If someone were put in your body for a day, what kind of note would you have to leave them so they could adjust easier? Any tips and pointers for being you?

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

Answers

Notes: 1. Whether you comb that hair or not, it'll always look the same, anyway. 2. Remember to put antibiotic stuff on the cat scratches. 3. Seeing well in one eye doesn't mean that you can forget the contact lens in the other--even if it hurts like shit. 4. Yeah, they're boobs. Real ones. Weighlifting is a virtue.

The Semicolon; Confessions of a Grammarqueen

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

Don't skip the conditioner unless you want hair that feels like straw.

Remember to put on both concealers under the eyes plus the foundation- -unless you want to look like a raccoon.

A little baby powder in the bra on a hot and humid Chicago day doesn't hurt anyone.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

I would tell them, don't use Neutrogena facial wash on our face or I'll get dry skin like a mofo. Ignore it when our hip pops. Be as surprised as I am when my period comes a week early. Watch out for the shower door--it jumps out and whacks us in the elbow. Get used to being so thoughtless that we walk into the side of doorways on a regular basis. We also bite the skin of our fingers when we get nervous or preoccupied. We make it hurt and have to ask our friends for a Band-Aid. Be careful; we drive fast. We also pee a lot, from all the Pepsi One and iced coffees.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

Be wary of new shoes. Cover your feet in blister block bandages and pay attention. Otherwise, crippling, bleeding blisters will appear on our heels, toes, tops of feet. We have very sensistive feet.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

Don't even try to wear shoes that aren't EEE wide because of the bunions. They might look nice, but you'll be crying later. If you even look at the conditioner after the shampoo you will end up with a big fat greasy mess, just leave it alone on the shelf. No matter what you do with the hair it will look bad. You have frog hair, bad hair, no good hair on your hands. Just accept the bad hair for the day and move on with your life already. Don't drink too much coffee you will puke- that's it. and good luck.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

Lather, rinse AND REPEAT. Don't bother with conditioner.

Use gel-based moisturizer unless you want to let other people use your face as a mirror.

You're going to forget your glasses. And your contacts make your eyes itchy. Accept your nearsightedness with a glass-is-half-full attitude. (i.e. "It lets me really enjoy the things that are nearby without being distracted by all that faraway junk.")

Make sure people talk toward your right ear, which isn't that great, but it's a whole hell of a lot better than your left.

Stop biting your damn nails! Sit up straight! Just because you CAN contort yourself into bizarre potisions and sustain them for hours while you read or work at your computer, doesn't mean you SHOULD.

Your senses suck, but your skeletal-muscular set-up is great. Enjoy! Take this baby out for a run. Go for a bike ride. Do some yoga. Go dancing. Just don't expect to see or hear all that much while you do it.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

Please don't embarrass me. If you're going to be in my bod for a full day, remember that you're not the one in danger of being embarrassed, I am. /smile/

If you're going to go out in public, make sure you're as clothed as you can be without burning up. Not that you'll find anything revealing in my closet, but still. Be a prep and try to look your best, that's all you can do. Don't hit on any chicks, don't start any fights, and don't touch that Mastercard, beeotch.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

Wear shirts that completely cover your stomach. Nobody wants to look at a big fat stomach.
Wear lipgloss...our man likes it and won't kiss you if they are chapped and flaky.
Don't forget your palm....everything that you ever need to know about me is in there....
Sunglasses are always a must....your eyes will hurt if you don't remember to wear them.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

Tie the hair back, especially in the summertime, or it may try to kill you/us. Don't goop up the face with makeup. It doesn't need it, and it doesn't like it. You're fat. Deal with it. I do. No crop tops. Shorts are also a bad idea. When you/we wake up first thing in the morning, our bones crack so much we sound like an exotic dancer for the blind. If you're going out somewhere to drink, especially with someone improtant, wear a turtleneck or other high collar. You have a tendancy to develop a rather unattractive blush across your upper chest after a couple of drinks. They say it's an Irish thing, but I haven't really looked into it. Don't fuck in my body. That's my domain, and just cause you borrow it, that doesn't mean you get to use all the optional features!

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

Will someone please be me TODAY???? I need a day off!

Here's all you need to know: #1--Yesterday was the 4th July, you were out late and got up early because your lazy ass didn't drive home last night and you had to get up at 6:00 to fight the traffic for 60 miles. You are tired, you are cranky...you were a dumbass and put your contacts in this morning, so now your eyes burn and itch like a montherfucker. You are stuck staring at a computer screen all day, thus perpetuating the situation.

#2 Avoid annoying co-workers at all cost today, bite your tongue hard to avoid rude/smartass remarks, smile and nod a lot (it makes you appear friendly when really you are thinking evil thoughts). You like your co-workers, really you do....Tell yourself that many, many times today.

#3 Your face will be greasy an hour after you wash it...no matter what, but your tits are always dry (go figure!)...Must use Eucerin lotion on breasts/sides to give them moisture, but do not touch face...frequently use pressed powder to eliminate shine on the face...Don't worry about fancy expensive face soap, it will make you break out (too bad you didn't know this trick in Junior High/High School)....Use a bar of Dial or what ever is laying around....Body soap does well because it soaks up the oil and dries you out.

#4 Must wash hair daily....Please refer to the face/grease problem...Your noggin won't be greasy until 9 or 10 tonight, but you definitely cannot skip a shower. Ever! If you want to go out tonight, but don't have time to take a 2nd shower, use baby powder in your hair...sprinkle a little on top and comb through...It works, I swear...

#5 If you go to get a hair cut, don't bother telling the stylist how you want it done. Your hair is baby fine and will look the same no matter what....besides every stylist will cut it exactly the same.

#6 Try not to bite your nails/skin around your nails. They look gross. You are a girl damn it!

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

When you wake up, blind as a bat, don't panic. Your oh-so-thick glasses are most likely on the floor, as one of the iguanas has knocked them off the shelf. Oh, and that funky huge lump in your mouth? No problem. It's just a blocked saliva duct. Sexy, no? You will require at least 2 litres of diet pepsi, in order to avoid hypoaspartamia. Yes, cute little zits will appear on your chin a week before The Period begins. If it's hot, you will end up with an itchy heat rash. Dont' wear the blue sandals, no matter how cute they are. You will end up with mutant blisters on your left foot, that will take the rest of the summer to heal. Oh, and that wobbly stuff all over your body? That's fat. Yes, I know. Just do your best to make it look nice, ok? Ok.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

Operating instructions on my bod:

When you wake up, don't bolt out of bed. You have NO BALANCE, and will trip on SOMETHING, even if there is nothing there. Besides, you will be too sore to attempt it anyway.

In the shower, don't get the towel NEAR the breasts. The nipples (you can't miss 'em - they're huge and dark now) are so tender, you will scream in pain.

Most of the bras in the drawer don't fit. You have two choices - there's one sports type bra in a 40D, and one nursing bra in a 40C - they fit. Take your pick. Do not even TRY to put on the ones that say 36C. Maybe someday those'll fit again.

Even though size-wise, it may SEEM the breasts are huge, but seriously, compared to the belly, you can't even see 'em. The husband guy will comment on the nice cleavage SEVERAL times a day, though. Oh, and husband guy no longer looks into your eyes & immediately kisses & hugs you in the morning.. he sticks his hands out and touches the belly first, talking in a funny voice. Get used to it.

Don't wear the white lacy nightgown in the closet - it irritates Thelma, and you will wind up with yellowish crusty spots on the front of the gown in the morning. Also, do not drive the car without holding the seatbelt away from the body - that seatbelt irritates Louise, and there will be a wet spot on the front of the shirt in a VERY obvious place.

Speaking of clothes - I know it looks like there aren't any in the closet. There are 4 pants, 5 short-sleeve shirts, one skirt, two jumpers that still fit, and three dresses. You'll have to mix and match as you see fit. There is a half-shirt that looks like it belongs on Britney - this is for under the jumpers. The shirts, jumpers & dresses are all longer in front than in back, and the pants & skirt can pull all the way up to the chest, if you're so inclined. Oh, and there are 4 pairs of shorts in the drawer.

Do NOT FORGET to put shea butter on that lovely area beneath the navel (which is a mere cm away from popping out). You see it, it's the area with all the pink streaks. Those are stretch marks, and they itch like a bitch. Oh - and don't scratch them - it only makes them hurt.

Yeah, I know the wedding ring is beautiful, but PLEASE don't even ATTEMPT to put it on, you will NEVER get it off.

Realize that the hair won't do anything. It's not worth fighting. Just wash it, blow dry it, and let it be its straight, flat self.

All of the shoes on the shoe rack fit in the morning, but only the Birkenstocks fit at the end of the day. You will notice the feet and ankles becoming fat and sausage-like around 3:00 pm.

Feed lots of water during the day - you will have to pee every 20 minutes or so, but the people around you see your condition, and understand. Also do not, I repeat, DO NOT forget the mid-morning snack, or you will have the shakes by 10:30 am.

Bring Tums to work. Keep them by the bed, in the kitchen, in the bathroom, in your bag.

You can TRY not to waddle, but it's inevitable. Just walk however it feels comfortable.

There is only ONE sleeping position - your left side. The front, for obvious reasons, is a no-no. The back is bad 'cause the 5-pounder in there rests on your spine - way uncomfortable. The right side is bad because there's a major artery, and if the 5-pounder rests on it, it could cut off his AND your own blood supply - not cool. Yes, your hips will hurt like hell when you wake up (and you WILL wake up, a half-dozen times each night), and pillows are your friend. Especially between the knees.

Playing circus music during sex is appropriate. You will also start to feel like a porn star with all the crazy positions you will try, just to 'get some'. Oh, and you probably won't "O", but if you DO, it's amazing. Don't be concerned when the tummy is hard as a rock afterwards - it goes away.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

Be aware of this: You are and will always be clumsy, and your boobs like to play cruel tricks on you.

Case in point: When at a baseball game, do not opt for chili cheese tater tots. If you do, make sure someone else carries them from the vendor to your seat. Why? Because on your way down the steps, you will dip your chest in the chili/cheese concoction, and the group of people you came to the game with will call them 'titter tots' for the rest of the night.

Also, if you are forced to wear a tight shirt (or in my case, body suit) for a musical where lots of people will see you, understand that there is no way to hide the nippage. Grin and bear it. Duct tape will not work. However, people will find out about the attempted duct tape and laugh heartily at your expense. Laugh along and pretend that ripping the duct tape off later will not hurt like a bitch.

And get used to ugly, orthopedic bras - you'll own the pretty ones, sure, but you'll never wear them unless you know someone other than yourself is going to see them.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

LOL Jen - Thelma and Louise? GAWD.

You make being pregnant look incredibly sexy :) hee.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

These are great! More, more!

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

(1) Be on hair alert. Be aware that you have curly, kinky hair and you live in humid, muggy Louisiana. If you don't keep an eye on it, you will soon possess an afro to rival that of only Michael Jackson's early years. I warn you.

(2) Watch your head. You have an amazing ability to hit things with it. Repeatedly. Watch out when you answer the phone. You have the tendency to yank it to said head too quickly and smack yourself silly with it. Carry Tylenol for such occasions. Wear a football helmet, if need be.

(3) Don't wear that bathing suit!! You're a redhead with no possible hope of skin any other color than Glaring White. You will blind people on the beach when the sun reflects off of your skin. You will blind them on sidewalks. Hell, you will blind them anywhere. And you'll get a sunburn. Just don't do it.

(4) Get used to male friends hugging you tightly then saying, "Ahh, just like huggin' a boy". So you're a flattie. Deal with it. At least you can sleep on your stomach, right?

(5) Get used to people coming up to you, wanting to tell you about their mother, sister, second cousin, person they saw once on a street,etc. having red hair JUST YOUR COLOR. Think about how to respond to that statement, since people sit and wait for a response after saying it. If you think of it, tell me. I have no idea what to say.

(6) Don't let that music move you while you're driving. Remember you don't have tinted windows and if you imagine yourself to be some African-American woman with soul and the ability to get jiggy with it, you will still look like a dorky white girl having seizures at a stoplight.

(7) Get used to people telling you that you look fifteen, even though you are 26. Accept that if you wear makeup, you will only accomplish looking like a whorish 15 year old. You have a baby face and you don't wear makeup so people will always think you are twelve. Get used to being carded for rated R movies. Try to think of the future, when you'll be happy to be carded.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

Nicole...do you get a kick out of everyone pointing out their flaws???

(its okay if you say yes, I do)

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

Sounds like Pamie could live in my body without a worry - her 34D story is the story of my life! I've had 'em since I was 12 and I resent Victoria's Secret for consistently failing to cater to the 34D woman. Like we don't really exist. You're either 36 C or D, no in betweens. No no, you can be **narrow** and have big breasts. That's impossible. There's no way you can be a 5'2" petite with a 34 D cup chest. The physics aren't there.

Dig my physics.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

One more thing....

#7 Around Noon or 1:00, your tummy will tell you it is hungry. Put food in it please. But, beware...around two, your tummy will reject the food. You will not vomit, you will dry heave.

No you are not hung over, you were the designated driver last night. No you are not pregenant. No you do not have the flu. You can not go home yet (3 hours of vacation pay = three hours you could be on vacation another time)

Don't worry, you stomach just hates you.

Now, reach into your bottom right desk drawer, there is a bottle of Pepto. Take a swig for the team...You'll feel better...

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

Can I just tell everyone how much I love Holly? You had better come back to Kansas City soon. I miss you - thin hair, nauseous tummy, sweaty face, and all. ;)

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

Awwww...Katherine, I miss you too lil darlin!!!

I am going to be in the KC area Labor Day weekend for my brother's wedding (Iffen I'm not living in KS/MO by then)...maybe we can hang sometime while I'm there. I bet if we go to a bar, I can find you another "cutie-patooty" man to fan your crotch with a paper plate and ask you for sex

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

Everything is normal. Except: Those knees are tricky, and not because of kneeling, dammit; Falling would REALLY hurt; Forget about the hair, nothing helps (don't you dare cut it!); Don't adjust the car seat; If you see a piece of paper and it looks like trash, don't you dare throw it out; My body is my home..., but cleaner.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

ah...

1. you are legally blind. this mean you MUST wear my glasses, but remember that my husband has a thing for the "librian look."

2. don't color, straighten, or cut the hair yourself. supercuts just corrected the at-home 'do, so DON'T mess with it. just shampoo, condition, and put in some leave-in detangler. if you're feeling spunky, there are many hair things that you can try to put on, but i don't recommend it.

3. you have a really, really keen sense of smell. try to ignore it.

4. be sure to eat SOMETHING before taking the zoloft. i don't know if it's even working, but you'll get a horrible tummy ache.

5. no coffee. ever. gives me the shits.

6. nap at lunch. you can't help it, there's a couch nearby. hold your watch in your hand and listen to the tower's clock to get up in time.

7. drink lots of water. you get dehydrated easily. try to drink enough at work so your pee is clear. it's like a game.

8. the moment you get home from work: wash face, no moisturizer. change clothes. wear something ratty. lie down for awhile. claim your "deprogramming" from work.

9. eat rice at night before bed. (i've been sick, so bear with me on this one.) make sure to add veggie boul. in the water. umm-umm!

10. put cold eye mask on face before bed. doesn't really do anything, but is awfully soothing.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

1. We currently have no good bras. You will spend all day being suddenly stabbed by a migrating underwire, and going to the bathroom to shove them back into place. Deal with it, we are poor.

2. As with the other redhead who responded, people will come up to you and gush over your hair. You have gotten this since you were little, so you are used to it. What you are not used to is the more recent development now that you are older - "You dye it, right?" Give them a Look and say no.

3. Speaking of the hair, it's very long and you must remember to move it out of the way before you put on a backpack or sit in a high- backed chair. And before you close the car door. It won't matter though. The hair will always be caught in something. It will also shed and you will be picking long red hairs off your shirt all day.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

If you must ride a bike, wear a long shirt. Your, uh, ass sweats. A lot.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

Sometimes, when a boy...er...pounces on you, your pelvis and hip joints are just going to pop. He's going to think he, like, broke you or something. It's going to kill the mood for a while. It's probably from that time you fell off your bike while fleeing from pursuit in the rain at 4 a.m., so tell him the story and wait until he's done laughing to resume previously interrupted activities.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

Dear Whoever Is Taking Over My Body:

First of all, take care of me. If you don't, I'll come find you once I get my body back and I'm going to kick your ass. Speaking of which, please work out while you have my body. I haven't been on a workout regimen for the last three months to have you come in here and ruin it for me. See the free weights in the living room? Use them. The bike in the garage? Ride it. And walk, don't drive, to the bus stop. I mean it.

Second, don't worry about finding the hairbrush, you won't need it. Just wash it, dry it, and run your hands through it, it'll look great.

Keep the acne preparations the hell away from my face, unless it really, really needs it. My skin does not like salicylic acid. You will think it helps but really it will just turn my face ruddy and weird-looking. I prefer my face the way God made it, thank you.

Don't bother with the bras. I only wear those when I want to look enticing for the boyfriend as he is stripping off my clothes. For everyday wear, they are unnecessary and in fact in summertime they are quite annoying.

Speaking of the boyfriend, hands off. Just because you have my body does not mean you get to play with all my toys.

Oh, and while you're in there, why don't you go ahead and go to my dentist appointment? Thanks a million.

xoxo,
Jan

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

Have any of you with the "nipply" problem tried lining your bras? I remember reading this in some of my mom's pregnancy and nursing books when my little brother was born. I seem to remember them suggesting hankerchiefs and, of course, nursing pads. I know the nursing pads are intended for absorbing leaks, but the extra insulation might help.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

Ignore the alarm, let the man turn it off.. sleep until you can't possibly lie in bed anymore - otherwise you'll be cranky all day. Ignore the phone if it rings - it's just Angela, trying to wake your worktilloneinthemorningcan'tsleepuntil5inthemorning ass up to make you go to lunch with her. If the man answers and shoves the phone in your face, beg her to make it another day, then get up and go anyway.

When you're up, head straight for the fridge for a diet pepsi, then to the computer desk for a cigarette. Consume both while checking the mail, or you'll be cranky.

Take a shower. Use the spare bathroom, just because I like it better and I keep all the good products in there. Wash hair with Neutrogena shampoo. Ignore Neutrogena conditioner and use cheap stuff - it works better. Make sure to use the Neutrogena Body Clear body wash or your shoulders will be dotted with ugly heat bumps. Brush your teeth with the PINK toothbrush, not the blue. I may kiss the man but I refuse to share a toothbrush.

Be careful not to step in the stray kitty litter the cat has kicked out of his box, it will stick to your wet feet. Don't towel dry hair, squeeze excess water and use the frizz ease hair serum, or your hair will be, well, frizzy. Towel Dry after use.

Wrap self in towel and smoke another cigarette or I'll be cranky. Finish cigarette and find clothes. Ignore the right side of the closet - none of those clothes fit. Please choose one of the nice pairs of jeans... Zana Di jeans fit me better than any of the others. All of the good shirts and underwear are probably in the laundry room, on the floor waiting to be folded (that rarely happens). Oh, all the good socks are in there too.

Head to master bathroom.. that's where I keep the hair dryer. Please use a dime size amount of Paul Mitchell's The Conditioner or my hair will be frizzy. Blow dry hair on high heat, with large round brush to straighten, or my hair will be frizzy. Don't get bored and stop using the brush or my hair will be frizzy. As soon as it's dry apply the frizz ease smoothing crap in the top right drawer or my hair will be frizzy.

Makeup - I don't care. Just please use the foundation powder crap in the gray compact or my face will break out... other than that go at it. When dressing please remember that shirts must not be too short or too long or I will look as obese as you feel in my body. Slight belly coverage is a good thing. Shoes... Don't even think about wearing any other than the red, four eyelet Doc Martens or people will know you're not really me. I've worn those shoes almost every day for the past three years. Yea, I know, they look very nice for being so old. Don't scuff them.

When you meet Angela for lunch, be nice to my body. She will try to convince you to go get Chinese food at the buffet. Please have more restraint than I do. This is not a church supper. You don't HAVE to have some of everything. The same kind of food will be there next week.

Remember - I'm trying to lose weight. Cholesterol is an issue. Watch what you eat. Diet Pepsi only. If you have a sweet tooth while at work (yes, I work in a grocery store... but I'm management, it's not as bad a job as you will immediately feel. Remember that I'm "moving on up" and therefore need to be have) carefully drop a penny in the Brach's Candy box, pretending it's a quarter, and take three of the red fruit slice candies. Eat the red only, the other's taste like ass.

While at work, lift with your legs and not with your back. While blocking the shelves, be nice to the knees. "Walk" on the knees as little as possible. Don't be surprised when you crouch down and they pop, they've always done that.

When you get home at 2 in the morning, don't eat. I know you want to, but don't or you will not only retain it but not be able to sleep until 6 or 7 a.m. This is not a happy. Drink Plenty of diet pepsi and have as many cigarettes as you want to. Caffeine consumption is okay, it doesn't effect you.

Apply lotion to sore knees and feet. Remove engagement ring and apply to hands. Wash face and brush teeth. Take your pick of t-shirts, the man and I own 63 crap shirts... have fun with it. I enjoy my NiN t- shirt from 1994. Just don't wear the blue and white striped shirt with the hair dye stained. That shirt is for dying hair only and if you put it on your right nipple will be exposed. This is not a happy.

Sleep, if the man is not in bed yet, this is a good thing. If he is curl up with a pillow clutched to your chest or his hands will wander. Don't worry, you probably won't be in the mood. Please make sure to use a flat pillow and a soft pillow, soft one on top. Body pillow goes between the knees and you clutch the other side. Please also use the pink Holly Hobby comforter hidden behind the pillows.. I know it's 20 years old, but it's my favorite. If the man snuggles up to you and begins snoring in your ear, tell him the computer crashed, he'll sit up, scream, mumble something you won't be able to understand, then roll over with his back toward you and go back to sleep. This is a happy.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

To whoever takes this body of mine -

1.) You are a bitch in the morning until you've had a cup of coffee. Make sure to put coffee in me before leaving the house because we don't want to piss anyone off at the office.

2.) Make sure to take a 15 minute shower before leaving the house. Follow this routine or I will complain: hot water in the shower, oatmeal soap in the shower because I will itch with any other kind, put oatmeal lotion on me before putting clothing on. Put on perfume -- three sprays on the neck, two on each wrist and !do!not! rub it in.

3.) Dress me in something decent looking. Designer names only, please. I don't want to look like I've shopped at Wal-Mart for office wear. And make sure to state that you mean no offense to anyone when you mentioned that anti-walmart thing above. And while dressing me, do not dress me in an underwire bra. Those things were meant for small-chested people (36 B an under, not 42 C and above like me).

4.) Make sure you put food into me on time at least six times a day. Don't feed me sugar. I'm diabetic. Make sure to remember to give me insulin injections three times a day. I'm diabetic, eesh!

5.) Don't put me into a situation where I could become stressed out. I have a bad habit of feeling really, really sick and having to excuse myself if I am in a confrontation with someone. I get migraines too, mostly from stress, so be kind and gentle with me.

6.) Be careful with my hair. It is past my waist and I don't feel like having it dragged through toilet water or shut into a car door. And it's not like any of those things have happened to us before.

7.) Ignore drivers on the road who drive like idiots. Don't threaten to sue them, rear-end them, total their car, call the police, want to screw their personal lives over, take their drivers license away, let the air out of their tires, key the paint on the car or otherwise damage the appearance of their SUV's. Remember: my BMW goes faster than their Subaru.

8.) You'll occasionally feel like you have to pee during a meeting. Never worry about this because it's nerves. You can usually hold it for up to 10 hours if you have to; you just feel it more when you're nervous.

9.) Don't go more than 12 hours without checking e-mail. You are the person who is responsible for an entire graphic design and computer consulting business and we wouldn't want to miss something important.

10.) You get hiccups a lot. Especially when you go to a restaurant at night and order three margaritas. You can drink as much as you want that is alcoholic. The only side effects that you will have is laughing like an ass. But you laugh like an ass at every single thing someone says to you anyway so nobody will notice the difference!

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

1. You have no sense of smell. No one will ever remember this and they will constantly ask you to smell things. If you're lucky enough to meet new people, you'll most likely have to explain it to them. They will ask you a zillion questions, all of which you have answered a zillion times before. That's okay though, you won't mind too much. Also, stay extra clean and well groomed, you will never know if you get smelly. Your friends are too nice to tell you that you reek.
2. Don't go shoe, bathing suit, or bra shopping. You have 10 wides and 34D's, you'll just get depressed because nothing will fit you.

3. Guys will either see you as the best buddy girl or the unattainable sex object girl. Never anywhere in between. They will either be your nice, fun, friends (which is okay) or want to cheat on their girlfriends with you (which is not okay)

4. Don't forget breakfast, drink water. Don't eat tomatoes, even though they are delicious, they aren't worth the bright red rashiness they bring.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

I would tell them: You have 38 ddd boobs. They are disgusting. If it's summer, you will need to wear a bra to keep from getting heat rash where they rub your chest.

Oh, and wash your hair every day.

I like these bras: http://decentexposures.com/

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

1. Drink coffee. Drink at least a cup before 10am or you'll have a headache for the rest of the day (no matter how much coffee you drink later).

2. Be sure to shower before you leave the house. The daily hair washing seems to dry the scalp and the rest of the hair, but if you skip a day your bangs will look like you haven't bathed in weeks. If you'd like to find a solution while you're here, feel free (but don't even think about growing the bangs out. This is not a forehead, this is an eighthead. We need the bangs).

3. The legs are hairy because I'm lazy, not because I really care. If you feel the need to shave, go ahead, have a blast.

4. Around three o'clock you will be incredibly sleepy. You have two choices: Put your head down for the ten minutes it will take and guarantee somebody will walk by, or be groggy until 5. A walk and some caffeine will help, but not as much as the nap.

5. I know you like wine. I know it gets you really drunk. But unless you're still going to be here in the morning stay away. I'm not dealing with that hangover again.

6. Floss. You're a mouth breather, which means your gums are in horrible shape. If you floss every day they don't bleed.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

THAT LIFE FOR A 5' TALL 20-S0METHING YR-OLD IS A WHOLE DIFFERENT BALL PARK, BABE.

Expect to be patted on the head, be called cute, or honey by complete strangers. -Never, ever expect to find clothes that fit, and forget jeans. -There's no such thing as jeans for my length. Trying on clothes (for the bottom portion--well the top too since I also have those gargantuan boobies Pamie was discussing...) is an arduous process, lengthy AND painful. -You get carded at the MOVIES and you're 23. -You wear big shoes which give you foot pain and back pain simply so you can wear "short" length kiss-ass pants that are too long.

Do I sound bitter??.. Hey walk a mile in these little feet and let me know! :)

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

To the person to use my bod for a day; A few handaling instructions.

1.) Don't freak out when you get out of bed. Yeah, the floor is a looong way away, and yes those things are my legs - not stilts. And try not to scream when, as you first rise to stand on shakey legs, my hips, knees and ankles crack, snapple and pop like a 21 gun salute. I know it's creepy but 15 years of dance training tend to do odd things to a person.

2.) When you get out of bed, you won't be able to see a thing. No, you don't need to find the glasses - call it dizzy spells, vertigo, or sleepy head - it'll pass in a minute whatever it is. Just try not to fall over, Patrick would never let me live it down.

3.) 15 minutes after eaty a measly toast breakfast you will get a tummy ache. A bad one. Don't eat more food for at least 2 hours. Don't eat more than a measly toast breakfast. Don't skip the measly toast breakfast. The tummy will ache no matter what you do. I am convinced this is because in the middle of the night - just to see if it is possible- Patrick pokes me repeatedly in the belly button with his finger to see if he can incite some weird giggling in my sleep reflex. Just deal with the tummy ache.

4.) The Nye geisha makeup is for under my eyes. Use it. Trust me on this one. I'm a pale pale girl and the only hint of color to my skin are the violet circles under my eyes. Use the normal concealer over top the geisha white and everything will work out fine.

5.) Only wear the button fly american eagle jeans. They are the only ones long enough to cover my ankles.

6.) Don't worry about which pair of socks to wear, after 2 hours it will all be bunched up in the arche of my foot, annoying the piss out of you.

7.) Shirts. this is the quandry. Think *very carefully* about what you are going to do today. If it is nothing important, go for one of the little cotton/stretch knit tops. Just be forwarned that because of the breasts, you will be tugging repeatedly on the hem of this shirt. None of them are long enough to tuck in, and they just come to the top of the jeans when you first put it on, I balme the manufacturers. After a few minutes of....oh, lets say BREATHING, it's hem will be tickling your belly button. T-shirts are ok, but be aware that it will make you look about 10 to 20 pounds fatter. A round face and large boobs do that in large t-shirts. No, it doesn't matter that the pants are a size 6, some aquaintence of mine will walk forward and say in a conspiratorial tone "Have you gained some weight?" And when you say no, they won't believe you. Mental note - if you plan on getting a photo taken, wear one of the tailored button downs. I paid to have those altered for good reason, damnit.

7.) Underwear. The bras all have underwire - deal with it. There's no way to be 34 D and not have underwire. And use the hooks the are the farthest in - making the tightest fit. It won't be tight enough, and you'll be tugging at the straps all day, but I haven't gotten around to altering them yet. The best ones are the Victoria's Secret white lace in daisy pattern - pretty, lined with soft cotton fabric (trust me, nipples and lace don't mix, itch itch itch), and no padding. That's why I have 6 of the suckers. Underwear - well, get ready for the thong. G-string, T-back, whatever you want to call it, that;s what you're getting. Trust me, if you try and wear any full backed underwear, it's all gonna end up in your crack anyway. This way, its only a tiny sliver of material in your crack rather than all the material it takes to cover my butt.

8.) Shoes. Doc Martens for nearly everything. I adore those shoes. The are great, fab, I walked in my high school graduation in them and I love them with all my heart. Don't even think about touching the black suede go-go boots. I am a trained professional, thus I can wear platforms just fine. I am used to my body. I don't need you falling down and making an ass out of me. If you want nice shoes you will have to go with some sort of sandal. I have loads for nearly every occassion. I don't own a single pair of pumps so don't look. My heels are all either short and chunky or too tall for the average person to wear.

9.) Hair - just use a little of the TIGI Shine Junkie - trust me. That stuffs a godsend.

10.) Be ready to eat a few times a day. But only a little at a time. I typically eat about 5 times a day, but small servings each meal. There's the (measly) toast breakfast. At work a snack - candy bar or bag of chips from the machine. Lunch - sandwhich, baby carrots, jello. Get home - popcorn or mac and cheese. Dinner - pasta. You will drinking all day long. Mountain Dew at work is a joy - but gatorade or water at home. You don't need to be up any later than usual.

11.) By the end of the day, your back will hurt. So will shoulders, waist, hips and thighs. Scoliosis. Patrick will offer a back rub - if its really bad, take him up on it. It won't really help much more than to relax you - help you get to sleep. The pain will still be there however - it's not muscle pain, and cannot be rubbed away. It is bone/cartlidge grinding, tendon pulling, nerve pain. So, when you are typing, try to sit back - don't hunch over, no matter how much the weight of the breasts makes you want to...make use of any and all lumbar support that you can.

12.) And don't forget to take the calcium, vitamin E, Magnesium, Zinc, Vitamin C and one a day tablets in the bathroom. And floss please.

13.) For a full discouse on the breasts, read pamies entry. Its all 100 % true. You will be stared at, smirked at, guys will poke their friends and point as you walk by - try not to blush too much, I look terrible in red. Stay away from city hall and lake eola if at all possible - construction workers across the street.

and hands off my boyfriend. ;)

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

Alright, you unlikely bastard. I'm gonna say this once and only once: You're color-blind. Don't ignore it - you'll only embarass yourself again. Don't complain about it - everyone hates a whiner. Deal with it.

Don't struggle with your failing memory...it's still pissed you quit smoking and scurries around your mind in a multi-faceted attempt to confuse and befuddle you.

Don't start calling people at 7 am...you'll end up with less-than- useful conversations to assist you:

You: "Hi. You remember the slacks we got at Eddie Bauer about a month ago? The ones that you said made me look like a well-hung Chandler? Are those blue or black or what?"

Caller: "You're kidding."

You: "No. I'm late. Are you going to help?"

Caller: "So I have to dress you now?"

You: "No...I just don't know what color these slacks are...and the label isn't any help either. It simply refers to the color as #FFAE8377405. I guess I could call corporate headquarters and ask them the pigmentation of that particular dye."

Caller: "Now you're being cynical."

You: "No...I'm being late. Again. Can you help?"

Caller: "Why don't you just wear jeans?"

You: "Do you have Eddie Bauer's phone number?"

Caller: "."

You: "Hello?"

Here's the collection of my wisdom over the years:

1.) When selecting clothes, go to a store...find a mannequin / display that looks like something you could actually pull off...buy the whole damn outfit.

2.) Wear outfit to work. Cautiously enter your floor, noting every microcosmic expression of the people you pass. If they appear to dismiss you out of hand...and don't stare at you, wondering when you raided Johnny Bravo's wardrobe...you're cool.

3.) Here's where it gets ugly: When they do stare at you...and you feel like you're back in 3rd grade talking to that cute little blonde with your fly wide open...undock your laptop, scurry down the hall, and work in the Networking lab for the rest of the day (where any clothes you own make you a fashion God.)

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

to whom it may concern:

1) you're 17 and fully grown. breasts would have grown by now if they're going to. you're an 10c and going to stay like that. one of these days you'll get over your fear of the bench press and get pectoral muscles you can pass off as breasts. try not to look wistful at pamie's entry, bitch.

2) you cannot change the bar on the lateral pulldown machine. even though you pull more than most guys your age, you'll still look like a wussy little girl when you try to put on the nice long bendy bar. it's also guaranteed that a no-neck musclebound freak in lycra will end up taking over and changing the bar with one hand and will probably call you 'little lady'. note:- quoting germaine greer does not work in this situation.

3) your quadriceps are in a constant state of ache, your right knee is constantly teetering back into mystery arthritis territory and your orthopaedic surgeon is a rugby fan. live with it.

4) you're postpubescent so that acne ain't going anywhere soon.

5) there's a reason there's so much black in the cupboard. the australian sunlight + melanin deprived second hand canadian skin do not mix.

(p.s:- yes, you have a heroic ability to consume alcohol but don't take too much advantage of it. it makes you break out).

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

1. Copy this page and put it near the full-length mirror to remind you that all those people who you think are perfect have wobbly zones, wayward nipples, short legs and flat hair too. We all have body issues. Deal with it. Love yourself.

2. No sugar ever. Or you will hate me, and everyone else will too.

3. No booze. See above.

4. You have great skin. Gloat.

5. Ahhh, but the hip/thigh area...well, you have a comfy lap.

6. Right now you have fingernails. DO not get used to it. Soon they will split, peel and you will start gnawing at them.

7. You have cute feet. Wear sandals.

8. No, no one's beating you. Your legs just bruise like bananas for no reason and it doesn't help that you're clumsy.

9. Tell all the buxom women on this forum about the Old Lady Bra Shop. There's got to be one in each town. Here in Austin it's called Petticoat Fair, but you call it the Old Lady Bra Shop. It's where you can find bras that fit, don't leave ruts in your shoulders, scoop up those droopy Double Ds and even come close to being sexy/cute/not orthopedic. Now you can wear T-shirts. You can wear low-cut shirts. You can be proud and yet not have to go into traction. Let us rejoice.

10. Tell the cat Roosevelt not to claw the couch. Geez, its only a year and a half old...

Martha

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

For anyone who would want to be me:

- You didn't see that doorway coming up until it cracked you in the knee, did you? And you thought there was more space between your right hip and the steering wheel, right? Ha. Now you know why I look like this all the time. Lack of depth perception sucks.
- No, the glasses do not fix that problem. That's why I don't wear them. If you choose to, you'll get to see two of everything.
- Don't piss and moan about the small breasts. You can fill out a renaissance-fair bodice, but bras, under t-shirts, are optional. Be thankful something was designed right.
- I only shave legs when I'm wearing something that isn't jeans. That does not happen a lot. Deal with it.
- Without tons of conditoner, that nice long hair turns into something crispy that vaguely resembles straw.
- The dog is a black Lab mix. He sheds everywhere. If I got rid of everything that has a dog hair stuck to it, we'd be naked, homeless, and hungry. Just brush them off. He can't help it.
- Wear the platform sandals and die. Combat boots are comfy, which is why they have been worn continuously for over a year.
- Yes, I have hit myself in the face with a hat rack before. Yes, it will probably happen again. Damn depth perception.
- Caffeine and nicotine. Important things, here. Really important. Life and death important.
- People will think the eyes are pretty. They are blue and grey. They get noticed. If this happens, be sure to mention that the right one barely works.
- Sit cross-legged in the computer chair most of the time, so you can pop the left hip back into place when it starts aching.
- Forget the caffeine and nicotine, and I'll die. I would not appreciate that.
- And update the damn journal every once in a while.

Animate.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

1. Remember to wash your face and put that zit stuff on EVERY night. Yes, we are 20, and yes, we still get zits.

2. Take your meds.

3. Go to bed before midnight, especially when you have to get up at 6am the next morning.

4. Small bladder. Don't drink too much, or I promise you will be on the toilet every 5 minutes.

5. Get off the computer and move your booty.

6. Stop biting your fingernails.

7. Put down the credit card. Back away from the computer and catalogs.

8. Your first instinct might be to flee everytime you try something new, but if you resist it, I promise you it will get better.

9. Whatever my mom says... just ignore it. If you fight back it will only get worse.

10. Dress nice. For once.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

1. you must use a palm-ful of conditioner AND brush hair with conditioner in it while in the shower. dont even think about brushing it when it isnt wet. palm-ful of gel in it too, or else you'll look like a ... yucky-head. 2. no shorts. yes, its hot in south florida but you'll look & feel like a cow after 5 minutes in them. 3. NICOTINE IS YOUR FRIEND. REMEMBER THIS. 4. tons of moisturizer on face or else you'll feel digusting and scaly in an hour. 5. dont bother eating in the AM, no matter what you'll be hungry by 12, so skip breakfast and save yourself the extra calories. 6. bring 1000 books/poetry volumes/blank journals everywhere you go, or else you'll cry and/or get really bored. 7. take paxil before leaving the house or else you'll die of nausea later on. 8. dont forget ugly blue hoodie that youre obsessed with and wear everywhere. 9. dont take everything so goddamn PERSONALLY!!! people are not trying to make you miserable and/or enraged...so get over it. 10. kiss baby brother lots and lots and lots. cuddle with him, etc. in order to quell that premature maternal instinct. 11. listen to your mother. shes usually right.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

Your eyesight is dreadful now you're me ... don't even think about leaving the house without glasses on.

Your skin is pretty dodgy too ... don't forget the concealer.

And take a hairtie, because your hair is shoulder-length now, and it's pretty annoying when you're trying to eat.

Don't wear those new shoes ... you get blisters really easily.

If these even a hint of sunshine, wear sunscreen ... you're the whitest girl in the world.

(by the way, I'm also 34D, but I'm 5 foot 10, and hardly even look buxom, so nobody ever believes me.)

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

Do whatever you want. Have a ball. And if you find the G-spot, or anything else interesting, leave me a note on your way out, willya?

ever the relaxed hostess,

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

Perhaps we should start a 34D thread? One, er, two here also .

I've found that Calvin Klein offers the best of both style and support worlds. They keep me looking pretty AND perky. Gotta love it. Wait until your local dept. store has its semi-annual sale or look for them at Warnerco Outlet stores which has a better selection and better prices than a CK outlet. I've also discovered that if I can't find a 34D I like, that 36C works just as well hooked all the way in.

But who are the freaks who design underwear, I ask you? I'm a size 6 but buy underwear sized L because if I buy the S or M the tags say I should, there are all sorts of unsightly bulges.

Argh.

Saturnine.

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

If you're going to spend a day in my bod, here are a few rules.

1) Ignore the alarm when it goes off at 6am. I set it that way on purpose. Wake up slowly, and get up at 6:45. I don't react well to the sudden wake-up. DO NOT hit the snooze button, though, because you will fall back to sleep in 3 seconds.

2) You look fine with minimal makeup. Just a little foundation, a teensy bit of blush and lip gloss. Anything else, and you look like a 17 year old hooker.

3) Don't wear shorts. Yes, I know it's July, but you live in Edmonton, and the sun here only comes out when you're at work. Therefore, you have no tan. If you must wear something that exposes the legs, and you want to get rid of the white glare, use some of that Neutragena Tanning stuff. Put moisturizer on before and after, and rub it in really well, or you'll get streaks.

4) Do not put any chemicals in the hair. I have gone to hairdressers who are amazed at the healthiness of my hair. The secret: no hairspray or mousse or dyes or anything on a regular basis. If you go out, and you feel that your coiffe can benefit from a little gel or spray, go ahead, but don't use too much. Just don't wear it everyday. I finally got my hair healthy again, and I don't need you screwing it up and getting it al split-endy.

5) Do not EVER fall asleep with your contacts in. I know you might be tempted to catch a nap on the bus, but trust me, you'll be squeezing drops into your eyes all day long, and they don't really help. By noon, you will have to take them out. Remember to bring your glasses and a case with you.

6)Speaking of contacts, if you intend to leave the house, wear them. There are several reasons for this. One is that you look like a dork in your glasses, also you can see better with the contacts. And your clip-on sunglasses are toast, so if you want to wear sunglasses, you need to wear contacts. Period.

7) Do your yoga. I know that some nights you don't feel like twisting into prezel shapes, but you will thank yourself later. And don't worry about some of the harder positions. You're very bendy.

8) Your joints are pretty messed up. Remember the part about being very bendy? Well, it's because you have loose tendons and ligaments, and they're hypermobile. This is a blessing and a curse. You see, the muscles surrounding those tendons and ligaments have to overcompensate for the movement. The result: PAIN!!! So take it easy. Nothing too high-impact. I don't mind if you take the bod out for a jog or a walk or something, but if you try to run a marathon, you will be in agonizing pain for days afterward. And don't think that just because you're running, and you don't feel any pain that you won't later. It will hit you in a few hours. So, everything in moderation, K?

9) Booze. You are almost 25, and you have never really been drunk. Therefore, I cannot warn you what the consequences of a night of barhopping will be. However, if you do try this, please, PLEASE, don't be an idiot. I don't want to be living down your mistakes for the next few years. And don't worry about drinking and driving. You can't drive.

10) Keep your hands off Jay. He's mine. If you're going to play Faith for a day or so, the least you can do is not make him a Riley. I know Jay's cute and red-headded and everything, but lay off.

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

1)The boobs: Not even worth trying. It doesn't matter what shirt you wear, what bra you wear, what mirror you look into, or what angle at which you look into the mirror. Face it, they're just too big. If you feel so compelled, go buy a minimizer bra. Just use your own money.

2)The hair: I realize that every time you lean over, it falls right into your face. That would be because it was just cut last week. Use a little bit of gel to make it stay semi-in-place. It helps, trust me on it. Other than that, comb-and-go.

3)Don't wear shorts. It just plain isn't a good idea. The jeans aren't very comfortable, so go with the wide assortment of cargo and wide-leg pants/cords.

4)Shirts: Only about three of those tank tops actually fit right. Wear those or one of the many, many t-shirts. And no, you really can't hide that little roll of fat. If you want it gone, you do the exercising, dammit.

5)Shoes: There are a lot. Wear either the combat boots or those ones that look like water shoes (they're not). Do not wear either pairs of sandals, and if you even TRY platforms, you'll fall right off of them and cause a concussion. That's something I just don't need.

6)Makeup is a no-no. You just aren't coordinated enough.

7)When going to work, make an effort not to be driven to hysterics by stupid customers, co-workers, or managers. Bitch them out behind their backs instead.

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

Things to remember for those who take over my body: 1. Remember to take the meds. There's a list on the inside of the medicine cabinet. Take *all* of them or you will have a crappy day.

2. This body doesn't stretch worth a damn. Remember this. you'll give it cramps if you try.

3. If you're going to be staring at the computer screen, use the reading glasses. If you're going to be outdoors, sunglasses and sunscreen are a *must* unless it's dark.

4. There's a tattoo on my right ankle. sunscreen on that every morning, no matter what. Even if you decide to wear my boots. 5. Yes, i do own only three pairs of shoes--the boots, the tennies and the sandals. Cope.

6. The black and white cat has a mean right hook. and she uses claws.

7. No sugar. I mean that. No caffiene, either. You'll find a lunchbox with today's lunch in the fridge. Eat from that.

8. get in at least four liters of water or I garuntee you will feel awful by sundown.

9. If you get the chance to have sex, go for it. At least *someone* would be getting some with my body.

10. And no, I don't own any bras. They don't *make* 42A bras. Gleefully ignore people when they stare. They're perky, damnit! 11. The left one is Powder Pouf. The right one, the one that's pierced, is Jehovah. [no, i didn't name them.]

12. Try to have fun. Don't get my body killed.

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

To The Person Test-Driving My Bod Around,

1. Take time to familiarise yourself with any moles, scars, and imperfections you may find. There are a lot of them, and I don't want you wigging out thinking there's a spider on us or anything.

2. Don't shave! Yes, I know it's unsightly, but I'm saving it up to wax it off. Wear pants or something.

3. Feel free to pluck those eyebrows. You'll probably do a better job of it than I have.

4. Get lots of vitamin c, and keep our Wonderfulness clean. If you hand this body back to me with a UTI, I will personally track you down and kill you as soon as I can move without crying.

5. Go easy on the moisturiser, and try not to use anything but glycerine soap. The grapefruit toner is also a wonderful thing. Use it.

6. Enjoy the breasts, and know that the only reason we can get away with having such giant boobs is because we're 5'10" and have shoulders like a goddamned quarterback. Wear a bra and know that pamie had it dead right. (Bras. All the time. Constantly. Underwire. No frilly-soft-lacy-pretty things. Industrial strength. Straps an inch wide. You look like a 1950's Nurse that's into S&M. -pamie) And a swipe of the grapefruit toner right where the underwire has been resting is a wonderful end to a long day.

7. Don't drink too much coffee. We have a delicate chemical balance, and one cup of java has us dancing around like Ginger Rogers on crack.

8. Tea? Oh, tea is fine. Lots of water, too. And orange PowerAde.

9. Have fun with the boy, but not too much fun. Yeah, isn't he wonderful? Enjoy it while it lasts, but I do want my body back eventually. Hey, I'm talking to you. Hey! Get that silly grin off your face!

10. Oh shit, yeah. We're allergic to mangoes, so don't get creative.

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

whoops... one more.

11. Yes, I know our hair is violet. Leave it alone. After you wash it, condition the hell out of it and then dry it before you let our head touch anything, otherwise you'll dye everything we;re near a delicate lavender.

That is all.

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

Welcome to your new body. Hey, nothing like a good fixer-upper. Just take note of a few things:

- Wash the hair daily, unless you want it to look like an oil slick. Conditioner is necessary because of the bleached stripes, but keep it away from the roots.

- Stay away from pretty-smelling bath & shower products, cleansers, soap, and lotions. They are not your friends. Unfragranced only. Also, bar soap is evil.

- Yes, your skin tone is a bit blotchy & uneven, and the dark circles under your eyes are NOT from lack of sleep. Accept this, do not attempt to "correct" these flaws with foundation or concealer. There is not a foundation shade in the world pale enough to match your skin tone, and you'll only succeed in making yourself look worse. Trust me on this one.

- See those nice long nails? Don't mess with 'em. They come in handy, you'll soon discover. Gently run them along his back & chest and watch him go nuts.

- Ah, you've discovered what guys discover once they reach second base with me: your breasts are not the same size. Good luck finding a bra that fits, because most don't come with one A cup and one C cup. This sucks. I'm sorry there's nothing that can be done about this. Surgery will not correct it. As for the boyfriend, don't worry. He doesn't mind at all.

- Stay the hell away from all dairy products. They will make you break out like mad. It's SO not worth it, trust me.

- Take your reactine every day.

- Feel free to exercise. I wouldn't mind coming back to a more toned body.

- Don't wear sunscreen. Skin cancer be damned, the sun will give you a bit of colour, and boy do you need it.

- Never drink more than 5 beers or drinks in a two-hour time period. And make sure you've eaten, because I still haven't figured out my empty stomach limit.

- Be wary of weed. You're not a good stoner and you tend to get paranoid and antisocial. No more than 3 tokes.

- Your period has never been regular. If you go 10 weeks without it, don't panic. This is normal for you. You're not on the pill yet, so don't forget: condoms are in the top dresser drawer. USE THEM!

All right, I think you're well-prepared now. Have fun.

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

Re your entry on your problematic breasts:

Jeez, Pamie. I'm a guy and I think too many people make breasts out to be more than they really should be. They're just mammary glands. Nothing special. Sheesh.

As for the back problems, you might want to seriously consider breast reduction. A couple of my friends are opting for that, rather happily, I might add. More power to them.

-- Anonymous, July 08, 2000

Shaving legs is a complete waste of time. And don't bother trying to live life like the other whatever-million Americans out there who can drink coffee--you will break out like the moon's surface with just a couple cups.

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

What if it was a guy in your body?

-- Anonymous, November 16, 2001