AEON: Quick and simple. We get Bargeld, and we get out. No distractions.

LINDZE: I'll be glad to get out of there.

AEON: With your egg-headed boyfriend.

LINDZE: He's not an egghead. He's just very... inhibited.

BUTTHEAD: He sounds like a wuss.

BEAVIS: Yeah, really.

AEON: No time for tender reunions, Lindze.

LINDZE: I know. (cocks pistol)

BUTTHEAD: She should drop that dude and, like, "come to Butthead", uh huh huh...

Inside the cube, Aeon opens a hatch and looks around. She loses some of her bullets squeezing out - they fall down a grille.

AEON: Rats.

Falling through a pipe, the bullets land on a metal platform. One knocks the egg out of a dead lizard - it falls through a hole & into another pipe.

BUTTHEAD: That egg's gonna be an omelet soon.

BEAVIS: Cool!

Lindze climbs out of the hatch (with a bit more grace) and onto the narrow bridge above Aeon.

LINDZE: (kneeling down) What is it?

AEON: My ammo's gone.

Aeon's arm is reaching through the grille, trying to retrieve a bullet.

LINDZE: No time.

A wall-mounted gun starts blinking. Aeon jumps up out of the hole and they run for cover as it begins firing. Once they are clear, Aeon peeks out from behind the right-hand corner, looking down the next hallway.

LINDZE: Did you get that thing to work?

AEON: (ducking behind the wall) Shh!

Insectoid robots patrol the hallways, going in two directions, straight and left. Aeon hides behind the wall as they pass.

AEON: Get Bargeld and we'll rendevous back here. Now!

Aeon practically shoves Lindze into the hall. Once she has gone through the next door, Aeon opens up a panel in the wall. Hooking up a crude remote control device, she switches the lights in the hall as the next robot walks by. Seeing the light, it changes it's direction. Aeon, looking pleased with herself, chuckles softly.

BUTTHEAD: Uhh... hey, baby.

BEAVIS: She can hook me up anytime, heh heh.

Lindze walks through a door and down a flight of stairs, entering the bowels of the structure. Huh huh, I said "bowels".

Meanwhile, Bargeld is throwing darts at a picture of himself and Trevor. His quarters are full of books, beakers and test tubes. On his table is a fish suspended in paralytic fluid.

BARGELD: Ahh, finally.

He picks up what looks like a tazer (?) and inserts it into the tank. The electrical charge dissolves the fluid, and the fish swims free. Bargeld groans and doubles over.

BARGELD: (dictating into a tape recorder) Chairman Goodchild, just a note in case you were wondering. The fluid can be neutralized. I'm going to do it. Put my few remaining hours to good use. The inmates will swim free... there's nothing you can do about it, of course.

He laughs, then starts coughing and doubles over again. Inside his body, the virus eats away at his red blood cells.

BUTTHEAD: Uhh... is that sperm?

Just then, Lindze opens the door.

BARGELD: Lindze! What are you doing? How did-

LINDZE: Bargeld, come on! Let's go!

He starts backing away from her.

LINDZE: Oh no... what happened?

BARGELD: Please, don't come any closer. It's bad.

BUTTHEAD: What's wrong with this guy?

BEAVIS: Yeah, she's not that ugly.

BUTTHEAD: I'd do her.

BARGELD: I, uh, mixed some bad culture samples. You shouldn't have come.

LINDZE: Bargeld?

BARGELD: Just go! I... I mean, I can't go back now. Am I making sense?

Lindze embraces him.

BARGELD: Stay back! Are you insane?

BUTTHEAD: Don't you know I don't like girls?

LINDZE: This is why I came.

They kiss.

BEAVIS: Awww.

Out in the hallway, Aeon is still misdirecting robots. Once they are gone, she takes out a rubber band, ties it around what looks like a bomb, and places it in the hall. With that done, she enters the next room - empty, except for a sack in the corner, and one of those metal bees.

LINDZE: It doesn't matter. Aeon can take us... oh no, Aeon!

Taking Bargeld's hand, she begins to walk out.

BARGELD: Wait!

He grabs his tazer, but leaves the key to operate it.

LINDZE: Come on!

Outside, another oddly shaped submarine approaches the structure.

BUTTHEAD: Huh huh. It looks like a shlong.

It crashes through Aeon's vessel, destroying it.

BEAVIS: Yeees! They're finally breaking stuff!

When the sub reaches an indentation on the wall, it's parts seperate and lock into place. The wall folds in on itself. Inside, a strange process is taking place, as the occupants are transferred from the ship to a pod with human-shaped indentations. The tall, gaunt figure of Trevor steps out, accompanied by a strange four-armed woman.

BUTTHEAD: It's Senator Leiberman!

BEAVIS: Yeah, heh heh. "The Adventures Of Leiber-Man"!

BUTTHEAD: And his sidekick, Slut-Girl!

TREVOR: The process is working beautifully. (looks around) Aeon Flux can't be allowed to disrupt the thread-fine symbiotic harmony that thrives here. You will... subdue her for me, number 16?

She nods "yes", then throws a series of punches and kicks.

BEAVIS: Yes! Fight! Fight!

BUTTHEAD: Your kung fu is strong, Slut-Girl!

#16/Slut-Girl flares her hair. Trevor claps.

TREVOR: Ah, the republic's tax dollars, hard at work.

They open the inner airlock and start to walk through, but a nest of metallic bees attack. #16, who is coated in metal armor, screams and collapses.

BEAVIS: Heh heh, bees are cool. Bzzzzz!

TREVOR: Metal!

He removes his belt and the bees go for it. Laughing softly to himself, he walks down the corridor alone.

BUTTHEAD: Uhh... that sucked.

BEAVIS: Yeah, I wanted to see a fight!

Aeon is still inspecting the bag. It seems to be full of eggs, with the occasional bullet here & there.

AEON: (flicks the bee off) What? Huh...

She tries reloading her gun with the bullets, but most are incompatible. She tosses them aside & into the next room. Meanwhile, Lindze and Bargeld are looking for a way out.

BARGELD: I can't believe you got Aeon Flux involved in this! She only thinks of herself.

LINDZE: That's not true! I know Aeon. She's...

BARGELD: She's what, Lindze? Think- how much do you really know about Aeon Flux?

Aeon is still picking through the bullets. Some mutated creatures take notice, and begin eating the ones she tosses. Soon they are pounding on the glass, demanding more.

BUTTHEAD: Those guys are cool, huh huh.

BEAVIS: Hey Butthead, would you eat a bullet?

BUTTHEAD: If it tasted like a Nacho, I would.

Out in the hallway, a robot tips over Aeon's device. An alarm flashes. Four robots meet and start to combine.

BUTTHEAD: Uhh... what are they doing?

Lindze and Bargeld have arrived at the meeting point. No sign of Aeon.

BARGELD: I was right. I hate that.

LINDZE: (seeing Aeon's device) She must've run into trouble.

Aeon is still feeding the mutants as they walk by.

BEAVIS: She's still there?

BUTTHEAD: Yeah. What a dummy.

BEAVIS: What a dumbass!

In the hallway, we hear a whirring noise.

BARGELD: Your friend set the eradicator on us. Hurry!

They run down the hall, only to be confronted by a giant robot - a combination of the previous four.

BEAVIS: Heh heh, Transformers are cool.

LINDZE: Aeon!

AEON: (hearing Lindze's voice) Lindze.

She runs out into the hall. The mutants throw a tantrum, screaming and holding their heads.

BUTTHEAD: Whoa! Massive Slurpee headache!

Aeon looks in every direction, but can't find them.

AEON: Lindze? Bargeld?

Lindze and Bargeld are running from the eradicator. For a moment, they seem to have evaded it - then they reappear, right in front of it.

LINDZE AND BARGELD: Ahhhh!

BUTTHEAD: What is this, a comedy?

Bargeld opens up a panel, pulls a level and a secret door slides open. Make that a secret passage - it's barely big enough to squeeze through.

BEAVIS: That was stupid!

BUTTHEAD: Yeah, how's that fat chick Aeon supposed to get in there?

It peers into the opening, then marches (more like dances) around in frustration. Inside, Lindze is loading her gun.

BARGELD: Don't bother with that. Our only chance is to get to a place where I can use- (coughs)

LINDZE: Bargeld, don't talk now. Aeon and I have a plan.

BARGELD: Can't you see it? She's just another variable - a cat loose in Trevor's mouse maze. Aeon is trouble and nothing but.

BUTTHEAD: She's a bad mutha-

BEAVIS: Shut your mouth!

Aeon has run into the eradicator. Somersaulting back as it fires at her, she draws her gun, and shoots - but to no effect. The "bullets" produce only a sticky goo. Throwing the gun at it, she runs away.

Inside Bargeld's quarters, a tape plays back his monologue. Trevor is there, listening. Hearing the door open, he turns to see Aeon! She is too busy watching for the eradicator to notice him. But she does notice the pulsating sheets at the end of the room, accompanied by an odd moaning sound. Aeon smiles.

AEON: Lindze, enough fooling around. Let's go.

She pulls off the sheets to reveal an engine.

BEAVIS: Cool! Machines gettin' it on!

TREVOR: Your imagination has a gutter all it's own, Aeon.

AEON: Where's Bargeld and Lindze?

TREVOR: Bargeld's working for me. You're not taking him anywhere.

BUTTHEAD: He's jealous, huh huh.

AEON: You don't know where he is.

TREVOR: I don't. But he'll come to me. He can't escape, and neither can you. Your sub, I'm afraid, is feeding the bottom.

AEON: I'm glad destroying things gives you so much pleasure.

TREVOR: It's your vapid heroics that are contaminating my perfectly balanced ecosystem. What-

Trevor is knocked down by Aeon. He reaches for a weapon. Aeon opens up a glass case and takes out a pair of pincers - Trevor grabs an odd sort of octopus/whip hybrid.

BEAVIS: It's Rock `Em Sock `Em Sushi!

They circle each other for a while.

TREVOR: I don't think I have the slightest idea how this thing works. Look, Aeon, I've got a proposition for you.

AEON: Go ahead, proposition me.

BEAVIS: Yeah, heh heh. Proposition her!

BUTTHEAD: I like this cartoon because it's subtle.

Lindze and Bargeld are running down yet another corridor.

BARGELD: (staggers) Lindze, please... I can't keep going. Take the neutralizer.

LINDZE: (supporting Bargeld) Come on, we can do it. Which way now?

BARGELD: Down this vent... it comes out near my lab.

As they walk offscreen, the lizard's egg falls out of a pipe.

Back in the quarters, a metallic bee stings Aeon.

AEON: Ow! (flicks off the bee) I'm finding my friends and going.

TREVOR: You want to leave, fine. But not with the others. Share reconstitution with me.

BEAVIS: Is that a sports drink?

BUTTHEAD: Yeah, huh huh.

AEON: Reconstitution?

TREVOR: It's the only way out. Let me show you... we melt our bodies together to form a single composite being that can pass through the fluid. Two minds, one body.

Bees are swarming around Aeon.

AEON: Your little games always sound the same, Trevor.

Another bee sting. Aeon collapses.

TREVOR: Well, think it over. At least let me rid you of... (pulls off Aeon's underwear) These are what the insects want.

Lindze and Bargeld are watching through the window as Trevor appears to mount Aeon.

BUTTHEAD: Leiber-Man's gonna score, huh huh.

LINDZE: All this time... all along... and I couldn't see it. You were right, Bargeld. I hate her.

TREVOR: Don't be selfish, Aeon. Think about me for a change. I need a partner to escape myself. We must melt.

Aeon kicks Trevor onto her discarded jacket, then throws the metal key at him, causing the bees to swarm Trevor.

BEAVIS: You go, girl!

BUTTHEAD: Yeah, huh huh. Don't take any guff, sister!

Leaving the room, she just misses Lindze and Bargeld. She runs down the hall and opens a pair of double doors. Inside, a crowd of very strange looking people.

BEAVIS: Cool, lesbians!

BUTTHEAD: Ck One. Just be. Uhh, huh huh huh...

Meanwhile, the egg continues it's journey through the pipes.

BUTTHEAD: Didn't we see this already?

It falls through a ventilation shaft, lands in the cafeteria & breaks open. Aeon is sitting down right next to it, enjoying a leisurely lunch.

BUTTHEAD: What is it with this chick?

BEAVIS: Yeah, she has like, DDT or something.

While eating, Aeon accidentaly knocks over her drink, which lands on the egg. Across from her, two bishonen (well that's what they look like! Don't blame me, I didn't write this stuff) are drinking champagne, and at the next table, a family of mutants await their meal. A plate of seafood is brought by, and they quickly grab it up, pushing aside the youngest member. When they finish, he finds the plate empty.

BEAVIS: Hey, you didn't leave any! Buttholes!

TREVOR (VO): A dream can seem to last for hours, and yet, I awaken to find I have been sleeping for only a few minutes. The Habitat was my dream, and soon it will be gone.

As he speaks, the egg is turning the liquid a nasty color. It begins to spread, eating away at the leg of a table.

TREVOR: Bargeld could save it, but he's dying. I could save Aeon, but she will not come. Who will save me?

BUTTHEAD: Huh huh, Leiber-Man's messed up.

Aeon is running down a circular corridor. Lindze appears and trips her.

LINDZE: (holding the gun at Aeon) Quick and simple. No distractions, no tender reunions.

Bargeld walks over to a hatch.

BARGELD: Keep an eye on her while I neutralize the fluid.

AEON: It's not what you think, Lindze. I was only late because-

BUTTHEAD: Because I'm a slut.

LINDZE: Because you couldn't wait to sell us out to that sheep-shearing visionary. (to Bargeld) You were right. Why did I trust her?

Bargeld grunts as he struggles to turn the wheel. The inner door slides open.

AEON: Lindze, what's happened to you? You look really... sick.

We see the virus in Lindze's body.

AEON: We have to get you out of here.

LINDZE: Yes, and look at you.

The camera pans down to show Aeon's body.

BEAVIS: Hey! You got a problem with her outfit?

BUTTHEAD: She looks cool, huh huh.

LINDZE: I figure I'm doing everyone a favor, even Trevor. You've got him eating out of your fingers.

Bargeld slides the neutralizer into the fluid outside.

AEON: You don't understand any of this, Lindze.

LINDZE: You're right.

BARGELD: No, wait!

Back in the cafeteria/lounge/whatever, the liquid has turned into an acid, eating away at the floor. The freaks run for cover. Outside, a small chunk of cube falls off.

LINDZE: What is it?

BARGELD: The key! It's gone!

LINDZE: What key?

BARGLD: It's useless without it, completely useless. I've failed.

AEON: Your key?

Back at the quarters, bees still swarm around the key as the acid starts to creep in. Aeon laughs.

LINDZE: Shut up! How dare you!

AEON: I know where your precious key is, Bargeld.

Elsewhere in the habitat, paralytic fluid begins to pour in through the holes in the wall.

BARGELD: Aeon, the key?

LINDZE: It's a trick! She doesn't know anything. Come on Bargeld, we can still get back to the submarine.

BUTTHEAD: What a bunch of bungholes!

AEON: (shakes her head) The sub is gone. Trevor saw to that.

LINDZE: And you no doubt helped him!

AEON: We don't have time for this.

BARGELD: She's right. (to Aeon) All right, take us to it.

AEON: I can get there faster myself.

She runs off.

BARGELD: Ohhh...

LINDZE: Come on.

BARGELD: I... can't...

They are confronted by the eradicator. It advances toward them, but fails to notice the acid eating away the floor. As they are cornered by it, it crashes through, and they fall back through a trap door. Liquid fills the hallway.

BUTTHEAD: That's convenient.

Aeon takes the same route Lindze took, through the bowels (huh huh, bowels) of the habitat. Inside the secret tunnel, Lindze is carrying Bargeld up a ladder. The acid is right behind them.

BEAVIS: This reminds me of chemistry class, heh heh.

BUTTHEAD: Uhh... this reminds me of a wet dream I had.

Aeon bursts in to find the room filling with acid & paralytic fluid. Demonstrating quick thinking, (for once) she breaks open a glass case, takes out the axe (or whatever it is- looks like an oversized wrench) and uses it to distract the bees. Snapping up the key, she runs.

Lindze is trying to open the hatch at the top. At the last second, Trevor opens it for them, pulling them to safety.

TREVOR: I'm in a hurry, so we won't debate who tracked the mud into my brand-new petri dish.

LINDZE: What are you going to do with us?

TREVOR: I'm going to cure you, and get you out of here. This project is obviously at an end. I'm sorry you have to see your life's greatest achievement destroyed, Bargeld.

BUTTHEAD: But you still have me.

BARGELD: Aeon... Flux.

BEAVIS: Flux that!

The habitat's foundation is beginning to crumble, as the hallways fill with fluid. Trevor approaches the main airlock with Lindze and Bargeld.

LINDZE: If we go, what about you? It takes two, right?

BEAVIS: It takes twooo, bab-y!

TREVOR: I'm waiting for Aeon.

LINDZE: (to Bargeld) What choice do we have?

BARGELD: It's your decision, of course. But if you don't go, I guarantee you'll be dead in five minutes.

LINDZE: Let's do it, Bargeld. Let's go.

Bargeld collapses for one final time.

LINDZE: Bargeld? Oh my god!

BUTTHEAD: How ironic.

Meanwhile, the fluid continues to rise around Aeon.

AEON: Lindze! Bargeld!

She climbs up a pipe to escape the green acid.

Lindze is clutching Bargeld's body and sobbing. Trevor places his hand on her shoulder.

TREVOR: Come on.

BUTTHEAD: (TV announcer voice) Will the Amazing Spider-Woman survive Leiber-Man's deadly ruse?

They are about to climb into the pod, but Trevor hesitates.

TREVOR: If she isn't here by now... they say cats always land on their feet, but at this point there's really no floor.

BUTTHEAD: He thinks he's funny, huh huh.

BEAVIS: Yeah, heh heh. Leiber-Man's a dork!

They begin the "process".

Aeon drops down from an overhead pipe and runs to the airlock. She locks the door, but it's too late- looking out the window, she can see that Trevor's ship has left.

AEON: Idiots.

Just then, the green acid begins eating through the walls. Paralytic fluid rushes in. Backing away, Aeon notices the dead body of Bargeld - and the neutralizer. She reaches for it, but it is covered in fluid. Aeon climbs up onto a platform to stay dry. Outside, we can see that half the cube is gone. A torrent of fluid rushes through the hall.

BUTTHEAD: Uhh, is this Titanic?

Inside the airlock, Aeon begins to take off her leggings.

BEAVIS: Wah wah wah waaah...

Wrapping them around an overhead pipe, she uses them as a rope. But it's too late - the acid is eating the ceiling. It spreads down to her "rope". The inner airlock bursts open, and fluid fills the room. Aeon screams, the leggings break, and we see the cube now, totally destroyed.

BUTTHEAD: She should've, like, ordered a root beer, instead of that acid-floor-dissolving thing.

BEAVIS: Yeah, heh heh. Or some Crappucino!

We see the neutralizer, floating in a sea of paralytic fluid. The key comes incredibly close to it, but just misses the slot. Close up on Aeon's expression of horror, and her panic-stricken eyes, frozen forever.

BEAVIS: That sucks!

BUTTHEAD: Yeah, huh huh. What a waste.

FADE OUT - but the boys are still talking.

BEAVIS: I think this is like, a metaphor for how the director can never score or something.

BUTTHEAD: Uhh, yeah. But like, you know that Leiber-Man dude? I bet he gets some.

BEAVIS: Whoa, really? Cool!

Back to Beavis & Butthead's couch. They cackle for a while, then try to think of something to do.

BUTTHEAD: Uhh... hey Beavis, are there any of those pancakes left?

BEAVIS: Yeah, heh heh. With extra mayonnaise.

BUTTHEAD: Cool!

A dimensional portal opens above their couch. Aeon Flux falls out, landing right between them.

BUTTHEAD: (shocked) Whoa!

BEAVIS: (shocked and slack-jawed) Yeah!

AEON: (looking around) Hmm... a little rustic, but it'll do.

BUTTHEAD: Uhh, huh huh huh.

BEAVIS: Heh heh, mhm heh heh heh.

AEON: (in her sultriest voice) Hello, boys.

BUTTHEAD: Uhh... hey, baby.

AEON: I've been dimension-hopping for some time now, and I could use some company. Now, which one of you wants to lick my feet?

BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD: Yeeees!!!

BUTTHEAD: (to Beavis) I have seen the promised land, and it is good.

They start headbanging. Aeon joins in.

Back in the real world, Butthead is asleep on the couch.

BEAVIS: Hey Butthead, wake up.

BUTTHEAD: Uhh... what?

BEAVIS: Like, the program's over.

BUTTHEAD: Huh huh... I had a cool dream. We like, scored with this chick in black leather.

BEAVIS: Cool! Heh heh... so like, what are we gonna do now?

BUTTHEAD: Uhh... eat?

BEAVIS: I think there are some nachos under the cushions.

BUTTHEAD: Then like, get them out, bunghole. I'm hungry.

BEAVIS: Yeah, heh heh.

Beavis fishes through the couch.

BUTTHEAD: That was a pretty cool dream...

Beavis comes up with a pair of black leather undies.

BEAVIS: Whoa! Check this out!

BUTTHEAD: Uhh, or was it?

(cue Beavis & Butthead metal riffs)

BUTTHEAD: YES!!!

BEAVIS: We scored! We really scored!

BUTTHEAD: Cool!

_

_

_

_

Author's Notes:

(so there you have it, my first MSTfic. Whew... apologies for the late posting, but a family crisis came up (I know, don't they always?), and then, while re-typing the damn thing, my keyboard jammed on me! Pesky nachos, gettin' into the keys...

Anyway, I hope you had as much fun reading it as I did writing it. As you can probably guess, I'm a huge MST3K fan, as well as B & B. It was only a matter of time before my interests converged. Don't ask about the Senator Leiberman thing... it just felt like something they'd say. And of course, the big question... did Beavis & Butthead really score? Well... remember the end of Total Recall, when Arnie says "if this is a dream, don't wake me"? This is along those lines. I'll let your imagination (and stomach) decide the rest. Thanks for reading!)

STINGER: Lindze and Bargeld running into the eradicator.

LINDZE AND BARGELD: Ahhhh!

-- Paul (gilbreathfamily@worldnet.att.net), January 25, 2001

Answers

Everyone knows the epitaph for B&B will be 'they never scored'...the concept and writing on this was great, and ran true to course. Good to read something creative like this, escapism, what would we do without it!

-- Barb e. (Suesuesbeo@aol.com), January 26, 2001.

Leiberman although you don't know hwy you put it in there is my favorite part. I really laughed thinking of the 2 boys, talking about super hero Leiberman. What is a Bishonen?

-- Dikes Mcfrenzy (nadar@BigPoppaPump.zzn.com), January 26, 2001.

That was the most fun I had in a while. THis was a successful trail run for MST3k Against anything. I was thougholly impressed. And a Bishounen according to the direct tranlation is a handsome youth. You can probably guess waht everyone else uses it for.

-- FireWyrm-Zero (FireWyrmzero@variousanimesite.every1.net), January 31, 2001.