I realized that the other kid topic might be mostly discussing the joys of babyhood. I figure here we can discuss whether or not a child is something you want to bring into your life.

-- Anonymous, May 02, 2000

Answers

I don't think I have a biological clock. No. Really. I don't.

I have never had the urge to have a baby, even though many of my friends have kids. Some people just don't get this, they think that I'm in some sort of denial, but I honestly don't have any interest.

That's not to say that I wouldn't consider it, but so far the right opportunity hasn't presented itself. I definitely wouldn't want to be a single parent though. I was raised by a single parent and it was hell - for her and for me.

-- Anonymous, May 02, 2000

I used to dream about having a kid and they were the most wonderful dreams. I can't imagine raising a child with someone else though. I just don't think I could compromise if I disagreed about something we were doing for the kid. Also, I'd be so horribly depressed if my child were boring. Anything else I could handle. Boring, no.

-- Anonymous, May 02, 2000

I want one, or perhaps two (only kids are so wacky). I have considered adopting, and still consider that sometimes, but as for right now, well, I've got college to finish and a job to find before I'm even going to begin to be willing to have a child. Until then, I will endure the constant questioning that I imagine many young, married couples experience about when we will have children. Beh.

-- Anonymous, May 02, 2000

I would really like to have a child. Or two. Sometimes I think I'm going to die if I don't have a child. Sometimes I stop in the middle of doing something and think, I will never yell at my teenager, my son will never come to me to tell me he's gay, my daughter will never roll her eyes at me and storm out of the room, I will never call my grown child on the phone to see if she wants to have lunch. And I can't imagine anything worse.

But I would be a terrible mother, and so I'm not having any children. I mostly try not to think about it.

-- Anonymous, May 02, 2000

Yes, I want children. Several. And I want to adopt. My biological clock's been ticking for about a year now, but Dale and I are planning to wait a few more years. (30 seems to be a magic number to him. Along with 1. As in only 1 kid.)

I'm nervous about having kids. I'm certain I'm not ready for it, so the 3-year-plan is a good idea for now.

-- Anonymous, May 02, 2000

i've always wanted kids- several. we both want them, but not right thissecond.

we wanna name them after important people that have influenced us, but all the parents seem to hate "mingus coletrane" and "emma assada," etc.

i get mommy pangs about every two months. my body screams "IMPREGNATE ME NOW!" it's really sick.

-- Anonymous, May 02, 2000

My uterus is off-limits. This world is messed up enough without me adding to the gene pool. And while I think I'd make a good parent, we both agree that my boyfriend would make a terrible father. Kids need consistency and boundaries if you expect them to grow up into anything other than a candidate for Jerry Springer, and Marty's just a big ol' flake when it comes to consistency.

-- Anonymous, May 02, 2000

Never wanted any. Probably never will. I'm over 30, and my biological clock has never uttered a peep. I don't find babies cute.

Ironically, I'm told I'm very nurturing, a natural teacher, patient (etc.) and that this means I would be a good mother. Go figure.

I've weakened--almost imperceptibly--based on the idea of having a child to leave things to, but I don't have a burning urge to reproduce myself. I think IF I ever changed my mind, I'd be more likely to be eager to have a child in order to pass on all the good things about my future life-mate, not myself. I'm also partial to little girls because I understand them (slightly) better, having been one.

Nothing wrong with kids, truly there isn't, and I'm supportive of people who choose to have them, but I find that the courtesy of acceptance of personal choice re: childbearing/rearing is often not reciprocated. Not wanting to have children is usually equated with some moral failing or flawed character. (I personally think this is bunk, but I'm biased.) I've been met with disbelief and argumentative comments and irritating patronizing sentiments like "well, one day I'm sure you'll realize what you're missing", etc. Go figure! I knew when I was five years old I had no desire to be a mother, and I can accept that I might have deviated in my point of view between then and now, but, hey, I haven't. :)

In the meantime, I'm a kick-ass auntie. I like kids fine, but I LOVE being able to give them back after a few hours. I love not having to pay for braces or school or Girl Scouts or Barney videos or piano lessons or N*SYNC CDs. I feel I need to be responsible for just me and my own needs, personal growth and welfare, etc. right now. *shrug*

But again, I totally respect and honor those who choose to have kids. I think it's perfectly valid and appropriate if that's what you really want to do.

-- Anonymous, May 02, 2000

Um... let me think about it: ..... NO - NO - NO - NO - NO - NO - NO!!!!!!!

Uh, sorry - pretty violent reaction there. It's just that much like Sarah & Milla I have no biological urge. I don't find babies enchanting or cute, and I probably relate more to an 11yr olds desire to run amok than I do to help them develop. I know there's a part of me that thinks I should have a kid one day, but when I break that idea down it usually comes to the selfish reason of having a part of me live on or passing on learnt knowledge (or having an excuse to buy some kick-ass toys). Which, thankgod, the rational part of me knows is completely not the right reason to have a kid. It wouldn't be fair to bring a child into this world unless I was wholly committed and it would be a tragedy to feel resentment to the child because it's not what I really wanted.

-- Anonymous, May 02, 2000

Not at all.

For some crazy reason, when I was a kid I really wanted to be a father someday. Since I was about 14, however, I have not felt that desire at all. I did have one very odd twinge, however, when Diane from Nobody Knows Anything had her daughter. That was more than peculiar, but passed quickly.

There's three main reasons: 1. I'm far too selfish to have any kids. I can admit that; I have my life, and it's hard enough sharing it with someone my own age, much less someone who has no concept of space. 2. I'm pretty sure that I'm a evolutionary dead end, and that I'm not supposed to be having kids and keeping my defective genes in the world in the first place. That's a real issue I have with fertility drugs by the way...if you ever want a fight, bring up that one. :) 3. I would hate to bring a kid up in this world. Maybe in another ten years it'll be better. For now though...It doesn't look good.

-Telvin

-- Anonymous, May 02, 2000

No. I only like babies up to the point where they start to speak. After that I have no idea what to do around them. Since I'm basically too much of a selfish git and not much good at organising my life to suit others, and since I have no particular paternal instincts, I think that my adding a child to the world would be a mistake, both for me and for the child. But then again, since I only know how I react around other folks' kids, I have no real idea how I'd react around one of mine. Difficult question, to be sure

-- Anonymous, May 02, 2000

Yes, I do and my fiance does want a child. Actually we would like two boys about three years apart. I will get pregnant next summer after our wedding. How's that for planning? I'm 30 he's 36 we've been together for 11.5 years and we are truly ready. I have 11 neices and nephews, 9 of them are under 9 years old. When I'm around them all together I want to rip my uterus out after about an hour but they all say "It's different when they're your own" and I believe that. I'm older and somewhat experience in knowing what it takes to raise a good child. I believe we will be great (of course not perfect) parents.

-- Anonymous, May 02, 2000

2 years ago, my answer was a vehement No. No kids! Not I, said the duck. Today, I live with my girlfriend and we're raising her 1.5 year old nephew...and my answer is STILL no, only a million times louder and more vehement than it ever could have been before. I love my girlfriend, I truly do, but the baby is _so_ much work. It seems to me that people sometimes get this perfect picture in their head of what having a child is like...they see the rocking-in-the-chair-in- the-sunlight, baby-smiling-up-at-you, playing-in-the-park, first- steps, first-words, sweet pictures...but they rarely see the reality. Ah...come on over here sometime when the lil guy is having one of his many tantrums and noooothing will calm him down. Hoooeee, we'll clear up yer Hallmark moments for ya! :) (though what is almost more interesting is the reaction we get in public with the baby...being a same-sex couple with a child, a same-sex couple who are very obviously a "couple" - holding hands, kissing, etc - raises eyebrows and illicits so many different kinds of under-the-breath comments...it used to be disconcerting but now it's either funny or sad, depending on our mood)

-- Anonymous, May 03, 2000

Yes, I plan on having at least one, or (at the most) two. I'd like to do it before I'm 30, but I'm only 25 now so there's no desperate rush. My older sister has four daughters (2 year old twins, a 4 year old and a 7 year old - she's 27) and my younger sister (she's 22) is pregnant. Nobody ever has boys in our family, so by the time we have kids we'll have to have a son to get anybody excited about it.

I'm not particularly maternal, and I don't go all gooey over babies, but I love kids. I like the way they think about life, and I'd love constant exposure to a child and be able to see the world through their eyes.

Besides, Tristan is a baby freak. He was born to be a father. I knew that when I married him, and if I hadn't wanted to have kids at any time I wouldn't have got married to him at all, because it would have been cruel to deprive him of that.

-- Anonymous, May 03, 2000

I had 3 brothers (two younger), and a little sister. I had enough playing mommy for a lifetime, I think. I can't even keep a plant alive.

-- Anonymous, May 03, 2000

Sure I do. Lately the urge has been stronger. This could be because:

1) I'm inches from 30 and everything about 30 feels strange--like something should happen.

2) My sister-in-law just announced she's pregnant again.

3) Bill just graduated, so that part of our life is over and now it seems like something new should begin.

4) We're looking at buying a new home and homes trigger baby-feelings for me. I don't know why.

Lately I'll look over at Bill and say, "I want a baby." I don't know what this is all about. Seriously, it's like someone implanted a baby chip in my head while I was sleeping.

-- Anonymous, May 03, 2000

Nope. Never have. I've known this about myself since I was very young.

I used to be told that I'd change my mind and end up with five, but since I'm forty and single, I don't think that's going to happen. (And where do people get off making assumptions like that about other people, anyway?)

I think it's far better for people who don't want kids to not have them, instead of listening to people who say, "When you have one, you'll change your mind." Or listening to their parents who say, "You owe me grandchildren."

Being an auntie is ideal. I get some limited exposure to little people, I can enjoy them for a while, and then I can *give them back.*

-- Anonymous, May 03, 2000

Nope, don't want any kids, much to our parents' dismay. Charlie's mother lays on the guilt pretty thick about not giving her a granddaughter (his brother has two very young sons). I don't think we should have a child simply because SHE wants us to. I told her she should tell her other son to start working on that girl for her.

I have been around plenty of kids. Tons of them, in fact. Enough to know that they are not something that I would want to have to deal with 24/7. We know that we are too selfish to give up everything so we can dedicate all our time and money to a child who will later snub us, talk back to us, be ashamed of us, move away from us, and eventually only call or come by when they need something. We know ourselves too well to even entertain the thought that we might enjoy the whole experience.

And, like the others, I seem to have been born without a biological clock. As my friends have children one by one, they all wonder how it's possible that I'm not even considering it. When we go to the hospital to welcome their new people into the world, I have no desire to hold the baby. None. But the new mothers always force me to. I mean, they won't let up! "Come on, it's okay to hold him, I know you're dying to." "No, that's okay." "Oh, come ON! You hold this baby just one time, and you will want one of your own. Here..." (shoves baby at me) "Uh, no, REALLY, that's all right." I always lose the battle, because I don't want them to think I don't like their baby, but I the only feeling I get when I hold a baby is uncomfortable, and eager to pass baby back to original owner.

I like children. Other people's children, and even more specifically, GOOD children. I love my nephews to death. They are adorable, and I have no problem spending time with them. They are practically perfect, and I'm still anxious to be rid of them after a while, so I can get back to my regularly scheduled life. I can't imagine having to be all bunged up and on the ball for the first what, 12 years of a child's life, so I can be sure they aren't missing, or hurt, or sad, or getting into something they aren't supposed to, or watching something on tv that might harm their psyche. I don't want to have to worry that every word I utter to them is the right thing, I don't want to wait up for them to come home from dates just so they can breeze past me and go to bed without giving me a single detail, just like I always did.

I could go on and on, but the short of it is, I don't want any kids, nor anything that kids entail, thank you very much. To quote my husband when our neighbor with the most annoying children ever asked if we plan to have children: "No. We have a puppy, and that's almost as bad." I think that says it all.

-- Anonymous, May 03, 2000

Yes. I am practically an only child, my brother being 11 years older so, I can't imagine having more than one child but, I would like to have at least one.

I don't know if I could give a reason WHY but, I've always known I would be someone's mother. My mother has a very um...powerful presence in my life so, maybe there's a clue. And I have a feeling that I may be just about the most fertile woman there ever was so, it shouldn't be a problem...except for this whole unmarried, no potential father thing I have going on.

I'm 27 and I have told everyone I would like to start when I am around 30 or 31 - whether I am married or not. I told my mother this and zinged it with "So you ought to go ahead and prepare for that, socially." She loved that, as you can probably imagine.

Oh, and if for some reason I wasn't able to conceive - I would definitely consider adoption. I think it is just about the most noble thing someone could do.

-- Anonymous, May 03, 2000

My uterus skipps a beat everytime I see a baby. I cannot wait to have children. I would like to have at least two, but I would be happy with just one happy healthy baby. My boyfriend already has a daughter, 6 years old, so he only wants to have one more. But I feel so incomplete, like there is a huge part of me missing. I know I was born to be a mother. I am going to be 27 in September and I feel like I am running out of time. I always planned to be married by 22 and a mother by 23. Things didn't work out that way. I figure as long as I do it before I turn 30 I will be OK. It's like I am waiting for my real life to begin, because that's all I really want out of life. But if Mister Man doesn't step up with a ring and some mighty super sperm soon, I just might have to go to the bank...sperm bank that it!

-- Anonymous, May 03, 2000

For years (since 14 or so) I've been saying "NO KIDS!" I don't like'em, and don't want'em. It may have had something to do with the fact that my brother was born when I was 14, and I was literally *forced* to babysit him whenever my parents felt like it.

On the other hand, I happen to adore babies - I have since almost my own babyhood. During a hospital stay at the age of 3, I freaked out the entire oncology ward by disappearing for hours with another patient - turns out I'd heard a baby crying and wanted to go make it feel better; rode on my I.V. while the other kid pushed - to the other side of the hospital. Kooky kids. Anyway - I'll play with kids of any age in seconds and completely ignore parents and friends - which probably means that I have *quite* the mommabear instincts.

And lately I've noticed biological clock crap creeping up. That's the only way I have to describe it. I just get these weird *urges*. And I tend to picture things like Beth was saying - daughter stomping off 'cause I said she can't do something, or silly things like that. Unfortunately thanks to treatments and current health issues - pregnancy would most likely be a *huge* mistake - if I can even get pregnant. The thing that makes me so terribly sad - even if I don't really *want* kids (now) or think I can handle them - is to not have a choice. I really really wish I did have a choice. I might - although considering the stupid things I've done in the past without getting pregnant, I truely think it's not possible. And *that* is what upsets me. That my choice is gone through no fault of my own.

What also bugs me is I'm passing that age where I could be a young(er) mom - and be like 40 when the kid is 20 and out of the house. That always seemed like an ideal situation to me and I'm already too late.

Lately I find myself thinking about adoption, thinking about raising a kid, thinking about all the good stuff and the bad stuff. I'm very good with other people's kids, always have been - kids adore me - probably 'cause I'm not full size and don't talk down to them. I've been thinking about what I would need to do to be able to have/adopt/raise a kid. I know I'm in no position to do it now, but it seems like I'm thinking I want to be soon.

When I was younger and I thought about parenthood at all - I always figured single motherhood was the way to go. You didn't have to share decisions or compromise on ideas, all yours. Like Murphey Brown right? Now that I'm watching my mother go through her second divorce and seeing her try to raise my 13 year old brother and work full time and pay the bills and deal with an ex-husband and heartbreak - I see why there are *two* parents. Because it's *SO HARD* without two! Unless you're cushioned by buckets of money - it's just virtually impossible to not crack under the pressure.

And geez- the fact that I'm *considering* parenthood is *freaking me OUT*!!! I can't handle it! I'm all "Where is this coming from? I don't even have my visa bills under control! I don't even have a parking spot for my car! I barely have time for my cat! I have to TRAVEL still! What is UP with my brain!"

I'm assuming it's biology messin' with me.

-- Anonymous, May 03, 2000

I have three kids... dates of birth: 9/30/68, 5/10/82, 5/16/85. Yes, we have a couple of birthdays about to hit... and yes, they are not really children any more... my youngest is about to turn fifteen but he is bigger than me and has a full beard and looks like he is in college. [And that's not a typo on the dates, there is a big gap there... in the 86/87 academic year I was able to say I had one in college, one in nursery school and one in Pampers.]

I just turned 57 and I had a vasectomy fourteen years ago.... but yeah, sometimes I think about how wonderful it can be to have children... and believe me I know all about worry and diapers and tears and troubles... but it is still wonderful.

I'm beginning to understand why people can look forward to becoming grandparents.

-- Anonymous, May 04, 2000

Well, aside from being (largely) single and having no daddy candidates, I can't imagine when there'd be a "right time" to do it. I'm 31 now, I have six years to get tenure, I definitely don't want to be raising a baby during that time. And when I'm 37 and tenured (or unemployed) it's going to be kind of late.

But I don't really have the urge, anyway. Right now I have a sick cat who has to be fed through a gastric tube. I feed him 3 times a day and have to be awake and come home from work at the right times so that the feedings are spaced evenly. I clean up way too much cat vomit. This is overwhelming on top of work and I can't imagine how much more overwhelming a kid would be.

It's really funny, when I was a kid my parents did this whole "you can grow up to be anything you want to be, you don't have to be limited by being a woman" trip on me. My mom was big into the E.R.A. in the 70s and worked for Planned Parenthood in the 80s. Now that I'm 31, obviously not married, and not likely to have kids, they have changed their tune. But it's waaaaaaay too late for that.

-- Anonymous, May 04, 2000

I've always known I would have kids. My husband is a major dad-type too, so I lucked out in that department. We want at least 2 - I grew up with a half-brother 8 years my junior, and always wanted more siblings. My husband grew up with 2 older sisters and 1 younger one, we think 4 kids sounds about right for us. Of course, I may change my mind about that later on! I'm currently pregnant with our first, it's been quite an adventure, and it isn't even BORN yet!

Those of you without biological clocks, etc. - don't listen to people who tell you that you WILL get the urge. Some people do, some people don't. I know plenty of people who never had kids and are quite happy that way.

-- Anonymous, May 04, 2000

Yes, I do. But right now, at 24 and having barely enough money to keep me and the cat alive, I am paranoid of getting pregnant. At this stage in my life, I just don't think I can handle kids. I think I would be a really cool mom, and I really love the idea, but I also know that kids are a lot of work, and they're expensive, and I'm sure that if I had kids at this stage in my life, I wouldn't be able to provide them with all the opportunities they deserve. My parents couldn't afford music lessons or sports or Girl Guide camp, or braces or new glasses every few years, or new clothes, or road trips. We were loved, and I think they did a fantastic job raising me and my brother, but I look back and I wish that they had forced me to take swimming lessons or piano or something. I know they didn't because they couldn't afford it, and I want to be sure that I can give my kids everything. Also, right now, I don't think I'm emotionally mature enough yet. I'm still a kid myself! I look at these girls on the bus, who are in their teens or early 20s, lugging around strollers and diaper bags, girls my age or younger, and I see how old they look. Not old as in mature, but old as in burnt out. Kids who aren't emotionally equipped to be mothers. The kids suffer for that, too. Kids are too important for just anyone to have them. I'm going to wait.

-- Anonymous, May 04, 2000

Okay, I have to ask....What makes 30 such a magic number for the 'ole biological clock?

I swear my clock started ticking five years ago (I'm ONLY 23 now). It's not children I'm afraid of, its that whole marriage, relationship, commitment aspect of the deal that scares the crap outta me!

-- Anonymous, May 04, 2000

I think my biological clock started ticking when I was 16. I have always wanted to be a mom, and I think it has a lot to do with how awesome my own mom is. I want to be that awesome. Sometimes I get scared that I won't be as cool a mom as my own. Anyone else feel this way?

-- Anonymous, May 04, 2000

If I had a biological clock, the battery died a long time ago. I've nothing against kids, but the closest I want to be to a mommy is to be an aunt - and both my sisters cheerfully obliged me.

I do get a little annoyed by the number of people that assume that the mere fact that I am female means I should, by nature, want children, and that when I say I don't want them, that I can't be serious. I get the 'well, you'll change your mind when you're older'. Hello. I'm 30. I think by now if I wanted rugrats my body would have started clamoring for them!

I'll stick with cats, thank you. And being an aunt.

-- Anonymous, May 05, 2000

Nothing freaks me out more than the thought of getting pregnant/having kids... well, airplane crashes and painful death and all that, but Parenthood is right up there with Death and Natural Disasters.

But on the flip side, I don't want to NEVER have a kid/kids, either.

I've been Mulling it, though, because, now that I've finished (for the time) school and am approaching 30 as well, it seems like I'm gonna have to shit or get off the pot one of these days....

-- Anonymous, May 06, 2000

Clementine, I'm with you. I have such a great relationship with my mom that I really hope I can emulate it someday with my kids. I'll be so disappointed if it's not the same -- which it probably won't be, you know. I doubt I'd ever be as trusting and relaxed with my kids as she was with me.

-- Anonymous, May 08, 2000