Al Gore Liberalism: You have two cows. The government forces you to keep them in a "lockbox". You die while the congress debates the issuance of keys.

-- David Little (dlittle@coade.com), February 07, 2001

Answers

George Bush Compassionate Conservitism: You have two cows. The Government builds a massive missle shield to defend them. But the arcenic in the water kills them. Then you are told not to mess with Texas.

-- Matthew Valji (MatthewV@aol.com), May 08, 2001.

MAFIA-ISM: You have two cows. The Mob kills one, leaves the head under your bedsheets, and makes you pay protection with milk from the other.

-- Timothy Smith (wvmontani@yahoo.com), November 01, 2001.

Corporate Capitalism: You have two cows -- IN THEORY. But, ACTUALLY, you have shares in a mutual fund that includes a large agribusiness conglomerate which gives you the theoretical equivalent of ownership of two cows. This agribusiness proceeds to invest heavily in a slick "Got Milk?" celebrity campaign while moving aggressively into application of Monsanto's recombinant Bovine Growth Hormone (rBGH), a bioengineered hormone which is injected in the cows every other week to force the cows to produce more milk than their bodies normally would. rBGH is similar, although not identical, to a hormone that the cow naturally produces. Increasing levels of this hormone boosts milk production, causing a number of problems with the milk, among them, raising levels of pus, antibiotics residues and a cancer-accelerating hormone called IGF-1. Your shares rapidly rise in value as you watch your virtual herd grow to four, then eight, and eventually SIXTEEN theoretical cows . . . before the market finally crashes. Some years later you are diagnosed with cancer of the colon, too late, unfortunately, to treat it benignly because your HMO had cut back on screening tests as a cost-saving move in order to meet the high dividend expectations of the very same mutual fund your 401k was invested in. A colonectomy keeps you alive, for the time-being at least, but you have to wear a bag of shit strapped to your leg for the remaining years of your life. Still, at least it's a better quality of life than those factory cows lead . . . Maybe two cows WOULD have been enough . . .

for more on rBGH, go to: http://www.ejnet.org/bgh/nogood.html

-- Steve Catton (slcatton@northcoast.com), November 09, 2001.

Clintonism: If you have two cows. He has sex with one of them and tells the other barnyard animals that they are both big fat liars!

-- Dan Golden (deez3po@yahoo.com), December 06, 2001.

Animal Rights Activists: You have two cows. They let the cows go. You starve to death, all of them die from mad cow disease.

-- Dan Golden (deez3po@yahoo.com), December 06, 2001.

Ludditism: You have two cows. You milk them by hand.

-- Deena Larsen (textr@chisp.net), December 30, 2001.

ENRON: You have two cows. You borrow 80% of the forward value of the two cows from your bank then buy another cow with 5% down and the rest financed by the seller on a note callable if your market cap goes below $20B at a rate 2 time prime. You now sell three cows to your publicly listed company, using a letter of credit opened by your brother-in-law at a 2nd bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more and this transaction process is upheld by your independent auditor and no Balance Sheet provided with the press release that announces that Enron as a major owner of cows will begin trading cows via the Internet site COW (cows on web).

-- Rob Perlman (Perl35@aol.com), January 22, 2002.

Art: You hire two cows to model nude. You paint a triangle and do an interpritave dance.

-- Sam B. (saml88@yahoo.com), February 21, 2002.

Euripean Aged Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to get the better third one without the total number of cows owned by you exceed two. Any cow found by any your cow sexual appealing may join your herde. You are constantly in trouble your cows have not enough jobs, while your cows mean they work too hard. The smarter cows from less developed regions replicate themselves, drink your milk and hold you and native-born cows for idiots.

-- Michael (i_mikhail@hotmail.com), July 04, 2002.

Canadian Economics: You have 200 cows (2 cows American)

-- (kolasinski.2@osu.edu), July 31, 2002.