Do your parents still parent you? I swear, sometimes I'm sure they think they're just giving advice, but when I get off the phone, I have that same feeling like I'm in trouble and I should be ashamed of myself.

I also get the invisa-parent for when I don't finish my milk, or leave the laundry in the dryer all night.

Do your parents still parent you from afar? Are they deep in your head?

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

Answers

Actually, I just got the sweetest email from my Mom today. Totally out of the blue she sends me this message saying that she knows I don't go to Mass anymore (I was raised Catholic) and that she knows we no longer share many of the same beliefs, but that I'm her daughter and she raised me to think for myself and she still loves me and respects me and is proud of me, no matter what.

It just really made my day. I mean, on any other day, I could go off on a semi-rant about how she's always telling me to eat better or check the oil in the car, but man, how can I bitch after an email like that? My Mom is great.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

My parents will always parent me from anear, afar, and everywhere in between. Whenever I go over to their house for dinner or to visit, I spent a minimum of an hour attempting to clean my car, because I know my father will go to town on how horrendous it is ("How the hell do you get the bugs to shellack themselves to the hood of your car?! Have you allowed some domestic animal to ride in your car, or do you really shed this much?")

Almost any phone call with my mother will include a talk about my eating habits and whether or not I'm considering going back to Weight Watchers.

Oh God. Let's not even talk about money issues. I could go on for pages. But, as I'm sure you all remind yourselves:

THEY ONLY DO IT BECAUSE THEY LOVE ME.

I've worked on saying this enough so that I don't even gnash my teeth any more. ;)

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

My parents never really parented me when they were alive, so they're not up to bugging me much these days. They were free-thinker types, who didn't do normal parent stuff like groundings. My dad was the funniest. If there was a classic movie on the late late show, he would MAKE me stay up and watch it. Considered it an integral p[art of my education. Even when I was like, three! My mother learned (pretty early on) that groundings only served to make me more rebellious. The occasional smack was normal, but only till I got bigger than them. Then it became a bad idea to try. So, I lived most of my teens thinking for myself. I was the worst kid you could possibly imagine, but I'm becoming a more intelligent, logical and well rounded adult because of it. I don't have many mistakes left to make. I already made them all! Now I can just get on with my life. My parents certainly wouldn't want me to feel guilty for that. I think they'd be proud.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

I just got out of college about six months ago, and the house I was supposed to move into still isn't ready... which means I'm still living at home for now.

You know what else it means? Parents, parents, parents.

I know, I should be thankful that I have a place to live rent-free whilst my future rent-free home-to-be is being so lovingly prepared in anticipation of my arrival. Here's how it goes on a given day:

1. Are you up yet?
2. You're going to be late.
3. When did you wash that?
4. You're going to be late.
5. Will you be home for dinner?
6. Where are you going tonight?
7. Who's (name here)?
8. How do you know her?
9. You're going to be late.
10. Don't speed. Your insurance is set to take a dive in two months.
11. Are you ever going to (insert task here)?
12. Will you be home for dinner?
13. Where the hell have you been?
14. What time did you get in last night?
15. What do they say when you show up late?

But as it's already been pointed out, they do it because they love me. Just what I need--more tough love.

I can't wait to live alone.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

I was talking to my mom on the phone telling her how much fun I had over the holiday.

Me: We just sat on the beach, soaked up sun and drank.

Mom: Well, I hope you remembered to use sunscreen, you know how your face spots. What were you drinking?

Me: Beer. A ton of beer.

Mom: (shriek of disbelief)WHAT???????? You know beer makes you fat!!!! Do you want to be fat again??????

Me: Mom, just shut up.

I know my fat stage was hard on my mom. Watching people hurt my feelings, hurt her feelings. Seeing me be depressed and have a bad self image was awful for her. I know she hated to see me unhappy, but good lord, I have kept my weight off for over five years. You would think she would stop freaking out everytime a beer or something fattening touches my lips. It is exhausting having to justify myself. I still carry so much of that bad self image with me. I can't look in a mirror without thinking "fat, fat, fat". But to know that my mom is thinking "could be fat again, could be fat again", well that just sucks. Don't get me wrong, I love the woman, and I don't deserve her most of the time. She just needs to stop with the pageant mom syndrome.

On the flip side, my dad and I have totally reversed roles. Everytime we talk I ask him if he is eating right. Has he been exercising? Not drinking too much? Is he happy. I have no idea when we changed places, but it is no fun parenting your father.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

Yes, my parents still parent me, and the sad thing is, they're still right most of the time. About three months ago, my mom and dad were on my case about getting new tires for my almost four year old car. "You're going to get a flat," they told me "the tread will come off your tires and you'll be stuck by the side of the road and we won't be coming to help you." I, being the Queen of Procrastination, kept putting it off, not wanting to waste a Saturday at Discount Tire.

Sure enough, on my way to San Antonio with three of my friends a couple of weeks later, what happens? The tread completely comes off my left front tire about a mile outside Seguin. Not a big deal (I'd like to give a shout out here to all the people who stopped to help us out and to the cute boy at the Wal-Mart in Seguin who sold me a new tire), but it still pissed me off that Mom and Dad were right. I didn't tell them about it though, and even lied when I did go to get the rest of my tires replaced so they wouldn't find out and gloat about it. Because I'm twelve, you know, and still have to lie to my parents...

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

Wow...I think I have been blessed with the parental units I was given.

My parents quit trying to control me sometime while I was in high school (my brother was the rebel and I was the good girl, so I was always given the freedom to make my own decisions, the control approach didn't work, so they tried complete freedom for me). Besides, I think they realized somewhere around the age of 15/16 that I am very stubborn and will do what I want to do no matter what they say (and will get pissed off and be very vocal about it if they try to tell me otherwise), so they may as well let me make my own mistakes.

The role my parents play in my life is that of friend/confidant. Crazy huh? I ask them for advice, they ask me for advice...that's just the way it works.

For example: At age 22, about a week before my college graduation, I called my mom and said, "Hey, guess what! I got the job! I'm moving to Seattle." They didn't try to talk about it, didn't bat an eyelash. They knew that I had made up my mind and that was what I would do. So, 3 weeks later, they helped me load up my car and I hit the highway. Now, a year later, I want to get back to the KC area. They are being totally supportive while I look for jobs.

P.S. I am not going to move until I find a kick ass job, so if any of you know of good jobs in the KC area, please pass let me know! I do public relations, with specialization in the high tech industry/software (just what KC is famous for, eh? )

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

My mom is the queen of "don't ask, don't tell" parenting. So no, I don't still get parented from afar. I think once I made the point that I spent my last few months living with her grounded because I'd been on the computer a lot, and now I was getting paid a hell of a lot of money doing exactly the same thing, she decided to let me do my own thing. :) I often misunderstood her laissez-faire approach as neglect, or disinterest, but later I came to understand that she felt it was better for me to make my own decisions and learn from them, rather than get nagged constantly and still do my own thing anyway.

Consequently, I have terrible eating & sleeping habits, haven't been to a dentist in years, and still sleep with my teddy bear. :) But I'm happy, and so's she. Though sometimes I still here a mom voice in my head, saying "Did you brush your teeth today? Don't drink out of the milk carton. Brianna, why do you insist on leaving the bathroom towels like this? Hm?"

P.S. KC MO has a fairly decent tech industry, I've checked listings there a few times in the last three years. Check out Dice.com or one of the KC newpapers online.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

I love the "don't ask, don't tell" approach to parenting. The way I see it is that every bad thing I have done, my mom probably did when she was my age (c'mon now she was in college from ' 68- '72...I'm sure she didn't leave many stones unturned.)

Oh yeah...one more thing....I was so shy in high school/as a kid that my parents were proud of me when I started going to frat parties/keggers (of course I have always left out the gory details). I think my mom still gets a little tingle when I tell her I'm going to a bar or have to crash at a friends place because I drank too much to drive.

Yes....I am the spawn of Baby Boomers...Baby Boomers of German decent to be more accurate....

Brianna, Thanks for the advice. I haven't heard about dice.com, I'll have to check it out!

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

Sometimes, I feel like Wendy and I are my parents' mothers. My mom and dad sort of adopted Wendy, so she's a sister now, and the two of us are the grown-ups.

My parents are both in their late 50s, and things are getting weird. I guess my father doesn't need parenting (much), but my mom certainly does.

Since Mom retired a few years ago, her habits are getting a bit weird. She used to be a neat freak. Now her house is a mess (to the point that I dread ever going home, because I'm scared). Her smoking has increased to about three packs a day (easily), and she sits around watching TV all the time. She brags to me over the phone about how much weight she's losing. Wendy and I shudder to think about it, because both of us know that weight loss like that is unhealthy. But I can't make her see a doctor. She doesn't even have a Medicare card. She keeps telling me "Yes, dear, I'll go apply for it this week," but she never does. Not having a medicare card is a bad thing, because, she is not healthy.

She's getting wacky, too. She'll tell me the same story dozens of times, but each time she tells me, it's like the first time for her. And she exagerates. Example: Wendy is in the market for a new stove and fridge. So she tells us how she saw this place on TV (Channel 12) that reconditions appliances. The come with 3 year warranties, and the price: $50 each! Hell, *I* would buy a fridge and stove for $50 each! I don't even need them! She told Wendy about this a bunch of times.

Mom: Did you see that ad on Channel 12?

Wendy: I don't have cable. I don't get channel 12. You know that.

Mom: Well, I saw an ad for this place that sells reconditioned appliances--

Wendy: For 50 bucks. I know. You told me on Monday. I checked it out. It's more like $500 for a washer, drier, stove and fridge. I told you that, too.

Two days later, they'll have the same conversation. And then Mom will call me up and tell me about this great deal she saw on Channel 12...

Anyway, I'm getting scared for her. She's only 57. There's no reason for her do be getting senile. But her mother was mentally ill, so I'm wondering if my mother is following in my grandmother's footsteps? Her temper (which was always quick) has gotten worse, and she'd doing weird things.

The weirdest thing: She's started going to work with my dad.

Dad's a courrier, and he drives around all day. Wendy and I used to joke that the car could not leave our house without Mom being in the passenger seat. Now it's true. And I can't imagine that it's easy on my father, but he can't say not her anymore. I can see her: Sitting in the passenger seat, her elbow out the window, cigarette in her hand.

The worst part of watching my parents deteriorate (Dad is, too, but it's not as obvious as what's happening to Mom) is that I'm not actually there to see it and offer support. It's Wendy and my brother, who would rather have nothing to do with it. He keeps the blinders on and pretends he can't see what's going on. I live 3700 km away. And it scares me to think that they're getting old, and there's nothing I can do.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

To be honest my parents weren't very hard-core parenty till I did leave home. I was only 16 so I guess they had to feel like they were still in control. Or maybe I just didn't notice till I left home...

Seven years later, they've improved. They still want me to marry my boyfriend, but other than that any advice they give is ok. They're not real good at long-distance parenting, and I've lived away for so long that I feel more their equal than anything.

But anytime I go home I feel the apron strings wrapping around my neck...

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

Hey Pamie,

This has nothing to really do with the topic, just something that might be helpful. Next time you've got to close 16 windows to open a folder, if you don't want the other person to watch you close them all, hold down the windows key then press M. It'll close all your windows for you instantly. Of course, that's assuming you're on a windows computer and your keyboard has a windows key.

Chris

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

Wow!

Thanks, Chris! That is soooo cool.

There have been some very tense moments in my life that could very well have been prevented had I known about that.

My parents wish I lived in their backyard.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2000

I just moved back in with my mom two months ago. What was I thinking? I was coming off being laid off from a job where I was underworked and constantly threatened with termination because they were too cheap/stubborn to get me any help. (To give you an idea of how much I was doing, they've hired two people to replace me and are working on getting 2 more). My mom acts like I'm being this lazy bum,which I guess I am, but I'm making nearly as much at it as when I worked 12-20 hours a day, so why rush into the first crap job that comes along? I think she resents it, because she nags me about it quite often.

The weirdest incident so far involves the computer. When I arrived, my dad's computer was a mess -- there were five error screens and most things didn't run. After a day or two, it crashed beyond repair and I had to wipe it completely. I a week fixing it, so I could edit and send out resumes and, who am I kidding -- access my email and work on my sites.

My mother only uses the computer for her checking account and, before I wiped the drive, she assured me that her checking account was on a Zip disk, not the hard drive. Because she has no idea how these things work and I have no idea how Dad set everything up (he's little help, being dead and all). The first problem was that the program showed up as if it was installed, but when you launch it the first time, you have to put the CD in and install it. "I never had to do that before..." Then, the account didn't work the way she knew how to use it, so she went on a rampage about how it was HER computer and HER house, etc. and I'd broken it. Yes, I'm 28 and I was grounded from using the computer.

I'm back on the computer, but saving my pennies to get my own before the next time she decides to treat me like I'm 13.

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

Speaking as Swiss Extended Family Boomerang Person, I lived at home between hitches in the Air Force. My father glaring at me during supper caused me to reenlist. Later, when I found myself glaring at my sons, I realized I had turned into my father. Something I had vowed (hoped) never to do.

I moved in with my mother, after my father died, Owen and Blader akimbo. Brenda was surveying Big Cypress Swamp.

My mother didn't get on me too bad, but Brenda came out of the field lean and fit, from swinging a machete, and sharing a kitchen with my mother had her eating refined sugar in no time.

Ten years later we moved into a trailer behind Granny Brown (Brenda's mother) and Uncle Wayne. I was between jobs.

Ten years later, between jobs (we lost the house to the bank, during the defense drawdown, in which we were soldiers in the transition to a post-Cold War economy), it was back in the trailer. Granny Brown bothered Brenda more than me. I practiced mother-in-law avoidance.

You eat somebody's food, or accept their shelter, you obey their rules, has always been the way I looked at it. When I'm on my own, the long-distance parenting (read meddling) rolls off my back like water off a duck.

Of course, I'm 60 years old.

And I don't get too uppity. Because I could always need a place to crash again.

I'm about the age when I can start being a burden to my children.

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

mmph, I'm still at home, poor me. One more summer to go and I'll be free forever! Actually, being home isn't *that* bad, but I definitely like living on my own much better. My mother is very critical and constantly asks "Why are you wearing that?" "You're not going out looking like that, are you?" ad infinitum. She hounds me about my appearance, but other than that she pretty much leaves me alone. If I go out she really doesn't care where I go or what time I get back, as long as I call. My dad is much more relaxed. He lets me come and go. Although I do love my parents and I like being home so I can hang out with my dog, I like my parents a lot more when I'm 500 miles away from them. And in September I'll be 5000 miles away from them 'cause I'll be in London! Woohoo!

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

I don't live with my parents..but the first thing out of my mom's mouth when I go home is always "nice hair".

thanks mom

We also had a huge fight on the weekend when I was home because of my weight "you NEVER eat breakfast"

Mom, I haven't lived with you for 10 YEARS. No I didn't eat breakfast in high school. I do now.

And finally, I'm 29. And I still haven't told my mom that I smoke. I just don't when I'm around her. Or going to see her cause she'd smell it.

I am scared of that reaction if she ever finds out.

I am such a WOSS

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

My Mom simply does not have a mind of her own. She will be supportive and more supportive and then if one single person has a doubt she is instantly swayed by this. So I look at it like she means well in the beginning, but after she discusses my problems with her million friends and gets any negative response from them she takes their stance on it. I am so tired of it. Yeah, yeah she does it cause she loves me. Love me less please. I have learned of late to tell her less and less about my business because when I was going through the divorce the things I had already told her came back to haunt me. I guess that is the only way to deal with it. I don't want to hear it, so I just limit the information I give her. With my Dad it's totally different. He is supportive and positive to anything I say. If I told him that I just killed a family of four he'd say 'If you thought that was best I support you in your decision sweetie'.

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

Amen on the smoking thing. I'm 21, both my parents smoked for years, and I finally got a place of my own, but they still do not know that I smoke. I even go on vacation with them and stay away from smoking for up to a week, just so they don't find out. They'd have a huge hissy-fit.

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2000

I agree with Jack's comment about obeying the rules of the people who shelter you. I really do. And I am grateful that my parents love me, feed me, put a roof over my head... but is it so wrong to ask for an extension of this ridiculous twelve o'clock curfew every ONCE in a while? I'm not asking them to forget the rule entirely, though I think it is stupid; I just want to be able to stay out a little later to, like, go bowling with the guys, or see the late show of Chicken Run--Chicken Run, for the love of God!!--but even if I call home, explain exactly where I'll be right down to supplying the phone number, whom I'll be with, the number of minutes past midnight I will be home, it's still no go. My mother just frowns (or is it cackles? I can't tell over the phone.) at me and reminds me of The Time, Set In Stone, that I Must Be Home. Maybe I'm just being a brat here, but I'm nineteen and spend the school year on my own. Is it unreasonable to pine for some little shred of my customary freedom?

-- Anonymous, July 08, 2000

Haven't been grounded since . . . hmmm, since they sent me to that place with a few steel doors and a couple of big ol' guys between me and freedom. For awhile.

Ahem. That was 15.

Funny, they stopped after that little misunderstanding. Really. Instead of stressing about trying to control something they never could, they did (what I'm understanding to be) one of the hardest things any parent could- just stepped back and let me live my life. Completely.

Lo and behold, today, I don't think a boy could love his parents any more, either (okay, the dad takes some work, but that's just because he insists on going senile at 52). While I'm sure they wish I'd done a thousand things different with my life, I heary nary a nagging voice.

Moving out and taking complete responsibility for myself early did the trick, I think. Proximity and dependency can breed a lot of resentment on both sides, I think. Neither side appreciates how the other sees it. Of course, I think the fault lies on the child most of the time. Don't like it? Get the hell out. Best thing you can do for both of you. And no, they don't owe you shit.

I really believe that.

(okay, someone point me to this rose colored evaluation next time I go nuts when I visit my parents and my father says "that's because you don't eat enough vegetables." I'm a f(#$@#! vegetarian, Dad. Have been for years. Dunno what the hell else I'm gonna eat . . . (but see senility note, supra.)

-- Anonymous, July 08, 2000

My parents have lightened up over the years since I moved out to go to college, but they had a relapse last night. My boyfriend and I are considering moving in together, and in a fit of homesickness, I called my mother and asked her for her opinion. She immediately said that it was a bad idea and that I was to wait 6 months and "then we will discuss it". WE? I am 22 years old, and if I decide to move in with the man that I am planning on marrying, then by golly, I am going to do it. And without further discussion from my mother!

Just don't tell them, ok?

-- Anonymous, July 08, 2000

Yes! My mother still parents me even though i'm out on my own and have been for nearly two years. She makes me call her when I get in from work. She calls while I'm at work to make sure that I really am at work. If I don't call...I get a really horrible message on my voice mail. She makes my bank send her copies of my account statement. She calls and tells me to make sure that my clothes are clean before I go to work. She tries to tell me what I can and cannot do with my money. For example...she was against me using 45 dollars to go whitewater rafting because she wanted me to be at home so that if she wanted to talk to me she could. She told me that I couldn't cut my hair. So I cut it all off with the money she sent me for my birthday. My 20th birthday. I made sure to mail her a picture. She also isn't comfortable with me 'having a mind of my own'. And that's a direct quote. The woman threatened to take my car away from me if I didn't stop staying out after dark. Hells bells...I paid for the car an the insurance...what was she going to do? Drive 250 miles and wrestle me for them? Oh well...I'm resigned to the fact that no matter what I do, or where I go...mother is going to be around to spank me whenever i'm late with a bill...

-- Anonymous, July 08, 2000

My father was fairly strict in terms of curfews, etc. when I was a kid... if he said be home by midnight I'd damn well better not try coming in at 12:10... and then, to my utter astonishment, when I turned 16 he said no more cufews, I was old enough not to need them. And he meant it... oh, we still had a few clenched teeth discussions of school grades, etc. but for the most part once I was 16 I could make my own decisions and things worked the same for my younger brother when he turned 16.

I've always tried to be fairly loose with my kids in terms of curfews and restrictions... My daughter is 18 and just graduated from high school. I think while she was in high school she had later curfews than many of her friends... we'd ask where and with whom and then ask how late will you be and almost always whatever time she said we'd agree to (which would really annoy some of her friends who had to be home earlier)... now that she's graduated one night recently she asked what time her curfew would be and I told her that she didn't have one, all we ask is that she check in by phone so that we don't worry... [yeah, okay, so we'll worry anyway, but not quite as much] I had been at least as flexible with my oldest (who will be 32 this fall)... my concern is with my youngest, who just turned 15... he is not quite as responsible as his older brother and sister and I'm not quite sure just how much freedom he can handle...

But Pamie, parents will always worry... Jim

-- Anonymous, July 08, 2000

Shh! Ok, I just got back from a visit to my parents' house (following a harrowing week as a camp counselor) and my mother came back to Dallas with me to "help" me finish decorating my new apartment...hey...shut up...do you want her to hear you? Cut it out!

She is already on my very last remaining nerve and is obviously trying to kill me. She is, right now, at my apt., probably going through my stuff and...OH MY GOD...I am going to be so grounded if she opens the box under the...oh my god...

You guys, listen, if you don't hear from me for a while, I'll be back in touch when I get out of juvie. Lylas.

-- Anonymous, July 10, 2000

my parents were strict as hell with me until up to about 8th grade. that's when they took me aside, and told me, "you're old enough to make your own decisions now. we can't tell you what to do, we can only advise you if you ask us."

so, despite being one of the only asian families around, i was the only kid with no curfew in high school, whose parents didnt have problems when i wanted to go on roadtrips to humboldt or oregon. i guess i was kind of responsible in giving them a call and letting them know when i was coming home and such.

my mom is still a mom. and she's still right all the time. they still don't tell me what to do, but what they think still influences my decisions. they're hardcore catholic. if i told them i live in sin, i don't know what they'd say. i'm sure my mom has an inkling, but as long as she's still in denial, its all good.

my parents gave me structure growing up. then they gave me freedom. i hope i can do the same for my kids. of course, when i come home to visit, they still have my favorite foods prepared, tell me i'm too skinny or that i've gained weight, and ask me all sorts of parent questions, and try to feed me, but that's normal. it feels good to have someone care about you, even if it does get really annoying after the first "are you hungry?" "have you eaten yet?" "you don't eat enough". its their way of showing they care.

-- Anonymous, July 10, 2000

Yeah, it is our way of showing that we care.

This thread is fascinating reading for me. My step-son is 18, just graduated high school. When he was sixteen and lying to us constantly I realized we were being way too controlling with him so after some long talks, his Dad and I backed way off to give the poor guy some space.

I still want to know everything he is doing and thinking, nag him about brushing his teeth and getting enough sleep, buy him clothes, growl at him about his irresponsibility, congratulate him on his triumphs, hear about his girlfriends, but just about all I let come out of my mouth (without an indication that he wants to talk personally with me) is "Are you sure you've had enough to eat?"

I wish my mother had done the same for me. Sometimes I tell her about personal things like our family budget or something because it just makes her so happy to give me lots of advice about my life. She's 77 and I'm 42. You'd think she'd have given up giving me lectures on how much fruit and vegetables I need in my diet at this point in our lives, wouldn't you?

You'd be wrong. You kids have a looooong way to go. Hah.

-- Anonymous, July 10, 2000