I don't know about you, but I haven't had sex in eleven years. Actually, if you want to get right down to it, neither have I been kissed or held somebody's hand or been in love with someone who loved me back, and some days I miss one thing over another, but I fear that I will never have any of it again.

Ever been celibate? Was it on purpose?

-- Kymm Zuckert (hedgehog@hedgehog.net), January 16, 2001

Answers

Twice: once during the Gulf War, when my husband was stationed in Saudi Arabia, and then again when he was ill (he had leukemia) receiving chemotherapy, and utterly wiped out 24/7. The first instance was nearly six months, and the second went on for about seven months, all totaled (I was also pregnant at the time, so even when he was feeling better, I wasn't up to it, then had that post- childbirth waiting period). I think the circumstances of both made it even more miserable than it otherwise would have been.

Kymm, hang in there.

-- Dreama (dreama@bluesilver.org), January 16, 2001.

Oh, Kymm, you know my story. I have corridors but they're not echoing quite yet.

But you also know my standard response -- celibacy can be better than sex with some people.

If all else fails, there's the story of my friend Maureen, who spent a lot of years alone but fell in love at last and married when she was 38. Had a baby when she was 40, and they all couldn't be happier. She has a husband and a son and a lovely home and about a million cats. So if that's what you want, don't despair.

You should read Dating Big Bird. Funny as hell and relevant to the situation.

-- Jette (jette@rootaction.net), January 16, 2001.

I am so celibate right now, I'd probably do a nun proud. Wait. That was a bad choice of words, wasn't it? Feh.

It's been over two years for me, two years last November. There was one very brief interlude where I had some hope developing that following February, but, no dice. (No, that's not a typo. I did mean to put the 'e' there.)

I don't think about it constantly, but sometimes, I hate it. Passionately. I have a very couples-oriented set of friends, and it's tough being the third (or fifth, or whatever) wheel sometimes.

And yeah, I miss having that whole requited love thing. Unrequited love bites.

-- Lisa Nichols (lisa@selkie.net), January 16, 2001.

It has been one year, one month, four days (or is it three? not quite sure) and I think 5 minutes since I last merged with another human being. Sometimes I do miss it and drive myself nearly insane with longing, but in the long run, I think it is better for me save myself for someone who is really worth giving myself completely to. It took my getting an STD for me to realize that sex was something too precious and intimate to just treat so cavalierly. Not everyone you meet is worth the intimacy. I'd rather be celibate and alive than fucking God knows who and end up getting something that can't be cured with antibiotics.

-- Vena (ladyv_39@yahoo.com), January 16, 2001.

I went without sex for five years during my first marriage. Sadly, he wasn't a prisoner of war or anything, just an idiot.

Why I stayed with him so long, I have no idea.

-- Robyn (robyn@hiwaay.net), January 20, 2001.

It's been a little over five years since I last had sex, although I have engaged in some pretty serious making out with one of the two women I've dated in that time. But ultimately neither of those dating experiences went anywhere.

I very much miss being close enough to someone to feel comfortable having sex with them. I'm not adamant about saving myself for The One, but it seems so rare that I meet someone I'm genuinely interested in, and even then either (1) They're already taken or (2) They turn out not to be interested in me. And casual sex isn't really my thing. I want a relationship.

And yes, certainly it could be me, but I'm essentially comfortable with who I am and am unlikely to change those essential characteristics. So...

To answer your questions: Yes, and no. :-)

mhr

-- Michael Rawdon (rawdon@spies.com), January 28, 2001.

For me, it has been five years (unless you count those 2-3 times that were randonly interspersed, but they were bad, really bad - I don't consider that counting!)

Thankfully, ya know, most of the time you just forget about libido when its been this long. The other times, when it does come up (no pun intended) ya just feel awkward, and who REALLY needs to be taken back to those "I was such a geeky virgin" days?

-- Carla (botacellipeon@yahoo.com), February 03, 2001.