Do you need help? Are you struggling with tough issues in your life? Could everything be solved by a tough broad with some red glasses and a hard knocks look on life?

Write Sally a letter. And share your story.

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000

Answers

Dear Sally Jessie Raphael,

I remember it like it was yesterday: the Siamese twin strippers wore grey, you wore blue. The last 20 years just goes to show how the problems of two people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy, mixed up world. If you need to talk to me again, just whistle. You still remember how to whistle, don't you? Just put your lips together and blow.

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000

Dear Sally,

I liked you a lot better when I was eleven years old and I used to listen to your radio show and you told your listeners that you were a 30 year old petite brunette woman. You were much prettier on the radio. I used to love your music, "Tune in, turn on, TalkNet, we care..." and you really did care. Your advice put me to sleep at night. Sally, it might be your fault I'm a social worker. Can you please go back to TalkNet? Thanks.

love,
stasi

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2000

I dunno about Sally J, but I'm thinkin' that Oprah is where it's at.

Since I've joined my gym, working out religiously (ha!) at 4 o'clock has turned into getting my bod in shape while filling my brain with crap. That crap tends to be Oprah bestowing her gifts on just about every sad, hopeless, and needy person out there. Sure, Sally asks the though questions, but Oprah doles out the *goods*! So, in my open letter to Oprah:

Dear Oprah,

I am a twenty-seven year old art student struggling to make ends meet, but I have never been able to reconcile the fact that my friend Elvo dresses so much better than me. Elvo has offered to take me shopping, but here's the problem, Oprah -- he buys his clothes in Hong Kong. It would really put a smile on my face if you could send Elvo and me to Hong Kong for an all expenses paid shopping trip! Oh, and if you could help me pay for grad school that would be marvy too. Oh, and if you could help me pay off my student loan for my BFA I would really, really, really be eternally grateful.

Love, Jeannette

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2000

Dear Pamie,

Thank you for your letter. I am always happy to help those who are less fortunate than I. After all, not everyone can know the things I know, feel the things I feel (and so truly) or be so good at expressing these things I both know and feel. And I understand, Pamie, that it takes a lot of courage to admit these things and to come to me, one who knows and feels so much better than you do. Furthermore, it takes a lot of courage to present your inability to properly control your cats, especially in front of all those who know and seemingly respect you.

I feel so sorry for Cal, who feels he must physcially attack you to warrant your attention and your concern. And for poor Taylor, who misses you so!, for having to physcially confront you in front of your obsessions, trying to intervene with your addictions and show you the correct way to go.

I'm only grateful that at last you should see the light, and come to me, one who can help you. But I must tell you, dear Pamie, that before I can help you, you must be willing to be helped. You must understand that it is YOU, not your poor children, who is the problem. You must stand before the world and admit to everyone your selfishness. These cats obviously need your love, your affection. Why else would they act with such desperate measures? To race throughout the house, to spray each other with their own urine is a clear sign that they are trying to get in trouble, just so you would pay them some attention.

You yourself stated how much calmer they are when your boyfriend, who obviously is willing to love them with much greater effect, is home. You yourself stated (and I quote) "Have you ever watched two cats sit? It's very boring, Sally.". Someone who truly loved their cats would not simply watch, no matter how "boring" it may be. THey would have been hugging them, showing their love. Why, your letter was very boring also, but did I let that stop me? No, I show my willingness to lower myself to your level because I am willing to feel pity for those beneath me. That my ratings will increase because of such sacrifice is only a helpful bonus.

So I implore you, foolish Pamie; don't go looking for answers from outside. Don't go spreading the blame, YOUR guilt on those who need you. They need your love, not your disinterest. Go to them! And if you find that you cannot do so simply from the words of this letter, I understand. My words are not easy for others to understand. Call my show. We'd love to have you and Cal and Taylor before a live studio office. Perhaps when the whole world knows you for your selfish cruelty, you will be willing to take the final step. I may even send you on a retreat, where you will learn your proper place in the household, as one who lives only to adulate those who love you, your children (or cats).

Writing with a heart rich with hope,

Sally Jesse

P.S. If you do find these words to be of use, and choose not to come to my show, please take the steps to tell everyone you know how helpful I was, and instruct them on the importance of finding the time and local channel so that they too, may be showered with my grace and beauty.

-- Anonymous, March 24, 2000