I am a 43-year-old man and I have never lived a "normal" life... I have always had bizarre (to society in general) perception problems, especially when I was a child, e.g., certain shades of color (also complex textures and geometric-type shapes) could make me 'physically' nauseas, very angry or sad. I was extremely sensitive to even tiny enviromental changes, e.g., if a the sun would go behind a cloud my mood could be instantly altered--usually negatively. Emotional states, e.g., depression, caused physical reactions, even though I began to be able to reason things out it was as if I had no control [then].

I had an extremely active imagination. I loved nothing better than playing in my own imaginary world with my imaginary friends (I realised they were'nt real even then...). I would get so involved in my daydreams and fantasys that I would often 'come out of it' being slapped by my--then--violently-abusive--mother (she was schizophrenic) because I was so caught up in 'my' world that often, nothing else got through.

Very very few people can believe my life story, the complexity of my personality--to much to try to write about here, ha ha.

I do know a lot of things. I love science and have out manuvered phd's in biology and once had a group of masters and phd's, in physics (I was in a bar )tell me that I knew more than a lot of post grads that they knew. I know and love history, quantum theory, biology, religion, languages, art, music (I have perfect pitch), yet I made horrible grades in public school and dropped out of high school (but I averaged--in all courses--above a 4.0 both times I tried college...). In public school I would devour books--but not study, everything from adventure to science fiction. I read through every Encyclopedia Brittanica, and World Book Encyclopedia (I didn't read every single word but much of them)in my high school library, I also did this in grade school.

I am not intending to boast but I was always a "really weird kid," and had severe problems with being "belittled" (and SO ALONE...THAT is an entire story of its own!!!)--often brutally by everyone from teachers, pastors, sunday school teachers, parents and especially other kids. I thought my way of seeing--percieving--and expressing myself was normal (NOW I realise how I must have looked, and at times, stilll do, e.g., I would say the whatever I felt--extremely impulsive and open--and when I would be made fun of or even punished I would still repeat behavior (not 'socially' bad behavior or speech, but very very open, honest--boy, that caused me trouble--and "imaginative."). It REALLY took a LOT of pain before I even realised what I was doing wrong, much more, tried to make changes. I was in my 20's before I was finally getting the hang of "ACTING" like, or my version (filtered through my perception, reasoning, ect.)how I saw 'normal' people acting. I still have pretty severe problems in social situations, at times.

I manage to get by lately. I have a very very poor time managing my life, I live so impulsively and randomly. My autism(?) still causes me a lot of great difficulties, though when I take Luvox and Stimulant medications I "perform" and feel (otherwise I live in an emotional storm--Hurricane-- again: ANOTHER STORY!)at least 70% better--in fact since I was prescribed them 2 years ago my attitude, joy, peace and "LIFE" have changed dramatically--but I know that my problems are far more complex than OCD & ADD/ADHD symptomology--HOW DO I FIND OUT, AND WOULD IT HELP IF I KNEW?!

I can't afford my medicines (I'm on soc. sec.) and I am not doing so good lately. I have also been physically sick but HATE going to doctors so I'm getting worse.

Please advise me if you can (in a positive way). sincerely, thank you, david

p.s. I don't have any psychosis. I don't hear voices, I am not grandoise(though some people think I am when I discuss my interests and variety of knowledge). I have no problems with paranoia--fearfulness to an extreme degree without my LUVOX & ADDERALL. Even my previous psychiatrist and neurologist(they've studied and tested me for two years) told me I'm not psychotic, just extremely ADD/ADHD and ocd, but they won't discuss deeper issues; maybe it doesn't matter. They prescribed the stimulant and Luvox and when I was on them it was as if I woke up for the very first time--the first time I ever was able to really "feel" and have peace and joy of any kind! Now most doctors give me hell about prescribing it(plus the COST); "I'm not the one who started me on it, but I have been given EVERY other type of meds with either no results or they made me far worse--especially a lot of tranquilizers(?). I can write far far better than I can speak, especially about serious, emotional PROBLEMS AS INFINITELY IMPORTANT--TO MY 'LIFE'--AS MEDS, ECT. SOrry for making this so long and involved. Again, thank you.

-- leslie "David" patrick (artistoflife@yahoo.com), March 01, 2000

Answers

OK, you might want to check out these sites:

www.faaas.org www.tonyattwood.com www.autism-society.org www.aspennj.org/guide/html

You should see if you can get evaluated/diagnosed by a doctor, the tony attwood site has a list of doctors who diagnose adults, in my case it was kind of easy for me to see that I had it - in special ed until I was 17, when I was little the staring at my hands for hours, spinning stuff, lining stuff up, etc. As well as never having any friends and all that. I've never had a close friend - Oh Well. People are too damn hard to understand anyway. I don't think I myself needs meds, I seem to malfunction in a very stable way hehe, but Temple Grandin needs meds and a lot of autistic people (and people who are not autistic) do too so don't feel bad. And who knows, I might be really missing out not being on meds hehe. One problem with getting diagnosed as an adult is that it's not taken care of, usually, by health plans. I found out how to translate my encyclopedic knowledge of my special interests into money, so I'm extremely lucky, I just paid for my diagnosis out of pocket (and to tell you the truth my older sister's the one who wanted me to get diagnosed as an adult and paid for half of it). I'd say look around on the Net, read up, and get knowledgeable, because it will help you put the whole picture together, in my case it's helped a lot, I've been able to cut down on "perseverative monologues" with people (to people? at people?) almost completely. Even if you can't afford to run out and pay a doctor for an assessment, if you learn about it you can see how it applies to your own life and fix things up a bit. I helps you see yourself from the outside. I myself seem to score highly on the informal ADHD tests I've found, but interestingly, very low, basically as a normal person on the OCD screening tests I've found. I have to mention in closing that I've found that a lot of people/doctors are reluctant to "label" an individual with the AUTISM word, it's considered this terrible thing, I actually told the guy who diagnosed me (Dr. Ritvo at UCLA) that it sure beats the hell out of "Emotionally Disturbed", "Withdrawn", "Spoiled", "Loner" and the good old all- purpose "MENTAL!!!!" I've carried, especially when I was a kid. I'm proud to wear the label and be counted, if for no other reason than there are a lot of people with high-functioning autism or asperger's syndrome who can't afford to let it be known, since, like I did for so many years, they're hanging on by their bitten fingernails to some job they hate, are on "thin ice" in, but can't afford to lose for any reason because they need it to survive.

-- Alex Carter (carter@goodnet.com), March 02, 2000.