How do you know? How did you know when you were doing the right thing? Have you ever really been in love?

-- Anonymous, February 28, 2000

Answers

I moved from Boston to Connecticut for a job. My boyfriend was very, very upset with me for leaving, although he understood that I needed to get a better job.

We both cried and cried when he got ready to leave after helping me move. I didn't know what to do at first; I was so lonely without him. I made lots of new friends and was busy, but I didn't feel right if I didn't talk to him before I went to sleep.

We made sure to get together on the weekends - a three hour drive each way - and it soon became clear to both of us that we wanted to be together more than we wanted to be apart. So... he looked for a job there too. The long and the short of it is that we got married a couple of years later... we simply decided that we made a good team.

No, I was never sure. I had many doubts along the way. I knew I loved him, but I didn't know if that would stand up to years of togetherness. But we care so deeply that it was always impossible to imagine being apart forever.

Now, mind you, it didn't feel the way I thought it would when I was little and reading fairy tales - "happily ever after" - it isn't like that. It has its wonderful times and its dreadful times. But then wine doesn't taste like grape juice, either, like I always thought it would when I was younger.

I guess my point is, it's different for everyone. My sister had more of a "love at first sight" experience with her husband, but it wasn't like that for me at all.

I feel totally comfortable and at home with my husband - where ever we are. I know I will always have his support and caring and love - and he has mine. We fell in love quickly, and that infatuation has deepened and matured over time. It is a fabulous feeling, and I never expected it would be so fulfilling.

I could also put it this way: we had the inital sparks of infatuation, and have carefully nurtured those sparks to become an enduring flame.

-- Anonymous, February 28, 2000

I don't know that I have an answer...but I've been through most of what's in your last entry, oddly enough. And I'm still with him. Almost eight years now. Some years we're living together, and some years we're living near each other, and some years we're in different states, and then hey, we're living together again. Sometimes he needs a lot of space to be alone. Sometimes I need a little. But on the whole, we're still pretty damn happy when we're together (and even when we're not in the same place, we're still together).

Maybe that's all it is. Are you still happy to be together?

-- Anonymous, February 28, 2000

My boyfriend is in the Navy, meaning that after four years of dating, we have another 4 years where we can't hope to even live in the same city. I'm in Austin now, he's in Virginia. Each time it gets tougher to leave because we've actually built a more solid foundation by being apart and learning new things about ourselves that we help each other discover.

We take the hard way, by choice. The easy thing would be to break it off and not risk the heartache and heartbreak of a long, long time apart. But we take the tough path because we choose to, because we'd rather be together (despite geography) and struggle through rocky times than break things off. Bits and pieces of your entry, Pamie, helped me verbalize those thoughts to him. Thanks. And I'm glad your heart is healing.

-- Anonymous, February 28, 2000

I've been on both sides of the equation, and I never know which is harder -- being the one to kind of wait and hope and wonder what you might have done to make the other person question everything (it's nearly impossible not to put it on yourself, even when they say "no, it's not you, it's me"), or being the one to start questioning and wondering if things are "right" and knowing that this person who cares for you so much is waiting for you to make some kind of decision.

It's really hard for relationships to continue feeling right for a long, long time. Everything ebbs and flows, ups and downs, all of that. I don't really believe people when they say they've never had a fight or problems in a relationship. Maybe that in itself is a problem, since putting two people together is like an invitation for struggle, even if it's a struggle of two people against the world. I think every relationship HAS to have bumps in the road, because that's how they grow. You go through shit together and it really goes make the relationship stronger. You've weathered storms and fought battles and shed blood together. You're Relationship Survivors. It's terrifying sometimes, but it's so rewarding when things do work out.

The scary thing is that I think it gets harder the older you get. Your expectations rise, your personality solidifies and it's harder and harder to change your life to accomodate the whole of another person. < p> o.

-- Anonymous, February 28, 2000

OK, the first time I knew I was in love, was when I was visiting this guy in Indiana for a week, and I wanted to spend every second with him and I loved being with him more than I had ever loved being with another person, ever.

Then the second time I knew I was in love was when I decided I wanted to move in with this guy in Seattle, because I loved him so much that I wanted us to be part of each other's lives forever.

Then the third time I knew I was in love was actually pretty recent. I'd been talking about some relationship stuff in my online journal, and then some jerks posted a bunch of crap in my forum, and I thought about it for a few days and realized that I don't want to write stuff about my relationship anymore, because nobody else's comments on it really matter to me. It's mine, it's personal, it belongs to me and my boy and nobody else, and whether the comments are good or bad, I just don't care to hear them. They're not relevant to my situation. And if I don't want comments on a particular aspect of my life, well, I guess I shouldn't be writing it out there for the world to see and comment on, huh?

That might sound like a stupid way to realize you're in love, but it's really true for me.

It was the same guy all three times, by the way.

-- Anonymous, February 28, 2000

What did I do for love? Well, I moved in with him, then moved to a new state with him, then married him. Then, when he decided he didn't love me any more, and was obviously totally miserable being married, I let him go without making his life hell in the courts.

I'm a better, and stronger, person for having loved someone deeply, even though it didn't last a lifetime. I still have hope.

And I bet I'm not the only one who was crying at work again because of a Pamie column. This time, though, unlike with the Lilith column, it was happy tears.

-- Anonymous, February 28, 2000

I love the sense of calm and contentment I get from just being in my boyfriend's presence. No matter what turmoil's going on in my life or even just in my head, I sit with him and then there descends an eerie sense that everything will work out and I'll still be standing. He gives me strength, but he also somehow helps me tap into my own inner fortitude. Very cool, very special. just like him.

-- Anonymous, February 28, 2000

I don't have a big story. I'm not sure I've ever been really in love. I think I was. Once. And I made some big sacrifices for it.

All I really want to say is that I'm glad (no, that word isn't strong enough) that things are more settled. I was so worried, wished there was something I could do, but I know how it feels to have to work through something all on your own. Nothing anyone could say would have helped. But we were all here, hoping everything would be alright.

You were missed, but I understood. If there's one thing I wish, it's that I could hug you both. I'm so relieved.

Thetis

-- Anonymous, February 28, 2000

When my husband and I met we were both dating other people. And it wasn't "love at first sight", but it was "love at first conversation". Not that he wasn't gorgeous, but I wasn't looking. But after 20 minutes of conversation, his wit and intelligence and our commonalities hit me in the forehead like a ton of bricks. Neither of us was looking, but both of us were searching. We lived in different cities hours apart...but 3 months later we were living together and a year to the day later we got married. That was 9 1/2 years ago and it just keeps getting better. I'm an optimist, he's a pessimist. He used to be a homebody...but now HE thinks of new places to see. He is my everything.

Oh and I was crying at work too.

AND, I wish I could pass around some hugs too!

love.sarah

-- Anonymous, February 28, 2000

I love my husband of 2 and a half years although I can not be with him. I love everything about him, his laughter, his company, his face, his voice. That is how I fell in love with him from his voice. Across a table at a restaurant 6 years ago I listened to him and realized that I could listen to that voice for the rest of my life, wanted to hear that voice when I am old. But love doesn't know, can not judge the bad stuff a person can be. Because he drinks and doesn't know when to stop I had to leave him, but my heart is still wondering where he is.

Nancey

-- Anonymous, February 28, 2000

well, i had long planned a spring semester in vietnam working at an orphanage and traveling and stuff. the summer before, i met a boy. we fell in love. i knew i didn't really want to leave this boy for a whole semester, but rather than admit that, i went to vietnam anyway. i had already planned this whole trip, and i did not want to change my plans just for a boy. after all, i am an independent kinda gal. the entire time,i was miserable, and everyone knew it. that was when i realized how much this boy means to me. so 2 months later, i came home. this also meant that i had to admit to my entire family and friends how much this boy means to me. so i flew back from the other side of the world for love.

-- Anonymous, February 28, 2000

I know just how you feel. Not really but I do. Your life is just like mine. My experiences are just like yours. We are not different. My advice will help you becuase I know exactly what you mean.

oh please.

Good for you Pamie....way to keep your chin up. Both of you.

I'll save my armchair relationship counselor stuff for the toilet.

-mt

-- Anonymous, February 28, 2000

I'm really in love. We've been married for eight months, dating for four and a half years, best friends for 5 years. He was who I went to when I had problems with other people. I knew I was really in love one night when we had a fight, and I left to find somebody to talk to, and ended up coming back to talk to him. We've both made compromises, to stay in the same place. I knew I was doing the right thing because the person I am when I'm with him is the person I like best in me. If that makes any sense.

It's a good thing my students didn't show up with questions at office hours today to see me crying at the computer! I can't describe how relieved I am. I felt my heart race a little when Pamie picked up the phone, even though I was pretty sure what she'd hear. Best of luck, Pamie, but I don't think you'll need it.

-- Anonymous, February 28, 2000

• cried until i felt physically ill
• made a complete ass of myself
• convinced myself that if i tried hard enough that it would be enough for the both of us
• realized nothing i can do 'will get him back': you have to want to return to a relationship, want to work on it, want to make things better
• hated to come to the conclusion that no matter how much he loves me, misses me, enjoys being with me, that it isn't enough to keep us together
• seen that it hurts him to witness the slow-motion-car-crash my life has been for the last two months
• tried to deal with the fact that we may never be able to really be friends because i still want more
• wanted desperately to close the door on a tidal-wave of emotion and declare myself, free, single, all better, ready-for-action, and then proceeded to hide out in my apartment with a pint of ben and jerry's
• been afraid that i'm never going to 'let myself' fall in love again because i never want to experience the pain of losing it...twice....in four years
• blamed myself for everything
• blamed everyone else for everything

...god, and i could go on...

...i wished for your ending...for me, it's not going to happen --- some days i can deal with it, some days i can't...

...i'm glad you aren't going to have to go through a similar aftermath...i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy; i can't believe i subjected bill to it a year-and-a-half ago...

...best wishes on your path back...and as always, if you need anything, you know where i am...

-- Anonymous, February 28, 2000

Hey there. This isn't a story about personal love, but it is a love story. :)

When I was about eight or nine (I don't know how old, but I was little :) my mom had met this really great guy who loved us kids and loved her and loved everything about our family. He came from a really f-up background, and my mom side's of the family is a pillar of stability, and he really loved that. My mom had gotten a divorce from my biological dad a few years back, and so when she met this guy -- who was sweet to her and sweet to us and really great and smart and strong and decent and not willing to back down for anything -- she thought she'd struck gold.

Then one day I guess he freaked out -- he was twenty-something, she was scraping the roof of thirty and she had four kids. He realized he was young, and she was older, and if he stayed with her he'd probably end up marrying her, and he'd have a hell of a lot more responsibility than he'd had when he was just a single Navy guy with a motorcycle and no one to answer to. So he said he had to leave and get his head clear. He had to move out. He was going away.

And he did.

I remember this very well, because it was the second time in my life someone who I considered a father left me. I can't tell you how much I liked him -- he was a dad to me; he may have always wanted a stable family, but I had always wanted an honest to God father, and I thought he was it. It was weird, seeing him walk out of the house with his clothes and wondering if he'd ever come back.

And y'know what?

He did. And my mom, thank god, took him back.

He's my stepfather, been my stepfather for about fifteen years now, and he's been the best father I could ever ask for. I love him very much. I think I understand, at least remotely, what it is you're going through, Pamie. But if it works out, and if you love him, and if he loves you...well, that's great.

That's all. :) Thank you for posting the explanation...several of us who read your page here at work were really worried about you! :)

-Stephanie Cass

-- Anonymous, February 28, 2000

My husband... *quit a job that he had just started that very week. *gave up a home that he had just moved into the weekend before. *moved acrossed four states to be with me. *took on raising two sons that weren't his. *agreed that my mother could live with us.

If that isn't LOVE, I don't know what is.

-- Anonymous, February 28, 2000

There was a few weeks where I was Eric. My relationship was only six months strong and I met this guy. I liked this guy. He was funny. He made me feel adorable. He was unabashed.

Then he started meeting my friends. I was putting my relationship at bay, holding it off, making excuses. My friends liked this guy. They thought he was funny and cool and a great drinking buddy. I had a crush on this guy.

I went back and forth on my six-months-old relationship with the one I was head over heels in love with. I had told him I loved him and he was the first one I had ever said that to. He waited for me but didn't know what was going on. In my heart, I was cheating.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't continue to hold him at bay, watching his heart break for reasons he didn't know why. I sat on my back porch chain-smoking and crying to myself. I finally made the realization that although I could end my relationship and try things with this new guy I had to be prepared that this existing relationship might not be there for me again. Was I going to throw it away? Was I going to start over? Nope, I could't do it.

I told the new boy that I had a boyfriend (he knew and was waiting for me to fess up -- even smarter man than I realized) and that I had to recommit myself to that relationship. I fessed up to my boyfriend most of the details and we survived. It was really hard to tell him but it wouldn't have been harding for him to hear it from our friends.

Anytime I feel uneasy about our relationship (married now) I think back to my decision and remind myself that it's my choice and my choice is to treasure what I already have.

--

And as for your relationship with Eric -- just "Yea!" from me.

-- Anonymous, February 28, 2000

Oh, girl. I've been through it - and I'm going through it now (just like everybody else, it seems). My ex and I, and this was "the love of my life," are best friends even today - after 4 years apart and several relationships in between.

I am so glad for you and Eric that you have each other. Even if he had called and said he was going to move out for a while - he's your true friend and that's wonderful. You love each other and, no matter what happens, sounds like you always will.

-- Anonymous, February 28, 2000

I've been through it on the other side, and it was REALLY scary and awful. When I met the man who is now my husband, after we'd been going out three months I had a horrible freakout. I was having actual panic attacks because I was falling so deeply in love with him, and it was the most frightening thing imaginable. I was giving him so much power to hurt me, and I was closing off so many other avenues in my life.

After a few weeks of this, I had a horrible dream that he had died. I went to the hospital and they said he was dead, and I spent the rest of the dream emotionally shattered, trying to come to terms with it.

I woke up, realized it wasn't true, and rolled over to the other side of the bed and grabbed him. I cried for a good half hour -- I couldn't stop, even though I knew he was OK.

That was when I knew that I really loved him and that I wanted nothing so much as to be with him. It sounds like Eric had the same kind of experience; sometimes you have to experience loss to understand how much you care about what you have.

-- Anonymous, February 28, 2000

I left a boy in Durango, Colo, during those crazy college years.

I left a boy in Oneida, NY to come back to Colo.

I kicked a boy out of a Denver apartment.

All because I was in love with them, and they didn't have the wherewithall to actually admit to being in love with me at the time. And two out of the three have (desperately) wanted to come back. Still do, though I haven't seen either of them for nine and four years, respectively.

So love is fucked up, and wonderful, and strange. And though I guess I haven't yet found what I'm so thrilled you and Eric have found, I'm SOOOO glad to hear it's out there, baby.

It rocks your world, but when all is said and done, it's absolutely worth it. And for those of us who have not yet found IT, the sex; in the meantime; is a nice consolation prize, right?

-- Anonymous, February 28, 2000

14 total years together, total of 3 marriages and 2 divorces (all to each other), and here we are, still together. It's not often that I'll read something and cry, but reading your entry today did just that. There ARE others that have that kind of relationship, no torrid affairs for us, just give me love, kindness, honesty and trust. I've accepted the fact that I'll follow this man anywhere (and if living in el paso now and moving to korea for two years in a few months isn't love, I don't know what is), and likewise, if he can get the military to agree, he'd follow me as well. Sleep well tonite in the arms of the one you love :)

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

i was very much in love. once. and, to a certain extent, i still am in love with that man. we were so much alike: we liked the same things, disliked the same things, and never, ever fought. we had a house on the beach. it was our shangri-la. our paradise. i still love it, and him, dispite the fact that he betrayed me, and ripped out my heart and stomped on it before leaving me. i can't stop loving him. i recently tried to love someone else, but discovered i am unable to love anyone other than him. he is my soulmate. the only one for me. pamie, i am so very happy for you both! best of luck to you guys! summer girl endlesswords.org

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

No personal stories. I just want to say how proud I am of Eric. It just shows how mature he is in your relationship to be that honest, and how much of a real man he is to be able to face his emotions head on. I'd say you're a lucky woman, Pam, but I know that you deserve each other. God bless you two.

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

Pamie, I'm so glad things are getting back to the way you both want them to be. Even the most perfect couples have to go through growing pains, and I'm impressed by the way that you handled them. Like you said, it's easy to walk away when things get tough, but when you stick it out and make an effort to work through the rough spots that's when you know you have the real thing.

I'm not sure how much I have really done for love, but I have definitely put up with a lot for love. Being together since high school meant that Charlie and I had to watch one another mature. Just like the textbooks say, he matured much more slowly than I did, and I suddenly found myself as an adult putting up with a boyfriend who still acted like a kid. He hung out with the WRONG crowd, got fired from job after job, and acted like he didn't care if I was around or if I wasn't. So finally I decided not to be around. I would start to wonder what else was out there for me, tell Charlie if he didn't shape up I was outta there, and when he didn't protest enough I would venture out into the world to see what I had been missing. This would happen every so often for about 2 years, and every time I would decide that I hadn't really been missing much even though there were good guys out there willing to treat me like a queen, because I just didn't love them like I did Charlie, and I knew I never would. It was the same for him. He could act like it made no difference if I was with him or if I wasn't, but he felt my absence, and it hurt. We always found each other again, and every time we had learned a little more about what we needed from each other. He did shape up, into quite the perfect man, so I'm extremely glad that I had the patience and foresight to stick around. I always knew he was an incredible person, that was why I loved him. The pain he caused me was awful, but I look back on it all as growing pains. Had we not gone through the turmoil, we would not be so happy now. I'm convinced of that.

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

I fully support Pamie's decision to pull yesterday's entry, but I'm also very sorry I missed it. Partly in a People magazine way, I'll admit it, but mostly because I've been having second thoughts about my own relationship (it's long-distance for the moment, and the possibility of moving in order to make it not long-distance is pretty terrifying) as well as about where my life is heading in general. Even though mostly Pamie talks to me and not the other way around, I consider her a friend. I root for her. I like to think that she roots for me. It sounds like she and Eric have had a rough time but are working things out, and I'm glad. That doesn't necessarily mean things will work out for me and my boyfriend, but still. It's nice to hear.

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

what i did for love? i cleaned up the mess his ex girlfriend made when she walked abruptly back into his life after a harrowing and nasty breakup two months earlier. because more than anything else, i can't stand to see him hurt. and sure, it wasn't easy or fun - but i know that it means a lot to him.

and that matters.

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

I gave up my girlfriend for someone who didn't want me.

Gave up my school shortly thereafter, also.

Damn near gave up another school a year later.

Finally, I had to give up the pursuit of this woman or lose every damn thing. That's what I did for love--something (I don't know what) forced me to realize that I had to show some love for myself or I wouldn't have anything left. It's not that I didn't love her enough; she remains one of the most important people in my life to this day. After a point, however, the question became, "What WON'T you do for love?" I found the answer--the hard way.

-- Anonymous, March 01, 2000

I left my entire life and moved three hours away to a place I'd only been a couple of times for love. My friends, my family, my school, my job and my home were all left behind.

How did I know that I loved her? Well, I don't think it was because I couldn't stand the thought of not being with her, or of losing her. I'm pretty sure it wasn't because I felt something that seemed remarkably like love.

In fact, everyone and their brother told me I was crazy to be leaving like that, that she'd dump me eventually, and that there was no way I could make it.

I think what made it pretty clear to me that it was for real was that I did it anyway. I just did it.

Love makes you do crazy things.

What's insane is that looking back, and comparing what I felt then to what I felt now, back then it was practically nothing. So what is love? Damned if I know, except that I'm sure I made the right choice (even with the regrets) and that I'm happy. I think it's less important to try to figure out if it's love or if it's real, or if it's the right thing, and more important to just find what makes you happy and hold on to it.

-- Anonymous, March 01, 2000

First, I have to say that I did not read you last post, and I am oddly relieved that I did not, I love to read your journal, I feel as if I am not the only one going through rough times or whatnot. I just want you to know that I'm praying for you and that I hope things work out. *smile* As for really being in love, yes. Just recently, my boyfriend (of 3 years) and I went through some really crazy, really hard, really trying times. And most of that was all caused by the words of another. I would hate to think that "we" (your readers) could have caused you any pain or trouble in you life. It makes me feel sick, and in my heart I know you did the right thing by pulling that post.

-- Anonymous, March 01, 2000

God....I go out of town and I miss everything......I also respect your decision to pull your post...but I am very sorry I missed it.

I moved from California to North Carolina to be with my husband. I love him more than I ever thought I could love. But it has been hard. Really, really hard. I changed my whole life, I mean everything, to be with him. I miss my family and I miss my friends. I miss the person I was when I was surrounded by people who love and care for me.

I went to visit my mom and family last week, and when my mom took me to the airport to catch my plane, the tears started and they didn't stop until I was back in North Carolina. But I have to remind myself that it would be worse if it was the other way around. If I was leaving Steve, I don't know if I would ever stop crying. So I have to remember that.

When things are good between Steve and I, I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life. But when they are bad, I have never been more sad, and I have never felt lower.

But that is the reality of relationships. My marriage is a job. We are constantly working, compromising, changing, trying to come to a common ground. We are still very new in to the first year, and I hear that the first year is the hardest...I hope....I hope. Because it is hard and sometimes it sucks hard and it hurts so much.

I really loved something that Helen Hunt said to Paul Rieser in the Mad About You finale......cheesy reference I know, but I really liked what she said. I believe that they were talking about their wedding vows and what they would say to each other now, after all the years they had shared. She said something along the lines of....

"I would've said that there are millions of things I want.. but only one thing I really need... and if you ever decided to leave me, I would go and find you, and bring you home, 'cause you'd be wrong...."

I fully understand this. I was meant to be with Steve. We were made to be together. I don't believe in coincidence. This is the path that was set out for me. So hopefully things will work out for us.

-- Anonymous, March 02, 2000