I'm hoping some of you can help .My husband is only 34 .His father has been gone for about 5 years and now his Mother has terminal liver cancer and about 2 months to live .We live 6 hours away from her .I think he is having allot of trouble because he is the youngest of 7 , and it is young to have both parents gone. I keep reasuring him that the kids and I aren't going any where .I was wondering if any of you have gone through this and what help the most ? I want to be there for him and make it as easy as possible .There just doesn't seem to be any right thing to do or say .Thanks for your help . Patty

-- Patty Gamble (fodfarms@slic.com), July 20, 2000

Answers

Interesting, my mother died of liver cancer (it had spread from colon) when I was 34. My dad had died when I was eleven and grandparents/aunt inbetween. Everybody is different and you just have to give him space to get used to it. I was only surviving child in my family, but it may be easier for him if he is close to at least one of his siblings. They can share the experience with him maybe more than you can since she is their mother too.

-- Hermit John (ozarkhermit@pleasedontspamme.com), July 20, 2000.

This can be a wake up call to some folks on this forum , her cancer too spread from her colon .It could have been 100% curable if only she had done the simply test her dr. gave her to take home [a small card to check for blood in the stool ] Hubby is not very close to his siblings as there is a big age difference and some other factors including are distance away .

-- Patty Gamble (fodfarms@slic.com), July 20, 2000.

my grandmother is very ill right now, maybe a couple of months. she is like a mom to me. i have been writing down how i feel and putting it away, it helps. the anger fads alittle , the joy is more powerful. i also am going through old pictures and finding the objects in them and putting them in my house, it brings her closer.

-- renee oneill (oneillsr@home.com), July 20, 2000.

There's really not much you can do. I hope he's Christian (my opinion. I'm not trying to convert anyone or start a religious discussion) It would be a little easier for him. It just takes time. Time heals. Let him talk to you, to his preacher and to his closest friends. Takes time.

-- Joe Cole (jcole@apha.com), July 20, 2000.

While you dont want to mask the fact that death is comming. Why not look at the life of the mother. What did she do? Raising 7 kids is indeed a chore. What did you husband learn from her? WHat doe he do in his everyday life that is a direct result of him being the way he is. Hopefully there are positive life expericences he and his mother shared.

My father died after a long bought with heart problems when I was in my early 30's. About 3 year after his death I was working on my truck changing a alternator and just started to cry. My dad showed me how to change an alternator when I was young. Not even thinking about him and he came back to me.

Even if the son and mother were not real close there should be some things that they shared.

-- Gary (gws@redbird.net), July 20, 2000.

On Sunday, we had just arrived home from church when we got a phone call. It was my Brother-in-law. He told me he had some bad news, and then proceded to tell me that my husband's first cousin had been shot and killed while working as a security guard. You know, my husband hardly ever cries, but he did about this. I held him while he cried and told him I loved him, and then promptly loaded up the van to drive to Fresno, two hours away. He didn't hardly talk, the rest of the day. This is typical for Joe, as he tends to be introverted. I asked him a few questions, but I tried to let him have his space. I kept the kids quiet, and talked to him when he felt like it. I think this is what I would do for him if he lost his mom. When my brother- in-law called, for a few moments that is who I thought he was calling about. Women tend to talk everything out, but men tend to turn more to the inside. We deal with grief differently, because we are different. With Joe, I try to resist the impulse to make him be like me. Later that night, when we got in bed, Joe told me thank you for all the support I'd given him that day. Sometimes actions speak louder than words. This is my advice. Do things for him. Men like the house kept neat, a hot meal, and someone to hold onto. For a man work says I love you. That is how they show their love to their family, and to their wives. Take care of his family. And above all, be quiet and listen. He will probably talk to you, if you quietly wait for him to. I hope this helps, it comes from the heart of a woman who loves her own husband very much.

Little Bit Farm

-- Little bit Farm (littlebit@calinet.com), July 20, 2000.

My husband and I wrote each of our parents a Tribute, framed it, and presented it at Christmas. Each Tribute recounted fond memories and thanks for the legacy that each parent taught to his/her children. My parents said it was the best gift they ever received and have them hanging proudly in the living room. My husband's parents loved theirs, too. Now if either of our parents should die, we feel we have said what we needed to say about how much we appreciate them. No regrets about "If only I had said..." to haunt us later. We got the idea from a book by Dennis Rainey called: The Tribute and the Promise. My sincere sympathy to you and your husband during this difficult time....

-- Liz Rhein (merhein@shentel.net), July 20, 2000.

When I was reading this thread my total thought was since he still had time, the important thing was to be sure to encourage him to talk to his mom about how he feels about her and how much he loves her, etc. (if appropriate for him) because that way you don't have the "If only I had told her" syndrome. But as I was thinking about it I was trying to think of ideas for how he could do it and when I got to Liz's comments I thought it was just perfect. Many years ago I had a dream that there was a newscast and it said that my mother had died. The dream was so real that the next morning I went to visit my mom and told her how much I love her and appreciate what she did for me in my life. We were not a demonstrative family although our parents showed that they loved us and saying this was difficult for me but it made me feel so much better and it opened the door for my mom and I to become closer. Luckily, both of my parents are still alive and well in their eighties but from the day I said that to my mom I knew that I would have no regrets about wishing I had told her how much I loved her if she were to die. It gives me peace of mind.

-- Colleen (pyramidgreatdanes@erols.com), July 20, 2000.

Hi Patty, 6 hours travel is nothing, compared to a lifetime. I'm not sure I understand your post. Encourage your husband to spend a weekend with his Mother. I would give- anything- to have have another hour, another minute-with my father.

-- Kathy (catfish@bestweb.net), July 20, 2000.

We travel as often as we can .We have 4 children and a farm and then there is my husbands work to consider .We can't just up and leave whenever , we have responsiblitys .Luckly we also have good neighbors who will take care of things when needed .His work is also very good , but he hasn't been there too long . As grownups the kids come first and that means food on the table and a roof over there heads .We as a family or him alone will continue to make the trips as often as possible [$100.00 in gas each time doesn't help either] I was just looking for a way to help him deal with it easier .I thank god haven't had to deal with allot of death .I wanted to know what might of help some of you folks deal with the loss.

-- Patty Gamble (fodfarms@slic.com), July 20, 2000.

Patty, First let me express my sympathy for all the sadness you are going through. I lost my mother to colon cancer which had spread to the liver and everywhere else in 1970. It still hurts to think about it. I would say to have your husband spend as much time with her as possible. then join a support group to help deal with the grief. Hospice provides counseling for this too. I just lost my #3 son last year to malignant melanoma, I had enough sense then to take off one day a week from work to spend with him. It was hard on the pocket book but helped both of us to be able to talk about it, while he was still alive. Tell him to tell her everything he wants and needs to say now, she really wants to hear it. karen

-- Karen Mauk (dairygoatmama@hotmail.com), July 21, 2000.

Patty:

I'd recommend trying to get him to talk about it as much as he is willing to in advance to try to get his feelings sorted out. Perhaps even encourage his opening a line of communications to his siblings on the subject.

My father died when I was in my early 30s in 1976. Lost mom last December when she was 86. Mom's wishes were to be cremated, which we did. Original option was for them to be shipped to me to be scattered on my farm as she came from a farming family. We eventually decided to have her ashes shipped to her hometown in Minn. where they are now interred between the graves of her parents.

I think it helped us all that we talked about the situation whenever we got together and were both prepared and resigned for the eventual death.

One suggestion is to try to make sure she has a Last Will and Testament, a Living Will which specifically spells our her desires and final arrangements have been made. Settling estates has probably torn more families apart as anything else.

-- Ken Scharabok (scharabo@aol.com), July 21, 2000.

Patty, This is hard for me to answer... I'm coming up on the 3 yr. anniversary of the death of my mother... We lost Daddy 1 yr. ago New Years' Eve. In the last 3 years, I've lost most of my family, aunts, uncles, almost all of them are gone.

We lost my mother in law 3 mos. after we were married, my husbands' little brother when I was pregnant with my 2nd baby. 2 nites after he called to tell us he'd be down for Labor Day weekend, we got a call that he'd been killed on his motorcycle. We adored him.

How do you handle it? You let HIM decide what he needs to get thru this. You sit down and ASK him, what is the best thing we can do while Mom is sick? Do you want us to go visit with you, do you want to go alone? Spencer would get quiet and that meant he wanted left alone. Me, I needed held, I'd wake up in the middle of the nite crying or upon waking up, realize it wasn't a nightmare, Daddy was really dead, and burst into tears. And I kept REAL busy for 2 wks. not wanting to stop and think about it. Then, one day, I went to bed for 1 week. I just couldn't get up. I had a dream and in it Daddy said, "There's no sense in this grieving. Life is to be lived. You're living and life goes on. You'd better get up and learn to live. And get over it." He'd said the same thing when I cried for Mommy.

There's no ideal age to lose your parents. They are your Mommy and Daddy. Whether you're 20 or 60. Each person has different needs to go thru grief. Find out what your husbands' is.

You know, Daddy was fine. We knew he had a heart condition that he could go any minute or live for 20 more years. We spent Christmas with him, and had a blast. When we were leaving, of course all the kids kissed him and told him they loved him, (they ADORED him!) I always kissed him hello and goodbye. I can remember that nite like last nite. He had the most beautiful aqua eyes with wrinkles around them, laughing wrinkles. I kissed him and said, "I love you, Daddy." And he was looking in my eyes and said, "Love you, too, Baby." Then, Spencer, laughing, kissed him on his cheek and said, "Love you, Daddy." And, Daddy was laughing, we all were, because Spencer only kissed him once or twice a year, and they always laughed, but we knew they meant it. That was the last time we saw him alive, he went to bed on New Years' Eve and died in his sleep.

With every person I love, when I say goodbye, I say it like it's the last time I'll see them, because you just don't know... (Sorry this is kind of depressing...)

-- Louise Whitley (whitley@terraworld.net), July 21, 2000.