We're all friends here and I am hoping someone out there could give me some help. To be frank, my sex drive is lagging. I've been married for 4 years now and I love my husband more than anything. It just seems that, well, the urge isn't there. Zero. Zip. I'm always too tired or just not interested. Again, I love him and am very attracted to him. He's very understanding and we've talked about it and have been working through this (I've been going on like this for about 6 months). Once sex is initiated (either by him or me) I'm good to go. I need to work on getting to that point. I have always had a healthy outlook on sex and we never had trouble before. I'm 27 and in good health. However, I am on the Pill, could that be what's supressing my libido? Any help/tips/insights would be greatly appreciated.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

Answers

Lately, I haven't felt as frisky as I usually do, and I'm so in love with my mate and totally attracted to him and vice versa. But I'm a little stressed since I'm trying to find a new job and the apartment complex I'm living in is considering selling the place...

I've heard stress really affects the libido.

Also, hormones.. It could just be a phase.

I just hope it gets better soon.

I heard Ginseng helps.. I think I'll try that.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

I find that hanging around attractive men stirs up the libido...

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

I will try to help you out, Tina. I've been married nearly 3 years, and I'm 26 - we've been together 8 years, and we have a fantastic relationship - I love him to death, and I'm very attracted to him. So I can see where you're coming from.

My husband thought my 'dry spells' were due to him, for the longest time, and kept it all pent up inside - be glad that you're talking about it, we didn't for too long. Like you, once I'm naked & in the bed, everything's peachy - I just don't seem to have sex on the brain like I used to, to get me to that point. He does almost ALL the initating. When I went off the pill, I noticed a SLIGHT increase in drive, but not that much.

You may find it helps to try something new. I'm the rut queen, I swear, but with being pregnant, it has forced us to try new things, otherwise there would be no sex. One thing that worked for us before pregnancy was, instead of saying "let's go to bed" and hopping in, make out on the couch like a couple of teenagers, fully clothed. Before long, you'll be tearing those clothes off. Also, the shower is a fun place to be together. If you have a jacuzzi tub, those are AMAZING. A glass of wine always releases my inhibitions, too. There are other things you can do, like watching porn movies together & stuff, but we think pornos are funny, so that never works for us. A good friend of mine picked up a few of the Penthouse Letters books, and they read to each other. You could also try the "1,000 Nights of Grrrreat Sex" book - when I worked in a bookstore, we sold lots of those. Kama Sutra stuff is fun too - the Honey Dust and their massage oils are great for a twist.

I hope some of this helped!

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

Hey there...no need to worry, it happens to all of us! The pill no doubt has alot to do with the way that your feeling. If there is no other birth control option for you I think that you should sit down and try to think about what turns you on, what really gets your heart rate pumpin' and what makes you interested in sex.

Then after you decide what factors are key communicate that with your man so that he knows what turns you on more than anything and when you are lagging or when you don't feel like you want to get in the mood but know deep down that you want it, pull out the definate triggers!

Perhaps toys or movies turn you on or snuggling or reading an erotic book together...those are good ideas to getting you in the mood and then its smooth sailing!

Don't get frustrated with yourself and hopefully he won't get frustrated with you because then you will feel the pressure and you don't want that!



-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

A few months ago, I was searching the internet for "womanly" information and I happened upon this website. It's called the OB/GYN Forum, and it's a messageboard where about 20 or so doctors answer questions on anything and everything having to do with being a woman.

OB/GYN Forum

And if that doesn't help, check out the "O" thread on this forum.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

I definitely think the pill is part of it. I noticed a definite drop is my interest after I got on it. The thing is (and I think this is the same for you) once we get going, I enjoy sex as much as ever. I'm just less likely to initiate it, and it takes me a little longer to get warmed up. One thing that works for me is to exaggerate my interest for the first few minutes, after which there's no need anymore.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

I don't know how much help this will be, because frankly I've never really had much trouble with my libido. The boyfriend and I tend to initiate sex about the same amount, and it averages out to maybe 3-4x per week (weighted heavily towards the weekends).

I did notice a slight drop in libido while I was on the Pill. It wasn't like I never wanted to have sex, but I was initiating a little less. So that might be part of your problem.

Also, whenever one of us goes on vacation without the other, right after we come back it's major bedroom (and kitchen floor, living room couch, table, etc.) time. So maybe you just need a little break.

Wow, I feel like this has been incredibly unhelpful. I guess I should just say, good luck. And try switching Pills or something.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

I have been reading the above posts and I have searched for this type of information before and the responsise here seem pretty standard. Sometimes they help, but then, sometimes they don't. Here is my two cents. It's not the sex most people have a problem with... (re:"once im naked in bed, i'm fine") it's getting turned on in the first place. I think a caring partner can definately help in this area. The whole point seems to be, get me turned on first! I don't know about you, but I know that I don't just "get horney." That is kind of a forign concept to me. Something has to trigger my mind in that direction, then the body follows. Sex is more mental than anything. (see the o forum on this) So tuning your mind sexually may help. The thing that really helped me was turning on my desire to be a better lover, in everyway so that I sought out education on being a better lover. Try reading up on the art of flirting, and try it. We are all on the internet which is FULL of info, (other than porn) on how to enjoy yourself more sexually, as well as how to increase sexual energy in your daily life. Boy have I gotten off on this subject. The bottom line is, don't let your everyday hassels and stress get in the way of indulging in the pleasures of life, sex included. jo

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

This is interesting, because I've been starting to wonder if the pill is messing with my sex drive too. I notice that I feel oddly randy during my time o'the month now, which didn't use to be typical. I wonder if it's because that the only week of the month I'm not all hepped up on artifical hormones.

The thing is, I love the pill. It's had zero side effects for me. Um, unless this is one. Damn.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

The pill definitely messes with your libido - this has happened to me and several of my friends. So try another one - I've just changed and am hoping for an improvement!

I've very relieved to hear that this 'dry spell' business is fairly common. I put it down to hormones, and working too hard. Tristan and I are out at work/commuting for 12 hours a day, and most weeknights all I want to do is watch TV for an hour and sleep.

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

I've had libido problems lengthy enough to get me to the doctor, and the first thing they did was change my pill. The lower-dose pills that are better for all of us for so many reasons sometimes reduce hormone levels to the point of killing sex drive. Tell your doctor about the libido issue and ask if maybe you need a higher-dose pill...

Otherwise, maybe you're just bored and need to mix things up a little bit. Buy a book; buy Cosmo and follow the step-by-step suggestions to "heating up the bedroom." Go together to a nice sex shop and poke around, or, as my doctor pointed out when I expressed some trepidation at that prospect: "They sell vibrators in the drug store, you know."

Good luck.

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

If it's feasible, try going off the Pill.

I decided to go completely off injected/ingested birth control about 4 months ago (my husband and I switched to condoms), because I was tired of my almost total lack of sex drive and I believed the Pill/Depo was the cause. Within weeks, there was a noticeable difference. I think my husband and I have had more sex in the last 4 months than in the previous year and a half of our marriage, and I've done most of the initiating!

Good luck!

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

The pill can definately make a difference in your libido.... it took me two years to figure it out. Finally one day, it occured to me and I asked my OB/GYN - she said certain kinds can definately have a negative effect. So, I switched, and it has made quite a difference. I reccommend trying to switch, if you can. It may not cure you completely, but it can help.

Also, I know there are herbs you can take that are supposed to increase libido.... go to www.mothernature.com and it can guide you. I notice that if I go off my St. John's Wort it makes a difference. I seem to be better on it..... could be something like that for you too.

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

In the space of 5 years, the pill turned me from a happy and sexually active young lady into a screeching harpy totally devoid of any sexual urges. I didn't even want to masturbate, which up until then had been an excellent way to pass any spare time I happened to have lying about.

Yikes.

I went off the pill and noticed an immediate difference. The house got a lot quieter, and my then-boyfriend stopped looking harried and twitchy.

-- Anonymous, July 11, 2000