My husband is active in a local civic organization. The members have all chipped in a goodly amount of $ to contribute to one family's Christmas, as the family had been suggested as being truly needy by the local food bank. One of the members chatted with the dad, and the dad gave a couple of ideas for gifts for their kids. He declined wanting anything for himself or for his wife. The impression given was that the family was pretty proud and uncomfortable about being the object of charity. I understand that part.

Given that the civic group is proceding with the donations (as a matter of fact, I am doing the purchasing: gifts, plus grocery store gift certificates in smaller denominations), I would love to hear ideas from anyone about how to approach the family with the gifts. Should they just give them the gifts, and be done with it? Or should some explanation be made for the generosity? i.e.: we want to help; here's some grocery store certificates, hand them out to others if you don't need them, or????? Say nothing but Merry Christmas?

I think I would personally be grateful if someone did this for us if we ever needed it, but can any of you speak to the execution of this gift delivery? I guess maybe I am being overly (?) concerned about the saving face/dignity stuff...??

Your thoughts? Thanks.

-- sheepish (rborgo@gte.net), December 19, 2000

Answers

sheepish

Wrap the presents and deliver them. Tell the kids Santa sent you as he was running a little behind. As for the Dad get him and the missus something if just a pair of gloves. Nobody nomatter how proud wants to be totally left out. We did this for a family last year. It was a little bumpy but the Santa thing got them in the spirit. We also delivered them a supper. Told the kids Santa didn't want their mom to have to cook, after all he'd tried her cookies. They laughed.

Theres an old saying "gifts and desert are insults if there is no meal" (Rough translation from old celtic)

Good luck and Merry Christmas.

-- Kenneth in N.C. (wizardsplace13@hotmail.com), December 19, 2000.

Maybe ask the dad how he wants it handled? Maybe the kindest gift to him would be to have him be able to give it to his children? Having been there, I know that is one of the hardest things of all. Having nothing to give to your children. diane in michigan

-- diane (gardiacaprines@yahoo.com), December 19, 2000.

Been there, done that (on the receiving end). About 15 years ago, I was in that position. Gifts to the parents aren't really necessary, but of course, any little item is appreciated, gloves, bath oil, etc., some little thing that's at least a little personal. But again, not terribly important. The 2 big things are gifts for the kids, and FOOD. I would suggest giving the gifts discreetly to the parents either wrapped and temporarily labeled as to what's in them so the parents can re-label and give them to the kids themselves, or leave them unwrapped but include some gift paper, tape, etc. But let the parents give them. Then either give a gift certificate to the local grocery store, and/or show up the day before Christmas with a box containing the makings for a Christmas dinner. Pride or not, you have no idea what this will mean to these people. I don't think there is any feeling worse being a parent and being empty handed Christmas morning. Just show up at their door, hand them the stuff, and wish them a Merry Christmas. And God bless you for lending a helping hand.

-- Lenette (kigervixen@webtv.net), December 19, 2000.

I would give the presents to the parents a day or so before Christmas and let them place them under the tree Christmas morning. Most families have their own Holiday traditions and I think helping them maintain them is important. One or two small inexpencive gifts for Mom & Dad would be nice, then the Children will be excited that Santa remembered Mom & Dad. I like the idea of giving the grocery store gift certificates in smaller denominations so they may save a couple for later. Let them use the certificates to buy their own Christmas dinner. Cooking Christmas Dinner might help Mom & Dad with their spirits when they are at a low point in life. A few homemade deserts would be nice touch though. I am glad the Christmas spirit is alive and well in your community!

-- Mark in NC Fla (deadgoatman@webtv.net), December 19, 2000.

Sheepish------one year we had nothing----I was sick & hubby had been in an accident---we had to pool our pennies together to get money to drive into the nearest large town & help serve hot meals to the homeless & when we had fed them /WE GOT TO EAT!!!!!!!! Our kids & us got a nice meal we would not have had other wise!!!!

Well when we returned home there was a car drove into our drive way & this man started unloading sacks of food /some church (not our own church) had chossen us to help-----Sheepish, I have no idea what that man said to us----------CAUSE I WAS CRYING & HUGGING HIM!!!!!!!!!

WE HAD ALWAYS BEEN THE ONES TO HELP OTHERS & NEVER HAD ASKED OR EXPECTED HELP FROM ANYONE ELSE!!!! Let me tell you----it really won't matter what is said-----cause they probably won't remember what is said to them!!!!!!!

The guy who delivered our food to us----always watched me funny after that as I think he thought I would start hugging on him again & PRAISEING JESUS!!!!!!!!!!! ha

I think the less said & more love shown is best!!!!!!! Sonda in Ks.

(ps we had always helped everyone else----& it is hard accepting help from others when you have always been the GIVER!!!!!! But God taught us to be cheerful ACCEPTERS that year!!!)

-- Sonda (sgbruce@birch.net), December 19, 2000.

Sheepesh: I used to belong to a goup that went to rest homes for Christmas. Small gifts, songs, and such. One year a old lady pulled me over and just chewed me out!!! She asked why we only showed up once a year! She said she thought we only came so we could go out and act wonderful and puff our selves up for another year!! I never forgot what she said because that was exactly right! So I would say give the gifts to the father so he can give them out. All the givers egos should be left out. This is not an statement about you or your hubby. I know how kind you are. I've been reading your posts for a long time!!....Kirk

-- Kirk Davis (kirkay@yahoo.com), December 20, 2000.

Sheepish, I don't know if it's possible now or not. But, when I was a kid I remember one Christmas we came home from school and there was two huge boxes of stuff on our porch. Some stuff was wrapped and lots of food and candy! Oh man! Mom came home shortly after us and we were all so happy.There were eight kids still at home then and man were we ever poor. You know there was a card that said Merry Christmas, love Jesus.That's all there was to it. I still remember that Christmas. It was the first time I ever had a coke or chocolate.And I got a chatty Cathy doll.Lost that doll in a fire 8 years ago.But never the mmemory of that Christmas.

-- Bonnie (josabo1@juno.com), December 20, 2000.

Kirk, exactly my point, too. I am trying to circumvent any perceptions of ego stuff. I can honestly say that I don't think that either of the two giving guys would want to come across that way, nor would I, and I am dancing around the recipient's ego as well. That's why I posted this question.

Most importantly, I want the family to have a nice Christmas, and who cares about us??? We will anyway. I do know that some folks like to get all puffed up about their giving. This local civic organization does a lot of its work anonymously, but in this case there was a face- to-face exchange. So, more sensitivity required I guess.

Thank you for all your suggestions.

-- sheepish (rborgo@gte.net), December 20, 2000.

The best approach (from experience) is the "drop it on thew step and run". When done this way the recipient is surprised and grateful but has no negatives about being down etc since there is no one to feel embarrased about.Charity and caring arent good if they lower the recipients pride. Anonymous (sp?)gifts are best I think IMHO.

-- Buzz Shinn (shinnbuzz@worldnet.att.net), December 26, 2000.

Thanks for all your input. The recipients were stunned, I guess, according to my husband. Everything went well, and I thank you again for your thoughtful suggestions. Hope you all had a good Christmas!

-- sheepish (rborgo@gte.net), December 26, 2000.

Our 4-H club use to adopt a family for the Holidays. We would put together a large basket of food, toilettries, games (without batteries), hair bows and the like. One year the club leader insisted on the members delivering the basket in person. I suggested the drop and run approach. We live in a small community and was afraid someone would be recognized and embarressed. As it turned out the club leaders daughter knew one of the boys, from school. He was beyond embaressed and the daughter didn't know what to do when she saw him at school. She was stunned to find out that there were needy people in our area. Charity to others is a wonderful Christian thing, but anonymous charity on all sides is e

-- Jennifer (schwabauer@aol.com), December 26, 2000.