Oh, I also need a banker, and a tax accountant. Just because I'm terrible at understanding my money and what i should do with it.

What do you need?

-- Anonymous, July 11, 2000

Answers

I need you, darlin'.

-- Anonymous, July 11, 2000

I need a sugar daddy. Someone with lots and lots of money and nothing better to do with it than buy me neat stuff like a new car and maybe a new place to live. He could also pay for all the editing on my friend Mike's film, and give us the money to make all the other stuff we want to make.

I need Trey Parker and Matt Stone to be my friends. They're hot pieces of comedic ass.

I need a personal trainer friend, too. And a doppelganger friend, who could go to work for me every day so I could have time to work out with my personal trainer. That would be great.

I need a different massage therapist friend. Mine's great, she's a massage therapy goddess. It's just that she keeps trying to buff my aura and it kinda freaks me out.

-- Anonymous, July 11, 2000

I need a masseuse (spelling?), an accountant, a chiropractor, a maid, a cook, a professional organizer, a hairdresser, a fashion consultant, and a seamstress. I can manage to be my own party planner - that's about it.

-- Anonymous, July 11, 2000

I need a motivator.

Someone to get me up in the morning instead of letting me hit the snooze button. Someone to make sure I don't fall asleep on my drive to work. Someone to stop me from surfing web till noon instead of working.

Someone to get me psyched for my workout, and then won't let me veg out afterwards. Someone to push me onto finishing my latest story. Someone to force me to practice clarinet till I master those damn eighth notes.

Someone to remind me that being out of underwear means that you need to wash it. Someone to point out that the bathtub is not, in fact, a home for fungal cultures. Someone to tell me that after you finish cooking, you really ought to put the dishes in the dishwasher, it's not like you actually have to wash them, for goodness' sake.

Wait - I don't need a friend - I need a mother.

-- Anonymous, July 11, 2000

Well, you pretty much convinced me that I need a personal trainer too.

-- Anonymous, July 11, 2000

If we take "employ" to mean "give work to", not "pay", I could easily employ an entire battalion of assistants: a special crew to organize 31 years of photos that have been randomly shoved in boxes and between the pages of outdated atlases; a team of orators to read aloud the hundreds of novels, plays, biographies, and monographs I've collected over the years because I'm a bibliophile, not an avid reader (they're not the same thing at all); and a mob of techies to write some CSS that'll stand up to every single extant version of Netscape and IE.

If I had to prioritize, though, I could probably make do with three aides-de-camp: one to walk my dogs and sweep up the 3.7 cubic yards of hair each sheds per day; one to cut cucumbers for my Louis Vuitton-inspired eyebags; and one to amuse my boyfriend by being so completely incompetent and afflicted by Southern neuroses that I come out smelling like a rose.

-- Anonymous, July 11, 2000

I need someone who lives in Austin to barter skills with me. A cook, house cleaner (!!), mechanic, massage therapist....

Only trouble is, I can't find anyone who needs a neurotic, guitar slingin', wanna-be compu-geek with not so reliable transportation.

Damn.

-- Anonymous, July 11, 2000

I need a friend with a really big-ass pickup truck who wouldn't mind my calling him/her at 9 in the morning on Saturday to help move all my stuff.

I also need a friend who's really really good at Trivial Pursuit, because none of my real friends will play it with me anymore.

Also a friend who's really good at making clothes (see the bridezilla thread).

-- Anonymous, July 11, 2000

I need a mechanic,a dentist, a plumber, and an electrician. I'd like to have them in my family, though, so they couldn't even think of charging me.

-- Anonymous, July 11, 2000

I need a guitar guy. One that lives in Dallas, please. Of all the music freaks I know, none of them play guitar and no one can set me up with one.

-- Anonymous, July 11, 2000

I need a lawyer. But you all probably guessed that already. :)

and, come to think of it, i need someone to pay the lawyer for me.

-- Anonymous, July 11, 2000

A veterinarian.

If it were a he, and he was good and my animals loved him...I'd marry him.

I wouldn't mind a pastry chef, either.

And, oh, a theatre producer.

-- Anonymous, July 11, 2000

I need someone who'll slap some sense into me when I'm about to do or say something I'll regret later. Someone who has a little beeper or alarm that goes off whenever I'm about to do something stupid, and can come and stop me before it's too late. I can only dream of the embarrassment it would spare me.

-- Anonymous, July 11, 2000

I need a Richard Simmons clone to get my lazy butt out of bed and out for my morning walk.

And maybe a plastic surgeon. No.... Anthony Robbins sort of person. Someone to inspire me, motivate me, and make me want to awaken the giant within and all that jazz.

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

ditto on all things said previously. i need someone to make me go to bed at nite. remind me what time i will have to wake up, take me by the hand and make me go to sleep. and watch to make sure i dont get up just to do "one last thing". i need someone who inspires me to write. havent had one of those in ages. a manwhore. not a sleazy one, just a cutesingleboy who is there mainly for the purposes of a fun romp, then he can go away. or make me breakfast. either way. someone to control my expenses. someone who wont yell at me for smoking. someone who shares my love of stupid movies. being a non- driver, i definitly need a chauffer. someone who makes money for me, so i can stay home and write and play with my son. someone positive, so whenever im done talking to my downer friends, i can call superpositiveguy and be happy... wow. im a needy grrl.

~*j*~

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

Dunno, but I think I need some hooker friends who can make eggnog.

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

Hmmm... I'll take one of everything already mentioned plus the excess jokey friends from Pamie please. And don't forget to throw in a friend for every country for when I get travelling too. Taa.

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

Since I'm already lucky enough to have a "free airline tickets" friend, I now need a friend with appartments in New York and Paris. A sugar daddy would rock, because then I could shop in both those cities. I need a friend with a high-up job at Moet et Chandon, cause I'm a big Dom Perignon fan, and what better to drink after a long day of shopping in Paris or New York with my sugar daddy?

I'd like a chiropractor. Someone I trust enough to crack my neck and spine. I used to have my ex-boss do it, but now I'm 2000 miles away.

And if I were in the market for a husband, this is my criteria : Red head, preferably a twin. He has to do dishes, and know the words to at least one Bad English song. The last two are the deal breakers. Know anyone?

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

A motivator has already been mentioned, but I definitely need one.

I need a personal therapist, but I'm actually in the process of getting one of those. ;)

You know those friends you have that make you feel better about yourself no matter how bad you suck and who knows just the right thing to say in every situation? Well, I need one of those friends- that-make-you-feel-better-about-yourself-no-matter-how-bad-you-suck- and-who-knows-just-the-right-thing-to-say-in-every-situation. Those are important.

That about does it. Mickey-D's can cook for me, Pledge can clean for me, and Lever 2000 can keep me smellin' nice. What else do you need?

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2000

I just plain need friends in LA!

I have a friend who is an AMAZING masseuse, and who has that Celebrity Magnent Mojo happ'nin' and can manage to meet people/get into shows... but she's in San Francisco. I know people who do web designs and graphics, but, well, they're in San Francisco and Connecticuit. I have friends who have amazing collections of Duran Duran stuff that I don't have and would love to see/photocopy/record, but they're in Philly. I have a friend who reads Tarot cards (I can read them too, but doing readings on oneself is nearly impossible) but she's in Atlanta. My fellow Lit. Snob friend is in New Orleans. My brother is a mechanic, but he's in Seattle. *sigh*

I also need friends in publishing/media. Well, to clarify, I need friends in my desired field of publishing/media; one is an assistant editor at Harcourt Brace, but of childrens' picture books, and one is a producer/animator of a TV show, but it's at Nickelodien. It'd be nice to have connections to something more... um... hip and adult.

I was going to say I needed the personal trainer/health and nutrition expert friend, but I could never be friends with someone who I'm depending on to push me to get into shape!

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000

I need one of those Victorian era governer/esses. You know, the ones you read about in those Jane Austen books that no self-respecting modern woman would ever admit to reading. The tutor would teach me a few extra languages so I can feel more educated, give me a smack every time I started to slouch (I do this a lot and it's made my back look like the hook of a coathanger), remind me of manners so that at the age 23 years old I would know how to deal with the middle aged egos-in-a-suit I have to endure at wine & cheese do's from time to time. Oh, and also,the tutor would recite good literature for the hell of it and make me oh-so-accomplished.

You: capable of being a learn`ed governer and speak/teach fluent Italian, Greek, Cantonese, French, and Swahili. Me: capable of giving *amazing* back rubs, foot rubs, hand massages, and facials complete with face, neck and head massage.

-- Anonymous, July 14, 2000