Know any funny clean ones? They read my journal, you know. Should I discuss any of the recent events? Help!

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

Answers

Okay, so this isn't too funny to anyone else I've ever told it to. But it cracks me up the more I think about it, each time I think about it, etc.:

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Jose.
Jose who?
Jose, can you see?! (singing tune of national anthem)

Now you all know that I am a freak with a bad sense of humor. I just think that one is so funny. It depends on the delivery. A squawky warbly voice is nice, but operatic would do it too.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

My favorite clean joke:

What's the definition of a dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

Someone who tosses and turns all night wondering if there is a dog.

I know, I'm a language geek.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

How do you know if a guy has a high sperm count?

If you have to chew before you swallow.

Oh wait......you said clean? Sorry that is the only joke I know.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

my two favorite jokes border on clean...here goes:

1:

why did the monkey fall out of the tree? cuz he was dead. why didn't the monkey fall out of the tree? cuz he was stapled to it.

2: (and being blonde, i feel ok telling blonde jokes. being a woman, i feel even better telling stupid guy jokes...)

how can you tell when a blonde is having a bad day? she has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

i got a whole bunch of fun free drinks at a bar one night when the contest was "who can make the bartender actually laugh out loud..." i had him sputtering on the ground and his boss said it counted as laughing...

these i got from a joke of the day email...

Why do little boys whine? Because they are practicing to be men.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE - He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

Well, I thought that "Juan, the loneliest plumber" was pretty funny, so you can use that as a gauge...

but here's the BEST JOKE I'VE EVER RECEIVED FROM AN ACTUAL BRITISH PERSON:

A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he hears a woman screaming and detects a faint smell of burning in the air. He runs down the street and around a corner and sees a huge group of people standing watching a blazing building. On the tenth floor of the building, a woman, clutching a bundle to her chest, is leaning out of a window screaming for someone to save her baby. The man steps forward and calls up to the woman, "Throw down your baby and I'll catch it!"

"No! No!" the woman shouts back. "You might miss or drop my baby and she'll be killed!"

"No I won't!" shouts the man. "I am Alec Maguire. I'm the goalkeeper for Ireland's national soccer team. I've never missed a match in ten years and in all that time I have never let the ball into my net."

"What! Not once?" calls the woman.

"No!" shouts back the man. "Not once. Every football player in the world agrees that I am the best goalkeeper there has ever been."

And with that he adopts the classic goalkeeper's stance - legs apart and lightly bent at the knees, body slightly bent forward at the waist and with his arms stretched downwards at a slight angle away from his body, with palms facing forward.

"Okay!" screams the woman. "I'll trust you. I've no choice! Here she comes!"

So, with the flames roaring all around her, the woman throws the baby from the window.

However, the edge of the baby's shawl catches on the window sill with the result that the child goes spinning off to one side, tumbling head over heels and with her little arms and legs flailing.

The woman screams and the crowd gasps, all sure that the baby will perish because she will fall out of reach of the man.

The man remains motionless as the child descends, spinning and tumbling further and further away from him as she comes. Then when the baby is only feet from hitting the ground the man dives a full 30 feet across the pavement, catches the baby in his outstretched right hand, pulls her in towards his chest and shields her body with his left hand and arm. He hits the ground heavily on his right side and lies motionless on the pavement for a few seconds. Then, slowly, he raises himself to his feet and turns to face the crowd and everyone sees that the child is alive and unharmed.

The crowd is awestruck. Then the crowd erupts with cheers and the woman, though still in danger herself, nearly faints with relief. The man, clutching the child to his chest in his right arm, waves to the crowd of onlookers to acknowledge their appreciation.

Then, slowly and gracefully, he turns away from them, bounces the baby twice on the ground, and kicks her 60 yards down the road.

Er. Ha?

"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?"
"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."

A man dies and finds himself standing third in line at the Pearly Gates.
The Angel explains that admission requirements are now a bit more strict, as a few slum landlords and con artists have managed to slip into Heaven without being detected.
He queries the first candidate:"What was your annual salary, and what was your profession? "I made $150,000 as an Attorney" comes the reply. "You may enter" says the Angel.
Second candidate, same question. "I made $95,000, I was a realtor." He is also permitted to enter. Now it is the third man's turn.
"My annual salary was $8,000." "Cool!" replies the Angel, "and what instrument did you play?"

A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.
"All right, son," asked the father, "what does that show you?"
"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."

A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin.
"Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight."

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, "You do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "You protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "You serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a haircut.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially two shiny, silver walls in the hotel lobby that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an older lady, limping slightly with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 20-something-year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.
In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.
The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did- not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such-and- such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane ... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing so he took her with him.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.
The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

A little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.
"Jeffrey," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"
"My daddy said it," he responded.
"Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "you don't know what it means."
"I do, too," Jeffrey corrected. "It means the car won't start."

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate, who happened to be a gifted musician in his own right.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

The executive was interviewing a young man for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about his personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The appliant quickly responded, "The living one."

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The boy said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is way cool."

Here is a purported to be true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale. Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale." Soda pop and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.
Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

A duck walked into a pharmacy. He asked the pharmacist "Do you have any grapes?" "No, but the grocery store two blocks down sells grapes." he replied.
The next day, the same duck walked into the same pharmacy and asked "Do you have any grapes?" "No, two blocks down on the right." replied the pharmacist somewhat annoyed.
The third day, the same duck walked back into the same pharmacy and asked the same question. This time the pharmacist said "We don't sell grapes here. You have asked for grapes now for three days in a row. I have told you we don't sell them here, this is a pharmacy not a grocery store. If you come back in here tomorrow asking for grapes again, I am going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor, NOW GET OUT OF HERE!"
The next day the same duck walks back into the same pharmacy, this time with quite a bit of trepidation. He looked around and asked the pharmacist "Do you have any nails?" "No" replied the pharmacist. "Well then... Do you have any grapes?"

Back before he became an instantly recognized celebrity, when Albert Einstein was first making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."
Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

Two actors that haven't seen each other in several weeks run in to each other on the street.
1st Actor: Haven't seen you in a while, how's everything going?
2nd Actor: Pretty good. Two weeks ago I got a call from a lawyer in Florida. It seems I had an aunt that I never knew about that died and left me $2,000,000.
#1: That's great!
#2: Yeah. And then last week I hit the lottery and won $7,000,000.
#1: That's wonderful!
#2: Yeah, but this week, nothing!

A man is in bed asleep with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down on the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help. The right thing to do would be to help him."
So the husband, grumbling, gets out of bed again, dresses, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."

Lastly, here's one you have to act out for maximum effect:

A man has been making the rounds of his local bars and has had several too many. While stumbling up the stairwell of his apartment building, he hears a voice.
"Drunk!" says the voice.
"Why you--! I'm no drunk," says the drunk, looking around. Finally he spots an alligator, sitting placidly on the lower landing.
"Drunk!" says the alligator.
"Am not," says the drunk. "And if you insist on insulting me, I'll--why, I'll come down there and reach in your mouth and pull you INSIDE OUT!"
The alligator yawns. "Drunk!" it says.
"Okay, I warned you," says the drunk. And he marches down there and scuffles with the alligator, reaches in, grabs the end of its tail, and with a mighty snap, the alligator is turned inside out.
"Ha. That'll show ya," said the drunk, pleased with himself. He starts up the stairs, whistling a merry tune. Then he hears a little voice.
"Knurd!"

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

Long ago at a monastery, the old monk on charge of the bell tower was looking for a new bell ringer.  The only applicant was a young man with no arms. The monk said, "But my son, you have no arms, How can you preform the duties of bell ringer?"  "I will show you Father", and he climbed the many flights of stairs up into the bell tower.  He stood 10 feet back from the the huge bell, and dove headlong into its side.  A low, barely audible, tone emanated from the bell. His nose was cut, and his eyebrow was gashed, but determined to succeed, he stood even farther back this time and with a running start, flung himself headfirst at the bell.  A somewhat louder note came from the bell, and it started to rock. The man's face was bleeding profusely now as he took an even longer high-speed lunge at the bell.  This time, though, he missed the swinging bell and dove through the opening of the stairwell.  Falling to the bottom, he was killed. The local sheriff was called, and he asked the monk if he knew who the dead man was. "I don't know his name," replied the monk, "but his face rings a bell ..." ...at this point the dead man's twin brother came upon the scene.  He also had no arms, and he begged the monk: "Father, that man is my brother.  You must let me go up in the tower and ring the bell.  You must let me prove that my brother was not a fool, and that men such as us are capable of this job." The old monk tried to protest:  "But my son,  you also have no arms..." But the man was already bounding up the stairs of the tower.  Once in the tower, the man's first two attemps had the same results as his brother's.  On his third attempt, his face covered in blood, he backed up slowly for his next run at the bell, but went too far and fell backwards out of the tower window to his death. The sheriff looked at this new victim and asked the monk if he knew the man's identity. "No," replied the monk, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator? A: Why are YOU shaking? I'm the one she's going to eat!

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

dave! my dad used to tell us that one growing up. :)

here's one that will send me to hell, in honor of easter...

jesus is on the cross, fading in and out of consciousness. he opens his eyes and scans the crowd.

"john?" jesus asks meekly.

the crowd rustles a little bit.

"john?" jesus asks, a bit louder.

john hears through the crowd that jesus is asking for him. he rushes up to the cross and looks into the face of his lord.

"yes, jesus?" john asks.

jesus replies, "john, i can see your house from here."

ba-da-bum!

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

Can't think of any clean ones. Here's my favorite sorta dirty but cute one:

A penguin's car breaks down in the desert. He finally manages to hail a tow truck, who carries him to the nearest town. The local mechanic tells the penguin it will be a while before he can check out the car, and suggested the penguin do some sightseeing in town.

After walking through the scorching heat, the penguin was thrilled to spot a grocery store. He rushed inside, headed straight to the frozen foods section, and jumped into the cooler that held his favorite food in the world, vanilla ice cream. He gobbled down three cartons of the ice cream, and made a terrible mess, but he was cool and happy.

The penguin finally left the grocery store, stuffing his beak into one last carton on his way out, and headed to the garage. The mechanic saw the penguin coming, came outside to talk to him, and said, "Well, it looks like you've just blown a seal."

The penguin blushed, wiped off his beak with his flipper and said, "Oh gosh no, that's just vanilla ice cream!"

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

A duck walk into the local corner store and asks the clerk if they sell grapes. The clerk says, "No, I'm sorry, we don't have any grapes here. You might want to try the supermarket across the street." So the duck waddles away. The next day, the duck shows back up at the store and again asks the clerk if he sells any grapes. The clerk looks at the duck quizzically and says, "Weren't you in here yesterday asking the same thing?" "No", says the duck. "Hmm, I could swear there was a duck in here yesterday asking the same thing," says the clerk. "In any case, we don't sell any grapes here. You might want to go to the Safeway across the street. I'm sure they have grapes." The duck thanks the clerk for his help and waddles out of the store. The next day the duck shows up again and asks the clerk the same question. This time the clerk is angry, and replies, "Hey, listen duck, you're not fooling me. I've told you twice already that we don't sell grapes here. If you come back in tomorrow with the same stupid grape question, I'm nailing your bill to the counter. Got it? Now get out of here." The duck waddles out of the store, indignant. The following day, the duck shows back up. He waddles up to the counter and innocently asks, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk, who was getting ready to call the police, is now caught off guard. "No." he replies. So the duck says, "Got any grapes?"

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

Oh my god, I just realized someone else already put in my duck joke. Wow, what a faux pas on my part. Sorry about that, guys.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

Ok, I guess this is pretty clean.. So here goes either way..

A man goes to apply for a job as a salesman. He has a brief interview with the manager and the manager tells him that all new salesmen get one day to work and do the best they can and then at the end of the day, depending on how good they do.. they either get the job or they don't.

So, the man comes to work the next day and the time just seems to fly by. The end of the day comes and the manager comes up to the man and says "How many sales did you make?" The man replies, "One."

"Just one? Usually on your first day you're able to make at least two or three. How much was the total?"

"$100,000"

"$100,000?! What did you sell for all that money?"

"Well, a man came in and bought some fishing hooks and then he decided he should get a nicer, brand new fishing pole. Then we talked about how if he had a new pole, some new nets, boots, warm clothes and other equitment would be a good idea. Then, he got to thinking, with a little persuasion on my part, decided that maybe a brand new fishing boat wouldn't be a bad idea either. Then we were discussing how his small car wouldn't be able to pull this awfully large newly purchased boat, so he also bought a bigger vehicle-"

"Hold on a minute.. You sold all that to a man comming in to buy fishing hooks?"

"Oh, no.. He originally came in for tampons and I told him he minds well go fishing because his weekend was shot"

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

Here's a very visually-oriented language joke:

"Let them eat vowels"

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro English (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c." Sertainly sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k." Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v." During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from words kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After ze fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

---

From the demented mind of comedian Steven Wright:

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they're cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

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Once there was this nice, quiet street in a small town. All the neighbors got along well. One day, the Friar family moved in to that same quiet neighborhood. The folks thought the Friars were kind of strange. They didn't talk much, and seemed to come and go at strange times. Soon after they moved in, neighbors started noticing that dogs and cats began to turn up missing. Next, even kids started going missing. Upon investigation, the good people of the neighborhood found out that the Friar family was conducting experiments in horticulture...they had developed a man-eating plant!!! Naturally VERY alarmed at the missing people of the neighborhood, a committee was estabilished to go over and ask the Friars to cease and desist! To pack up their man-eating plant and move out of the neighborhood. The committee was promptly fed to the plant, and that was that. The neighbors tried to scare the Friar family out with threats, with harrassment, with fists, with shunning them, with arguing...none of which worked. Neighbor folks kept disappearing and winding up as plant food. After weeks of this tragic situation, a new family moved in down the street: The Hughs. Being good neighbors, the folks there all went over and warned the Hugh family about the Friar's man-eating plant and how scared they all were. The Hugh family was not one to take a lot of crap from ANYONE...let alone a bunch of mad scientists. So, Mr. Hugh and his family went over en mass and beat up the Friars, burned their plant, and chased the Friars off the street and even out of the whole town. The neighborhood was SO grateful to the Hugh family they made Mr. Hugh the town mayor! So, dear reader, you might be asking what is the moral of my story. (are you ready?)...drum rolllllllllllllll... Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist Friars!

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A businessman has an accountant who is deaf. One day, the businessman is looking through his books, when he notices that there is $50,000 missing from his bank account. Concerned, he confronts his accountant about the money, however the accountant cannot hear, cannot read lips, and the businessman can't speak sign language. So, the businessman hires an interpreter. The businessman says to the interpreter, "Ask him what happened to the $50,000," so the interpreter signs the message to the accountant, the accountant signs back, and the interpreter says to the businessman, "He doesn't know what happened to the money." "Bull," says the businessman, "Ask him again." So, once again, the interpreter signs the message to the accountant, the accountant signs back, and the interpreter says to the businessman, "He doesn't know what happened to the money." Frustrated, the businessman opens his desk drawer, and pulls out a revolver. The businessman says to the interpreter, "Tell him to tell me where the money is, or else I'm gonna blow his bloody head off!" So the interpreter signs the message to the accountant. The accountant signs to the interpreter, "Okay, Okay, I took the money! I buried it in a tin can under the cherry tree in my backyard!" The interpreter turns to the businessman and says, "He doesn't know what happened to the money."

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

"A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says 'Hey! Did you know we've got a drink named after you?'

The grasshopper says, "Really? You've got a drink named Steve?'"

That's my favorite joke of all time...

I don't get out much.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

Hey Milla,
I've just seen your 'Funniest joke ever, from a Brittish person'. You know that Irelands not part of Britian right? If an English person told you the joke it was meant to show how stupid all Irish people are.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

Back in the middle ages, a Polish gentlemen inherits some money and goes on a trip to Ireland. While walking along the banks of a stream, he hears a plaintive wail for help. Looking under a log, he sees a a leprechaun, trapped. "Help me, sir, and I'll grant ye three wishes!"

The man, being a kind soul, helps the leprechaun, who dusts himself off and asks what the wishes are to be. The man thinks for a bit, and says, "I want the Mongol horde to come riding across the plains this spring, sack Poland, and leave in the fall." The leprechaun grants his wish, and promises to return at midwinter to grant the second wish.

At midwinter, the leprechaun appears by the gentleman's fire, and asks what the second wish is to be. The man thinks for a bit, and says, "I want the Mongol horde to come riding across the plains this spring, sack Poland, and leave in the fall." What an odd fellow, thinks the leprechaun. The leprechaun grants his wish, and promises to return at midwinter to grant the third wish.

Next midwinter, the leprechaun returns again and asks what the third wish is to be. The man thinks for a bit, and says, "I want the Mongol horde to come riding across the plains this spring, sack Poland, and leave in the fall." The leprechaun says he'll grant the wish, but only if the man explains why he wants Poland to be sacked three times.

"Simple," says the man. "This means they have to cross Russia six times."

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

Okay, I read this one on the internet, so I'm probably stealing it from someone on this very forum. I like it anyway:

Dog walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "Bartender, give me a beer!"

The bartender barely glances up from the glasses he's drying. "We don't serve dogs."

The dog says, "Hey, buddy, I mean it. Give me a beer."

The bartender turns his back to the bar and says over his shoulder, "Beat it. We don't serve dogs."

By now the dog is really pissed. He puts his front legs on the bar and bares his teeth and growls, "Give me a beer or I'll tear your throat out."

The bartender finally turns around, and he's got a .9 millimeter in his hand. He raises the gun and shoots the dog in his left foot. He puts a big hole in the bar, but he still hasn't lost his cool. "I said, we don't serve dogs."

The dog yelps and limps out of the bar.

A few weeks later, the same dog limps back into the bar. He's in bad shape, but now he's packing a .9 millimeter. He saunters up to the bar, lays the gun on the bar, and growls,

"I'm lookin' for the man what shot my paw."

Okay, so I don't get out much either.

The trouble is, my parents like jokes like this one, so I can't really help you:

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods one day on her way to Grandmother's house, when she came upon a woodsman. "Why, Little Red Riding Hood," said the woodsman in surprise, "whatever are you doing out here in the woods all alone?"

"I'm on my way to Grandmother's house," replied Little Red Riding Hood. "We're going to have a picnic."

"But Little Red Riding Hood, don't you know that there is a big bad wolf in these woods? If he catches you, he's going to pull up that little red skirt of yours and fuck you blind."

Little Red Riding Hood replied, "Oh, thank you for telling me, sir. I'll be very careful." And she continued on her way.

Despite the woodsman's warning, Little Red Riding Hood made it safely to Grandmother's house, and they had a lovely picnic together. As Little Red Riding Hood was packing up to go home, her Grandmother said sternly, "Little Red Riding Hood, you be careful on your way home. There is a big bad wolf in those woods, and if he catches you, he's going to pull up that little red skirt of yours and fuck you blind."

Little Red Riding Hood replied, "Oh, yes, Grandmother, I'll be very careful." And she set out for home.

Despite her assurances to Grandmother, however, Little Red Riding Hood dawdled all the way home. She stopped to pick flowers, and she wandered away from the path.

Suddenly, she heard a laugh from the bushes, and up popped the big bad wolf. "Little Red Riding Hood," he said, "whatever are you doing out here all alone?"

"I'm on my way home from Grandmother's house," replied Little Red Riding Hood, "where we've had a lovely picnic."

"But Little Red Riding Hood," said the big bad wolf with a leer, "don't you know that I'm the big bad wolf, and as soon as I catch you, I'm going to pull up that little red skirt of yours and fuck you blind?"

"Yes, I had heard that," said Little Red Riding Hood calmly, as she pulled a .357 Magnum from her basket and held it to the big bad wolf's head:

"But first you're going to eat me, like it says in the story."

And another one:

Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toy box?

For sitting on Pinnocchio's nose and yelling, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

(Those last two are from my sister. Ba dum bum.)

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

This is my all time favorite joke, and it's clean to boot.

Knock, knock Who's there? Interrupting cow. Interrup- MOOOOO! (screaming moo at the person mid-sentence is just so much fun. Yeah, I don't get out much either.)

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

hehe I love the interrupting cow joke.

Mahatma Gandhi was educated in England but upon his return to India abandoned Western garb for more traditional Indian attire, which included bare feet. Since he walked wherever he went, the skin on the bottom of his feet became quite tough. He often went on hunger strikes, thereby making him somewhat weak and feeble. His spiritual beliefs and practices could best be described as mysticism. When he did eat, it was usually heavily spiced foods which gave him a chronic case of bad breath. So, of Gandhi, we could say that he was a Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Vexed by Halitosis.

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A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog by the name of Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside, and the grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car out in his back yard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He could not find it for the life of him so decided to just call it a day. That night Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the lawn. The next day the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened, he looked up to the heavens and proclaimed, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me!"

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A gorilla walked into a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender looked skeptical but gave the gorilla a beer, saying "That'll be $20." The gorilla paid the tab and the bartender said "You know we don't get many gorillas in here," to which the gorilla replied "I guess not for $20 a beer!"

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000