I was once again wandering the aisles of our local Wal-Mart, clutching crushed Kleenex to my heaving bosom-hoping frantically my dearly loved OAO wouldn't show up to ask me tenderly, "Something wrong, honey?"....and asking myself once again...Why does looking at Father's Days cards fill me with such sadness and a strong sense of loss and I-never-had-a-Father-remotely-like-this angst??

(No, my own father did not walk out on his marriage, have affairs or even drink, but boy, did he make life pretty darn miserable as I entered puberty and has been very constant in his controlling behaviours, maniupulations, emotional abuse and downright unpleasantness and very, very tight w/money,time/attention!) I know I married the man I married against his orders, but hey, that was years and years ago! But, anyway, on the outside he looks like a father, sometimes has been known to act like a father (according to some friends/co-workers of his) but not in my presence for ages.

He works obsessively, his pride/passions are his Lexus', his house and yard. He fights with my mother all the time, but insists he "adores and worships" her-buys her stuff enough to prove it, too.

Is is just because he is of the old school that only the sons matter (he is 60 years old), so his two daughters just don't count? Nevermind, his one and only (and desperately concieved, I understand) son, is rather, how shall we put it...aimless and way too quick to run to Dad/mom for money, support and guidance. (My sister and I joke our brother could run off w/an under age goat, sell drugs for a living and bounce checks all over, and it would be okay-we have to tow the line, bigtime)!

Oh, well, I did not mean for this to turn into a thesis-just the day after Father Day's reaction, I suppose!

-- Anonymous, June 19, 2000

Answers

Hey, J.J..... I stopped crying years ago, but yes, I get very bemused everytime I read Father's Day cards and try to picture honestly saying those things to me dad. (I gave up sending cards years ago too... felt too much like sucking up to a nonresponsive boss) I mean, they all seem to be "Thanks so much for being there"... um...okay...

I need them to make a card that says "Thanks for letting me admire you and learn from you from a distance. I learned a lot.. you'd be surprised at all the things you didn't know you were teaching me. Hope you notice someday that I didn't become a pariah the moment you realized I was a turning into a girl."

Heh.

-- Anonymous, June 19, 2000

My father was there for me. We weren't simpatico, but we did love each other. I miss him, but he went out in a marvellous way, dying peacefully in his sleep, and there is only a sense of completion that he's not here, not sadness.

It's harder being a father on Father's Day---and knowing one child will no longer be seen on Father's Day. I'm still---grappling--with that fact. --Al of NOVA NOTES.

-- Anonymous, June 19, 2000

You probably will forever Al. Some stuff isn't solveable with time. Just, if I can offer one thing to you - fully BE with the ones that are still here, because that is where it can do some good.

Jackie's birthday was a month ago, and it is tightly bound to the date of my father in law's death... it's difficult not to add some melancholy to the day (much more difficult for my mother in law)... but its an affirmation of joy that she was born then.

Don't ever let your kids feel like they arent' enough to make up for what's gone... not that I am thinking you would, but its a worthy reminder for all of us parents anyway.

-- Anonymous, June 19, 2000

I was apparently the apple of my dad's eye -- until they divorced. I can count the number of times I've seen my dad on one hand. I "met" him again (read that as looked in his eyes and had a conversation with him) when I was 24 or 25. He couldn't look me in the eye, but said that he was always there for my sister and I. I told him he had a funny way of showing it.
Father's day has been forgotten or see as an "oh yeah, it's a holiday" day.
It's a shame that some fathers (and yes, sometimes mothers, too) don't realize or aren't able to see what they're missing and/or how they've hurt their children.

-- Anonymous, June 20, 2000