrate its enough to calm me down and let me drift off.

-- Anonymous, February 03, 2000

I worry about everything, and I mean everything. Money. School. Work. How involved my taxes are going to be this year. The fact that I have to go car shopping to replace my 13-year-old clunker. Whether I'll ever again find anyone who loves me. Whether there's enough milk in the fridge to get me through my next regularly- scheduled grocery trip, or if I'll have to make a special stop. None of this is productive at 2 in the morning, but it's all bouncing around my brain. To fight it, I usually read; I feel like hell the next morning, but at least my stack of books gets smaller.

-- Anonymous, February 03, 2000

I find that mental activity keeps me awake at night. Specifically, trying to remember things, like old childhood memories, or lists of movies I like, or something, will keep me awake. Some nights I get all nostalgic and start thinking about pleasant memories, or I'll try to make a list, and that will keep me up for hours. I have to tell myself to stop thinking about that stuff.

As for going to sleep: trying to read my journal articles for the classes I'm taking ALWAYS puts me to sleep these days. Unfortunately, they usually put me to sleep in the middle of the day in my office! And I usually don't have them with me at home. But when I do, and I'm having insomnia, I sometimes think, "Oh, as long as I'm awake, I could do some reading," and then I'll try, and it'll put me right to sleep. Or, if I start reading them with the intention of trying to bore myself to sleep, they'll often keep me awake. I never win.

What often works better, for me, is to get up and go have a nice big glass of milk. Then go back to bed. Suddenly the bed feels much more comfortable, and I'll go to sleep a few minutes later.

-- Anonymous, February 03, 2000

Oh, another thing that works for me is, when I get in really late, to NOT LOOK AT THE CLOCK. I avoid looking at it at all costs. That way, when I get up the next morning, I can trick myself into thinking I had a decent night's sleep, even if I only had two hours. Don't you hate it when your brain wakes you up in the middle of the night? Or, like, 2 minutes before your alarm is set to go off? ME: Oh my gosh, I just woke up without the alarm! It's bright outside! I MUST HAVE SLEPT THROUGH MY ALARM! Shit shit shit!--
Oh, it's just 15 minutes before the alarm goes off. Freakin' weird. VOICE #1: Hey, you're awake, you might as well get up and get to school early for once. It's obvious your body has had enough sleep. Cmon, lazy ass! Up up! VOICE #2: Nah, forget about that. Let's snooze a little more. You always set your alarm too early anyway. It's obvious that since you've had enough sleep, it'll be much easier to wake up when the alarm goes off. I've since learned, several times, that Voice #2 is a BIG FAT LIAR. It is always very hard for me to wake up to the alarm if my body woke itself up earlier that morning. Voice #2 is EVIL. Voice #2 is the DEVIL. I'm warning you now: do not listen to Voice #2! On the other hand, I've never listened to Voice #1, so I don't know if he speaks the truth either!

-- Anonymous, February 03, 2000

The most ridiculous things keep me up. I'll like awake for hours trying to remember who sings "Insane in the Membrane" because I've had the song in my head for weeks.. or the name of my freshman year roommate's boyfriend, because someone asked me.

Sometimes I'll dream about my boyfriend and myself, and wake up in a COMPLETE panic because I think I broke up with him... I've called him more than once the day after saying something like: So, we broke up yesterday? He'll reply: Huh? and I'll realize it was a dream... I'm so dumb sometimes.

-- Anonymous, February 03, 2000

I always sleep. I nearly never "cannot sleep". I can sleep anytime anywhere. I can sleep in a box or with a fox. I can sleep here or I can sleep there. Thank you Dr Seuss. This is precisely the problem. I hate getting up. I'd rather sleep. All day. Everyday. Until I've slept in so hard my body aches, and I've woken up needing to expell energy for 2 hours. Then I can go back to sleep. You can all hate me now. My apologies. But I have an insomniac husband. Nipper never sleeps well. He sleeps so badly it shows. And it pains him. So I sympathy sleep. Lots.

-- Anonymous, February 03, 2000

...so, this is my geekiest response ever...when I can't sleep I start thinking about fixing code bugs --- sometimes [when I'm half-asleep and half-awake] I'd start mumbling about the "perfect template" and other nerdy stuff...Kevin used to get a kick out it...

...what kept me up last night?...thinking about needing a new monologue for an upcoming audition --- I think I mentally skimmed every play I have in my memory banks...

-- Anonymous, February 03, 2000

here's my solution: ear plugs and clozipen (sp?)... great little pill that lets your brain stop chattering. ahhh.... (oh- and it's a good idea to have a spare bed(room) for your sig. other to sleep in.) haha

-- Anonymous, February 03, 2000

it's almost anything that gets me started. but the difference between worrying and insomniac worrying is that the latter turns into worrying that i should be sleeping and i can't stop. after about 5 mins of that, i have to get up and change my thinking; i'm not going to be able to stop it.

sometimes the change i need is physical - i go to the couch and lay on it, even tho its uncomfortable - lots of time i can sleep like this.[part of my worrying that i can't sleep is that i'll keep my wife from sleeping by my tossing and turning]. other times i turn up or down the room temp. i try to think about repetitive things that last about 20 minutes - side 2 of "abbey road". the parade east 34th st bus ride from my old high school to home. sex.

-- Anonymous, February 03, 2000

I guess money keeps me awake a lot. I freak out when I can't pay the bills when the bills are due and I make enough money to do it but where does the money go? HMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.........Also my husband causes me to have insomnia lately just because he confuses me . Like "I'm tired of you and your mouth and I'm slamming out the door but I'll come home and treat you the same sweet way that I treated you yesterday and I'm gonna be real surprised when I come home and you won't talk to me because after all, what I said this morning has no bearing on the way I feel tonight. Tonight I love you and I really don't know why you won't talk to me." maybe I have PMS or something. "Something "would be the correct statement. Sleeping on the couch far away from you would be another. Chaos causes my insomnia. And mean comments from people who get their asses kissed would

-- Anonymous, February 03, 2000

Songs running through my head, the water dripping from the ceiling (though now that there's a gaping hole there, the dripping has slowed), construction, my roommate snoring, the thought that I have to do something tomorrow, waiting and hoping that the phone will ring, hearing the cool e-mail noise from my computer and wondering just who e-mailed me and is it important and should I check it out now, the blinking message light on my phone, hunger... I could go on...

Cures? NyQuil. Creating a cool little imaginary scenario that I can daydream in until I'm truly dreaming.

-- Anonymous, February 03, 2000

if you thought you're bad..

"you're never gonna fall asleep" "yes I will" "it's 3am" "well!!" "school's in 3 hours" "it's friday" "well... you know you hate to wake up in 1pm" "no, that's you" "you" "me?" "yes, you" "whatever" "I'm uncomfortable." "I've sadly noticed" *fall asleep* "WAKE UP!!!!" "is it 10am already?" "3:30am" "then why am I up?" "I'm uncomfortable again" "there. now I'm never gonna fall asleep" "I know" "I DONT WANNA WAKE UP IN 2PM!!" "see? I told you it's you" "so am I really gonna fall asleep when everyone wakes up?" "yes" "okay just wanna be prepared" "they're also gonna stare at you" "I know" "and they're gonna promise to wake you up in 10am but you'll wake up in 3pm" "I know that too" "and you're never gonna fall asleep again" "I know" "and school is on sunday" "I know" "*yawn*" "THERE! you can sleep now!!" "*SCREAM*" "not." *fall asleep* "MORNING SUNSHINE!" "it's 10am!" "5am" "do you think saying I slept next to the computer will work?" "no" "didn't think so." "uncomfortable" "suffer" "no you will" "yes I know" "WELL!" "STOP IT!" *noises of door opening* ~MAY? you're awake?! not again~ "it's all your fault" "HAHAHAHAHAAH"

-- Anonymous, February 04, 2000

Lately I have not been sleeping good due to stress : I'm getting married in a year and I am a constant worry wort, needless to say I worry about : "God, Where are we going to get married at? Every place costs so much. I wish my parents would just let us elope, it would be so much easier. How the hell can he sleep? If he doesn't quit snoring, I'm going to smother him with the pillow. UUGGHHH! I wish we could just disappear for awhile, get married, and when we came back, no one would care that we didn't have a wedding because we're back." Or the constant one : "I have got to get a better job. I have so many bills that need to be paid. If I get my raise on my next check, I can pay off a bill or two. Maybe I should just take some money out of my stocks and pay off some bills. Maybe if I get a second job it would be easier. Can't get a second job. I am never going to get out of debt."

what can I say, I love to worry.

-- Anonymous, February 04, 2000

Hey, MaterialGirl:

"I wish my parents would just let us elope"

"LET" you elope? What can they do, take away your birthday if you run off and elope? I say go for it!!!

-- Anonymous, February 04, 2000

Material Girl,

Just wanted to pop in and say that Charlie and I eloped 3 years ago, and we still agree that it was the best decision we could have made. All the planning I was trying to do was based on a miniscule budget, and I was getting really depressed and stressed out by the whole thing. We finally decided to just do it, went to the next state over that didn't have a waiting period, and got hitched. We told our family and friends when we got back. Our parents might have been a little disappointed at first, because they didn't get to see it, but we could pretty much hear a collective sigh of relief from anyone who thought they were going to have to make some kind of financial contribution.

All of my friends who have had large or even medium sized weddings, said that they were so nervous and had so much going on, that they weren't able to enjoy the actual wedding at all. Most of them even said that they didn't remember most of it, and when they watched the video later it was like watching someone else's wedding - they felt so far removed from it all. Eloping felt really personal, because it was our secret, and we didn't have to worry about making anyone happy but ourselves and each other. The burden of deciding who sits by who at the reception, worrying which family member will get drunk and disorderly, sweating over the enormous expenses that would be better spent on other things was no longer something we needed to be concerned about. The only thing I missed was wearing the white gown, but when I think of the money I saved on that too, I feel better.

Just I'd throw in my 2 cents, since I can speak from experience. Good luck to you!

-- Anonymous, February 04, 2000

On the flip side Material Girl.......

Steve and I got married in July. I stressed for a year and a half about the details of our wedding. But I wouldn't have it any other way. Everyone had such a wonderful time. My mother looked beautiful. Steve cried during his vows and all my friends and relatives were witness to my sweet emotional husband. Etc. Etc. Etc. so many good memories. Not to mention a whole album full of beautiful pictures, and a video to remember the details forever.

I do agree with Lisa that a lot of brides are nervous and do not think the day is worth the hell of planning. But I think the key to making sure your day is well worth it is to plan everything, I mean EVERYTHING. I had heard that most brides and grooms don't even eat at their own weddings. I made sure it was in the schedule that Steve and I would eat first. We also skipped a lot of traditions. Instead of leaving and having everyone send us off, we stayed and danced and drank our asses off until the very end. We weren't rushed and we enjoyed ourselves. As for the money issues, you can find a way around everything. My good friend is getting married this coming July. She can't afford to spend very much so she is planning a Luau. Totally cool and casual and cost effecient!

Believe me, I look at the video and say, "who's that?" "she was there?". It was a crazy day. But I planned so well I wasn't nervous (the actual day, I mean) at all.

-- Anonymous, February 04, 2000

Thanks guys for the advice and "two cents" as the saying goes. :) The reason my parents won't "let" us elope is because I'm the baby of the family and I guess my dad really wants to give me away "in style". I don't know. I want the whole wedding dress and dad give me away thing, but I am so not having any fun and it's only the beginning. I don't have to pay for anything and that bothers me. I keep offering to help and my dad won't hear of it. It's just very stressful.

I'm glad I know who to turn to for advice now, though! You guys are great!

-- Anonymous, February 04, 2000

Material Girl, the first part of the wedding plan is the most painful. It gets better. Once you make the big decisions, it's downhill from there. For us, it was RELIGION. His family was Catholic, mine wasn't, neither of us cared.....we practically got disowned, but somehow it all clicked into place the closer we got to the wedding. Keep your chin up. It'll be worth it in the long run.

-- Anonymous, February 04, 2000

Wow, meditation -- Caitlin, you are so groovy. (Thanks for being my parner in blanket crime, by the way.)

-- Anonymous, February 04, 2000

Okey doke first things: Material Girl -- have fun! My hubby and I planned our whole wedding and paid for it. We sat down and decided what was really important to us. We wanted people to LIKE being at our wedding. We found a place that could do everything. We had a breakfast brunch and an open bar. We did not have a professional photographer and let me tell you how much money THAT saves. We had a friend with a good camera take the pics and I am constantly reminded by other people's wedding how great that was. We can make a million copies of anything anyone wants for 23cents at WalMart and quite frankly, my brother paid $1,000 for a photographer and the only picture he and my sister-in-law like enough to have in their house is a b/w I took of the 2 of them in a candid moment. Trust me on that.

What keeps me awake at night? Before I started taking Paxil it was panic attacks, thinking about death most of the time (LOVE being obsessive complusive). I kept a copy of "Stone Butch Blues" next to my bed and would just open it to a page and start reading until I calmed down enough to sleep. Now that I do not have the stress of work I sleep when I am tired and wake up when my hubby does for work. I cannot sleep if he is not at home. The second he walks in the door I can fall asleep in a second. Weird I know.

Now it's money that keeps me up. "Where will we get the $10,000 for his surgery? We will be able to ever to afford to try to have kids? Insemination is expensive." or "Why don't we know someone we trust enough to ask them to donate sperm?" All things I can do nothing about. I usually make myself get up and I cruise the web until my eyes are drooping I am so exhausted. I am lucky to be a housewife now so if I am up until 5am (which is common) I am ok.

-- Anonymous, February 04, 2000

bad back since age 12 - pain wakes me, get up walk around a bit, sit for a short while, go back to bed. if tylenol doesn't help, i am not allowed any other pain medication.

the non stop perpetual motion of my brain is a hummer. i try to resolve or get a temporary fix on a situation before i go to bed. if i am over hyped from a very enjoyable occasion, it is hard to go to sleep. a sudden inspiration just as sleep is approaching is sure to get me up until i can make a note, so as to take care of it.

-- Anonymous, February 07, 2000

"who is that?" "where's my cat?" "what is this man doing in my bed?" "where's the kitty?" "if i hit the body next to me and no one yells, am i asleep, or is he asleep?" "oh, the kitty is on my tummy, sleep now."

-- Anonymous, February 07, 2000

Better question is to ask me what doesn't go through my head at night. Blech.

I usually listen to some music or watch a movie on tv or surf the Net until I feel like actually sleeping. I used to take Melatonin to sleep, but I don't use that as a crutch anymore.

-- Anonymous, February 09, 2000

Annoying enough (not for me, but for those who suffer from insomnia), I tend to be able to sleep anywhere at any time. I tend to be dysthymic (a type of depression), but even when it is bad, I sleep. If anything, I sleep more. I can sleep in a train, in the rain, on a plane, in a box, with a fox, wearing socks (not not). I can drink two or three caffeinated beverages and pop right off. I've slept in cars. I've almost fallen asleep standing up. I worried that I was narcoleptic for a while, and then realized that I never fell asleep while driving or doing anything exciting, so I probably wasn't narcoleptic, just fortunate.

The thing is, though, I know, deep down, that I'm using up all my Sleep Points. I know that every weekend I sleep in, I'm taking away from a good night's sleep when I'm 80-something years old. Boy, will I be sorry then! I'll be psychotic and ill-tempered from lack of REM sleep and too frail to kick anyone's ass about it.

I used to be able to sleep with lights on and music playing (I even prefered music to be playing) and people randomly walking into my (shared) bedroom (in college). There were traffic and train noises and people being inconsiderate of light sleepers, and I slept like the dead. Nowadays, my superpowers are fading and music and lights will bother me if I try to go to bed too early or sleep too much.

I'm not complaining, mind, but I see where this is all heading. It's not going to be pretty.

Disturbances to my sleep have been rare enough that I could probably categorize each one. I'd guess I've had maybe two dozen or fewer sleep-free or sleep-impeded nights in my life. I usually spend the time praying to die and sending out warm, sympathetic vibes to those who have to deal with this sort of thing regularly. It's like migraines...I've had two or three my entire life (only) and I wanted to gouge my eyes out. While throwing up and praying for death, I experienced great empathy and sorrow for those who have migraines frequently. (I have a friend in San Francisco who has them nearly weekly.) I can only vaguely relate to the main character in _Pi_, but it brought back my migraine experiences, and meagre (thank goodness) as they have been and vaguely relating was enough.

Insomnia, for me, is usually due to trauma that can't be ignored long enough for me to trick my brain into going to sleep and worrying about it later, like Scarlett O'Hara ("Tomorrow is a new day!"). I vividly recall being up all night before an algebra test that my entire life seemed to hinge on, and I had struggled to make sense of it all year and it wasn't going to suddenly *click* the night before the big exam. So I had x + y this and b squared and square root that goign through my head and, when I stopped thinking about THAT, I had vivid mental movies about the beating I would get when report cards arrived. Not a good night, all in all. (And I ended up failing algebra by 8/10ths of a point and repeating it the next year, and since my parents were big into beating sense into you, so I had a sore behind for a while as well.)

I recall a few sleepless nights anticipating GOOD things, like Christmas. I was never up all night, though, and after age 8 or so, that nonsense stopped.

I, understandably, failed to get a good night's sleep when my father died, when my maternal grandfather died, and when my three most serious and most recent romantic relationships went bust. I was preoccupied with feeling bad, though, so it wasn't true insomnia.

I also gave myself some sleepless nights when I took an antidepressant, per nurse's orders, before going to bed. This made me shake and twang like an out of tune zither all night and I was on speakign terms with every sore muscle in my body, plus I was still depresseed because I was forced to think about what made me so depressed as opposed to self-medicating with unconsciousness (sleep). Went through three sleepless nights in a row and I was eyeing sharp implements in an altogether unhealthy manner. When I started pilling myself in the morning, that helped enormously. I'm no longer on them, but I know that if I should start medicating again, I can;t take them before bedtime.

On a related note, I haven't had nightmares since college. I used to have horrible ones. I was able to sleep, see, but I couldn't get any REST. I recall having a nightmare when I was a preschooler, and it involved the "insides of people" (meaty, nasty, mostly dead people, apaprently) chasing me up the hall of our house. I hadn't actually seen a skeleton at that point, so I don't know where my subconscious picked up on what the insides of people would look like. It was horrible, though. They only got worse and worse. Finally, after a particularly gruesome nightmare when I was a sophomore, I sat up in bed and said, with great frustration, that I'd had enough and that I didn't want to work out things with nightmares anymore, and I suppose I was firm enough about it that it worked. I can't explain why. I do still have unpleasant dreams, but they're malleable. If I don't like a choice my dream-self has made (and my dream-self tends to do exactly what I'd do in most circumstances and sometimes that means the wrong thing) or where things are going, I put the brakes on and pick another choice or stop the unpleasantness. It's semi-lucid, I guess. I can keep shuffling through outcomes until I pick one I can live with, then the dream progresses to its new & acceptable outcome. If my suconscious is trying to work through something, it gets to do that, I get to try on new modes of crisis-time behavior safely via my dream-self and I don't wake up in a sweat.

I have so much crap dumped on me during waking hours that I'm very protective and adamant about my sleep. I'm also fairly hard on myself and constantly evaluating my behavior and interactions with people, so perhaps my subconscious (or whatever would interfere with my sleep or give me nightmares) gets exhausted with all the navel-gazing that goes on during the day. (I understand I'm a decent person, all in all, not that this matters and not that the people telling me this aren't biased in my favor.)

All in all, I'm no expert, but either giving up for a while and writing or getting some water helps when I do have trouble sleeping. I've also tried playing relaxation tapes with visualization exercises and those are pretty good, though I do resist them and make mocking commentary to myself while they are playing...I bore myself to sleep, I guess.

-- Anonymous, February 09, 2000

what keeps me up at night? in a word: fear. i'm afraid someone will break into my house and kill my family members. i have to stay awake and guard them. and what if one of those crazy drivers who're going much, much faster than the posted 35 mph lose control and slam their car into our house: into my mom's room? i have to stay awake so i can call 911. i have to try to protect and defend my family. okay, maybe it's not fear; maybe i'm paranoid. but that's why i stay awake.

what goes through my head? all the crap i mentioned above. it gets worse as the hours go by. by the time i finally succumb to exhaustion, or pass out, i'm not sure which, the whole world has exploded and i'm the only one who can save my family.

what cures my insomnia? if i remember to take it in time: melatonin!

sleep tight!

-- Anonymous, February 10, 2000

I work third shift, so I have to sleep during the day. What keeps me up? HA! Let's see: busses, chainsaws, hammers, children on the playground across the street, roommates chunking dishes around in the sink without actually washing them, the phone ringing, the Texas heat, wondering if I've screwed up and gotten drunk and slept through a show- you know, the usual.

What cures it? I can either have my girlfriend next to me or a glass of wine and a bowl inside of me.

-- Anonymous, February 16, 2000