Y2K SURVIVORS DEVOLVE AHEAD OF
SCHEDULE
SOMEWHERE IN IDAHO (SatireWire.com) — In these dark days before the year 2000, residents of Idaho's Hideaway Farms survival community are not sitting idle as they wait for the world's computer systems to fail and humanity to quickly follow.
Prospective survivors are learning not only to grow their own food and stalk wild animals, but to detect fear and weakness in an enemy through sense of smell, and even eat their young.
"We're not actually eating our young, of course," said Jake Strangan, 38, a computer programmer and father of two who moved to Hideaway Farms from San Francisco in April. "We're practicing on dolls for now."
Hideaway Farms is one of an estimated 4,000 Y2K survival communities across North America. Its 5,000 residents, who live in mobile homes, recreational vehicles and single family homes, believe their willingness to voluntarily devolve puts them ahead of other survivalists, many of whom plan to devolve on an as-needed basis.
 |
Parmagiani's boyfriend, Sam Tooks, is one of the outlaws-in-training. "I'm really quite shocked and disgusted with what I will become," said Tooks, 25, dressed in a torn, studded black leather vest and muddied teal sweatpants. "But I'm glad I'm here so at least I could prepare for it."
Tooks, a short, slight, former utility company accountant, noted that he has also learned to befriend large men. Hideaway Farms, he said, encourages scrawny, brainy males to strike up obsequious and servile relationships with "big dumb guys," as it is believed brawn will rule and small men will be discriminated against in leadership positions and mating. Parmigiani conceded she has been checking out some of the community's "lusty, bulky ape-males" in preparation for the day when her boyfriend Sam is exiled as an inferior or turned into a "she-boy."
Aside from Y2K training, Hideaway Farms residents have been busily hoarding the basic necessities: food, water, firearms and zinc oxide.
"Civilization may come to an end and your life span may be cut in half, but you've got to be concerned about sunburn, especially out on the prairie, where there are no tall buildings or smog to protect sensitive noses," explained Charles Cartwright, a physician from Baltimore who will head up Hideaway Farms' Infant Aftercare Program, in which newborns are placed on a remote mountaintop for seven days to see if they are strong enough to one day join the clan.
-- Anonymous, December 25, 2000