This weekend has been really bad for me. I've been kind of seeing this boy for the past three months, and it's been fabulous and great until...well, let's say I'm a bit sexually frustrated and I wanted to jump off that V-train with a vengance. And I told him about it. In the most awkward phone conversation that I've ever had. And then things proceeded to get worse.

And I felt like i needed a "state of the relationship" type conversation. So we talked, I told him that I like him, and he said, "I don't want a relationship again. Ever. And I'm trying to repress all sexual desire." The fuck? Am I a teasing temptress for thie Buddhist?

What aggravates it is that school is ending soon. We don't have closure, and I'm not quite fully convinced of dickiness just yet. Also, I have my suspicions about his best girl (space) friend. Besides the fact that she makes me feel more uncomfortable than I have ever felt. he also occasionally mentions the doctor and stuff in passing, but i swear he's healthy. i dont know. He also keeps pulling this "I'm so old" crap on me. (he's 20. im 18.) god! argh! frustrated!

Id totally dump his ass but I still really like him. Im just feeling this wellspring of hurt feelings and i cant get it together enough to study for finals. Im annoyed and hurt. If anyone has any advice, it would be so helpful. I need to clear my head!

And I thought id get some with a Buddhist! Shouldve been dating a catholic! (ha ha ha.)

-- Anonymous, May 07, 2000

Answers

I probably can't offer any really useful advice, but speaking for all Catholics, lapsed or otherwise, we fully support your final summation.

-- Anonymous, May 08, 2000

silly advice: Get him drunk, I mean really really drunk, then start with the back massage, and go from there to get some.

Practical advice: Sounds like he's not the relationship type. In fact he sounds seriously messed up and in need of psychological counseling. But that's just what it sounds like here.

-- Anonymous, May 08, 2000

"I don't want a relationship again. Ever. And I'm trying to repress all sexual desire."

Bad news. Get away. This is his version of "politely" declining your advances. Sounds like he's trying to be respectful, but I'm not buying.

-- Anonymous, May 08, 2000

unfortunately, I think this guy wants to be the center of his own drama. He's going to lead you down an emotionally draining path and in the end you will have invested too much of yourself and recieve too little in return. And beware of the best girl (space) friend. she is probably in love with him but instinctivley knows that to keep close requires no demands on him. that is why she is making you feel bad. You are filling a place she desperately wants to be. I'm sure he is a nice guy, but get out now. Believe me when I say its dangerous territory. I've been there. You are at an age when your most important concern should be yourself. Focus back on your studies. It sucks, I know, but in the end it is wort

-- Anonymous, May 08, 2000

Run, do not walk, away from this guy. If he is stupid enough to reject sex from someone that he has been seeing, and then to tell you that he is trying to repress all sexual desire...freak! Believe me, don't jump off that train with someone like that. You want it to be memorable, not a regret.

-- Anonymous, May 08, 2000

are we after the same Buddhist? I've been drooling over one all semester. he flirted with me like crazy, invited me over to his house where he played the guitar for me for hours, and did many other things that caused my male friends to say "he wants you". all this only to be told "i don't allow myself to date."

but he's so damn cute! and smells good! agh.

Don't let a stupid boy get you down at finals time. The guy who was supposed to be proposing to me at Christmas decided to break the news that he was cheating on me and we were through about 2 weeks before my finals last fall. if anything, working extra hard for finals got my mind off it, and my GPA thanked me later.

-- Anonymous, May 08, 2000

Good Lord...dump his wishy washy ass. I can see having to clue a guy in, but if he isn't over 5 min. after you do jump ship and catch another going your way. There are ocean liners with 400 cabins, room service, and a hot tub out there to replace all the dingys. There is no need to ride a dingy with a surly captin.

-- Anonymous, May 08, 2000

Dump him. He'll sleep with you eventually, behave badly, and then make you feel the fool when you take offense at this. There are plenty more fish in the sea, and they're not all emotional cripples like this shady character.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

Do you really want to get off the V-train with this guy? Find someone who's worth it. Even if he does come around and decide to get more involved with you, he'll be doing it for his reasons, not because he wants to strengthen a relationship with you. Dump his ass. You can do better than a guy who would use such a lame-o excuse for not having sex. Even "I'm waiting until I'm married" is better than what he said.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

Are you sure he's straight? I seem to recall using one of those lines at some point in my life...

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

It seems to me he has already made the decision for you. If he doesn't want a relationship, then where is the question of whether or not to dump him. You obviously want something different. Get out now. Run as fast as you can.

I agree with what Chris said too. He could be gay. Trust me on that.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

Thank you so much for your answers, guys! Very helpful! I really needed to hear other people call him on his actions. BTW...he's one of those boys who claims that he is straight straight straight, but he's really pretty, so, who knows.

yeah, I think he may just not get it. I saw him the other day, gave back some cds and books, and there was a bit of closure there. A bit. It was still confusing. I know that we can't have a relationship, but I'm still stuck in the morass of really liking him, and you can't stop your love brain. you just have to let it fizzle out, i think.

Yet there was prolonged hugging. Can I say he's darn good at mixed signals? I mean, there was a lot of...tenderness, I guess, in that hug. But I told him that he was confusing and I was listening to a lot of Fiona Apple and even if he didn't get the point, I had my mental relationship closure. I think he's a little bit lost.

Urgh, though, it's hard. He's dead sexy. (very true. I am very picky about guys.) But there is too much emotional fuckwittage! Perhaps a friendship can emerge, I don't know. He's one person who I feel very confortable around, and I would like to have that back. The past weekend has been icky and awkward.

I think the summer will do what it can...but I can't wait until he gets off my brain. "Paper Bag" by Fiona Apple has been my theme song, basically. I feel like I've been dumped for the Buddha, though! First relationship type deals are really confusing...they don't need to be, I think.

Ah well. We had a good time. I took him to Beck. He introduced me to Tom Waits. Although there's a new Jeff Buckley album out today, and I really think I just can't handle it right now.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

Oh, yeah, what's Mr. Repressed Sexual Desire doing renting "gia" huh? That's it. He sucks.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

He's gay.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

Whether he's gay, trying to let you down gently, having a personal crisis and trying to be responsible about not dragging you into it, or trying to get out of a monogamous realtionship so he can play the field some more--who cares what the reason is?

Well, I know you do care. Being broken up with--or rejected in any way--and not knowing WHY sucks. But we can't tell you why because we aren't him and he probably can't tell you why either (and there's no guarrantee he'd be honest if he did attempt to tell you his reasons).

What we CAN tell you is that you're too precious to throw yourself at someone--no matter how gorgeous and loveable--if they don't recognize your wonderfulness and just want to eat you up like dessert each time they see you. If this guy doesn't cherish and adore you, and if it's important to you that your partners feel that way, then don't do the wild thing with him. There will be other guys, and no one ever died from not having sex, it just feels like it sometimes. :)

Holding out for a guy who is gorgeous in a different way, and who thinks you hung the moon and the stars in the sky--that's worth it. If the Buddhist is being celibate and you don't want to be celibate too, then call him on it and move on to someone who *isn't* 'repressing all sexual desire'.

Again, whether he's gay or not, he's telling you 'no thanks', and it's HIS LOSS. So there. Go bag another hottie who will honor your coolness and do naughty things with whipped cream. Or whatever.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

Boys never know what to say when they don't want to sleep with you and they don't want to hurt your feelings. The double standard works both ways--in double-standard-land, boys shouldn't want to say no and they feel weird about it. So, sometimes they make up weird mystical shit like "I'm trying to repress all sexual desire". I've had that exact line used on me a couple of times.

By the time I was 18, I'd told plenty of boys that "I only think of you as a friend" or even "we can go out, but I want to stay a virgin for a while longer". So he's saying that to you, only it's much weirder for him to say it than if you were the one saying it. It doesn't mean he's Buddhist, or gay, or Martian. He's just not into it.

This is one of those situations where it's best to suck it up and be really cool. Back away, keep your hands where he can see them. Don't cry on his shoulder, don't call him, don't have a sad parting scene after finals. Get in the car, drive away, don't look back. If nothing else, you'll have the very valuable feeling of having kept your dignity. You might remember that longer than you remember why you liked this guy.

-- Anonymous, May 10, 2000

Rock out, Cindy. Good advice.

-- Anonymous, May 10, 2000

Cindy, you're right on. The double-standard sucks and I know I have said some lameass things about "simply not feeling very sexual lately" when I needed to stop sleeping with a friend of mine. His line may sound dorky to you, but how different is it from the lines most guys hear... "It's not you, it's me.... something just isn't working... I need to be alone, I need some space, I don't know why... I need to find myself."

Remember, too, that guys hit their sexual peak around his age and are TOTALLY controlled by their hormones sometimes. No one likes being controlled, so perhaps this is what he needs to do to feel in control of his life. Yeah, it sounds wierd, but it's not entirely uncommon. I know several guys (myself included) who went through a period of self- induced celibacy around 19 or 20, usually after really fucking up our lives or someone else's lives because of our enslavement to the male sex drive.

-- Anonymous, May 11, 2000