You ever say something you wish you could take back? I once told someone that they looked like a Fat Einstein. This was like ten years ago, and I still feel the worst guilt about it. When I said it, I totally didn't mean it like that. He was in costume. He did look like a Fat Einstein (a cool band name, by the way) and I felt like such an ass.

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

Answers

When I started my new high school, people kept asking me if I was this guy's little sister, because we had the same last name. I was really really tired of it, and I didn't even know who the guy was. Finally one day someone pointed him out to me. He was this really skinny guy with ultra-short hair, and obviously queer. So I blurted out, "He looks like an AIDS patient." (This was about a year after my uncle died of AIDS.)

The Christian group I was with laughed, but I immediately felt horrible, and the phrase spread. Of course this came back to him, and so one day he came up to me asking me why I hated him so much. I tried to explain to him the situation, told him about my uncle, that I wasn't homophobic, etc.

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

I am the queen of foot-in-mouth. At least, I used to be. I'm trying to actually THINK before I say something, which is really hard to do.

I always seem to say the wrong thing around my boyfriend's mom. Once Jay tried to take me skiing. As I was leaving his house, his mother wished us goodbye. I said "See Ya-- unless I fall down the mountain and kill myself!" She said "Don't even joke about that." I found out later she's really sensitive to death jokes, because someone close to her committed suicide. I didn't know at the time. I felt rotten.

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

So, a couple of weeks ago after we finished running some lines I went with the crowdogg to Casino El Camino to get a drink. The Fabulous and Ridiculous folks (an Austin Theater company) were there getting shitty. We had smoked a roach on the way and had been drinking wine while running lines, so I was well on my way myself. Well, in my slightly less than fully aware state I managed to procure a long island tea and pint of newcastle from the bar and jete back to the Fabulous and Ridiculous table. As I approached the table I noticed someone that I believed to be Jeff Long, sitting with his back to me, next to AnnaCatherine. I placed my hand on his shoulder and said something familiar like, "Hey what's up?" He turned himself to face me and it became apparent that his face was not in fact the familiar face of señor Long. No problem. All you have to do is explain you were mistaken, say something like, "I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else," and the embarassing situation is resolved

...

unless you're out of your head, in which case, the first thought that occurs to you will be, "make him think it was his mistake".

Guy who looks like Jeff Long
What's up? Do I know you?

Out of his head Jesse
No, I don't think so.

Guy who looks like Jeff Long
I thought you...i mean, i'm Keith.

(or something like that, who knows, i'm dyin here)

Out of his head Jesse
I'm Jesse. Nice to meet you.

Guy who looks like Jeff Long
Have we met?

Out of his head Jesse
I don't think so.

Guy who looks like Jeff Long
Well, I thought you...it seemed like you knew who I was...

Out of his head Jesse
I can see how you might have thought that. Don't worry about it. Cheers!

ah, hubris. and the subtlty of an inebriated and debauched person in the throes of his or her vices is usually not very subtle at all to those outside it. just an observation from the barfly side of the glass.

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

Many years ago, as an ambitous student journalist, I went to a "meet the police" meeting at a local newspaper. We were all sittin' there, chatting nicely while we waited for the show to begin (although I was feeling a little feverish, and slightly sick to my stomach)and the conversation turned around to weddings.

The local crime reporter at the major daily was getting hitched in a couple of weeks, so I asked her: "Will you be keeping your name?"

An innocent enough question, and I, as a young woman trying to start a career that relies on name-recognition, and one who wore her easy-to-tease last name as a badge of honour, wanted to see what Ms. Eva Hoare would be deciding... she said no, she'd be keeping her name.

So I piped up, not at my best that day--owing to my slightly sickened state--"Yeah, I mean, when you've earned it, and everything."

I was mortified when the room fell into an awkward silence and I realised I'd just called her a "whore" in front of a roomfull of cops...

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

About three years ago, I was talking with this really cute girl and I was trying to think of some clever things to say to her. She was telling me about herself and her family. She was saying things like, "My mom was always so picky about what to serve for diner," or "my mom liked that movie." So, being a charter member of the grammar police, and thinking i could impress her with a clever observation, I asked her, "Why do you always use the past tense when you talk about your mother? Is she dead or something?" I think you can all guess the answer to that question....

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

Aich, many, many years ago when I lived in my own apartment, I ran into our neighbors, spiffy gentlemen both of them- but looking especially well-dressed in suits and ties as they were coming in, and I said jokingly, "Hey, who died?" They told me. *cringe*

And, even worse, the one for which I will never forgive myself-- my son plays with the kid who lives right behind us. One day, this kid came over and wanted to come into our house to play. I told him he'd have to ask his mommy or daddy first. He looks up at me with huge, shimmering eyes, and said, "My daddy's dead." To add horror to horror, I knew his dad had died, I just didn't think before I spoke.

I have a sick little pit in my stomach thinking about it.

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

Yeah. My best friend in Dallas and I were trying on cowboy boots once and she uttered the now infamous: "Man, Al, you've got some calves on you."

I wanted to stick my foot in HER mouth.

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

Well, one morning I woke up in a room other then my own, and while lying there observed that it was actually quite nicely decorated. There were curtains, matching furniture (nice stuff too) funky knick knacks - even little teeny ikea lanterns tied to the curtain rod thingys - very good for ambiance, let me tell you.

And turning to the boy next to me, who's room it was, I said something to the effect of "Wow, you know, your room is really nice. It looks like you put like, forthought and imagination and stuff into it. Not what I expected."

And then I realized *exactly* how that sounded. I tried to explain I was merely going on the whole 'males don't decorate' stereotype and also that he hadn't struck me as the kind of guy who would tie itty bitty supercute lanterns to hang sweetly in front of his windows.

He looked at me ever so kindly and said "Would you like a glass of water?" Puzzled, I said "Uh... umm... well I might..." and he said "You know, to wash your foot down with?"

We cracked up about it but I still felt horrible. I still do. Ouch ouch ouch.

I've done *much* worse. But that was the most recent and most readily available from memory.

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

I once (a long time ago) told my friend's little sister that I didn't think she had what it took to be a model. I still cringe nowadays when I think about that. She didn't ask for my opinion, and she was telling me her dream. And I killed it. Oh man. I hope she doesn't remember that.

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

Yes, just last night I went upstairs to ask my neighbor if he could check in on my cats on Saturday and feed them because I'll be away. I was very nervous to impose and had never asked him this before, but my pet-sitter cancelled on me. So I go up to the door, knock and when he answered the door he looked all tired and rotten and sort of beaten. I immediately blurted out "oh my God you look terrible, ARE YOU SICK?" "you really look bad". "Thanks" he said I just got out of the hospital. I'm thinking that was a really smooth opener to ask someone a favor. Bless his heart he said yes anyway.

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

Gee, let me look in the library for a good one...

Put me in an odd social situation and I'll give you something like this little nugget:

"Like Bjork, The (Japanese) singer for Cibo Matto will probably go solo and do allot better in the U.S. in a few years when her English improves."

Follow that with a chorus of condescending laughter from people who don't like me that much anyway and you have a scarring experience.

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

I was talking to a friend of Eric's mom and her son that I had just met (but we all got along really well. Very funny people.) and she mentioned that she had school the next day. She turns to me beaming and said that both her and her son were graduating college that year.

I looked at him and smiled and said, "Strangers With Candy."

"More than you know," he smiled back.

She asked what we were talking about and we were like, "Nothing."

The next day I had related the story to Eric and Eric's mom asks, "What's Strangers With Candy?" And I'm all, "Oh, it's this show about a woman who goes back to high school but she's still just awkward and geeky like she was in high school after she had been a crack whore and stuff and so she's all an outcast in her school and strange and it's funny."

"Uh-huh," Eric's mom said.

And I'm thinking, "Shit. That doesn't make the joke sound funny AT ALL. I'm not calling her friend an awkward crack whore. Well, it's too late now."

I stared at my shoe for the next fifteen minutes, hoping someone would break the silence.

No such luck. I still feel terrible. That wasn't what I meant at all. But as each second passed I thought, "Well, now if I say anything, it'll really sound like I was insulting her and not just joking around. I can't act like I realized what I said sounds bad and then she'll know that I didn't mean anything bad about it. But she might just think I'm an asshole now, so I should say something, but I think it's just been too long now. Now it's really been too long to say anything. Dammit. I can't even think of a new subject. I'm an asshole."

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

One night, a couple of guys took me to a strip joint. We were all sitting down at a table, having a few drinks. After a while, one of my friends starts to get rather lippy.

One of the strippers was doing a lap dance about, oh, 10 feet away. She wasn't bad looking. We were conversing with another girl and my friend turns to me and says, "look at her stomach."

"What's wrong with her?" I say.

"Look at it. She's fat."

"Shut the fuck up, man" I whisper to him. "Keep it down."

Too late. The girl sitting across from us laid into him about how hard it is to go on the stage and take off clothes for strangers. (I agreed with her.) My friend looks to me for help, and I gave him a look that he was on his own.

To top it off, the dancing girl heard him too, but said nothing to him about it.

I gave my friend a sermon about it afterwards.

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

The summer before my senior year in high school, I worked at a grocery store and got to know some of the regular customers pretty well. This one couple used to come through my checkout quite a bit and the husband used to harass the shit outta me just because he could. Well, one day she came in by herself and came through my line, so I said "hey! where have you guys been? and where's that old mean hubby of yours?".....and she said, "he died 3 weeks ago."

O M G! I felt like such an ass. I must have said I'm sorry about 50 times. I cried, too.

I still feel bad about that.

-- Anonymous, June 09, 2000

I often wonder if I was born with my foot in my mouth. I have said some pretty harsh things in my day. The worst, and the one that hurt like nothing before, was recent.

I meet a lot of people on the net and keep up friendships through email and such. A very select few I have known for three years now and consider them family. I did not hear from Dave lately so I thought I would be my usual smart ass self and write something clever in his little guestbook for everyone to see. Instead of just sending him an email I thought I'd be witty, and in his guestbook I entered this: Is it nice to be dead? Do you like it in the ground where the worms are eating your flesh?

Morbid, yes... but somebody has to do it. I thought he would get the hint right away. Well, time passes and I get an email telling me he died. I thought it was a joke. His way of showing me up one for my comments in his guestbook. A few days later I found it was a reality. Since that day I have been biting my tongue about every thing my mind conjures up. Not to mention I keep closer tabs on all my net friends. I think that experience has surgically removed my foot from my mouth.

http://www.angelfire.com/pa/deadgirl

-- Anonymous, June 10, 2000

Also been on the receiving end:

One weekend when I was in high school, two friends and I discovered a man who had commited suicide by dousing himself with gasoline and setting himself on fire. We came upon him only moments later. Very traumatic.

Back to school on Monday, everybody has heard what happened (small town). Some smartass comes up to me and says, "Hey, find any dead bodies lately?"

-- Anonymous, June 11, 2000

Okay, a couple of other-people anecdotes, since I'm still so ashamed of the times when I've done the same:

My creepy ex (then my boyfriend...shudder) and I were browsing in a little gift shop once. For sale, looking a bit out of place among the hand-crafted decorating items, was a beautiful children's book. The woman who owned the store commented that it was written and illustrated by her husband's first wife. My ex retorted, "What, and you don't want to kill her?" The woman replied, "She died of cancer last month. We were good friends."

A former coworker told me this one: She had been a waitress at a fancy upscale restaurant (the kind with tablecloths). A fellow waitress approached a table and, seeing crutches next to the man sitting there, joked, "Have a little skiing accident, did we?" "No," the man said, "I just had my leg amputated a few days ago."

The waitress was so mortified that she burst into tears—the man assured her it was okay, that he had to get used to it anyway. She had another waitress cover that table and gave the people their meal for free.

And I hate to break it to you about the "fat Einstein" comment, but I'm sure the guy does remember. In ninth grade science class, Brian Johnson laughingly called me "Humpty Dumpty" and then explained it was 'cause, see, I had this flat-chested, big-bellied, egg-shaped body on top of long spindly chicken legs. Ha ha ha ha. He probably doesn't remember it at all, but 20 years later I still can't help seeing myself that way. I have never forgiven him.

-- Anonymous, June 12, 2000

When I lived in San Diego and was working at a pizza delivery chain, there was a local murder that scandalized our county. A teenage young woman, "Sandy Keats", was pulled over by a cop on a dark, deserted road, and brutally murdered by him. It was in the news for months. He went to trial, and the first trial ended in a hung jury. The community was outraged.

After listening to all this on the news, I went to work. I took a phone call from a man who wanted 5 pizzas. "Having a party?" I chirped. The man hesitated. "Um. No. This is Sam Keats. All of our family came over after the trial today."

Care for some pepperoni on that humble pie I'm dishing up...?

-- Anonymous, June 12, 2000

I think I'm so self-censoring and reserved (verbally) that there are few foot-in-mouth comments that I manage to actually blurt out before thinking better of it. I know I've had moments of acute embarrassment, but I can't reall any recent examples.

Then again, I don't remember many foot-in-mouth comments directed at me, either. The one exception:

I went to school with the saem people from kindergarten through 7th grade. In 8th grade, I went to another school because my father got a promotion, and we moved to another town. He died eight months later and so we moved back to my hometown, as all our family and friends were there. I visited my old school during the last week of classes since, naturally, I was not in school at the moment. We'd been excused to go home and deal with funeral arrangements, etc. A tactless classmate (think "class clown") bounced up to me and let me know that a rumor had gone around that I had actually been pregnant (the idiocy of the remark and improbability of the gossip being true was beyond laughable, but I digress). Surprised, I blurted out "No, actually my father committed suicide, so we're moving back home".

Equally stunned, he couldn't believe I'd be so matter-of-fact and direct about it, especially as I usually dealt with any unwelcome teasing by being silent and ignoring it. He had to be convinced that it was the truth, which required my best friend to vouch for me and to beg him to back off. Then, outgoing and nosy to the last, he wanted to know why (and frankly we STILL don't know). By the time it sunk in that we weren't kidding and he should show some empathy, he was beyond being able to pull his ass out of the fire by being embarassed and so he instead spent time trying to save face by brazening it out some more, claiming that he was only trying to jolly me out of my bad mood. Bleah. I never thought the same of him after that, but it has to be said that he was a very stupid boy by nature.

Anyway, a most unpleasant conversation all around.

My mother is also the Queen of Tactlessness and has been known to cheer me up (not) by pointing out previously un-obsessed-over flaws: I.e., 'you don't look so thick-thighed in those pants, they are very flattering and you should wear them more often' or 'you'd be a lot prettier if you cut your hair shorter; and since you obsess over your ears sticking out, you should know that growing your hair long doesn't really hide them, so short hair wouldn't be so bad'.

Argh. She also discusses her research papers on gifted child education with me, as I was a Gifted Child[tm]...and she does it in front of my brother, who, well, wasn't. I'm sure he feels great about that.

-- Anonymous, June 12, 2000

Like everybody else, my list of foot-in-mouthedness is endless, but of the more recent and applicable would be a really bad joke.

I had not been a Squishy reader for long at all, and I was exchanging several e-mails back and forth with Pamie about a lamp purchase. I signed off one of the e-mails with:

"What has 2 legs and bleeds profusely? - - - Half a Cat!!"

It wasn't 2 days later, while reading through the archives, that I discovered she was a cat owner a lover. Bad joke. Bad timing. No guys.. for real... it is JUST a joke. I don't find dead cats cut in half funny. I find the JOKE funny. The punchline comes out of nowhere! Haha? Anyone? Is this microphone turned on?

-- Anonymous, June 12, 2000

In a past relationship my boyfriend and I were in my bed following the our first intimate evening together. I happen to have several shelves of books in my room and he was casually flipping through the titles. When he happened on the "self-help" section, he inquired why I had a book on leaving a negative relationship. Feeling a little vulnerable, I made some comment that I had several "relationship" books. I randomly handed him one and suggested he might benefit from reading it. Seconds later I realized the title I handed him was "Mars and Venus in the Bedroom".

-- Anonymous, June 12, 2000

Amy:

Ouch! That had to hurt. I noticed you said "past relationship"? Wonder why? Hahahhha

-- Anonymous, June 12, 2000

In high school I had this punk-rock friend who was known for his homophobic comments. (He once called up the Gay Lesbian Task Force and said, "There's a gay couple in my neighborhood. Could I please have them removed?")

So when this boy told me that he'd gotten a summer job in a hair salon, I couldn't help but exclaim, "Greg! Aren't you afraid people will think you're gay?!" His response: "Actually, I have something else to tell you..." Whoops.

-- Anonymous, June 12, 2000

I think my favorite worst one (which fortunately was not out of MY mouth) was a friend of mine had just met this guy through someone else, and she was trying to get him to go sky diving with her. He's afraid of heights, and didn't really want to go, and she was just generally badgering him, and finally says, "come on, have some balls for pete's sake!" turns out he'd had testicular cancer, and, well... he didn't exactly have the balls.... : P

-- Anonymous, June 13, 2000

If I could turn back time or cut out my tongue....I was told that a close friend lost her baby last week. She was 8 months pregnant and the cord wrapped around the baby's neck. I was still in shock when G called. I just blurted out the terrible news to her. The news was met with silence and the conversation was cut short. I forgot that G is 6 months pregnant. Ugh...

-- Anonymous, June 18, 2000