i realy need help with this one, my children are now having to face the death of their great grandmother, she is very ill and is not expected to leave the hospital. i do not know how to explain this to them, we are planning on a visit today and i have told them what to expect {the oldest is 4 and the next one is 3 the twins are to younge to understand} the tubes and wires and all the noises. should i tell them more? should i start to bring up death? they have had pets die and we have buried them and said our prayers but never a person. it is a very hard time right now for me and i do not want to leave them out of it but i do not want to scare them. i realy hope some one can help me. my family is very small so once my grandmother passes it will be my mom and myself and my family, so as you can imagin we are very close. thanks for any advice. say a prayer please.

-- renee oneill (oneillsr@home.com), July 11, 2000

Answers

Death is a normal part of life and if you treat it like that, they will too. My daughters were 2 and 5 when their grandfather died. He'd had several strokes and was in a nursing home. He died a month before we were going to visit and the 5 yo felt cheated that she hadn't got to see him one more time. But she isn't mad or scared that he died. We said that sometimes people die when they get sick, especially very old people - not always, but sometimes. For awhile when one of us would get a cold, they'd ask if we were going to die. We just said no, we weren't that sick. They know Grandpa is in heaven and Grandma will join him when she dies and that he's happy with Jesus.

-- Deborah (ActuaryMom@hotmail.com), July 11, 2000.

I can only give you my opinion formed from experience and what I've read and been told. So, take it as that and hear from others and form your own opinion. However, I think you should be honest with them. Just explain it to them as best you can but be totally honest. You can't lie to them about death because tomorrow you could all be gone. Remember, tomorrow isn't promised to anyone. If you're Christian or whatever religion, explain it through that to them about afterlife. They're pretty young so they may not get it but you gotta' tell them how it is.

-- Joe Cole (jcole@apha.com), July 11, 2000.

I am so sorry that you have to go through all of this,especially with children, yet death is just another part of living isn't it?? You'd be surprised at how practical children are when the adults close to them give them correct information.Tubes, noises,strange environment indeed, however, if you take each item and explain what it is for,the kids will readily understand.Kids know death...look at flowers, animals,seasons.."there is a time to be born and a time to die"..OK, that's the way it is.,period..Grandmother is old and tired and fading and it is her time to die..it makes us very sad because we will not see her again in this life.If you beleive in heaven,etc, than your children will easily comprehend that this is also a beginning for Grandmother..a beautiful beginning.Whenever adults attempt to "sugar coat" death for kids, the effect is to make it more mysterious and downright scary..It's OK to say "I don't know"..kids do not expect us to have ALL the answers...we just feel we should ! It has been my experience in dealing with kids and death and dying that sometimes adults think kids are cold and unfeeling because they accept death so readily...kids are pragmatic if we will allow them to ask questions and allow ourselves to say "Don't know"...God bless..

-- Lesley (martchas@gateway.net), July 11, 2000.

Renee -- Please, please, please, do NOT leave you children out of this. For many years, it was thought that children shouldn't be allowed around death, and things were not discussed in front of them, such as the impending death of a loved one. Can you imagine the shock when Great Grandma is suddenly not there anymore? The fear that this could happen to them, as well, and the fear of the unknown are FAR worse than reality.

When my grandmother died when I was a child, I was not told. We lived some miles away from them, and only visited two or three times a year. The next time we went to visit, Grandma just wasn't there. It was probably the worst experience of my life. Children need the opportunity to grieve, as well, and in sheltering them from this it's like being told they don't have the right to grieve.

We are now facing my own mother's mortality -- she is suffering from breast cancer which has spread. There will be no cure, it's only a matter of time. My boys are six and four -- almost seven and five, and I have been VERY open with them. It has allowed them to get used to the idea, and to tell her all the wonderful things that they know they won't have forever to tell her. It has made for a closer relationship between them, despite the fact that we live a three-day drive away.

I know I'm rambling a bit here, but it is so important that you don't cut your children out of this natural learning process. And just as important, if your great grandmother is used to having them around, don't you think that they could be a comfort to her in her last days????

My prayers are with you and your family.

-- Tracy (trimmer@westzone.com), July 11, 2000.

I had a really difficult time, when my baby sister died, (the day before she was born). The best thing to do is put your trust in God and explain that He is in control. Talk about how God has given everyone a certain time to live and he has chosen to take her to Himself (provided she is His child). It will be a difficult time, but you will all be stronger as a result. I think that I have much more fortitude now. Also remind them that there is a purpose for everything God does and there is a reason that their Great Grandmother died and although you don't know, remember that God is in control. God bless you and your family.

-- Abigail F. (treeoflife@sws.nb.ca), July 11, 2000.

The following is how I have taught my children and it is something I heard once and stuck it in my "how to live memory". I have no tears for death, for it is as much a part of life as birth. From the day the doctor pulled me from my mother's womb, I have begun to die. Each minute I grow closer to the day the pain and toils of this world end. I have loved and I have been loved. This is the fate of every living thing. The tears we shed today for death are not for the dead-they are shed for our loss. Do not fear death--embrace it.

-- Joel Rosen (Joel681@webtv.net), July 11, 2000.

I agree with most of the above posts, tell the truth! It's obvious you are on that wave length, by bring the children to the hospital, to say we love you, goodbye. My own children, at the ages of 2 and 4 sat and 'chatted' with GreatGram at the end-I thought they wouldn't remember, but they do! Don't underestimate the power of love, God, or or own brains! When they were 10 or so, and I was losing my own father, they 'helped' him shave with an electric shaver, fetched him snacks and drinks; ever hour spent with him, prepared us for his death. It was a very, close, positive time-as strange as that sounds. Life=Birth, death, renewal. Too often, we shield our children and ourselves, from life.

-- Kathy (catfish@bestweb.net), July 11, 2000.

When my daughter was 12 her father was dying of cancer. We were divorced at the time but I took her to see her father 2 to 3 times during the week after school and on the weekends. At times she didn't want to go because she hurt to see her father like that. She is now 21 and expecting her first child. she told me a couple of months ago how importent that time was that she got to speed with her dad and what it meant to her that I had made her go to see him. So let your children be a part of this. It will mean very much to them when they are older. Sharon

-- sharon johnson (sharon@folklore.zzn.com), July 11, 2000.

if you can, and if you have such a belief, please explain the end of skin existence, and the soul/spirit lives forever. Every time we remember them.

-- Balm (forthe@soul.com), July 11, 2000.

My children were 6 and 8 when their grandfather died. He lived with us for 5 years before he died so they were very close to him. My oldest daughter is autistic and explaining things is difficult because you dont know what she understands. They went with me daily to the hospital, everything was explained. They knew he was very ill and could not talk to them. Both children were in the room when he died. He died very peacefully. We are Christians and we explained that Papa had gone to heaven and would one day see them again but we would not see him for awhile. They both went to the funeral and gravesite. It was difficult for Kim because she couldnt understand why papa wouldnt get up. She did in time seem to understand. She still points to the hospital and asks for him and we explain again. One day it just seemed to click. There was no fear for them. It was a natural thing for them. They are older now and understand better but neither has any negative effects of how we chose to handle it. God bless you and your family.

-- Susie Stretton (nightsong@beci.net), July 13, 2000.

Renee: My sympathy for you and your family. I know this is a tough one, having had to face it in our family a few times. I tell my children, grandchildren, and myself, when I'm feeling blue and missing someone who is no longer with us, that they are not gone in spirit, that as long as we keep them alive in our hearts and minds, they are not truly gone. I remind them of things that the departed loved one did, funny times we had with them, loving things to remember, etc. It helps to ease the pain, and to keep them in our thoughts. We sometimes have a birthday cake for someone on their birthday, even though they aren't here with us, and remember them, talking about things we appreciate about them, things we learned from them, etc. Good luck, and God bless. Jan

-- Jan in Colorado (Janice12@aol.com), July 16, 2000.

Renee,

My sympathy that you have to face this, but I hope this may help. When my grandfather passed away, my father explained to me how the generations all carry on and no one truly dies as long as the next generation lives. He also explained to me that it was more than blood, it was the laughing , crying , learning and loving. Dad ended his talk to me by telling me even though I felt sadness and tears, I should remember the happiness and laughter Grampa gave me and use the knowledge he gave me , then I would feel him right over my shoulder and maybe see him out of the corner of my eye. That was 25 years ago and to this day, there are times I can feel him in my heart and right over my shoulder. In closing I will suggest that you explain it to your children from your heart and not your mind, kids understand better about love than logic.

-- Jay Blair (jayblair678@yahoo.com), July 17, 2000.

I suggest above all tell the children the truth, that Great Grandmother has come to the end of her life. Allow them to express their feelings and listen to them. Explain to them that they can keep her in their hearts and celebrate the good memories they have of her.

-- Jeanne (jcd51@webtv.net), July 17, 2000.

Dont leave them out of the death. Its part of life as much as anything else. As for how to explain it, I think it would depend on how close they were to the great grandmother. If they were close then talk about all that they did or learned from the great grandmother. If she was not close to the kids then tell them about her.

-- Gary (gws@redbird.net), July 18, 2000.