FEDEX GUY
What is in this package going to Panama?

HERBERT
I don't know.

FEDEX GUY
There needs to be something on the description line for Customs.

OTHER FEDEX GUY
Yeah, they like to know what it is so they know if it's worth stealing or not.

ME
They should put "Big hunk of cancerous tissue" on the description line, that'd keep them away from it and it would probably be true!

-- Kymm Zuckert (hedgehog@hedgehog.net), July 20, 2000

Answers

Anybody else have any good conversations to report?

-- Kymm Zuckert (hedgehog@hedgehog.net), July 20, 2000.

ME (asking Paula about her day when she came to pick me up at the office after work)

How was your day? Did you have fun?

(noticing the colour on her face)

...in the sun?

(thinking of the next rhyme)

...Hon?

PAULA (thinking on her feet)

Some.

Well, we both got a laugh out of it.

Says Paula: It's that end-of-the-day sort of humour. When you're just punchy enough for something like that to be funny.

Michael & Paula

-- Michael (mwalsh@lynx.neu.edu), July 20, 2000.

ACK! No conversation now Kymm, the plumbing under the sink is broke, the washer is spewing water all over the laundry room, when I ask the hubby what broke, he says the plumbing! I say, no, what broke on the plumbing? He says a plumbing part! I want to pull out my hair, but my head hurts! My son just returned from two weeks in Cancun with stinky wet dirty laundry which I refuse to touch! He can take it to the laundromat tomorrow! I would take another bubble bath but I just did and I think it backed up into the laundry room when I let it out, or someone put too much soap in the washer just before the plumbing part broke! I have had enough, I am going to bed and I am not coming out of my room until the world gets everything back in place! Every thing is falling apart! Gabby

-- (gabbydink@webtv.net), July 21, 2000.

The players: The Spider Monkey, aged 6, and myself. . . old enough to know better, young enough to get away with it. THE SPIDER MONKEY
You know what I would take with me, if I got to be on Survivor?

ME
No, what?

THE SPIDER MONKEY
Soy sauce!!

Okay, maybe it's just me. :)

-- Saundra (headspace@anywherebeyond.com), July 21, 2000.

My mama always said, if you open it, close it. Begone, evil bad Center tag!

-- Saundra (headspace@anywherebeyond.com), July 21, 2000.

Well, this isn't exactly like Fun in Shipping, or whatever, but I've been working in a Borders bookstore for the past 10 months, and lots of customers come in to send packages to jails and prisons, because some of those places will only accept packages mailed from businesses.

Except, no kidding, what these mothers and girlfriends usually select, under orders from the Detainee, are John Grisham novels, Anne Rice novels or true-crime books about, like, Ted Bundy or other weird shit. It's very scary. I mean, they've got all this time on their hands, couldn't they learn Spanish or something? And what's up with the Grisham? Do they think they can read a couple, and then fashion their own appeal?

Gee, that wasn't funny at all. I'll try harder next time. I'm just so glad you're still alive, Kymm.

Heather you-know-where

-- Heather Near Atlanta (BeauMc1956@aol.com), July 21, 2000.

At my "review" yesterday: WEENIEBOSS
So, do you have any questions about our new website project?

PATRICK
Who did you have in mind for the webmaster?

WEENIEBOSS
Um. Well. Uh.

PATRICK
We're planning on rolling out a website in the next couple of weeks, right? You do have someone in mind to run it, don't you?

WEENIEBOSS
We were thinking that maybe we wouldn't need... A. Um. Webmaster.

PATRICK
Oh. So who'll do the site updates and fix the bugs and deal with the server and all that?

WEENIEBOSS
We haven't ironed that out yet. Are you interested in pursuing that position, if we decide it's necessary?

PATRICK
I'll get back to you on that.

-- Patrick (xingcat@yahoo.com), July 21, 2000.

Every job interviewer I've ever met: "So, what do you want to be doing five years from now?"

Me, thinking: "A. Oh, this job! This very job, yes, sir! Without a doubt, this is the job for me for life! B. Your job. C. How the heck should I know? I'm a computer professional, so I've never done the same thing for more than a year and a half in my life."

-- Colin (ethilrist@prodigy.net), July 21, 2000.

First off, the shipping conversation reminded me of the locked drop-box outside my old doctor's office. To prevent theft, it read NO DRUGS OR MONEY INSIDE: TISSUE AND URINE SAMPLES ONLY. I bet that cut down on padlock replacements, but it was unpleasant having to walk past a box of urine every time I had an appointment.

Yesterday driving back from Lynnwood along Aurora, I was understandably startled (as I cruised down the road at about 45 mph) to hear a voice at my left shoulder holler PARDON ME! It was a tousled guy in the passenger seat of a red van who had zipped up beside me and was now pacing me in order to get directions to Bellevue. I told him to keep going south until he hit the 104 junction, take 104 to 5 and 5 to 520. Then as they pulled away, I started to get concerned that he'd get on westbound 104 and end up in Edmonds, so I darted in front of the van, stuck my hand out my sunroof, and pointed forward (Keep going, don't turn right) as we drove by the westbound turnoff, then flipped my hand around to point right at the eastbound. The last thing I heard from the van was "Thank YOUUUUUU," Dopplering down the scale as they curved down the onramp.

They say men won't ask for directions, but maybe what they really hate is just getting out of the car for five damn minutes.

-- Kim Rollins (kimrollins@yahoo.com), July 21, 2000.

You have to have read the book to get it, but I had this discussion today:

FRIEND Have you ever read Johnny Got His Gun?

ME Dalton Trumbo. Yup.

FRIEND I'd like to see the movie.

-- Jenn (elphaba@diaryland.com), July 26, 2000.

I haven't read the book, but I have seen the movie, so I get it! It is, to put it mildly, an extremely weird movie.

-- Kymm Zuckert (kymmz1@yahoo.com), July 26, 2000.

I can't even imagine.

-- Jenn (elphaba@diaryland.com), July 26, 2000.