I wasn't going to ask this, but I trust you guys not to turn this into ... well, you know what I'm afraid of. So tell me: have you ever injured yourself in the sack? Ever accidentally kneed your partner in the balls, or whacked your head on the headboard, or thrown out your back? Share, share, share. (You don't have to be graphic unless you really want to be.)

-- Anonymous, January 31, 2001

Answers

For a while, we were living on a bed that had no boxspring or slats to support it. We used those things that one uses when one is utilizing a fork lift to move something. Pallettes? Anyway.. they stuck out over the edge of the bed a bit. And had some rough edges. Not a good thing.

-- Anonymous, January 31, 2001

Our mattress and boxspring are on the floor for this very reason. See, the orginal bed frame was a cheapy one with wheels that locked. Except, if you're enthusiastic enough, locked wheels don't mean the bed is going to actually stay in one place.

So we rolled over, our attention sort of distracted, and meant to push up against the wall for, uh, traction. Leverage. You know. What happened was that I ended up folding in half and plunging down between the bed and the wall.

My neck, luckily, was not broken. My back, sadly, was sore for weeks. My career as an atheletic bed partner was cut short abruptly.

(But now that the bed's on the floor, I've managed to whack my head against the pointy-cornered night stand oh, a thousand times. Both in the heat of the moment, and just plain stupidly.)

-- Anonymous, January 31, 2001

Broke our bed the first week we lived together. When it hit the floor, we were in the middle of a fairly convoluted maneuver and the impact threw my hip all out of whack. I limped for a week.

The things we do for love.

-- Anonymous, January 31, 2001

Let's just say that I had a recurring knee issue ever since G leaned his full weight on one of my legs while it was folded in a peculiar manner.

-- Anonymous, January 31, 2001

have now resorted to flipping a coin to decide who has to sit at the faucet end of the tub... (sore back, neck, bruising, etc)

oh! and poison ivy once

(not sure if these qualify as clumsy... maybe just stupid!)

-- Anonymous, January 31, 2001

My ex and I broke his bed once, but that's nothing compared to a really good friend. She broke her (then) boyfriend's nose with the cast that was on her broken arm. Now that's talent.

-- Anonymous, January 31, 2001

I had abrasion scars on the insides of my knees once from--from--TMI? from being on top. I was housemate to another man who perhaps hadn't noticed he liked me until I started going out with the one I'd ripped my skin up for, and so when he asked me, casually, how I had hurt myself (summer--wearing shorts), I just looked at him. He crimsoned.

I might be doing it wrong, but I do tend to notice if I'm slamming my head against a wall and move before I get a goose-egg. I confess I have kneed someone in the groin during or while rolling and I understand it hurts worse when someone's engorged than when not? It hurts a lot, anyway.

I haven't had sex in a car for a long time, I'm happy to say. If I tried now I bet my back and knees would make me suffer.

-- Anonymous, January 31, 2001

And by the way, I can't believe a dozen people just got email about my sex-induced injuries. Bring on the new forum.

-- Anonymous, January 31, 2001

This may be more of a "too clumsy for new relationships" post: Once, long ago, as I dozed off next to my new girlfriend, I began to put my arm around her. I swear I fell asleep in mid-gesture, and what woke us both up was the impact of my limp arm dropping as I nodded off. It caused my closed hand to make firm contact with her forehead. She sat bolt upright and exclaimed, "Why did you hit me?" I never gave a sufficiently convincing explanation.

-- Anonymous, January 31, 2001

I sometimes have bone twisting charlie-horses in my legs, at the worst possible moment. Usually I soldier through to the end, and then start writhing (sp?) in pain.

Jim

-- Anonymous, January 31, 2001

Serious injuries, no. I did once have an ex roll over on my glasses -- I usually take them off but hadn't this time, and then they fell off and I really wasn't paying attention to that sort of thing -- and break them in a bizarre way that was utterly un-fixable. The optometrist I went to swore he had never seen glasses broken quite that way before, and kept asking me what had happened, and I just couldn't quite figure out how to answer. (Nor how to explain to my mother why I needed money for a new pair of glasses when I'd just gotten a new pair a few months previous.)

-- Anonymous, January 31, 2001

I have whacked the boyfriend in the face with one arm or another (and my knee, once) many, many times while...um...switching things around.

My most basic clumsiness, though, comes in undressing. It's impossible to pull off pants in anything resembling a sexy manner when your hips are bigger than your waist. There's nothing particularly arousing about what I call the "shrug".

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2001

I once, um, got a spasm in my right thigh/hipbone area and nearly fell off the bed from the sudden pain. "No, no, i'm okay don't worry..."

And i broke a lamp with a too-enthusiastic leg maneuver.

I think that's all.

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2001

Once, in the summer the neighbor looked at my husband's scabbed knees peeking out beneath his shorts and said,"Rugburns?" To which he nodded, with a sneaky grin.

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2001

A band my sweetie likes: the Clumsy Lovers! The music is fun, energetic Celtic rock. He's got one of their t-shirts, black, with two comic strip speech balloons: "Ouch!" "Sorry!"

More on topic, Yohannon on Rotunda.com has a piece on sex positions for fat people. He recommends doing some stretches before you begin.

Anita of Anita's BOD and Anita's LOL

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2001

Never again will I consider myself fat.

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2001

Kneed him in the balls countless times. Rolled over onto my glasses. Cracked my head on his skull a few times. Strained a wrist. I think that's all.

-- Anonymous, February 01, 2001

i'm sure i've banged into something at some point or another, but nothing terribly memorable. (this is, of course, from the girl who regularly turns up with small bruises she can't remember where she got.)

i did once acquire a blister of significant size in, um, an exceedingly delicate area. *that* was memorable, especially since i didn't immediately connect it with recent activity, and wondered if i'd sprouted some sort of odd venereal disease.

-- Anonymous, February 02, 2001

My partner knees me in the balls every chance she gets. She get so hyped from watching WWF and Stone Cold, The Rock and that bitch Chyna, that her form of foreplay resembles a Texas death cage match.

Like last night, as soon as I am naked, sprawled out on my back, arms and legs spread wide ready for a little tender luvin', she takes a flying leap from the corner of the bed an performs a raging 360 degree knee drop right into my groin. It hurt so bad, if it weren't for my hands and feet being bound, I wouldn't have let her grind her womanhood on my face.

One of these days I am going to stand up to her. I am not going to be her little yes man! If she wants me naked, my mouth covered with duct tape and my wrists and ankles tied to the bed posts, dambit, she's gonna hafta do it herself. My mom is getting too old and weary to keep having to come over in the middle of the night.

-- Anonymous, February 02, 2001

Crudeboy, whether or not you are a troll, I'm sure we all agree that you need help.

-- Anonymous, February 02, 2001

Thank haysuess for Tom Dean. I'll take any help I can get. Will you be my tag team partner?

-- Anonymous, February 02, 2001

I say this in fun, okay? I bet a lot of people would like to tie you down and cover your mouth with duct tape.

-- Anonymous, February 02, 2001

Got an unbelievable blister on the top of my foot once that almost prohibited me from wearing shoes....

That man left a scar on my body as well as on my heart....

-- Anonymous, February 02, 2001

hi i m dev here waiting for message

-- Anonymous, February 03, 2001

Okay, Dev, you do that.

Y'all are making me feel downright graceful with these stories. And if you want, I can start some kind of automated sign-up sheet for anyone who wants to get in line to duct tape and hogtie Crudeboy.

-- Anonymous, February 03, 2001

As long as I'm the one who gets to kneel on his shoulders, and slap him when he gets mouthy, I'm in.

-- Anonymous, February 04, 2001

My husband and I were getting frisky in the shower, and in a manuever to give ME the warm showerhead side of the tub, he fell out. Of the tub. Taking the shower curtain and rod (which WAS attached to the tiles in the shower... now we have a NEW rod that is tensioned ABOVE the tiles...) with him. Into the floor. He swears up and down that I pushed him out. I could barely stop laughing long enough to ask him if he was okay. Part of the reason it happened was I had JUST taken a bubble bath (which transforms the tub into the tub-of-death), so it was slick already, and he HAD to have his shower THEN before I could properly un-death the tub... and then he HAD to have me in there with him, too... it was HIS fault, right???

-- Anonymous, February 04, 2001

i know 2 separate people who have sustained serious hand injuries from soap dishes breaking while being clutched in the throes of passion (be careful when playing in the shower/bath, everyone!).

i bashed my ex's head into a wall while doing some, er, backdoor lovin'. also broke 2 beds (though i think they were probably on their last legs anyway). and i had a permanent bruise on my left knee for about a year and a half due to a very small single bed positioned next to the wall.

-- Anonymous, February 04, 2001

OH MY - I think I just found a good reason to be single.

...actually. I take that back. My new mattress and bed frame is so friggin high and my old existing [to short for the new bed] nite tables always prove to be dangerous when I try to hit the snooze button. I often miss and actually roll off the bed to land knee first on the hardwood floor, usually after hitting the siderails first.

Bah, I'm clumsy even while sleeping.

-- Anonymous, February 05, 2001

A tender moment in the shower, she gets over enthusiastic, pulls down the shower curtain and rod. The end of the rod, propelled by gravity and her lunge strikes me in the face, cracking my cheek bone and opening up a cut. I knock myself silly trying to get out of the way of the rod of doom, and fall, cracking two ribs. Woke up in the ambulance.

Showers are not playthings. Make sure you are wearing the proper safety equipment before venturing into one the those deathtraps. The hard part was explaining to the nurse I couldn't leave the hospital right then, because I had no clothes. She couldn't seem to grasp why I would be naked in the middle of the day. Apparently, my injuries were put down at the admission desk as 'sports related'.

-- Anonymous, February 07, 2001

I don't blame it on clumsiness, maybe lack of proper stretching, but during a particularly exciting climax, I got a bad, fuck-off cramp in my calf and fell on top of my GF. Unfortunately we were already on the edge of the bed...

She had a black-eye for a few days, and a nasty rug-burn right above her eye. I still can't figure out how she landed face down.

-- Anonymous, February 14, 2001

Ouch, rugburns. Forgot about those. I 'member one time doing it on the dorm room floor while happily drunk. It started missionary double hooked leg style on one side of the room and ended up missionary double hooked leg style half way under the bed on the other side. Double strawberries on my knees - hurt to wear jeans for two days. I must've been numb to the pain that night. Alchohol and missionary double hooked leg style don't mix.

-- Anonymous, February 14, 2001

Speaking of rugburns...

I ended up having sex one night with my best guy friend (read: drinks). At one point we rolled off the bed on to the floor. The next day he pulled up his pants to show me his leg which was absolutely disgusting. Torn and cut completely from his rug. Huge blood stain on the carpet.

The funny thing was a few months later we were sitting with a group of people talking about him moving in to a new place. He was talking about cleaning the carpet. I told him that it shouldn't be a big deal and asked if he had any stains? He smiled at me and said, "just the one". :)

-- Anonymous, February 14, 2001

to answer your question about being hurt "in the sack," yes, my partner has been inflicted with pain by accident. Occasionally my knee would make contact with his 'balls' and he would just stop in mid motion and start groaning. i have done this countless times, and each time he'd stop, with his eyes open wide, and start moaning. its quite funny to look at. however, i know that being kneed in the balls can hurt extremely. i know this may sound like i am a sadist, but i find it quite intertaining to "accidently" bump any apandage of mine into his family jewels, not hard though because i dont want any damage done. i urge you women out there to try it occasionally, it takes the stress out of you to see "bigger" man at your mercy. however, if you do inflict pain in their manhood, make up for it. give them a little pleasure afterwards. so i will end this message with this: Go Knee Some Nuts!

-- Anonymous, May 06, 2001

My bed has a bookcase headboard, and on that headboard is your various assortment of things that you'd keep there like a lamp, kleenex, bottle of water, and portable stereo. Well, the first time the lover and I fooled around on my bed we got a little bit energetic, and apparently the headboard was doing some moving, and the stereo came crashing down on my head. Didn't leave a mark though, which is good because explaining how exactly a stereo fell on my head without going into any detail would have been interesting...

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2001

Once, we were both wearing bathrobes, just missionary style on the living room floor - when I realized we were MOVING... moving backwards... suddenly, my shoulder hit the couch and I started saying, "Moving! Couch! Shouldercouch! Ow!" Not cool. Nuh-uh.

-- Anonymous, July 02, 2001

Uhhh I was having the beginnings of what I thought was gonna be a "good ole time" but, first off... we was movin' and a groovin' and BAM I fell off the friggin bed and smacked my head on a dresser drawer that had been left open than, after the whole "oh yeah I'm alright" bit we tried it again.. than after a little wiggling and trying to figure out some new-fangled never heard of position... I kicked him in the nuts. Boy oh Boy!. It coulda been a good one but... of course not! I told him... "I don't think 3 times is gonna be a charm" HAHA! Catch ya'll later!

-- Anonymous, July 25, 2001