Ok, so I'm moving to New York next month. My parents have been kind enough to help me with the move(i.e. paying to move my excess stuff to their home, paying for my plane ticket). However, my mom tells me that she made the plane reservation round-trip. "You have a month to use it. If you decide you'd rather come home." Now, whatever, it's nice that they're helping me. I appreciate it. But what a big fat vote of no confidence from the 'rents. She HAS to know how that sounds. Do they do it on purpose? Do we say things to our loved ones that we KNOW will hurt them? Or, are we just not thinking?

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

Answers

I think they do it on purpose, yeah. My mother is the world's worst about that. She doesn't even try to hide the fact that she's doing it.

She calls me EVERY DAY to tell me about houses she has seen for sale in my hometown that she wants me to buy. I have no intention of moving there and when I say this for the millionth time she says "I know...but it has a pool and [blah blah blah blah]," which translates into "I don't really care what you think your little plans are so, here's the next step of MY plan."

But, they love us. Your mom loves you. She just wants you to feel like you have a safety net. (And she probably wants you to use that safety net, but that's up to you.)

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

See if you can extend the other flight home thing. Then use it for the holidays and buy a one-way back to NYC. :)

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2000

They may do it on purpose but it's not to hurt you, it's to make them feel better. It hurts so so much when someone you love leaves that you'll do anything to try to convince them to come back.

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

oh they so do it on purpose...when i told my parents i had found an apartment and would be moving postehaste, my mother's very first response was "well don't leave anything here, or i'll throw it out"

gee, thanks...at least my dad offered a congratulations, before he kicked in with the "and don't expect me to come running over there anytime something breaks!"

sheesh, can you just feel the love...

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

My dumb dad does it on purpose. He thinks he knows everything, and really craves hearing "Gee, Dad, you're right! I couldn't've made that decision without you." Of course, he's a total dweeb, because his Polonious-like helpful hints consist of "Why do you want to go to college and major in English? What is that degree going to buy you when you get out? You should come work in the family business instead." The family business was a video rental store almost an hour's drive away, where he'd've paid me minimum wage. Lucky me. He went bankrupt and had to sell the video store a year later, and I am making more money than he is with my English degree.

And he does this every time me or my brother have moved. "Oh, you'll hate Seattle, it rains there all the time, you'll be miserable." "Dad, have you ever been to Seattle?" "No, but I heard...."

My mom, however, does just the opposite... because she has "so much confidence" in us. "Mom, I'm moving across the country to go into an accelerated Master's program at a top-ten Ivy League college and I'm scared." "Oh, honey, you'll do fine. Don't worry." "Um, Mom? It's not that easy!"

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

Well, I know that my parents mean well, but some of the things that they say...ugh. For example:

I left college after my sophomore year, because I was miserable. My father told me that I should just "move into a trailer and wait for some man to marry you and take care of you for the rest of your life." Ha! But that one comment did do some good; it made me prove him wrong. I know that my father loves me and that he was just trying to keep me in school. I think they say things some times so that you will do what they deem is right.

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

Jeff-

For a lot of parents, I think, telling them you're moving to New York = "I'm running away to join the circus of absolute debauchery and poverty." They're terrified, but it comes across really badly.

When I told my parents I wanted to go into theater, my father said, "You're not going to be an actress! You're going to use your brain!"

Jeff, congratulations on the move. You're going to love it. It is the greatest place in the world.

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

Jeff, give them the benefit of the doubt... they're just trying to help and to let you know that you can come back... it's not a vote of no confidence in you.

I read about parent problems in journals and in forums like this (and I see problems that some of my kids' friends have with their parents) and I just don't understand. My parents were totally cool and very supportive of anything I did. I know that they were not thrilled when I went from living a half an hour drive away to a town that was an hour and a half away... and even less happy when I moved to a place that was a three hour drive away... but they never complained or criticized. (Yes, they did constantly suggest frequent visits, especially when they became grandparents.) Mom died in 1989, Dad in 1992... and I still miss them intensely and wish that they were still alive and we could visit and they could see how their grandchildren are doing.

So I'm a parent -- with kids ages 15, 18, 31 -- and I suppose I do or say dumb things... but, as I have always told my kids, the reason teenagers have parents is so they can be embarassed by them... My daughter is graduating from high school tomorrow. We've tried to help in the college selection process (and yes, sometimes a bit of gentle reminding about completing and mailing various pieces of paperwork... also known as nagging) but we've never dictated choice of schools (uh, other than in terms of affordability issues and considering that we still have one in high school)...

Anyway, Jeff, especially now that I've been on both sides of the parent-child relationship, I really do suggest giving your folks a break and assume that they mean well and have just phrased things poorly. Given the help that they are providing you for your move, they don't sound like hurtful people, your mother's comment just came out wrong. To her, she wasn't saying you wouldn't make it, she was just trying to tell you that you are always welcome back in the nest and she was trying to set things up so that if you did need to come back you could just hop on a plane, you wouldn't have to worry about having to phone and ask for help and they needn't worry that false pride or a reluctance to ask for help would keep you trapped in some horrible situation off in that big bad evil rotten apple.

Jim

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2000

When I was 17 I decided to take a 3 month camping vacation with my boyfriend to British Columbia. I told my parents the previous September that I was going the next June, and they pulled that "We'll believe it when we see it" attitude. But I went and as my Dad drove me to the train station, he said that he was proud that I got my shit together but I could come back to Toronto any time and "He wouldn't think any less of me." At the time, I was pissed, but when I thought about later (much, much later) it I realized that he was worried about me, thought maybe I would be in over my head, and wanted me to know that weven if I bailed they would still love and respect me.

Jeff, I think you've got great parents. They obviously love you, and care about your health and safety, and are going to miss you.

Mom stuck her foot in it - but it's sure better than "Fuck off and don't ever come back."

-- Anonymous, June 16, 2000