Did you see "High Fidelity"? Remember how the main character called up all his old girlfriends to try to figure out what went wrong with their relationships?

Anybody ever done this? Anybody ever had the ex call *them*? Was it productive, silly, futile, or just horrible?

(relevant background: Good god, it's been four years and I'm in a happy and stable relationship. Why can't I get that annoying guy who screwed me over for no reason out of my damn head?)

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

Answers

Question 1. How long were you with him? Question 2. In that period of time how long was it good? Question 3. What is the one good thing and the one bad thing you think of when you think of him?

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

Well, I haven't seen the movie yet, but I can sort of relate. Not that I need to know why relationships went bad - I definitely knew why at the time. Thing is, I'm not so sure the guy knew why, exactly, and I hate to think of the reasons they came up with when left to their own devices. Plus, the whole ego thing can kick in, and a perfectly civil and mature break up can end up turning into an ugly and disparaging, not to mention entirely false, explanation of circumstances if too many parting details are left unclear.

I still long to find the rebound guy I dated while passing the time before me and my ex got back together. I want to set the record straight that he did NOT dump me, because I had already planned to not go out with him anymore way before I realized he wasn't calling me either. I want to tell him that the reason the sex was so bad was because he was the most pathetic excuse for a sexual partner I had ever known, and that despite his belief that the female is supposed to do ALL the work, an actual gyration or two on his part would have helped immensely. I also want to let him know that all us girls that he thought he was duping really knew about each other, and we all laughed at him, a lot. He should also know that just because he is good looking doesn't mean that he doesn't need a good personality, and that the fact that he knew nothing about me didn't mean there was nothing to know, but simply meant that I didn't think he deserved to know much. I didn't plan on being around him long enough for him to know intimate details about me. Unfortunately, I never said any of these things to him, and I found out later that he told people he dumped me because I wouldn't have sex with him every time we went out. He left town thinking he was some big stud who left a string of broken hearted girls in his wake. Oh how I wish I had unleashed some truth on him. Or at least I wish someone had.

I would also like to tell my very first serious boyfriend that he really didn't do anything wrong, but I was just a kid, and had no idea what a great thing we'd had until I found out later that not all guys were going to do/say/buyme anything I wanted. In fact, none of them did besides him. Which is also good, because nobody wants a lapdog for a boyfriend. But I hurt his feelings when he SO didn't deserve it, I acted like a stone cold bitch to him toward the end because knew I could, which I regret, and I wish that I had been more careful and tactful when I broke things off. If I called him, it would be only to apologize for being a hag of a girlfriend.

Hindsight is 20/20, and I never have had the knack for saying the right thing at the right time, no matter if we're talking condolences, praise, breaking bad news, breaking a heart, apologies, slinging back a well-deserved insult before the perfect moment has passed, or standing up for myself when it really will make a difference.

I suppose I COULD call my ex's to find out what my flaws were so I could work at trying to correct them, but the truth is, I know each and every flaw, and I'm too insecure to be able to handle someone spelling them out to me. As long as no one confirms to my face that I'm a lunatic, then I can operate under the delusion that I'm not so much a lunatic, but just a little quirky instead. It's nice to live in a fantasy world, but romances from the past do tend to haunt me a little.

Uh, what was the question again?

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

I do something far worse -- I have "breakup regret" about six months to a year after breaking up with just about everyone.

Exes become perfect, in my eyes, after a significant period of time has passed. All the little things that I hated about them become endearing. Everything they hated about me is my own personal flaw, and I vow to correct it.

And then... I call them.

There's nothing more awful than the post-post-breakup call. When you've decided in your own head to give it another shot, and your ex has decided that you never really existed in the first place.

Or worse, you somehow manage to convince your ex to give it another go, and s/he suddenly reveals his/her deep love that never died, in which case they're no longer perfect (because perfect people wouldn't love *you* so desperately, would they?), and you try to figure out how to dump them all over again.

Yes, I know. Therapy.

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

Calling ex's? Yes, I have, and not too long ago, either.

Booze+night alone=bad bad idea

And it went about as poorly as you might expect it to...

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

ooooh Patrick. I use to do that too. Then I turned into the ice queen. Now I just leave, and I never look back. Well, I say now, actually I am married now, but that was my behavior right up until I met my husband. For a long time, I would mourn old relationships for years after they were over. I would put old boyfriends on pedastals, I would somehow only remember the best of times. Then I turned hard ass and I would stay and put up with some shit for a while, but once I left, I left. Who needs the shit?

Anyway back on track..... I have actually experienced both sides of this coin.

I had an old boyfriend call me once. He was younger than me, super sweet and wild in bed. I was known as quite the angel, the good girl, the innocent. I was all of these things, to almost everyone who knew me. However, this certain boy saw right through me. He knew I was closet nasty, and he took me up on it. I kind of ended things with him when I moved 500 miles away. He called me a few years later. We just talked about what we were both doing. It was actually very sweet and not at all silly. I still have a spot in my heart for this boy. We never really dicked each other around, we were very respectful of each other. For this reason, whenever we talk to this day, it is a little sad and bittersweet. We both know it was the age difference that kept us from having a future. It is not productive to talk to him, and it makes me sad, so I usually don't.

I once called my old boyfriend. Total cheater, complete dick, no feelings. I called him to let him know I was getting married. We talked about his life. I told him how bad he had hurt me, I asked him what it was about me that made me not worth being faithful. I told him that I was very happy now, but that I often thought about him. I told him that I was afraid that he would never live up to his potential as a MAN, and that he would be a boy for the rest of his life. I told him that he needed to get over the fact that he was never going to be the man his father was, and just accept how much of a complete pussy he was (yes, I was a total bitch, but he so fucking deserved it). He cried. He told me that I was the cruelest person he knew. I asked him if cheating on your girlfriend, who loves you and would walk through fire for you, wasn't cruel. This conversation was very productive. I left him on the ground crying like a little baby. Which was fine with me. I cried over him for like two years. I finally had a chance to tell him what i really thought. It was nice. Actually, this is the boy who turned me into the ice queen.

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

I am the woman exes call. Years later, sometimes. My mother just got a call, not more than a year ago, from this guy in Montreal I dated (long distance) when I was sixteen. (That's fifteen years ago, if you're counting. She wouldn't give him my number).

I remember this one man... we had maybe three dates together. He was a little odd, I recall. He called perhaps five years after our abortive relationship to tell me his life story. Among other things, he was now turning tricks behind the most notorious hotel in my hometown. He told me far more than I wanted to know about that.

I'm waiting for my latest ex to call me. So far, all I've had is the nutso phone call from his mother at 3 a.m. "Bitch! How could you leave my son? Give me back everything he ever gave you! Right now!"

Uh, sure. I'll just FedEx that.

Me, I would never call an ex. I suck. No way they would want to hear from me. They're dancing all the way out the door, I know it.

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

yes, i saw the movie, and adored it... more to the question, i would call my ex in a heartbeat if i thought it would help me understand why he dumped me (3 weeks now). but i'm trying really hard to break up the right way this time, because i love and respect him (sounds odd, i know) and that post break up call at 3 in the morning after a bottle of southern comfort, ostensibly just because you want to hear his voice, but really because you want to know that you're not a bad person and really, he still loves you and is too toungue tied to say so... well, let's just say the the delusion is only marginally less painful than the mess that that conversation would be destined to become.

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

Oh, man. I did it. To quote Eric/Pamie, Very Bad Idea. I guess I was lonely or some shit, I don't know. At any rate, things were good until I went away this weekend. Then he goes and gets all whiny-crybaby on my ass and wants to know where I am every second. Even when I'm sleeping - where are you sleeping? How? What are you wearing? Is anyone in the room with you? Are they watching you sleep?

He messaged all my friends on IM to figure out what I was doing. They, of course, didn't give him any answers, because really, what good would it do?

Him: Where is she?
Them: Out with Eric. (Pamie, I met this guy named Eric. How cool is that? Can I just be you, how's that?)
Him: That stupid skanky ho-bitch! What's she doing with him?
Them: They went to Denny's.
Him: Oh, he's dead. Taking my bitch to Denny's? I don't even think so.

He'd just get all riled up and they wouldn't really know how to deal with him. Not like I do. You've gotta be like, "Okay, please stop. All right. Good, honey. That's good. You're mad. You're always mad. You're a self-centered jackass. Yes, you are. You are. Don't argue with me, you are. Okay. I'm going now. I'm GOING now! Bye! Bye... okay? Bye."

Don't contact your exes. Please. For the sake of sanity.

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

I did. It was horrible and educational. I discovered how much of a drunken loser my ex was then AND now. When we broke up, he blamed me for a lot of stuff. Now thanks to my new contact with him, I realized that he was completely wasted during our ENTIRE relationship and has no idea what's going on ANYWHERE. It was horrible because it was really sweet for about 6 months and then it self-destructed in 6 hours.

The thing is that I no longer have him in my head at all.

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

No, I'm not one to call up the exes and see if things are better. But boy, do they contact me. And it's always the moment that I'm moving on. Right then they call at three in the morning, or they show up at my house or whatever it is, it's always the time that I'm just starting to really let New Boy into my life. More specifically, it's often when New Boy is in my house.

I actually had the ex call and say, "I love you. We should get married. I want to be with you forever. I'm only saying these things because I know you want to hear them. I don't mean them at all. That's how much I want you back."

"Oh, man. Can you hear me packing my bags already? Asshole."

It's different if all of that time has passed and you've moved on to other people and you can get together as friends. That has happened to a few of my old flings. We get along as good friends quite well. I think that's because these old flings and I never had sex. It's the sex part that gets things so messy.

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

See, now, Mis's answer, the last part, that's what I like. I want that.

Also, what Melissa said... "The thing is I no longer have him in my head at all." I want me some of that action, too.

But...it's been four years. Four years, people, and NO contact during that time. I mean, I'd be such a creepy stalker freak to do this. Right?

Want background? Oookay. This is the guy who I was really good friends sophomore year in college, hung out with a lot, had a serious thing for, thought maybe something was going to happen. Then we fall out a bit for like, a month, and then he comes and tells me he is *getting married* to the woman he's been dating for that *month.* And they do. And everyone is weirded the hell out, especially me.

But then we let bygones be bygones, and I end up living in the same house with him, his wife, and five other people my senior year. His wife leaves him that October for another man. I play the Extremely Good, Kind, and Helpful Platonic Counselor for months. I am so damn good to this guy. We are Sooo Close. But not in That Way.

Then that spring he informs me we "have to deal with this attraction between us." (The subject having never been brought up before, I almost pass out.)We do--by, of course, getting together and having an extremely tempestuous up and down relationship for the rest of the year. We have an extremely good time together in a lot of ways, and good nookie, but *bad* screaming fights. For some reason we still decide we are going to get jobs in the same place the next fall, (at an outdoor education center) and we do. But we're going to be apart for the summer.

He calls me two weeks after we've parted and admits he's sleeping with someone else. Won't tell me who. I suspect another female "friend" of his who he swore up and down he wasn't attracted tro, but don't say anything. Anyway, by the end of the conversation he's crying, saying he'll break it off, and that he'll call me tomorrow.

He never calls. Days pass. No answer. The machine is turned off.

Finally I get in touch with his housemates who tell me the guy has left suddenly on an unexpected cross-country trip. No forwarding address.

Weeks later he finally calls, claiming to have "lost my phone number." Won't explain or apologize for the cross-country freakout. I tell him I'm seeing someone else now. Super ice queen.

We still have to be together in the fall...in fact, he has to pick me up at the goddamn airport. He never explains what happened and won't reveal anything about what is going on in his life. I learn through other sources that the cross-country trip took place with the girl he said he wasn't attracted to, who of course was who he was sleeping with. She sends him letters all the time. They are apparently in love. He won't admit any of this to my face. Never did. None of it. All basically hearsay.

Never said he was sorry. Never explained what happened. We parted with barely a word when the internships at the outdoor ed. center ended. Haven't seen him since. Still dream about him all the @#$#%! time.

I don't, repeat do NOT, want to be with this guy. He was a jerk and a user. But he hurt me really badly after I gave a lot to him, and I guess that's where the problem is...you know, it just seems so unfair, somehow. Whine, whine. My mind still gets stuck somehwere when I think about all those hours I spent helping him and being kind to him and blah blah blah, out of the goodness of my damn heart, and then he did me like that, yo. I just want some acknowledgement from him, I guess. You know: "You were a wonderful person and you didn't deserve that and I was an asshole and am not fit to lick your boots." Ummm...or something like that.

So now what's the verdict? Call? Or go to a witch doctor?

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

I've never been plagued with the phone call, but I am the king of unfortunate coincidences. I met a girl once, asked her out, went to pick her up at her place and who opens the door but her roommate who was my first serious girlfriend (and who I hadn't seen or heard from in years). Talk about awkward silences.

About a year ago, I ran into someone I dated in a fairly serious relationship and for the life of me, I couldn't remember her name.

My most recent news from an ex came in the form of an E-mail from a friend who just happens to have moved to the place where she's living now and is one of her co-workers. It was all about how friend #1 (who didn't even know #2 when they lived here) is so excited because she fixed #2 up with some guy and how great they are together.

Great! It's almost like I've been cyber-dumped. Shit.

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

Carol, honey, you are too good for him. You need to get yourself some closure. Call him, tell him what a shit he was, tell him how happy you are now and how much you learned from the experience. I bet he is still running around in a circle of screwed up relationships. It might help, it's what I would do, but I can't help myself when it comes to confrontation.

The paragraph that Lisa E. wrote about the boy she was mean to when she was young? I could have written that. I had a boy like that. He was so sweet. I was such a bitch. His family owned a yogurt store and he use to steal his mom's car and go get me chocolate covered bananas. I tried to get in to contact with him years later, but I could never find him. I have all these letters he wrote me, he really thought I was the greatest thing on earth. I was just always attracted to the wrong guys.

I have this theory about relationships and regret. I always say that if I am in a relationship that I want to last, I am going to do everything I can to try to make it work. I will go above and beyond to compromise and make things work. Because I believe that if I do that and then the relationship ends, I won't be the one to regret it. If I take the easy way out and leave, or half ass the relationship, or be cold and unfeeling, and I have been all of these in some of my relationships, it never fails, weeks, months, years down the road I always regret them. Always. And that is the worst, when you know it was you. When you know it could have worked if you had cared to try. When you know you made your boyfriend/girlfriend/lover feel like nothing. That sucks. And the boys you were mean to? They are never the ones to call. They have moved on to better things. It's always the boys who I adored, who treated me like shit, it's always those boys that call. It's all about regret. And guilt.

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2000

I've been on both sides of this.

STORY 1: When I was a freshman at college (damn that was so long ago) I ended up sortof dating this woman in my theater department. Well, I was very specific in telling her I didn't want to date her or see her or whatever term one might use, but every time we hung out we ended up getting it on. Still, it was obvious no matter how clear I tried to be that she didn't just see this as "friends with benefits."

So over the summer she drops out of school and when I am back in the fall, some time in October I think I get the drunken 1am call from her. She's blaming everything that has gone wrong in her life on me, cursing me out, then alternately telling me she loves me. She drives over at three am to talk in person. We drive up to Maine (I was in northern Mass) and end up getting it on in her car in a church parking lot for a while, then drove home. I don't think I talked to her ever again.

STORY 2: The woman I lost my virginity to (see relevant forum post) and I had this wierd on-and-off contact for years. As I mentioned somewhere else, she lived in Indiana and I was just passing through town. She tried to have a secret long-distance relationship with me and kept talking about one of us moving to be with the other, but finally I got sick of all the cheating and secrecy so we "broke up."

Six months later I am living in Pittsburgh, I am unpacking, I am alone number. I call. She's cold at first, but by the end of the conversation I can tell she wants to get back together. She doesn't want to give up her boyfriend though. She keeps talking about wanting to visit. Everything is cool for a week or two until I mention that I had a crush on someone. Suddenly she's back to it being ok for her to have a boyfriend and wanting me as her secret lover, but it isn't ok for me to have a crush on anyone. We stop talking.

Two years later I am working at a college and come across her school's website for some reason. It makes me think of her, I decide to look her up and drop her an email. She tells me she met someone new and started dating them last month and they are getting married. I ask her if that is such a good idea since she has cheated on every boyfriend she ever had, repeatedly, since she was 14. She tells me Jesus intended it and would protect her and their marriage from me and my black magic, and that it wasn't appropriate for her to talk to me anymore since we had had premarital sex.

What a wierdo. She was a wiccan when I knew her.

STORY 3: My most recent ex and I got together in the beginning of March. I had only seen her twice since we broke up last May, but we were ostensibly trying to do the "lets be friends" thing, although we would go weeks or months without really talking, and when we did talk it was strained, usually short three sentence emails. She wanted to come visit me and it was a little wierd. I had started drinking (I only started at age 25, I didn't drink when she knew me and I get really bored with the whole college-drinking thing) which sorta freaked her out. We went to a bar to shoot some pool but I had more than a few white russians and long island iced teas. We wandered around the freezing cold city at 2am and stopped at Haven Brothers for some hot food. We went home and there was this long akward thing where we avoided the topic of where she would sleep, we both pretended to be distracted by playing with the cat. Finally I told her she could sleep in the bed if she wanted to, it was more comfortable than the floor. She made some utilitarian excuse about it being easier, and....

So things are good, we are friendly again and we hook up when we see each other. I have the feeling if she were not about to graduate and move to San Francisco we would probably start dating again.

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2000

Contact Ex's? Hell no. I run. I hide. I throw myself in front of busses to escape. I was at my sister's graduation and heard an ex's brother's name called out to pick up a diploma. I'm looking around this big arena to see her just so I don't run into her. And she is one I liked.

My ex (wife this time) works a mile from my office. She once let me into traffic on Mopac. I did the whole friendly wave thing before I realized who it was. Then I skipped over two lanes of traffic and took off.

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2000

i get calls and on really bad nights i even make them. the worst is the online bootie calls. the random... hey baby, it's me. i miss you. i'm so horny.
oh yah... hold me back... *rolls eyes* Asshole!
i also get the " i have never met anyone like you.. you were so different. i have dated others, but it was just different with you. can't we work it out? " followed by a quick.. "can i see you tonight? i am horny"
bastards all of them
not that it stops me from calling THEM in a dry spell...
damn, i am pathetic sometimes.
My Own Fierce Self
*caitlyn

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2000

doh! i am such an html moron
it should be My Own Fierce Self
*caitlyn

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2000

There's this one boy I'd love to grill like that. I never understood why we broke up, and he really did a number on me. We were together for almost a year, and in that whole damn time, we never had sex. We fooled around a lot, of course, but we never went all the way, because I wanted to make sure it was right and that he wanted me for me and not for nookie. After this whole almost-year, with no fights, no arguments, everything running wonderfully, I decided that it was right and proper and love. So we do it. The next weekend, he dumps me. No explanation, no hint of what was to come, he just up and dumped me. I mourned that boy for months, and after I was done mourning, I slept with anyone who wanted to because I thought "Hey, that's all they want anyway, right?". He threw me into such an emotional tailspin. I still get that odd little catch in my throat if I think I see him. When I go back to that town to see relatives, I constantly scan cars for his car. This all happened 5-6 years ago...and I can't get him out of my head. Argh. I'd love to ask him what the f**k his problem was and why he hurt me like he did. He KNEW that I didn't want to sleep with him because I didn't want to be used, so he used me. He told me he loved me and that he wasn't after only sex, and he dumped me. *sigh* I dunno. I'm wiser and smarter and tougher because of the experience, but still....he broke my young heart.

And I just looked up him up online. Anyone want my ex-loves current home phone number? I'm a sick sick woman.

-- Anonymous, April 25, 2000

One evil ex enlisted an unlikely accomplice...MY MOTHER

The ex once called to ask me for the $200 she said I owed her (how she ever came up with that figure, I'll never know, since I'd always had a job and she was a princess who didn't want or need one, but also never had money). I said "huh?" or something equally intelligent, which was the magic word--she suddenly started screaming and swearing at me, etc. Were she there in front of me, I'm sure her head would have spun around, but she probably would have also projectile-vomited on me.

Basically, I said something charming and got off the phone with her. A week later, my mom and I are on the phone and right out of the blue, she asks "gee, do you ever hear from so-and-so anymore?" even though she'd never thought much about her to begin with and I'd not seen this woman in ten years (my mom would not be a good poker player or horse trader).

Oooh, I just felt an instant flash of white-hot hatred for this person. My god, it's like I'm 18 all over again.

-- Anonymous, April 25, 2000

i had a friend years ago, who was going out with a wonderful girl. then, one day- nothing. she breaks up, no explaination.

almost a year and a half later, she finally tells him that she was raped while they were dating and was too messed up to do anything but retreat. my friend, needless to say, was no longer angry about being dumped.

-- Anonymous, April 25, 2000