Do you keep things inside of you? Have you ever felt like you said too much too soon?

Do you keep a journal? Have you ever pulled an entry? How do you deal with people writing to you about your life?

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

Answers

I keep a journal, but I've never pulled an entry (hey, I've only had it for 4, almost 5, months). If something in an entry didn't feel right in retrospect, or if my husband objected to something I said about he or his family, I'd pull it in a heartbeat. Real life is infinitely more important than journals - I guess that goes without saying.

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

Subject: have you ever said too much too soon?
Hell, yeah. Story of my life. I tend to speak before I look and have a permantly stretched mouth as I have to keep pulling my foot out of it.

Do you keep things inside of you?
Yep, even though I'm a compulsive talker. This leads to some weird internal dialogue.
Have you ever felt like you said too much too soon?
Yep, that too - that horrible 'morning after' of 'ohmygod I can't believe I said that'

Do you keep a journal?
Yep - Just Stopping By
Have you ever pulled an entry?
No - I've though about it - but sometimes those raw emotional entries are truer to me then the more upbeat or day - to -day ones. Then again I'm just a newbie and I don't have tons and tons of readers. So that makes it easier. More and more though I find myself when upset or overloaded about something writing it out as an entry - it's almost theraputic.

How do you deal with people writing to you about your life?
Feedback has been fairly positive so far - so I haven't had to deal with too much. I guess this is in response to what you're receiving from yesterdays entry? Pamie I can only speak for myself but I though it was a great entry - because of the truth and emotion behind it. If people are stupid enough to criticise you personally (as opposed to an entry) they're the ones with a problem. I cried most of the way through and am delighted you both got through it. All in all it was a very couragous entry. Not to mention I was delighted to see you back.

I hope I haven't misunderstood the meaning of the post - apologies in advance if I have.

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

i used to keep paper journals my whole life, but with an incredibly nosy and at the time vindictive sister, and then later with a nosy and at the time insecure girlfriend, i never felt that i could write 100% of the truth. i guess the notion is that i never wanted to hurt anyone, but mostly i think i never wanted anyone to know EVERYTHING.

I like having secrets. I do. I like having things that are just mine.

And my journal started out as that, but naturally, as George Costanza said, "WORLDS COLLIDE!!!". And so they do.

And so I find myself unable to be completely honest online either. not that i lie, but that things sometimes have to go unsaid because, yes, maybe it could hurt people.

what pamie mentioned about becoming a "character", at least for me, someone who writes and plays "characters" for a hopefullysomedaysoon living, is a salient point. and going through whatever drama it is that we're going through, one sometimes does begin to think of oneself as a character. As in :"What would the audience most like to see happen here?"

I trust that no online journaler conducts their lives like that, but it is a danger. and we owe it to the flesh and blood people in our lives to make sure the meta doesn't dictate or even overly influence the real.

cuz that could be bad.

cuz the other "characters" in our lives deserve more.

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

I've pulled my entire personal site down. I used to have my experiences of being a stripper up, but I got tired of arguing with people about it. My experience wasn't a good one and maybe there are people out there that have had a positive experience with the sex industry, but in my opinion and with my experience, I feel it's bad for women. I just wanted it up there so women with no idea of what it's about could see it from the perspective of a stripper. I think it took a lot of guts for me to put that stuff on the internet, and I think it took a lot of guts for you to put that entry on the internet, but for the few people that kinda stuff can help it's not really worth the ammount of anxiety it gives you (with worrying about it, the emails, etc). If your site was a totally anonymous site, where your friends and family didn't know about it and your readers didn't know who you were, maybe it's easier to do something like that? I don't know.

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

yup. pulled my entire site down, in fact. before that, i pulled down a couple individual entries because they got me in trouble. people i loved got mad at what i was feeling about them that day, and i guess it was immature of me to think, at the time, that the web was my own personal space. i lost a few friends...partly because of the journal, partly because i was immature, and mostly because i was just a big old grouchy kid trying to figure myself out...and i kind of regret losing those people. on the other hand, my online journal, at that time, helped me through a few rough spots.

now, without the journal, i keep a lot inside. i dont have to sit down and articulate my thoughts and feelings every day, so i never really sort them out. a lot of the time, this results in me lying in my bed and forcing my boyfriend to listen to my incoherent blabberings. ok, i should start journalling again. keep an eye on www.saber.net/~mewtwo

oh yes, and i say everything too soon. i lack a shit filter on my mouth. and my mouth often is uncoordinated with my brain, often speaking before thinking.

pamie is cool =)

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

I'm still not sure it's fair to do that, even if you're completely anonymous. I used to have an anonymous journal wherein I bitched and moaned and griped and revealed all kinds of painful family secrets, and I've come to believe that it wasn't okay. Even though none of them ever found it (I don't think), it wasn't okay. It's not a healthy way to live your life. It's talking behind people's backs. It makes you an ugly and secretive person. It's not venting; venting is what you do when you write it in your own paper journal or whisper it to your boyfriend late at night in the privacy of your own living room. When you publish it on the internet, you're not venting. You're publicizing.

But I think that's something everyone has to figure out for themselves, unfortunately. I didn't take the advice of journalers who had come before me, and new journalers don't take my advice. The people in your life did not ask to have their stories told on the internet. I've stopped telling stories about the other people in my life, with the exception of Jeremy, whose story is so intertwined with mine that it's hard to separate us. But really, I tell very little about him, because it causes problems every time I do.

I feel the same way about coworkers and neighbors and clients, incidentally, and I tend not to read journals that reveal intensely personal details about people other than the journaler.

And I'd like to thank you, Pamie, for today's entry, because I was already regretting the last two entries in my journal (mentioning but not really discussing my break up with Jeremy), and after reading yours, I pulled mine, too. I'm not ready to live this in public yet. I'll probably keep writing and post the entries later, but not yet. Maybe never.

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

Yes and no simultaneously.

When you hurt it is a whole lot easier to feel exposed. And not just about the things that are causing you pain.

After Christien and I began having problems I pulled down all my archives. Not just a few "to close for comfort" entries but all of it. I felt that I had said way too much about everything. I had readers writing to me and telling me they knew all along he was a bad choice. I had others saying they just knew it would all work out. But I knew that too much had been said at some point when readers took it upon themselves to write to him personally. That's about the time it all came down.

Now that nine months have passed I'm not only putting my archives back up, but I'm also posting notifies that I never really intended to share with the masses. Why? Because I like seeing how far I've come. I like knowing and yeah, showing, that there has been progress and strength. But also for the very reason I do a journal to begin with. Because there is a chance that something I write about my experience might sooner or later help someone get through an experience of their own. I understand why Pamie took her entry down and why Beth did, too. And I don't blame them. I did that and more when it was all fresh for me. But reading them, when they were up, made me feel...like I wasn't alone. That other people knew what it felt like (it's all variations on a theme) to go through what I went through. Different reasons and different results...but I don't feel alone in that anymore--and that is empowering for me.

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

I didn't pull just one post.. out of my diary I pulled around 20 posts archived twice. that is mainly since I felt those things were either extremely boring or just really unshareable.

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

I haven't pulled an entry yet from my journal, although I came really close one weekend when my URL appeared in the local paper. I ultimately decided to leave everything up there -- what people see, they see. Hopefully any readers who know me will understand that the past is, er, passed.

But I'm much more careful these days about what appears in my journal. I keep a pseudonymous journal because I don't want family members and certain friends to find out some of the more private aspects of my life. However, I have to remind myself that this should not include personal details about other people's lives, not unless they directly affect my life. Even then -- where should I draw the line? If I'm upset about something awful that happened to my sister, should I reveal that? Would my sister want any stories at all, even humorous cute anecdotes that I would tell my friends, published up on the Web for anyone to see? Admittedly no one knows her name or anything ... but ... but ... but ...

Even with the pseudonym, I'm often at a loss about what to write, when to stop, what to reveal. A long-time journaller (Lucy, maybe, I don't remember exactly who) said that it is inevitable that the longer you keep an online journal, the less personal and revealing it becomes. (Unless you're Alice and you change your URL and pseudonym every year or so.) I have to assume that any entry could be read by my coworkers and friends, perhaps even relatives. It's a tough call, but when friendships and my job are on the line, I must put them first.

So my general guideline is that I can write anything I want about my thoughts and actions -- if friends or relatives find these offensive, too bad. However, when writing about events that might invade other people's privacy, either I disguise the details or drop the story entirely. A reader might be able to identify himself, but few other people could.

I can't even imagine how I would handle writing about a serious relationship in my journal. Guess I'm lucky not to have that problem then. *grin*

As for people writing to me with well-intentioned advice, I tend to respond politely unless I feel they're way out of line. Then I don't respond at all. The key is to remind yourself again and again that readers don't know the whole story. Fortunately I've never had to deal with public speculation (boards, other people's journals) about my private life or personal decisions.

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

I have said too much in letters. I do keep an online journal, but so far I haven't written anything personal about anyone but me. There's been some rotten things happeneing to family and friends, but, Pamie, like you said -- it's about their lives, not mine. I start to write about it, and then feel like I'm invading their privacy. So I blather on about something else. And I know that my husband would really hate being talked about excessively -- he's very private. So I try not to.

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

I'm with Beth on the ixnay on writing about other people in my life. I mean, sure, I'll talk about how I went shopping with my mom and sister, or how Keith did a funny thing or whatever, but as far as my own personal feelings and thoughts about them, forget it. That's personal, and if I want to say something about it in public, I should say it to them.

When I first started my journal, it was more of a personal journal and less an entertaining journal, I think. I wasn't fully aware of the implications of publishing the details of my life on the web for everybody to read. I only DID realize when I started to get negative comments about my relationship with Keith, which is when I stopped writing about the details of our relationship.

I talked to Keith about it, and he asked me this question: hypothetically, let's assume that nobody would ever post a negative comment again -- would you start writing about our relationship online again? I told him no, because what I realized is that I do not appreciate other people's comments on my relationship, good or bad. It's not theirs, it's mine, and they don't know what it's like because they're not in it. They can only ever get a skewed imperfect view of it from my writings, and I don't want that.

I know I sort of wrote about this in the forum yesterday too, but it's a recent decision so it's been on my mind a lot.

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

When I was a teen keeping a diary, my mother found it and read it. I had been honest in it and she was angry with what she found. I pleaded that most of it was lies (a larger lie) and she was satisfied with that. I never wrote in a journal again. My husband has encouraged me to try again, but I can't get over that hump.

I have tried to curb my bad habit of letting things come flying out of my mouth without thinking first. I shared a secret with a few people until I realized that by sharing this private info, I could have ruined my relationship with a very special person in my life.

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

Boy, I have alot to say on this issue.

I have a tendency to share WAY too much of my personal life with the public-at-large. I am a bit of an exhibitionist. I have kept a paper journal since the age of nine, and if it wasn't for the stiff competition from people like you Pamie (and Stee and Beth and my friend Sara Astruc) I would probably have an on-line journal too. Except for one thing - when you open your life up to the public in any way, you also give strangers the opportunity to make assumptions and judgements.

And I know this to be true from experience. A few years ago I hosted a public access tv show with a friend of mine. It was a silly thing that we decided to throw together on a whim, which ultimately became a much bigger animal and resulted in the two of us becoming (very) minor celebrities in New York City. Neither one of us was prepared for it, and the eventual backlash was stunning.

At first it was amazing. Strangers would recognize me on the street or the subway almost every day. I remember attending a very chic art party and being immediately welcomed into the inner sanctum because the host watched my show. Ok, he was pretty wasted, but he was literally slobbering all over me and could not believe that he was seeing me in the flesh. That was pretty cool.

But then things got ugly, as they always do when a person has achieved a certain level of notoriety. Suddenly the people on the street thought it was ok to tell me how much my show - and as an extension of that my personality - sucked. That was horrible.

So here's what I learned: when you let people into your life in a public forum, even if you don't give them all the details, and even if you try to keep the really personal areas of your life separate, you have to accept that some people are going to believe that they have the right to offer their opinions. Sometimes it feels great - like when everyone tells you how funny/smart/beautiful you are; and sometimes it sucks - like when people are telling you that you're a piece of shit.

I think you did the right thing Pamie. This is your life - your REAL life, and those of us who read your journal are just along for part of the ride - we don't need to know everything, and we don't have the right to tell you what to do or to make assumptions about things which you don't feel comfortable sharing.

And the same holds true for the rest of the journalers out there who are going through a tough time. Hang in there you guys - and good luck with everything, but don't feel obligated to give your readers the blow-by-blow. This is about you, not us.

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

Oh, yes. I have definitely been guilty of speaking too quickly. If I am excited about something, whether it ne excited as in furious or excited as in joyous, I tend to rattle off too soon about it. I have stopped doing that as much since I started my online journal.

It used to be that when something that felt monumental at the time happened, I was hurriedly trying to decide who to call so I could talk about it. Often I would regret doing that later, in cases where the person I told wanted to talk about it after the fact and I was no longer comfortable discussing the topic, usually because I felt like an ass as a result of being too hasty.

I have found my journal has helped me with that problem greatly, because I can get things off my chest, but don't have to bog anyone else down with my problems. Not many people read my journal, so I have never felt the need to pull an entry. However, if I ever found out someone who knows me in my personal life was going to read it, I would seriously consider pulling a few pieces of information out. I am much more candid in my journal than I would ever be when actually talking to a person. I don't have to worry about being PC, or hurting someone's feelings. I don't have to watch my language, and if I'm being catty or jealous or childish, no one has to know about it but me and a few people who don't have a clue who I am. It's weird, because I want readers who can give me feedback and let me know if they have been in situations like mine, or whatever, but I'm not willing to put myself all the way out there like brave souls such as Pamie.

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

Yes, I keep a journal. :> Yes, I've pulled entries...

I've got some...uh..."mother issues." And I wound up taking down three angry, *angry* entries that were about my relationship with her.

I apologized to my readers for doing so; I got a wee bit of backlash for it -- nothing horrific, but a few comments like "whatever makes you happy, but we're sorry to be reading a censored journal." Um, ok. Not to sound snotty, but feel free to kiss my ass now, m'kay?

A friend of mine did write me a supportive note, though, which I naturally can't find. The gist of it was that, "You are not Hunter S. Thompson. If he wants to go out and be a gonzo and then tell everyone about it, that's fine. You don't have to keep every single emotion up there, plastered for all to see, all the time. You felt it, you're over it, it'll hurt others if they see it, so you've moved on."

He said it better, but I'm sure you get the idea.

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

I have an online journal and while I haven't pulled any entries in this incarnation, I've definitely gone back & done some serious revisions. Pulled things that were too revealing, re-written things that were too stupid, etc. I pulled a previous version of my journal off the web entirely. Just flat out deleted it because I found I was spending too much time writing about my life rather than living it.

But I find keeping an on-line journal to be like eating a bag of potato chips. I keep sticking my hand back in the bag well after I've said "no more!"

katie

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

Subject: have you ever said too much too soon?

Once in high school, I was playing scrabble with some friends. There was only a few tiles left in the bag, and I had the only remaining consonant, a V, worth 4 points. I didn't want to go to the bathroom while other people were taking their turns, so when it was my turn, I put all of my tiles face down, and went to the john. When I came back, they were like, You got the V! You got the V! I'm like, You looked!. Then they were like, No we didn't! But now we know!

If I knew how to keep things inside of me, I would do so more often.

Keep hope alive!

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

Tick-tock tick.tick.tick.tick. tock tick- tock tick.tick.tick.tick.tock tock. tick-tock

Hear that? That is the sound of my internal clock. Either too fast, or too slow, but never right on time. I cannot express how often my timing has been off and the consequences I have paid for it. Needless to say, I've gotten used to it and sometimes perversley look forward to the repercussions of *following my instincts* just to see how completely off I was.

I think i'm an optimist at heart, so I'll never be able to stop hoping that one day, some way I'll be at the right place right time in my life for the right words to come out of my mouth. And here's to no one getting hurt while I wait. (me included, please)

The above reason is why I don't keep an online journal.

jess

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

I have thought about pulling entries --- one in particular called "ex's and oh's" which was the first time I "publicly" talked about having a major fight with Kevin...I didn't though...maybe because I was lazy, maybe because really it didn't say 'too much,' but in retrospect I'm glad I left it up there...

Today I was able to go back and read it --- see what I was feeling that day and it helped remind me that regardless of what my head and heart are saying these days, things are better this way.

I need help remembering that...

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

I'm with Xeney-Beth on this.

I keep a journal on-line. I am very aware of my audience, and try not to speak out of turn. I now work on the assumption that everyone I know is reading, in a small self-protective measure. I don't want to hurt anyone with something I've said-- good, bad or otherwise.

I always cringe when I see other journallers write, in essence: "Screw you! These are my thoughts! Go away if you don't like what I say about you!" It's awfully short sighted. You might feel better for expressing yourself, but eventually you won't have anyone left to write _about_.

I've covered some highly personal material. Most of it was stuff that happened in the past. Far enough in the past so that I already knew how I feel about it, and how it ended.

This is a minefield I've been picking my way through, lately. New boyfriend. Where's the line between my story and his?

-sa

PS: Sarah C. start writing already,

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

I threw away an entire journal one time. Hard copy. Only copy. Right into the dumpster. I just didn't want to think about that year of my life because I was still too close to it at the time. Dumb, dumb, dumb. So I don't have an online journal because I can't even share my life with *me*, much less the free world. I admire those of you who do.

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

I often tend to speak without thinking. So much that I'm sometimes surprised my toes aren't pruned from all the time my foot has spent in my mouth. Worse, I have a really short fuse so when I'm upset, I tend to say things that I immediately regret.

Yes, I keep a journal. I do mention others in it, but mostly my immediate circle of friends. I haven't been doing the OLJ for long, and I haven't regretted anything I've written (except on the basis of thinking what I wrote was boring or crappy) so I've never pulled an entry.

After what Pamie and Beth and others have said, I know I'm now going to think twice before mentioning other people in my journal.

And so far, my readership is very small. My closest friends and family are the only ones to regularly comment on what I've written, and what they read is usually the same stuff I tell them, so I'd get the life comments anyway. Some of my entries started off as email to them.

I have had nice email exchanges with a few other journallers. The only odd mail I've yet received was from someone who wanted to know the address to Stee's site.

There are some stories I really want to write about, but the content is so personal, and potentially damaging to others, it's not worth it to me to do so.

I really respect Beth and Pamie (and anyone else) who's had the guts to expose so much of their feelings. I don't think it's a sign of weakness at all that posts are later removed. It's all up to the writer's judgement.

For everyone who's going through a rough time, I just wish the best for you.

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

Skip this if you want to avoid the long-winded Mike Leung comments.

But then things got ugly, as they always do when a person has achieved a certain level of notoriety. Suddenly the people on the street thought it was ok to tell me how much my show - and as an extension of that my personality - sucked. That was horrible.

Sarah's comments about her unpreparedness for notoriety reminds me of how the George Bush campaign appears to be shaping up nationally. Bush is still very much a glyph to the national audience. Tactically, this was a great advantage to him six months ago, because people were seeing all of these positive things in him, and he just let them. Now, this is bad tactically, because he's vulnerable for the same reason. He messed up on strategy, because he couldn't pick one of the nice things people were saying about him, and putting all of his resources behind that one position.

Gore was in the same tactical position as Bush, six months ago, and Bradley was making him look bad, with his reformer strategy. Then Gore took to the strategy that the heart of the Democratic party is Social Security, Medicare, and Labor. In his debates against Bradley, he basically kept up the mantra of Social Security, Medicare, and Labor. Gore is convincing the Democratic voters that protecting these interests is more important than reform, and Bradley is taking a beating. This is in contrast to McCain vs. Bush, where McCain is killing on the strategy that reform is more important than losing to the Democrats again, which Bush doesn't know how to counter.

I don't imagine that presenting yourself in an online journal is very different. Tactically, Pamie doesn't seem very much different than most liberal arts educated journalers, relating to others mostly through pop-culture references, movies, books, music, TV, etc. Strategically, she seems more character centered, and I think that's made all of the difference.

For anyone who can't read one of my posts without wincing, while I may have some advantages tactically, strategically I am very weak, falling back on either mush-headeded weltschmerz, as one person put it, or taking hostages. I suspect that if I can cut the mush-headeded weltschmerz into tight 3 sentence posts, many of you may find yourself saying gee, since that Mike Leung has cut down the weltschmerz and hostage-taking, his forum posts have made my day. That won't be happening today, unfortunately, but maybe tomorrow.

End of long-winded Mike Leung comments.

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

I always keep things inside me for fear of hurting/losing/scaring people. I was about to have a long, negative talk with a friend telling him exactly how I felt about him, basically ending things when I read what you wrote...."people don't always just leave when things get hard. There is still joy out there. There is still honest friendship and deep love."

Thank you. =*)

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

>>Do you keep things inside of you? Have you ever felt like you said too much too soon?<<

Yes to both, I have a tendency to internalize the bad and blurt the good. One is just plain bad no matter how you look at it, the other can be embarassing as hell under certain circumstances.

>>Do you keep a journal? Have you ever pulled an entry? How do you deal with people writing to you about your life?<<

Yes, I do keep an on-line journal and no I've never pulled a post.

I made several decisions within only days of posting my first entry. The most important one was that I had to respect the privacy of my boyfriend. The second one was telling myself that my family will read this, and I better be sure that what I post won't piss off my mother. :)

I keep a second private journal at home for all those issues, feelings, etc that would compromise my personal relationships if they were known. There are aspects of my life, past, present and future, that are nobodies business but my own.

So far my on-line journal hasn't inspired much feedback, but then I only started a couple of months ago, and I don't think I give the impression that I want feedback. I rarely (maybe never) ask questions of my readers, never ask for advice, I didn't even have an e-mail link up for the first few weeks.

Mostly I get letters from relatives, Yes, they read it, telling me that they particularly liked an entry, or something made them sad. I don't know how I'd deal with strangers making comments. I toy with the idea of adding a message forum or actively soliciting comments in some way, but I'm not all to sure I'd like the results of having people butt into my life, even if they are invited to do so. :)

J. hobgoblin.net

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

I've kept an online journal for over four years now; in that time, I think I've only pulled one entry.

The one I pulled was one where I was very hurt and angry. I'd received a very harsh and I thought unwarranted personal attack in a writing group critique, and so I posted a few lines from it (with the name removed), to ask people whether they agreed that it was out of bounds. As it turned out, the person who wrote the critique stumbled across the journal entry, was furious, spread it around that I was posting other peoples critiques on the internet, and it ended up being a huge mess that had to get sorted out in class. I agreed as part of the attempt to smooth things over to take the offending entry down. I still think I had the right to post it. But.

I've been very careful ever since (and I was pretty careful before) about what I post. I assume that anyone and everyone might be reading my journal, that they might recognize themselves even if I try to disguise who I'm talking about, and that I must not say anything in it that I wouldn't be willing to shout publically from the rooftops.

Well, sometimes I say things about me that I wouldn't want to shout from the rooftops. But it's usually very late and I'm very tired when I do that. My defenses are down, and I'm forgetting that the whole world might be listening. Most of the time, I'm more careful than that, with myself and with others.

It makes for a skewed journal, of course. Maybe people think I'm nicer than I really am, since I never say mean things in the journal. The journal is certainly duller than it could be, since all the good gossip gets left out. But it's a journal I can live with, and one I've never even been tempted to take down. My friends get to keep track of me; I get to vent and ask questions and ponder; my readers learn a little more about me; sometimes I make a new friend. Good enough for me.

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

I say exactly what I'm thinking 99% of the time, without thinking of the consequences. Does it get me in trouble? All the damn time? Am I glad I do it anyway? Most of the time. I am EXTREMELY open with my boyfriend, I'll tell him exactly what I think about our relationship anytime something comes up. Is this good practice? For us, it is... at the end of the conversation/arguement we always end up with a better understanding of one another and our relationship.

Do I keep a journal, no... I'd keep an on-line one, if I knew the slightest bit about html or whatever the kids are using these days, but I don't.

This is on a completely different topic... but I rarely communicate with the people who write the on-line journals I read. Simply because, they shared their life with me because they wanted to, but my advice, or comments are unsolicited. Sure.. I have my opinions about their lives, but they didn't ask me. Pamie, and the rest of you who write journals and post them on-line CHOOSE to do this... but you don't choose your auidience, so my opinion is that my advice isn't wanted.

I've written a few journalers, when something they wrote struck a chord in me, or they DID ask for feedback... but ... that's it, it's still THEIR lives, and I have no right to comment on it one way or the other.

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

Ever said too much too soon? (Thinking.) In the journal-- I don't really consider it that way. But I've gotten some bad reactions to what I've written, in the journal and especially on another site. In listservs? Definitely.

Do I keep things inside of me? Look, REPRESSED is my middle name. Yet paradoxically...

Yes, I keep a journal. I have pulled just one entry. It had nothing to do with Barb or my family, only a friend on-line. Barb DOES have a power of veto, but only over mentions of her---and she has only twice exercised it, and in each case it was just a line or two.

It's a balance, but it's one I'm relatively comfortable with.

Al of NOVA NOTES

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

I have an agreement, with my husband. If he doesn't like an entry where he is mentioned, I take it off the server. He has never asked me to do this, though, because our unspoken agreement is that I will never write in a passive agressive way about him. So, no entries where I bitch about his habit of...whatever it is I could bitch about.... Those sorts of entries sort of bug me, anyway, because I find myself whispering to the screen, "why are you telling ME that? Why aren't you telling HIM that?"

Unless I am being humourous, of course, in which case it may seem like I am complaining about him, but usually those are entries about things that don't actually bother me much, but which I find amusing.

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

I've totally pulled entries before - maybe once every two months.

Sometimes I feel like I'm too mean. Sometimes I feel like I push it too far. Sometimes I write when I'm drunk and good lord, no one needs to read what I'm thinking when I'm drunk. Really. Once (and this sounds awful and ridiculous at the same time) I pulled an entry because I was coveting someone else's boyfriend (and I feel comfortable using the word covet freely because I'm a Jew.)

It's not supposed to be about hurting someone, friends or family or lovers. It's supposed to be about entertainment, maybe educationn, and most of all (and this is admittedly just for me) it's about the writing.

One of the reasons I stopped writing for a while was there were too many people reading it who cared more about the gossip and less about the writing. I hope those people are happy now. They killed my joy just a little bit.

But I guess I created that environment, not them. Right?

chickpages.com/zinescene/francesca/jamimain.html

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

Yes, I have an online journal. If I knew how I'd link it from here, but hey...don't just laugh...teach me!!! the address is www.geocities.com/and_if_I_die/index.html

As for saying too much too soon, the first thing I thought about was being 16, having a car and going out on a date with this girl who has so obviously out of my league. She only went out with me because I had a car and a job. We went out, I bought her an Ozzy Osbourne album (and I do mean album), parked for awhile and took her home. Walked her to her door, kissed her and said "I love you". She smiled that "oh great, a smurf" smile and said, "uhm...ok" and shut the door.

Funny, never went out again..turns out she met somebody who was not only in her league, but had a nicer car and more money!

But I bet she was forced to listen to DuranDuran instead of "Crazy Train"....hehe, I was such a dweeb.

Bob

-- Anonymous, March 01, 2000

I don't keep a journal, online or otherwise, but I do write a zine, and there are things in past issues that I wish I hadn't written...not because I felt I violated others' privacy, but because in some way I feel like I violated my own. I can't "pull" them, though--they are on paper and out in the world.

Anyway, I am sort of amazed that people write to pamie and other online journallers offering advice. Heck, I often feel like I can't advise my own best friends on their love lives...what makes me think I can advise a stranger who I know only through this little online piece of their life?

I was, of course, interested to know what was going on with Pamie and Eric. She's telling a story, and stories are valuable, because sometimes we can see ourselves in them and learn from them. My partner and I both read the entry that was pulled, and it was valuable to us because we've been through similar times and it helps to see how other people have dealt with them. But I respect Pamie's right to pull it, just as I would respect any friend of mine's right to say, "You know what? I've changed my mind and I'm actually not ready to talk about this, and I'd rather you didn't talk about it either" even if she had shared details of a relationship with me in the past.

-- Anonymous, March 01, 2000

Not only do I have a really crappy online journal, I used to have a webpage filled with lots of personal rants, and I did a zine.

I killed the latter two off because it felt too embarrassing. I felt like I was divulging way too much information about myself, even if that's kind of the point. (Not too much physical information, mind you, but too much emotional information. I wrote about feeling vulernable and depressed way too often, and I guess I still do.)

-- Anonymous, March 01, 2000

Yeah, I say too much. I'm a leo, I can't help it. I'm dramatic, theatrical, and when I've got stuff on my mind I just spew it to whoever will listen. I don't get in a lot of trouble for it, because mostly I spew about me, not anyone else. Although I have killed potential relationships by thinking (and saying) too far ahead.

Yes, I do keep an online journal. And no, I've never pulled an entry in the year I've been doing it. There was one time I thought about it. I was frustrated with a situation that had developed between two of my friends, and I had to articulate it. I knew they both read the journal on occasion, but I hadn't said anything that wasn't true. I also hadn't said much about *them*, or that they'd done anything wrong. I knew I was overreacting, and I said as much. I knew that if they read it, I might have to explain something, but I didn't think they'd be mad. And they weren't. We all passed it off as a momentary tantrum at let it go.

I too write under a pseudonym, but it's not effective since anyone who knows me IRL will see the pictures and know exactly who I am. The pseudonym is mostly to keep anyone from finding me using a search engine or something like that.

Most of what I write is just my various obstinate views on things. When I write about my life, the people who must be mentioned are never named. When I have something intensely personal to write about, where someone else is integral, I write fiction. I take the events and exagagerate everything. No one worries as much about autobiographical fiction.

Despite all that, I have found myself censoring what I write on occasion. There is one entry where I wanted to write much more about what happened and how I felt about it, but the other people involved wouldn't have appreciated it. And it was almost too personal to share, but I have it on paper. I still want to remember it.

I don't often write to journalers I read either. When I do, it's to lavish praise, or quip about something funny. I would *never* even *think* to presume I know what's really going on in someone's life. I don't comment on those things. I don't ask. I treat most journals as a stories. No one calls up novelists to say "Gee, why did it end there? What happened? I don't think you spent enough time on this theme. Where's the pathos? You suck." That's not to say I don't think these are real people. They are, I just choose to treat them as writers first.

My father is a writer, and there are some stories he's written that he still won't let anyone read. He writes for himself, and I expect no more of him. It's his perogative to write. It's his (and everyone's) right not to share what he's written.

I guess, in the end, some things are better left unsaid. Or at least unshared with the world.

-- Anonymous, March 01, 2000

I have never pulled an entry, but I have modified certain parts of an entry to make my partner feel more comfortable. I would do it again.

I bite my tongue a lot, sit on my hands and do not write about things that are high emotion until the event has passed. I want to be fair. And while my journal is about my feelings, I have a tendency to point my finger and imply that the other people are asses.

Of course, even after the actual turmoil is over, my feelings might skew the perception and still make them out to be the bad person who did me wrong. I try to make my ass the biggest ass of all.

I do not have a huge following. Most of the people who read my journal are friends of mine and their thoughts and insights are welcomed. I need all the help I can get, honestly.

-- Anonymous, March 01, 2000

I do have a journal, Where the Living Goes. I've had it for close to two years now, and I've only pulled one entry. It dealt with some very hazy memories I have of what I guess would be termed child abuse by someone my mother and I lived with briefly. If I were absolutely sure of those memories I would have left the entry up -- I do think it was one of the better ones I've written from a pure quality-of-writing standpoint -- but I still have some major doubts about whether those memories are of real events. And although there were no names involved, I just didn't feel comfortable having something up that would accuse someone of child abuse unless I was sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that those accusations were valid.

Other than that, I have never removed an entry. I try very hard when writing the entry to strike the appropriate balance between what I need to say, and the chance that the entry might infringe on the privacy of people mentioned in it. When in doubt, I have almost always erred on the side of not infringing on other people's privacy.

I guess it helps that I've got a pretty tiny readership, and so far I haven't been made uncomfortable by the emails I've gotten in response to things I've written.

-- Anonymous, March 01, 2000

(The following disclaimer was borrowed from Mike Leung.)

Possibly long-winded James Russell comment follows:

I think everyone usually says something too much too soon at some point, don't they? I'm pretty sure I have too. Doing it in print, though, and doing it in public hmm, this is something different and more complicated.

Having only kept my humble notes online since the start of this year, and with the extremely minimal readership I appear to have, I'm not worried about reactions yet. Only thing I've trimmed so far is part of an entry talking about possible story ideas and that was complete paranoia. Likely I'll restore it once the story in question is finished.

But this is an issue I've found interesting about online journals since I started looking at them seriously. A friend of mine started one in late '98. Then a few months later she decided she wasn't being suitably honest with herself and so the tone of the journal took a distinctly darker turn. And then she decided she couldn't be completely honest with herself unless she put a password-protect on the journal.

This just strikes me as weird. There's something inherently paradoxical about online journals in the way in which they extend the private into the public domain. But to put your private life online like that, and then lock it away under a passwordwhat's the point? If you're going to do that then why go to the time and effort of doing the thing online in the first place? Same (in a way) for striking out entries.

As I said, I've only done this since January and have a minimal readership. I don't have much to worry about there, and if anyone ever did write to me about my life (which no one has done yet) I'd deal with it in an appropriate way. I've also kept print journals on and off since 1990. In those I can be guarded sometimessome paranoid corner of the JGWR mind that keeps telling me that one day these notebooks may be taken down and used as evidence against me; and anyway it's never entirely a bad thing to have some secrets.

But I'd say that 95% of the time I've been pretty open and honest about things. Now that I also do it online I occasionally worry that this may be having some effect on how and what I write, though again I think that's a baseless worry. Things don't seem to me to be much different. However, if it ever got to the point where I'd written something in the print journal that I was seriously afraid of posting online for fear that the wrong person might read it, then I'd kill the online journal. There would seem to me to be not much point doing it if you were afraid to do it properly.

Tonight We Sleep In Separate Ditcheswhere I'll soon be posting some of my old entries from before I ever dreamed of taking it online. See if you can spot any differences

-- Anonymous, March 05, 2000