Hey country neighbors! I just had a brainstorm of a question that was just MADE for the Forum! We are in the process of buying my husband's family's old farmhouse and we go up there fairly often to "this's & thats" in preparation for when we move. The problem is his young cousins, ages 13 & 15. The 15 yr old is actually on his way to becoming a fine young man; he's a great help to his grandad, actually his ONLY help. The 13 yr old is a pest. We drive 200 miles to go up and work and can't get a darn thing done because this kid is hanging around "helping", constantly asking questions... making it to where we only get about a third done of what we'd planned. He's verbally vulgar, he chews tobacco & spits A LOT, constantly rifling through our food and stuff that we bring, he nearly ran over my husband's dog by pulling into the driveway at a high rate of speed (yes, he drives). When Chris got angry at him for that, he jumped out of the truck and proceded to try and kick some 40-year old butt! Last time we were up there, he was "burning out" a nest of mice on the side of the house!

Question: What can we DO about this kid???? We've tried treating him like an adult, explaining the situation (that we don't have a lot of time, need to work, etc..). We've tried bribes, but that only goes so far and it doesn't teach him anything. I don't feel like I should have to raise this kid, but I also feel like I don't want our farmhouse mysteriously burned down or our animals killed someday. His family situation is somewhat awkward. His dad's a paraplegic and his mom's really got her hands full taking care of dad & the littlest child. I don't feel like he's actually being raised... just hatched & set free. Is it time to treat him like a child and go and tell his mommy? This poor kid has self-esteem problems and I think could be teetering on the verge of delinquency. Has anyone had any similar situations? Thanks for any suggestions. debra in nm

-- debra in nm (dhaden@nmtr.unm.edu), October 29, 2000

Answers

First, go have a long talk to his parents, tell them exactly what your'e worried about, exactly what he has done so far that is putting your property and animals at risk, and exactly about his lack of respect of authority, meaning your husband. Do not make less of anything, but say what you mean, them being family or not. Then tell them politely, but firmly, that he is not welcome at your house with out being invited there. Then tell the boy, privately if possible, because is ego right now is part of the problem, the same things you told his parents. The first time he violates this, tell him firmly to leave, if he does not, call his parents and see if they can get him to leave, if not, tell the boy you are calling the sheriff to get him to leave. If he does not, call the sheriff, explaining the situation to them, and have it on record about this matter, in case something bad does happen in the future. It sounds as if the boy would only benefit from realizing that he is not in charge all the time, and that sometimes you must respect authority. Better to learn now than at 16 or 17, for it just becomes harder and harder. If the family gets mad about, so be it, if they truely understood what was going on they would most likely do the same thing. I have two brothers-in-law that won't talk to me because of a similar type problem, but the alternative was keeping my mouth shut about something that was important, and with me, that is impossible. Good luck, Annie in SE OH.

-- Annie Miller (annie@1st.net), October 29, 2000.

Your not going to get anywhere if the family can't control him. The explanation of his father being a paraplegic shouldn't bear as much as some people would think. My father suffered a broken back and neck 9 years before I was born, as a paraplegic, he still raised 4 sons without any of us getting out of line. I was asked once "Whats it like having a father in a wheelchair?". My only response was "Like having a father." Until his family can get a handle on him, you can only treat him as you would any other threat. If he comes out trying to "kick some 40 year old butt", defend yourself and utilize that 27 years of wisdom on your side.

-- Jay Blair (jayblair678@yahoo.com), October 29, 2000.

Simply refuse to take the younger along with you. He is not your problem.

-- Ken S. in WC TN (scharabo@aol.com), October 29, 2000.

I believe this young boy is looking for some help and direction. While he's not your son and you shouldn't have to raise him, how about trying to show him a little respect--after of course he's earned it--this means you need to talk to him, possibly again and again (has anyone EVER made him mind?). This can be very difficult, but this is where we separate the kids from the adults. Many of these kids feel that they aren't respected, and they aren't, but they have never been taught how to respect others or their property. You can take the time to help and teach this kid, or you can accept years of abuse and trouble from this kid because nobody was willing (even though it's his parents responsibility) to help this kid and make him accountable. On top of all that, he is a middle child. His older brother (as you've stated) is probably the "golden" child in the family. He pfobably feels he will never live up to his brothers example, so why even try. He'll make people remember him for other reasons--these type of kids don't go "bad" on purpose, they just want to be noticed for themselves and their own accomplishments. It can get very tiring always being compared to someone else and feeling like you can never live up to others' expectations. He's not the first boy, so he doesn't get the same sort of attention as his older brother, and you didn't say if the younger child is a boy or a girl, but it sounds as if the child is much younger, so it doesn't matter. All the attention is being spent on the "baby". I'm not saying all this makes it okay for this boy to behave the way he does, or that this is exactly the problem at his home, but just try putting yourself in a situation with these circumstances and think about how you would feel. This young man can be helped. I hope someone takes the time and energy that his own family isn't able to right now. Amber

-- Amber (mikeandamberq@hotmail.com), October 29, 2000.

The Boy sounds to me that he is seeking attention. I hope you find the time to give him some positive direction. He needs lots of praise, you may have to look hard at first to find something to praise him about but after a while he should (lets hope) start doing positive things to get that praise. Give him a pat on the back and a verbal praise it will help his self esteem. A little LOVE can go a long way. Good Luck!!

-- Mark (deadgoatman@webtv.net), October 29, 2000.

I agree that the boy is seeking attention. To some, negative attention is better than none at all. Having 3 teenagers, I have experienced the 'look at me!' from all of them at one point or another, thankfully not to the degree you describe, but diversion always worked. It's the old idle hands story-he's bored! Feels helpless, or useless-or both! Could you, with close supervision, engage him in a project? I know you're busy, and what I am suggesting won't be easy, if it works at all. Good luck to you!

-- Kathy (catfish@bestweb.net), October 30, 2000.

Teetering??? He's just about there. More like a wild animal.Raise that boy yourself, when he's at your house.What he does else where, you can't control but...your house, your rules.Don't be hateful, but don't cottle him either.

I had a stepnephew that had started heading down the wrong road, due to previous poor raising. My brother had his hands full with him.But,he and our family simply did not tolerate poor behavior from the boys, including him, and he wised up some,pretty quick.We didn't take a bunch of excuses for him or from him.Period.Yeah,I know this isn't the modern way. But, he's a far better person for it now that he's grown, and now appreciates my brother for teaching him right.

They only live UP to your expectations.Best advice we ever got came from a psycologist who'd worked with really troubled kids. He said don't let them take control.You are the adult, He is the child. It is not an equal relationship, yet. Someday, when they grow up, it get close to equal, but not now.I never could figure why someone would have a problem understanding that.

It's not easy and we all make mistakes,LOT'S of them, but that's what raising kids is. Do the best you know how. Esp. put him to work. Next time he tries to kick butt, oblige him, and kick back.

-- sharon wt (wildflower@ekyol.com), October 31, 2000.

Hi, again. Thanks so much, everyone, for all the input!

Well, Jay, I need to get back to you about that wheelchair thing. His dad's being in a wheelchair doesn't make him a poor father. The fact that he's an idiot and was a drunk behind the wheel does. Also, that incident never seemed to give him the "BIG A-HA!" that you would think it would. He still drinks, he still drives! I wish I could say my impression of him is of a wonderful soul who got his second chance at life and who loves and dotes on all his children, but it isn't. 'Nuff said about that.

I never wanted children. I knew that when I was a kid, playing horses or cowboys, not dollies. Which is what brought me to the Forum for answers... I really don't have any experience in this stuff. This kid lives down the road, so there's no getting away from him. Truth is, he sees us as someone new in the area and I think he kind of respects us because we don't yell at him (except for the dog incident, which was warranted).

Yes, I can see us being a kind of mentor for him... and I'd really like to have a positive influence on this kid. He does have potential and I feel he's on the cusp of making those major life- changing decisions between childhood & manhood. But I don't want to raise him. And truthfully, he's not the brightest tack in the box, more like a hyper puppy and probably would be diagnosed as ADD. So, I'm going to treat him like a puppy... and when I say 'no', I mean it. No second chances, no grey areas. I don't pull any punches or have tricks up my sleeve with horses or dogs... and it works, so, why should I do that with a child? In his present mental capacity, it's the same. My personal opinion (as a non-parent, remember) is that kids need to know the black & white of every situation, and too many nowadays don't. Yes, next trip, we are also going to have a little talk with his parents (who need to be actively 'parenting', by the way, in my un-asked-for opinion... not just yelling at him), and tell them he's welcome to come over, but when we're busy he needs to go home.

Well, that's my 2cents for now. Any other comments and suggestions are certainly welcome as I have a lot to learn. You all obviously have a lot more patience, and experience, than I! dh in nm

-- debra in nm (dhaden@nmtr.unm.edu), November 03, 2000.

Hi Debra, You have a real problem there. Assuming the kid can read, and gearing this to his ability to read and under stand, I would write up a contract. Make it look pretty impressive. Try to be positive in the wording and list all that you would like him to do while on YOUR property. The length of each visit, where to park (like not on your hubby) what to touch and what is definately OFF LIMITS etc. etc. Next time there, tell him he has to read it and after he does, he must sign it and so do you while he is watching. He gets a copy, you keep one close by. You will be bringing this contract out quite a lot at first but he will catch on and he learns a little responsibility along the way. Good luck with your new homestead. Maureen

-- Maureen Stevenson (maureen@mtaonline.net), November 03, 2000.

I've always considered kids and dogs and horses to be about the same as well, and that's not a putdown of kids at all but a compliment.I happen to LOVE dogs and horses, And find them very intelligent..Well of varying degrees depending on the dog,just like kids..I always thought people should first raise a dog or two, well, before having kids,frankly, to see if they have the right temperment.

I think you're on the right track.Including the parenting problem.No big surprise.

Yes,you will have to put up with this boy,anyway,and without direction, he will just get older and worse, til he is a social menace like my one neighbor.So do what you can and have the patience for.Be fair, but be firm, just like you are with your animals.If you do get thru to him, he will thank you for it down the road.

-- sharon wt (wildflower@ekyol.com), November 03, 2000.

God, I hope so. dh in nm

-- debra in nm (dhaden@nmtr.unm.edu), November 06, 2000.