Cats rule, dogs drool.

-- Brooks (brooksbie@hotmail.com), March 07, 2000

Answers

New AKC breeds - The following breeds are now recognized by the American Kennel Club:

Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + Shitzu = Oh, never mind... [in honor of Greybear's daughter]

-- Brooks (brooksbie@hotmail.com), March 07, 2000.

Cat Laws . . .

Law of Cat Inertia - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism - All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direction proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics - Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching - A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping - All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation - A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any countertop that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Acceleration - A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until she gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance - Cats must attend all meals when anything good is being served.

Law of Rug Configuration - No rug may remain in its naturally flat state, for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance - A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation - Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation - Cats also know that energy can only be stored, by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation - If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction - Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking - A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy - All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment - A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption - A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you she can.

Law of Furniture Replacement - A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing - A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

Law of Fluid Displacement - A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Laws of Cat Disinterest - A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest her.

Law of Pill Rejection - Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

Law of Selective Listening - Although a cat can hear a can of tuna being opened a mile away, she can't hear a simple command three feet away.

Law of Equidistant Separation - All cats in a given room will locate at points equidistant from each other, and equidistant from the center of the room.

Law of Cat Invisibility - Cats think that if they can't see you, then you can't see them.

Law of Space-Time Continuum - Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.

Law of Concentration of Mass - A cat's mass increases in direct proportion to the comfort of the lap she occupies.

Law of Cat Probability (Cat's Uncertainty Principle) - It is not possible to predict where a cat actually is, only the probability of where she "might" be.

Law of Cat Obedience - As yet undiscovered.

-- Brooks (brooksbie@hotmail.com), March 07, 2000.

I don't have a joke, persay, but I love it when my dogs peek into a room I'm in, and then turn to walk out, and hit their heads on the wall. Also when they go to jump up on the bed and miss, and slide slowly back to the floor, desperately clawing at the blankets. I like when the cat misses a jump too. And when we had all that ice here, I would call the dogs in, and they would come running and slip. :-) Why is this starting to sound sick to me?

-- kritter (kritter@adelphia.net), March 07, 2000.

ROFLAO!!!

Well, shoot, where is that lint brush?

-- Lilly (homesteader145@yahoo.com), March 07, 2000.

"I don't have a joke, persay, but I love it when my dogs peek into a room I'm in, and then turn to walk out, and hit their heads on the wall. Also when they go to jump up on the bed and miss, and slide slowly back to the floor, desperately clawing at the blankets. I like when the cat misses a jump too. And when we had all that ice here, I would call the dogs in, and they would come running and slip. :-) Why is this starting to sound sick to me?"

My third apartment here in Texas was at Lake O' The Woods. Sounds romantic, eh? Well, we had tree roaches that came inside that were perhaps 2 inches long and I SWEAR they lifted the combo washer/dryer when they scooted underneath.

One night, I SCOURED the kitchen. I mean SCOURED. I had that place so clean and polished [waxed] that anywhere you looked you could see your face. The next morning I came downstairs. Not a roach in site. I was SO damn pleased. I opened the refrigerator door and did just what we tell our kids NOT to do: stared inside like a movie would start any minute. While I was staring inside, I felt this funny tingling inside my hand [still on the refrigerator door handle.] I opened my hand and inside was one of those HUGE tree roaches [who'd been hiding on the OTHER side of the handle all along.] I threw my hand open and flung it towards the floor, where he TRIED to head for cover under the washer/dryer unit. Of course we've ALL seen dogs try to run on a waxed floor, and this guy was JUST as amusing. His back legs were flying out behind him and he was getting nowhere fast. LOL. He FINALLY made it under the washer/dryer combo. I saw the unit RISE and then fall again.

-- Anita (notgiving@anymore.thingee), March 07, 2000.

Thanks Anita, you just gave me the schkeevies! I'm glad there are no tree roaches here! When I lived in Florida, there were these hideous things called "Palmetto Bugs". GIANT sized roaches that fly, if you ask me. Everytime I saw one in my house, I would hunt it down with my husband's shoe! I got very good at picking them off of walls and ceilings with THE SHOE! I once had a bunch of pans piled in the sink to soak, and the drain was clogged. I shoved my hand down there to try and unclog it, mashing down whatever was in the drain. But there was something not going down...Something was in it...it was a dead and now mashed Palmetto Bug. My #1 complaint with Florida... followed by those lovely fire ants.

-- kritter (kritter@adelphia.net), March 07, 2000.

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a fat cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. The collector says "Please, I need a cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

-- Brooks (brooksbie@hotmail.com), March 14, 2000.