I'll go first.

Dear Jude Law and Cate Blanchett,

Please be in every movie together from now on. And I mean every movie ever made. Please get married and have babies. The two of you couldn't be more beautiful, up there at the podium with your perfect skin and your precious British accents. I was almost blinded by your gorgeousness.

Lots and lots of love, Leigh Anne

Dear Michael Caine,

Okay, I forgive you for winning the Best Supporting Actor award since your acceptance speech was so gracious and warm. Your mediocre turn in The Cider House Rules was far outshined by your appearance last night. All is forgiven.

Fondly (once again), Leigh Anne

Dear Drew Barrymore, What was up with your "necklace"? I was a little scared.

Bewildered, Leigh Anne

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

Answers

P.S. to Jude Law -- WHAT was with the sullen pouting thing during Michael Caine's acceptance speech? I mean, I can understand being a tad disappointed, but come on, you lost to Michael Caine! There's no shame in that. All of the other nominees were smiling and applauding, and there you sat, glowering. What was that about?

Mary Ellen

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

Jude was not glowering. I think he is just a little more reserved than, say Michael Clarke Duncan. I don't believe he really expected to win (I mean really, Tom Cruise? Haley? he didn't have a shot and he knew it), so what would he have to be pissed about?

Plus his reaction when Michael Caine said he would be a big star no matter what, was totally genuine and adorable. He looked really honored.

If you want to talk about sullen expressions, let's talk about Russell Crowe. Now granted I know nothing about the man, but jesus does he smile? Does his expression ever change. He scares me.

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

Dear Issac Hayes,

How sweet would it have been if after all of that smoke covered your poor little box you changed the lyrics to, "I'm coughin' 'bout Shaft"?

That's what I wanted to hear.

Not even Billy Crystal picked up on that one.

Thanks for being so cool that you made Garth Brooks look like an even bigger loser.

Love,
pamie

Dear Russell Crowe,

If you don't want to be there, you don't have to go.

Love,
pamie

Dear Jack Nicholson,

You weren't nominated this year. Please spend your time feeding your girlfriend instead of yapping.

love,
pamie

p.s.: you still rock.

Dear Fiona,

I'm sorry you didn't get any sweet loving last night. Why don't you write a new song about it? Just a suggestion.

love,
pamie

Dear Brad Pitt and Edward Norton,

I'm sorry you didn't get nominated for Fight Club. Thanks for still being really fucking sexy and cool anyway.

Love,
pamie

Dear Angelina Jolie,

Perhaps you should thank Susanna Kaysen for writing the book about her story? Just a suggestion.

love,
pamie

Dear Warren Beatty,

How long before last night did you know you were going to be giving a speech? Here's a tip from a fellow actor: rehearse your lines.

love,
pamie

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

Dear Tyra Banks:

Could you please not call every woman you interview "Miss Thang"? It got old after the first time. Maybe you should have practiced the whole "reporter" thing before the big pre-show show.

Thanks,
brie


Dear Meredith Viera:

Could you have looked at yourself in a full-length mirror before going on camera? Your dress made you look like there was something dreadfully wrong with your legs. Or maybe they really *are* put on backwards, in which case I apologize and hey, more power to you for not being afraid to show them off!

Yours,
brie


Erykah Badu:

If you're going to wrap yourself and your head in leather and raffia, could you wear it all night long and not just for the pre-show? I thought it was way cool but then you came out to present and you weren't wearing it anymore! And also, could you not wear the headwrap crooked? All through your interview I just wanted to reach out and straighten it for you.

That's all,
brie

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

Dear Matt Stone and Trey Parker, I know. Phil Collins? Whatthefuck? But you were the life of an otherwise dull party even though they wouldn't show you on-camera during the entire Oscar broadcast. It's okay, some of us saw your cool costumes on E! and on the Oscar Web site. You guys rock and we will remember Uncle Fucka much longer than that Tarzan crap. And the audience loved Blame Canada. Your stock just went way up.

Love
, Omar

Dear Kevin Spacey,

They should create an award every year just so you can win. Tell your mom I said hi.

Omar

Dear Jim Carrey,

You're too good for the Oscars. If they want you to entertain them, they should pay you just like they do Billy Crystal. We missed you, though.

omar

Dear Oscar Producers

Enough with the montages, already? There should be one for people who've died and that's it. By the time we got to the major categories, everybody was tired and cranky and the most important awards felt rushes. It's called pacing, people.

regrettably,
Omar

Dear Nicole Kidman

It's okay to be bored when your husband is being interviewed, just don't do it on international TV, okay?

Still attracted,
Omar

Dear Warren Beatty

I thought it would be really funny if you apologized for your sister's Golden Globe speech, but then you gave one that was just as bad. Is it in your genes or something?

No love
Omar

Dear Lucy Liu, Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore

Seperately, you're each pretty talented. Together, you're just annoying. Just. Shut. Up.

Call me
omar

Dear Billy Crystal

It's hard to be funny when everything around you is so boring, I know. Please come back next year. Please....

Omar

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

Dear camera people on the red carpet (for ABC):

Why didn't you show us the South Park guys in their dresses? Matt Stone made a lovely Gwyneth, and well, Trey Parker as Jennifer Lopez was at least hysterical.

Y'all suck,

Leigh Anne

Dear Jude Law (again):

I made you my wallpaper on my computer screen. I love you. Please call.

Yours,

Leigh Anne

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

dearest kevin spacey- my husband said that as long as he gets a child support cut, i can have your babies. when's a good time for you? call me.

the oscar producer-people: yeah, we all expected a long show, a given. but MY GOD, did you have to make it so freakin' boring?! i had people over, serving dinner, and felt like i had to APOLOGIZE for the show sucking. get rid of all the "ooh- production number" b.s. and just hand out the awards, damn you.

hilary swank- it's okay, baby. you can eat now.

charles! i thought you were dead! you looked propped up on the wall, trying not to fall out of frame, as you rocked on the piano. have to admit, though, we were betting if you'd just fall off the seat in a grande exit.

----i have three years to make my high school goal of winning five oscars and wearing my prom dress to the show. anyone gots any ideas?

thanks bunches, irene

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

Dear Hilary Swank,

Poor Chad Lowe. He was so happy for your win he was crying, and he whispered "i love you" to you when you won. Could you not have thrown him a bone and thanked him in your speech?

Dear Joan Rivers,

Good thing no one refers to you as a 'comedienne' any more. After seeing your preshow, I understand why. So please stop trying to tell jokes. ok?

Dear Erickah Badooooooo,

People have to sit behind you when you are wearing that behemoth on your head. Have a little recognition that there are *other* people in this world, and wear something smaller on your head at auditorium awards shows.

Dear south park guys,

You made my night. Thanks!

Kristin Thomas

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

Dear Kevin Spacey,

You almost had me there. I really thought you were finally going to come out of the closet during your acceptance speech, right there in front of millions of people around the world. But you chickened out, didn't you? You had to bring up that woman you use as your cover just to show how not gay you are. It's okay, though, I still love you, but just admit it already.

Love, Erin

Dear Jude Law,

Please make a good movie very soon so I don't have to sit through the Untalented Mr. Ripley again just to bask in your beauty. I'll do it if I have too, but only because of the bathtub scene. Maybe you could do some Calvin Klein underwear ads in the meantime to tide us over til your next film. I'm just sayin...

Love and other indoor sports, Erin

Dear Angelina Jolie,

EW. Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew. I really hope all this talk about your brother is just because he's got a movie coming out and you're trying to get him some publicity. Otherwise, just ew. And lose the wig, honey.

Not a whole lotta love, Erin

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

Dear Annette Bening,

You were robbed. Go commisserate with Cate Blanchett; she can tell you how to cope with this sort of thing.

Dear Erykah Badu,

Does the hotel you went to and raided the bathrooms at know that you took every towel they had to wear on your head?

Dear Faith Hill and Queen Latifah,

The last thing you should ever do is stand in front of film clips of Judy Garland and Barbra Streisand while you try to warble their songs. It makes for a bad, baaaaad comparison.

Dear Sally Field,

That Charles Schwab commercial is hilarious. And since you're never going to live down the "you like me, you like me" speech anyway, I applaud you for having a good sense of humor about it.

Dear Tyra Banks and Meredith Vieira,

Don't speak again. Ever.

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

Dear Russell Crowe,

I thought you were Rick Astley when the camera panned you for the first time, and I felt bad when I realized it was you 'cause I usually think you look hot. Then I noticed you completely bored out of your mind all night.

I don't feel bad anymore. Stay home.

(and call me) Melissa

Dear Angelina Jolie,

He's your BROTHER.

Ugh. Melissa

Dear Hilary Swank,

I didn't see your movie, but I understand you deserved the Oscar. Okay, congratulations. However, you looked about as un-surprised as it's possible for a human being to be--and you forgot to thank your oh-so-adorable hubby who sat in the audience crying. Bad move, girlfriend.

Kisses, Melissa

Dear God,

Cameron Diaz.

Why?

Perplexed, Melissa

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

Snippets from a letter sent to a friend: "Sunday night, won Oscar pool. $$. I rule.

(Especially as have seen less than 15% of movies being awarded. Especially as don't care about awards at all. Especially as didn't read any critical previews. Especially as really appreciated the free lunch money for 30 seconds worth of concentrated thought.)

Oscars seem to be occasion for no-holds-barred snarkiness each year. The evil & humor flowed thick and fast. There was also free (good) food.

Random collective observations:

Jack Nicholson = Mike Ditka minus football, beer and bratvursts. How the mighty hath fallen.

Dear Jack: That's not a good look for Ditka. Why would you think you'd look any better?

Dear Ashley Judd: Thank you for acknowledging that Tommy Lee Jones is indeed the coolest.

Erykah Badu = 5.5 feet tall, 1 foot of that was enormous green tablecloth wrapped around head (and, supposedly, one of the three still missing statuettes--har de har har).

Dear Erykah: I know you are a wee little person with a very big voice and a trademark fashion gimmick. I admire that you and your friend hand-sewed your gown out of raffia and leather scraps [note: not sarcasm!]. That's almost as cool as Judi Densch recycling last year's perfectly serviceably and flattering gown. Still, I pity the person who had to sit behind your enormous turban all night.

Simpsons "Canyonero" theme song was sung when huge SUV commercials aired. (One mile long and ten feet wide, has room for thirty-five inside,Canyonero!)

Dear Kevin Spacey: I wish you had said, "I've always wanted one, so I went out and got one. I rule!" (Then again, this would only be a great line if you didn't have one already.) Kudos to you for honoring thy mother. That rocks.

Dear Sullen "American Beauty" teens, esp. Mena "Fivehead" Suvari: It wouldn't have killed you to have smiled a little. Was this some bet you had with Russell?

Most egregious Hollywood moment of the evening (IMHO) was when the admittedly adorable Toy Story animated characters presented an award to a Russian emigre' who made a serious documentary about something like communism, lepers, man's inhumanity to man...i.e., "I ate turnips for three decades to make this film, my entire family was eradicated for opposing the czar...and I'm 90 years old and getting an award for my life's work...and it's presented by a virtual Mr. Potato Head feeling up a sullen Gwyneth Paltrow and Tim Allen's voice in a robot suit." Gah. It was *almost* as inappropriate as giving Keanu Reeves(!) multi-syllabic words to say. (We were crying with laughter.)

Dear Keanu: It's okay. You admit freely that you're a big dumb guy. Honesty gets you far. You also win a point for using "synthesis" correctly in a sentence prior to the show. Please don't confess that you practiced that little snippet of chit-chat for weeks.

Crazy Sister Shirley was not on hand to honor the [ahem] extremely productive Warren Beatty due to an endless Streisand tribute across town. Evidence of Warren's productiveness glowed at his side and threatened to give birth at any second.

Dear Warren: You knew about this award for HOW long and you still fumbled through that rambling digressive speech? Tsk!

Angelina Jolie played slap and tickle and tongue hockey with her brother all night and then, just in case no one noticed, pronounced her deep and abiding in-love-ness to the entire world when on stage accepting her Oscar for her breakout role in which she plays a disturbed drug-addled self-mutilator (i.e., she played herself). All this while looking like Morticia. No one was shocked by her familial antics, as this is the same woman who carved her husband-to-be's name into her flesh and then painted her dress with gore on her wedding day. Brings new flavor to the phrase "troubled".

Dear Angelina: You're way cool and all, but your excessive closeness to your siblings makes us squirm. Wait...Jon Voight's your dad? We get it now. All is forgiven. As you were.

Dear Matt & Trey: *hee hee hee hee hee!!* I wish you'd won the award. We were pulling for you. P.S. Your frocks were lovely.

It was entertaining, all in all, but by 10 or so, we were all *way* over it. Like last year and the year before that and the year before that. Some of us were over it long before the first award was awarded."

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

Forgot one:

Dear Mena Suvari,

You looked like Ivana Trump. Call someone for help. Fast.

Omar

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

I am so glad that I am not the only one who noticed that Hillary did not thank her husband. He had tears rolling down his sweet little cheeks, and she said nothing. And you know everyone, including him thought she was going to say, "and last but not least I want to thank my husband Chad who is sitting in the audience right now so proud of me....". Did you see his face when she said last but not least Brandon Teena?

Good god.

I was really happy that she won, but I thought she could have been a little more excited or emotional or something. I really can't stand Gwyneth, but I thought her acceptance speech last year was so sweet and genuine.

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

Dear Meredith Vieira,

Don't forget to take your View co-hosts with you when you disappear off the face of the Earth. I meean, I assume you'll have to after that atrocious pre-show performance where you ran into the auditorium and said, "these are all the muckety-mucks. I want celebrities. Charlize! Charlize!" Honey, there was a reason Charlize didn't turn around the first three times you called.

Goodbye, Heather ------------ Dear Annette Bening, It would've been funny if you'd faked labor pains during Hilary's speech. Or better yet, during Warren's. Just a thought. Love, Heather ---------- Dear Dionne Warwick, You looked good considering the Oscar producers completely, unexpectedly, pulled you out of their asses. Peace, Heather -------- Dear M. Night Shyamalan, Sorry the Oscar producers spelled your name "M. Knight" on the big- screen. That's embarrassing at your first Academy Awards ceremony. Will we be seeing more dead people when you exact your revenge? Goodnight, Heather

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

Dear Kevin "Spaceman" Spacey,

I do enjoy you. You are fun. You are talented. You are mine.

Yours always, Amy

Dear Hillary Swank,

You have big teeth. Good job winning, next time don't leave poor Chad out in the cold.

With a big ass grin on my face, Amy

Dear Drew Barrymore,

I don't want to see your, um, crack. Please cover up.

Averting My Eyes, Amy

Dear Wes Bentley,

You are scary but cute. Please shave off all that awful facial hair.

Love you (but not as much as the Spaceman), Amy

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

Dear Hilary Swank,

Thank you for reminding me of what an Oscar acceptance speech should be -- by being so completely unmoved, ungrateful, and uninterested that I retreated into memories of Gwyneth's beautiful acceptance last year. I hope Chad dumped you this morning. -shane

Dear Camera Guy Who Got The Shot of That Woman's Breast Falling Out Of Her Totally Inappropriate Gown,

Thanks for another great Oscar memory. -shane

Dear Everybody,

Annette Bening's pregnant and the Oscars were stolen. We get it. Now can we please have some new jokes? -shane

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

Dear Queen Latifah,

Don't listen to Lee. You rule.

Love, Leigh Anne

Dear Jude, my love, It's me again. Please do listen to Erin. Underwear ads are nothing to be ashamed of.

Waiting for you, Leigh Anne

Dear Meredith Viera,

You were so totally drunk. You may as well have just said so. I was humiliated on your behalf when you sat in Clint Eastwood's lap. What did he do to deserve that kind of spectacle? Go away.

No love, Leigh Anne

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

Dear Meredith Viera,

Well... at least you aren't Joan Rivers.

Optimistically, -Rachael

Dear TV Advertisers,

Better commercials than the SuperBowl. Yay for you.

Ready to go buy some clothes from the Gap, -Rachael

Dear Oscar producers,

Even though I love her, you should have played off Angelina Jolie. "Girl Interrupted"? Get it? Ha ha ha. I'm so funny.

Ingeniously, -Rachael

Dear people who pick the clips they're going to air,

Thanks for putting in the Election scene where I'm in the background. You rock.

-Rachael

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

Dear Ashley Judd, I'm not really a big fan of yours, so this should be even more meaningful: You looked absolutely beautiful. So beautiful, in fact, I wore lavender eyeshadow today in a pathetic attempt to...I don't know what I was pathetically attempting to do, but anyway, I did it.

Dear Jude Law, Why didn't I go see The Talented Mr. Ripley? You're yummy.

Dear Erykah Badu, Why? That's all. Why?

Dear *NSYNC... JC, please get a better razor. You seem to be missing a spot just above your lip when you shave. If this shadow of a mustache is something you're trying on purpose...see my letter to Erykah. Joey, you poor thing. I don't know about everyone else, but I noticed how you lost your footing and almost tripped down the stairs. And yet you kept on going like the Energizer Bunny, with a smile on your face. I'll give you props for that, but I have to take them right back because you wore that stupid dress-length jacket. Justin, my girl Lisa said your hair looked scary.

Dear Producers or whoever, Why don't you get someone interesting to host the preshow next year? And, good grief, does the entire ceremony have to be so long?

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

Dear E! and Eonline: Pretty good job on the coverage this year. Good and trashy, as usual. Melissa Rivers has GOT to go, though. I'm sorry, but what an idiot! Joan wasn't nearly as annoying as usual: didn't screw up facts nearly as much as last year, didn't ask EVERYONE "who are you wearing?", etc., and she even told Matt Stone and Trey Parker they looked fabulous! (How great was that?) The online pics of the stars are pretty good, too, even if there are too few. However, on that note, you really screwed up! There is a great picture of Matt & Trey and Marc Shaiman (http://www.eonline.com/Features/Awards/Oscars2000/Gallery/photo16.htm l), who was co-nominated with Trey for Best Song (and yes, it should have won!) -- but you have it labeled Matt Stone, Trey Parker & bud!! The guy was NOMINATED and you can't even put his name on the picture? Give the guy a little credit. That's all I'm sayin'. yours in TV trash,
liz Dear Haley Joel Osment, You totally deserved that Oscar, and you also deserved to have been nominated in the Best Actor category instead, since you WERE that movie; you were in damn near every scene. However, you do have the rest of your life to win one, and I'm sure you will. And how awesome was that for Michael Caine to mention you (albeit along with everyone else) in his acceptance speech? stay as cute as you are,
liz Dear Michael Caine, You are class personified (even if you do still have that silly low- class Cockney accent). your in low class,
liz Dear Gwyneth, Honey, we know you weren't nominated this year, but if you're going to be presenting, could ya at least buy a nice dress and fix your hair up nice? Looks like you just pulled out the first thing you found in your closet, and did your hair with a chip clip (and no mirror) in the limo on the way. Trey Parker looked better last night than you did! I'm just sayin'. later, girlfriend,
liz Dear Warren, I'm so glad I stepped out for a smoke during the Thalberg award. Apparently I didn't miss anything. (Where was that cool yet longwinded sister of yours, anyway? What'd you do to piss her off? Don't you go messin' with my Shirley now, ya heah?) a non-breeder, so you can breed all you want,
liz Dear Cher, I think your "I know I'm dressed like a grown-up tonight and I promise to never do it again" quip was the funniest thing that happened all night. You still rock, babe, even if your music doesn't. keep wearin' the black,
liz Dear Academy, I'm beginning to think you rig these things. First, last year you had Sophia Loren give out the Best Actor Oscar, like you KNEW a fellow Italian, Roberto Benigni, would win. This year you had Penilope Cruz (who was IN "All About My Mother") and Antonio Banderas (who pretty much got his start by being in Almodovar's films) give away the Best Foreign Language Film Oscar, like you KNEW a fellow Spaniard would win. Next time, don't make it so obvious. And maybe it would be a good idea if you had someone who was NOT in one of the nominated films give out the award? Then maybe the people who didn't know what the hell was going on (i.e., when Penilope just screamed "PEDRO!") would actually know who won. I'm just sayin'. And another thing -- you cut all the musical/dance numbers (well, most of them), and the damn thing STILL went 30 minutes over? AND you cut off people who deserved to give acceptance speeches as long as they wanted (yet the Matrix f/x guy got to ramble on all night... but I digress). How in hell does that happen? Oh, yeah, all those TOTALLY POINTLESS MONTAGES! Maybe if you cut all that crap with child actors and medleys of former best song winners (sung mostly by people who had NO BUSINESS being on stage, much less butchering the songs they were singing)... maybe then you wouldn't have to cut off people who have waited their whole lives to get up on that stage and thank everyone they ever met. Just a thought. One more thing: I have never understood the moratorium on ads for movies during the Oscars. Get over yourselves, OK? I mean, the Oscars are like the Superbowl for film fans, and we might as well get to see what new movies are coming out, right? That has got to be the most ridiculous of all of your rules. That I can think of at this minute. not much love, but still love the Oscars,
liz Dear squishy posters, The first thing Hilary Swank did at the press conference backstage was admit that she was so nervous she forgot to thank Chad, and proceded to thank him very eloquently. I know nobody got to see it, but at least she finally remembered. As she told Matt Lauer later, she had that piece of paper with everyone's name she wanted to thank written on it, but she didn't have her husband's name on it, because how could she forget to thank him? (Guess that'll learn her, huh?) But I'm with ya on one thing: she could have at least ACTED happier - - we've seen her act, we know she can! Or maybe she's just "poised." Yeah, so poised she forgot to thank her beloved hubby! Thanks for the fun topic, leigh anne!
liz

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

Dear Internet:

I don't know what is up with this, but I promised I spaced everything in my posting properly! Sorry it's all run together. I didn't mean to be so annoying, I promise.

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

dear michael caine,

while your speech was quite warm and you did honor your fellow nominees ... who gives a crap? you still walked away with the award and you STOLE it from tom, who clearly deserved it. now i'm definitely skipping over your "feel-good" movie of the year.

disrespectfully yours, megan.

dear nicole kidman,

your dress was ugly and so is your attitude. you don't deserve tom!

forget you, megan.

dear jack nicholson,

lose the 'stache ... and take your girlfriend out to dinner. she needs to eat!

not as hungry as lara flynn boyle, megan.

dear phil collins,

you suck. aimee mann is the coolest. "blame canada" deserved to win! take your adult contemporary crap and hide out making another disney movie i won't watch.

you're not in my heart, megan.

dear chad lowe,

i would have thanked you first!

so sorry, megan.

dear billy crystal,

i missed you last year. so glad you're back! please come and visit again in 2001. the show is pure crap with you, trust me.

hated whoopi as host, megan.

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

sorry, billy. i meant "without" you.

lots of love, megan.

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

Dear Hollywood:

Stop. Just...STOP.

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

What's with the reference to Cate B's British accent ? Did she put one on or something ?

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

Dear Haley Joel Osment...child actors are creepy. Ok, so you were good in "The Sixth Sense", I'll give you that, but you're 11 years old and you shmooze like you've been doing it for years. I read about how you cried when you lost the Golden Globe for like thirty minutes and Harrison Ford had to go and console you. My friends all think I'm the devil for thinking you are a spoiled brat for that, but I do. At least you didn't cry at the Oscars. Start acting your age and I'll like you more. Because my approval is everything.

Love, Lisa

Dear Joan Rivers,

You are insane. What was up with that reference in the beginning to dildos and Depends? Gross.

Love, Lisa

Dear Hillary Swank,

Your chin is so sharp and pointy, you are going to take someone's eye out if you're not careful. I wanted Julianne Moore to win, so I'm even more bitter about you getting the Oscar. I just cannot take anyone seriously that played Steve's girlfriend on 90210. Sorry.

Love, Lisa

Dear Clint Eastwood,

When did you get your eyes sewn shut? Because I know you're old and everything, but I could not see any eyeballs in those sockets. I also liked how you totally did NOT want Meredith Viera to sit on your lap. Who can blame you? The dis was awesome.

Love, Lisa

Dear Jude Law,

You are one fine piece of ass. That is all.

Love, Lisa

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

I think they're confusing the Australian accent with the British accent again. That happens alot.

Dear Thora Birch,

I know it sucks to barely even be included in all those American Beauty clips even though you're credited third in the cast list, and having to watch naked Mina Suvari in all her rose petal glory over and over again, but you looked really, really sad, not only last night but in every picture I see you. What's going on?

Lots of love, Ariana

Dear Wes Bentley,

You look just like George Harrison.

Lots of love, Ariana

Dear Madeline Kahn,

I still miss you.

Lots of love, Ariana

Dear Cate Blanchett,

Curse Gwynnie! You were robbed! I know that was last year but I'm still mad about that. Love the dress.

Lots of love, Ariana

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

Dear People who called me out on Cate's accent:

Oversight. I know better.

Humbled, Leigh Anne

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

Dear Angelina Jolie,

Hey. Congrats on winning the Oscar and all. Um.... But what is up with the Elvira - Mistress of the Dark / Morticia thing you've got goin' on these days? Not that it's a bad thing, but usually that look is reserved for Halloween and besides it is just so 1988 and all. I guess it's an improvement over that fucked up grey hair you were sporting not too long ago. Ok, thanks.

Also, I may be wrong but incest is illegal in this country, Angelina... dear. So if you're going to play grab ass with your brother, it might be a good idea to do that behind closed doors. Enough said I think.

All my best,

Ellin

Dear Hilary Swank,

May I call you Hil? Thanks. So, Hil, you really fucked up and didn't mention Chad, right? He looked like a little deflated balloon out there in the audience, it was very sad. You already got that big head and all I guess. Forgetting the the little people who have been there, I hope he drops your scrawny ass. AND EAT A GOD DAMNED FRENCH FRY OR A HO-HO.

Best,

Ellin

Dear Jack,

Hey man, congrats on your scoring with that head on stilts. Think of how much you save on dinners and popcorn at movies. And you could always put her to bed on the venetian blinds, not that you would but it must be comforting to have that option available for you. The glasses were an interesting touch to your new look by the way, but what was with the hair-do? Yeech!

Best of luck with your white Ethiopian poster child girlfriend,

Ellin

Dear Kevin Spacey,

You are too cute. You RULE.

Ellin

Dear Annette,

I don't know if you deserved the award, but I am sorry you didn't win. I was hoping to see you lumber up those steps, and how cute it would have been if you had to be carried back stage or if Warren had to come and help you. Ok, I need to get a life.

Best of luck with that baby,

Ellin

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

Dear Roberto Benigni,

Thanks for being the most interesting and excited person I saw in the hour that I watched the Oscars. But couldn't you have been more excited that Hilary Swank won? That's okay, you're still great. Yours, Emily

Dear Nicole Kidman,

Get rid of those horrible gloves! What were you thinking?

Emily

Dear Hilary Swank,

Even though I haven't seen "Boys Don't Cry", thanks for making it. And thanks for an eloquent and insightful acceptance speech (and I won't mention a thing about not looking happy or forgetting Chad...). You seem like a pretty cool woman!

Your fan, Emily

Dear Academy,

Could you please expand your horizons and pick more than one movie to focus your attention on? Sure, American Beauty was a good movie and all, but couldn't you have chosen another one for atleast *some* of the awards at the end of the night, if only so I wouldn't have to look at that crazy woman in a blue dress in the midst of all the American Beauty people?

Thanks, Emily

Dear Crazy Woman in the Blue Dress in the midst of all the American Beauty people:

Woah! Why were you so excited? Not even the people who won the awards were that excited. And I was in awe of how big you could make your mouth seem. Bravo. Atleast you were entertaining. But still, what in the world were you doing, jumping up and down, laughing and hugging?

Emily

And finally, to the woman who kept licking her lips whenever the camera was on her:

Buy some chapstick! Why were your lips so dry that they needed licking every 2 seconds? (yeah, it's a long show, but still...why?) But thanks for making us laugh. You were fun to make fun of.

Emily

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

and I forgot this in my original post:

Dear Camera people:

Yes, we know Annette Benning is pregnant. We know she could have had her baby at any minute during the awards ceremony. But did you have to pan the camera over to her every 30 seconds just to make sure she wasn't in labour yet????

Annoyed at you, Emily

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

Dear George Lucas, all I can say is, suck shit. The Aussies beat you with The Matrix. Where did your Phantom Menace hype machine get you, eh? NOWHERE!!!!! HA!!!!!

Dear Being John Malkovich, I'm so, so sorry. That screenplay award should've been yours. The only consolation is that American Beauty was at least your only serious rival. I'd have rioted if an unworthy contender had won.

Dear Aimee Mann, and Messrs Stone and Parker, I'm also so, so sorry. But you should've known the Academy would go for the Disney song. Anyone who seriously thought Disney would not be beaten should be taken out the back and be beaten themselves.

Dear Erykah Badu, that headdress makes you look like a freak. What the hell are you hiding under that thing?

Dear Oscars ceremony, please promise me that you'll never run for more than two hours again and that you'll be witty and entertaining and not crass for those duration, and I'll watch you again.

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

Pamie:

Thanks for letting me post. I'm one of the older posters (almost 40). This hearkens me back to those good old days -- before I turned 30. If I say anything stupid, just remember -- I'm old.

Dear Megan:

To paraphrase my boyfriend, Kevin Spacey, "YOU RULE!" I agree with everything you said! ROCK ON!!

Dear Chloe Sevigny:

Get over this jealousy thing you have about Hilary Swank. You knew she was going to win, so don't sit behind her flashing her the death look. And who was that long, stringy haired guy you were with?

Dear Angelina Jolie:

When you play yourself, that's not acting. Get off your brother. THAT IS SOOOOOOO, SOOOOOOO, TOTALLY WRONG.

Dear Kevin Spacey:

Sexual preferences aside, I LOVE YOU! You are one sexy man. You have replaced Eddie Vedder (but not Dave Grohl) as my boyfriend.

Dear Gwynnie:

First of all, Cate Blanchett was SOOOOOO totally robbed last year. Here's a hint: go see "Boy's Don't Cry." That's what a woman is supposed to look like when she's trying to pull off the fact she's a guy. Never bought you as a man in "Shakespeare in Love." Ben Affleck is a freakin' saint. Any guy who hears, "And I'd like to thank my REALLY GOOD FRIEND, Ben Affleck" time and time again, deserves to commit an act of homicidal rage. Oh, and Gwynnie, try and buck up. It can't be about YOU every single year. Last year you got all the attention, this year it's someone else's turn. Go see mommy. She's indulged you your whole life -- go cry to her. P.S. That dress last year -- IT WAS TOO DAMN BIG!!! Should have talked to Julia - she could have given you some Erin Brockovich cleavage tips

Dear Denzel:

No one saw "The Hurricane." The Academy is a bunch of lazy asses. If their friend tells them they're voting for Kevin Spacey, what do you think they're gonna do?

Dear Randy Newman:

You are DA MAN! You should have run onstage and kicked Phil Collins' Disney money sucking butt. I liked your song the best. It made me cry.

Dear Robin Williams:

Thanks for livening up the joint. I bet you watch "South Park" at home and laugh your ass off.

Dear Billy Crystal:

Come back every year. You are the best. Nobody banters with Nicholson like you do.

Dear Tom Cruise:

You, my friend, were ripped -- big time. Ditch that bitch of a wife, man. She's bad news.

Dear Academy:

Being John Malkovich? Magnolia? Jim Carrey? Ring a bell??

You're all a bunch of losers.

Dear Russell Crowe:

What's the matter? Did you and Jodie have a fight? You're WAAAAY cute, my Australian brother, but if you're that serious all the time, no thank you.

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

Dear John Irving- Even though Cider House Rules is my fourth favorite book of yours, you rock. One favor though...if you consider screen adaptation in the future, try remaking A Prayer for Owen Meany. Simon Birch sucked.

Dear Cameron Diaz- Your balloons looked deflated. The buttons you didn't fasten were there for a good reason.

Dear Matrix crew- I'm dying here. Start with the sequels. You guys are awesome and congrats on winning.

Dear Fiona Apple- Die. Crawl under a rock and die. Isn't your 15 minutes up YET?

Dear Ray Charles- Why did they squish you between the piano and the swimming pool wall? Could you breathe?

Dear Producers- Cut the bits. I grew weary of the musical montages and crap. There was a storng urge to forget you and just watch The Sopranos. You won, but not by much.

Kelley

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

Dearest Haley Joel Osment,

You were ROBBED. And that is another issue I've had - best supporting actor? You were the freaking lead? Doesn't the Acadamy know anything? Oh well. We still love you, even if the voters don't know jack about nurturing talent.

I'm starting to feel all motherly, so I'll stop scaring you now,

sammy

Dear Russell Crowe,

I know, it's okay, baby. Thankyou for not putting on a fake smile. I'd have been pissed too. You put on weight for that damn movie! You aged sixteen years! You do a better American accent than Michael Caine ever will do (yes, I know I'm transgressing between categories, sorry)! You rock. Thankyou for being real!

with empathy,

sammy

Dear Kevin Spacey,

You're still cool though. I don't know what they're all talking about. You're not gay!

not wanting to be proven wrong,

sammy

Dear Toni Collette,

You too were robbed. I hope you win something soon, or else I run the risk of becoming bitter. Oh, too late.

you're the best,

sammy

Dear everyone else:

I actually taped the Awards, if you can believe my patheticness, so I'll finish watching it tonight. But Angelina, what I saw of you - I didn't know that guy was your brother! Ew. I could have sworn he was like, your husband or something. Blech.

looking forward to watching it all,

sammy

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2000

Howdy, Kevin!

How does it feel to get an award out of a trashcan? Pretty appropriate, all things considered, huh?

Here's another one: I hereby crown you the Emperor of Suck.

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2000

Dear Niki, and various other posters,

Cate Blanchett is from AUSTRALIA. She "put on" an American accent for "The Talented Mr. Ripley" and "Pushing Tin." She "put on" a British accent for "Elizabeth."

Just trying to clear things up,

liz

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2000

Dear Hilary Swank,

Man, some of these folks are pretty tough on you. I know you probably feel really crummy about forgetting to thank Chad. I saw your interview on the red carpet beforehand in which you went on a beautiful diatribe about how great Chad was at seeing your inner beauty during the filming, and how grateful you were to that. I was really moved by that, and he clearly was, too. That doesn't make up for leaving him out while up on stage, but I know you're not a cold- hearted bitch for it. I remember the year Dustin Hoffman completely blanked and forgot to thank Tom Cruise when he won for Rain Man. He had already left the stage and later forced his way back out to the podium to thank him. That was pretty cool, but I wouldn't have the guts to do it either.

I'm glad you won.

Love,

Leigh Anne

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2000

Dear Hillary Swank,

I understand that the night we spent together had a profound effect on your speech. I told you you were gonna win, even though I hadn't seen your performance.Next time (and there will be a next time if you decide to do another Karate Kid movie) don't dis Chad that way. We have hurt him enough already.

Yours in adultry, Mical

Kevin, this is Mical. Sources close to my imagination tell me that you and I will be working together soon. I'm drawing up the papers. I'll be in touch.

Already off book, Mical

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2000

mical and kevin- don't forget about me. i'm serious (and have a useless "motion picture production" college education to prove it, though i now work in a completely non-filmmaking atmosphere, i still live in austin, so that counts for something, eh? oh, and i used to edit for a guy who was on a team that one a technical oscar. see? that's pretty cool. oh, and i'm kinda cute in a quirky sorta way, too.).

keeping it, like, totally real, irene

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2000

my god, i meant "won" not "one."

i need a new job.

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2000

Dear Tom:

I was so upset that you didn't win the oscar that I threw my sneaker at the TV and my (other) boyfriend got mad at me. You know I love ya lots 'n all, but please don't clap so obviously too heartily when your fellow nominees win the award each time. I know you're the man, but its okay.....

And once I can rescue you from that cult, I will show you the light and you'll finally see "Nic" for the self serving giraffe she is. You are taller than me. I love you more. Dump her and marry me. You signed a pre-nup, right?

The key's under the mat,

Shelagh

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2000

Shelagh...

I read all the posts, got to yours, and started cackling out loud. You are too funny. Nic IS a giraffe. *heehee*

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2000

Dear Oscars,

I'm sorry I forgot about you until 11:00pm this year. I will try to watch more of you in the future.

Dear Hilary Swank,

I was happy as a clam that you won, because you deserve it, but FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE thank your sweet, crying, adorable husband. Him and the person the story is really about. That's all. I don't care as much about everyone else -- those two should have been first on your list. But you still rock, and I loved your dress so much -- want to come over to my house and teach me how to dress like that and cut my hair like that? I'll teach you how to appreciate your husband in public.

Dear Roberto Begnini,

You are too cute for words; I love you. Was your cutie-pie wife there, too? Did I miss her? Hum.

Love to all, Lindsay

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2000

Chicken Grrl,

I'm fully aware that Cate Blanchett is Australian. The reference to her 'british accent' confused me as it was mentioned in regard to her presentation at the Oscars (ie real life when she wasn't 'putting it on' for a film) but this was cleared up when Leigh Anne said she'd just made a mistake.

Cheers,

Niki

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2000

Dear Hilary:

People are tough :) but I saw you try to get back to the mic after your speech when you realized you had left Chad out. They always hustle people off --especially after Warren made that meandering speech. I have read enough things before and after the awards to know how much you love your husband. Thank you for mentioning Brandon in your speech. Thank you for having the courage to make a tough movie. You captured the fear and discomfort with the wrong body perfectly. It was looking into the face of my husband.

I forgive you for 90210 -- people gotta eat. You showed you have depth and I am glad the Academy bothered to notice.

Oh... Angelina..the brother thing? Eww ditto what others have said. Icky.

Meridith

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2000

Dear Russell Crowe,

I'll take you all pouty, baby.

Call me,

alexis

Dear Garth Brooks,

You HAD to show up on the Oscars, too? Is nothing sacred?

I still hate you,

alexis

Dear Mortic...I mean Angelina,

I have 2 brothers. I love my brothers, but I don't LOVE my brothers. It's just icky.

Incest isn't best,

alexis

Dear Tom,

While I'm 5'10"....just like Nicole, I am NOT a giraffe...I don't care if you're shorter than me and I promise I wouldn't look bored!

alexis

Dear Brad Pitt,

Couldn't you have washed your hair, hon? It looked baaaaad.

biolage forever,

alexis

Dear Producers/whoever decides to pair up the presenters,

Don't you ever ever EVER scare me like that again!!!!! When Keanu and Charlize walked out, I almost fainted. I was so afraid that they were going to try southern accents again. I love you, Charlize, don't get me wrong....and of course, Keanu baby....I think you are a cutie...I don't want you talking. Just stand there, k?

thanks,

alexis

-- Anonymous, March 29, 2000

Dear Everyone,

Am I the only person who'd never heard of "Topsy Turvy" prior to watching the Academy Awards?

Possibly living under a rock, Jamie

Dear Everyone Again,

Not trying to be evil here, but did you all want Haley to win because you really thought he was the best actor? Or because he's 11 years old? I very rarely go to the movies, so I hadn't seen the performances of any up for Best Supporting Actor, so I don't really know, and I love kids so it's not like I'm trying to screw the kid over or anything, I'm just curious, because to me I was so excited for him to be nominated, to win over a few seasoned performers would have been nothing less than extraordinary.

Just wondering, please don't hate me, Jamie

-- Anonymous, March 29, 2000

jamie- i never heard of "topsy turvy" either, but it looked positively *delightful* (snicker).

as far as the kid goes... i'm probably one of a handful that didn't see "6th sense," but if there ever was a kid that should get an award for being a great actor, it's the kid from "ma vie en rose (my life in pink)" which came out a few years ago.

-- Anonymous, March 29, 2000

dear jamie and irene,

topsy turvy does look good. i've seen a full-length trailer for it, and i really do want to see the whole movie as soon as possible. do you know if it's on video yet? i'm sure i could easily find out.

as for haley joel osment, i was skeptical about the hype myself until i saw the sixth sense. then i just fell in love with the kid (not in an angelina jolie kind of way). he did an incredible job. i'm 26 and i'm not sure i'm as mature as he is. which is kind of spooky on both ends, but i digress. i think if you measure his age in relation to his performance, it comes out far superior to that of -- at least -- michael caine. tom cruise was surprisingly good in magnolia, so i wouldn't have minded if he'd won. i also wouldn't have minded if jude law had one just so i could see him one more time. mmmmm.

basically the only nominee for best supporting actor whom i didn't like was the one who ended up with the statue. (sigh.)

leigh anne

-- Anonymous, March 29, 2000

dammit, i did it too! it must be contagious!

won, not one.

-- Anonymous, March 29, 2000

I just saw Topsy-Turvy last night, and it was actually pretty good. Now I don't begrudge it its awards so much. But, anyway..

Dear Michael Caine,
That was a very nice acceptance speech. But it would have been nicer coming from Haley Joel Osment.

Dear Angelina Jolie,
Honey, it's all cool to be happy and excited because you won an Oscar, but I swear to God if I have to watch you fondling your brother one more time I am going to destroy you with waves of pure thought. I mean, he's your brother. Come on.

Dear Jack Nicholson,
Lose the mustache. We still love you anyway, but it makes you look like a dork.

Dear Sarah MacLachlan,
Sweetie, don't you listen to those mean people I heard on the radio this morning. Your arms are not fat. You were very pretty.

Dear Matrix guys,
Your movie rocked, but you guys are losers. It's not cool to plug your movie's website when you're accepting the Oscar. Ditto on spouting off lame catchphrases from said movie. And here's a clue: if your name isn't Chow Yun Fat or Keanu Reeves, you don't get to wear a black PVC trenchcoat thing.

Dear Trey and Matt,
You were robbed. But you looked fabulous.

Dear Robin Williams,
We could tell your heart wasn't in it. I guess ever since that bad doctor movie you were in, you've lost your touch with wacky comedy. Which is a shame, because you really suck as a serious actor.

Dear Spike Jonze,
We all know your movie deserved at least half of those awards. Don't let the turkeys get you down, man.

Love,
Jan

-- Anonymous, March 29, 2000

Dear everyone...

RUN to see "Topsy-Turvy" when you have the chance! (It probably won't be out on video for a while, though, because it was just released in January.) I am sure some people will find it boring, but I found it exquisite! I was so thrilled that it won two Oscars (even though I hadn't picked it for those two categories -- what was I thinking?). It really is a delightful tale, with wonderful performances. And it's the only movie I've ever seen about the making of a play where they actually show whole scenes (or musical numbers, really) of the play, and not cut away before you've had a chance to appreciate it. Really lovely!

Dear Niki -- Sorry, hon, I meant no offense about darling Cate! I guess I also misunderstood what you said. I just wanted to make sure that everyone else knew she was actually Australian -- because I'm such a know-it-all it's impossible for me to shut my trap sometimes!

regards, all, and go see "Topsy-Turvy"!!!

liz

-- Anonymous, March 29, 2000

just read a blurb in the *cough* "austin-american statesmen" that said brandon teena's mom is really peeved at hilary for the speech she made. mom mentioned that hilary should have called her by her given name, etc.

i guess mom has a right to bitch, i don't think i'd be so petty. (of course, i'm not her. little disclaimer there, folks.)

-- Anonymous, March 29, 2000

Dear chad lowe

I'm sure you were honestly very happy for Hillary, and that those tears were real and that you are probably the sweetest man on the planet. HOWEVER. I'm pretty sure I saw you do that same face more than once on Life Goes On. Mabey thats just how you look when you are laughing through your tears but it makes me cringe. I feel like you are about to get hit or kicked or something. Please stop. I'm having nightmares about it. and its pissing me off.

nothing personal, jess

-- Anonymous, March 29, 2000

Dear Chad Lowe,

Don't listen to Jessica. She's an android, hence, the whole no- feelings thing. You go ahead and cry for your wife every time she wins the greatest award that's offered for her line of work. I'd cry for Jessica and she'd love every second of it. However, you might want to break out the classifieds and look for a friggin job. You're starting to smell like Parker Stevenson. Thanks for your time. Hillary says take out the trash. I'd listen to her.

jeff

-- Anonymous, March 29, 2000

i guess mom has a right to bitch, i don't think i'd be so petty. (of course, i'm not her. little disclaimer there, folks.)

Inspired by the above :)

Dear Ms. Brandon:

Why are you throwing venom at Hilary Swank? She did your son a lot of justice. Really. I have read lots and lots about your story and I know you didn't accept Brandon for who he was. I also know that you two were not very close and he hadn't lived in your house for a long long time. Even if you don't think he was truly transsexual -- stop being so angry. It's ruining your health and making you unhappy. This movie can teach a lot of people and you said on 20/20 that you didn't care how people remembered Brandon as long as they did.

Please try to look at the movie as something positive. And please put a vase on Brandon's grave so we can leave flowers. I was there are he is the only one who doesn't. It makes me sad.

Meridith

-- Anonymous, March 29, 2000

i guess mom has a right to bitch, i don't think i'd be so petty. (of course, i'm not her. little disclaimer there, folks.)

Inspired by the above :)

Dear Ms. Brandon:

Why are you throwing venom at Hilary Swank? She did your son a lot of justice. Really. I have read lots and lots about your story and I know you didn't accept Brandon for who he was. I also know that you two were not very close and he hadn't lived in your house for a long long time. Even if you don't think he was truly transsexual -- stop being so angry. It's ruining your health and making you unhappy. This movie can teach a lot of people and you said on 20/20 that you didn't care how people remembered Brandon as long as they did.

Please try to look at the movie as something positive. And please put a vase on Brandon's grave so we can leave flowers. I was there and he is the only one who doesn't have one. It makes me sad.

Meridith

-- Anonymous, March 29, 2000

Dear Angelina, The Marisa Tomei/Mira Sorvino line is to the left. That's more of a warning than a prediction. Please feel free to prove me wrong.

Waiting for a good movie, Marie

Dear Roberto, I know this is very late but thank you for your honest enthusiasm last year. I know it might be a tall order but please visit Hollywood more often and bring lots of family/friends to the awards next year if you are going. You are the only one who has ever given me both of the following impressions 1.that you're sincerely having a good time. 2.that you are grateful and NOT entitled to be there. You really seem like a lovely man. You and the wife can come over for dinner any time, Marie

Dear Academy, Not just ONE but SEVERAL awards to the MATRIX?! A nomination to SOUTH PARK THE MOVIE?! Thank you! I guess you don't take yourselves as seriously as I thought. Maybe I'll actually watch some of the show next year. Amazed that you might have actually watched The Matrix- (http://www.bigempire.com/filthy/thematrix.html), Marie

P.S. Nevermind. Reschedule the enemas. You refused to show the South Park guys on TV? You took out the dance numbers only to torture everyone with all those montages? You took how many hours to stroke your bloated egos? I definitely won't be watching next year. Thanks for not wasting my time. Unamazed once again, Marie

Dear American Public, Can we all agree to stop encouraging them? This is just ridiculous. They give us the pre-show, the show, the post-show, the newpaper articles, the magazine articles, the fashion commentary....ah forget it. They wouldn't even notice if everyone stopped caring. All I ask for now is more Jude Law so please encourage them when it comes to him. Thanks, Marie

-- Anonymous, March 30, 2000

Dear Chad Lowe,

I hope your happy. Now Jeff cries when I get my friggin mail, just to show me how supportive he is. See what you've started? But he does have a point about the Parker stench. Last time i saw him he was shirtless on Baywatch. And between you and me- damn I can't even say it, its so mean. Just ...get a job.

Jeff! Stop crying! I didn't say it!

je

-- Anonymous, April 01, 2000