Someone sent this to me today, I thought it really brought back Thanksgiving memories. ( Or more likely a vision of Thanksgiving future ) LOL!

A Change in Plans

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes: Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect. Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea. The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas. Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey. We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying. We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door. Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat. I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread. Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of you diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains. Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice among 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it. Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either. I am thankful.

By: Barbara A. Tyler (as Printed in Today's Woman, November 2000)

-- Bonnie (josabo1@juno.com), November 07, 2000

Answers

Thanks Bonnie. My sons and I had a good laugh with this one. I have been downsizing our meal, so to speak for a few years now. While keeping the important traditions, I have made it much easier on the hostess, me.

-- Cheryl (bramblecottage@hotmail.com), November 07, 2000.

Thanks Bonnie. This made me realize how the best thanksgiving memories originate. ronda

-- ronda (thejohnsons@localaccess.com), November 07, 2000.

Loved it. Gerbil

-- Gerbil (ima_gerbil@hotmail.com), November 07, 2000.

Kinda sounds like the dinner at our house this year....it'll be the first time on my own!!!! THANKS for the chuckle!!!!

-- Leann Banta (thelionandlamb@hotmail.com), November 07, 2000.

Loved it, Loved it, Loved it, LOL Nothing ever turns out as I try to plan it anyway.

-- Carol in Tx (cwaldrop@peoplescom.net), November 07, 2000.

This was greeat, thanks for posting it.

-- kathy h (saddlebronc@msn.com), November 07, 2000.

Sure hope I can type this, there's tears streaming down ma face! Hubby and I are laughing so hard we couldn't hear the phone ringing! Sounds like our house! God bless you Bonnie for posting this & bless Barbara A. Tyler for writing it!!!

-- Phyllis (almostafarm@yahoo.com), November 09, 2000.

Barbara Tyler must have sneaked a peek at our house...Sure sounds like the usual goings on around here! Thanks for posting it, Bonnie, I need a laugh around Thanksgiving, when I am stressed out! Jan

-- Jan in Colorado (Janice12@aol.com), November 13, 2000.

Bonnie,

I only recently escaped from Martha's clutches. I was a charter subscriber to her "Living' magazine for ten years. I could only look at the magazine and know I would never be featured - I in my rather modest vinyl siding house out in the sticks. I bought her "Gardening" book and waited for my garden to develop. I just knew I would be inspired. My first book was "Entertaining". I think I did a couple of recipes, but I couldn't get the clarified butter and all the special stuff you just had to have or it wouldn't be perfect. Well, I've realistically assessed my lifestyle and my energies as well as my true innermost desires. I've decided I'm tired. I'm getting sort of old to waste much time on tiny beaded hummingbird ornaments and making my own wrapping paper and I don't want to be Martha Stewart. She travels in a different sphere than I want to. Her crowd is, in a word, snobby. The way they do everything is, in a word, perfect - not to mention EXHAUSTING! I don't desire to be perfect. If no one likes me for that - Good! I don't have time or energy.

And besides, she featured a fund-raiser (I suppose for legal defense) for Clinton in her magazine that I had been a charter subscriber to for ten years. I was a Republican and that was one case in which Martha should have used some discretion.

Wanda

-- Wanda King (wanda7@edge.net), November 13, 2000.