I hope that this question will not sound naive. I have known my fiance for 5 years now. Our relationship was only a friendship for the first two years or so. About a week ago he sat me down and told me that he has Asperger's Syndrome. I had no clue what this was or what this meant so I have been doing a lot of research on it. I guess I'm a little bit hurt and confused as to why he has kept it a secret for so long, and I suppose I've noticed some things before he told me about it and I just didn't know what caused him to act like that. I guess I'm just wondering, how this is going to affect our relationship? Because ever since he has told me he blames everything on well I didn't know, I don't know how to act in social situations where before that never happened. I guess I'm just looking for advice and any information anyone could give me. He just seems so ashamed of all of this, and I'm wondering if maybe counseling or something would be good for him.

-- Amanda Smith (Mandalynn59@cs.com), February 02, 2001

Answers

Hi Amanda

Have you seen this website? www.faaas.org It focuses on how partners and family members relate to someone who has Asperger's Syndrome. I found it helpful, although I must admit it was somewhat depressing too. (There are, namely, personal accounts written by wives whose husbands have AS, and some of the accounts are a bit bleak.) Perhaps in the beginning, since you have just learned your fiance has AS, you will see him in a new perspective --- not just as your fiance but as an AS person. In one sense this is good, because it might help you to find explanations for why he possibly says and does things that frustrate you. I can add that my boyfriend has AS, and just knowing that has helped me in our own relationship. If you think your fiance needs counseling, you can suggest that to him, although of course it is his decision whether to get it. A better idea might be to participate in some kind of couples communication workshop/counseling, where you both can express your feelings about your relationship. That is, if you feel you need this. I hope this e-post has helped a little,

Paulina

-- Paulina (lw97mil@hotmail.com), February 03, 2001.

Amanda, I think Paulina's advice is very good, and I would add a thought. You said that you have known your fiance for five years. That's a lot of experience with an individual. I think that your own experience of him over the five years should serve as a tremendous resource against which to assess what he has told you. In a way, you already know how AS is going to affect your relationship with him. It already has been for five years, even though you didn't have a label to apply to it. Don't let the label obscure the fact of your own experience. Regards, Maureen

-- Maureen Garde (mgarde@superlink.net), February 03, 2001.