Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe Contest.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
--Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show, August 22

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
-- Frank Rizzo, Ex-police Chief and Mayor of Philadelphia

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of Principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
-- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

-- Anonymous, March 13, 2001

Answers

I don't get it.

-- Anonymous, March 13, 2001

Dan:

Matt Lauer was telling a deliberate joke. The rest just didn't come out the way they were intended.

-- Anonymous, March 13, 2001

I read these while I was at work today. I really (REALLY) needed the laugh.

Thanks, Cherri.

-- Anonymous, March 13, 2001

If you need to laugh,

all you really need is a cat and a piece of string.

2 is better.

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2001

Chicken,

It's even better if you go high-tech.

The local electronics supply had some laser pointers on sale. We have had more fun watching the cats chase that little red dot than you'd believe. :)

Of course, I've HEARD that you can also use that laser pointer at night to terrorize drivers on the road. Especially in a high-crime area; just let the dot kindof wander over the dash of the victim's car and you'll see the driver SLINK down into his seat, then pull on through the red light ... [eg]

(Not that I'd do ANYTHING like that, mind you.)

(Especially not around here, 'cuz they're likely to start shooting back!!!)

( ;)

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2001

Stephen, you are right about those lasers, cats go crazy, I think they see colors in them we cannot.

The police have made it clear that no one can play with those things in public, some kid was shining one on Ken Griffey Jr during a game a few years ago, which caused quite a public outcry, as well as people shining them on Cops which they have publicly informed the public that when that happened they would treat it as a threat and explained the consequences if anyone was foolish enough to try to do it. *grin*. There were a lot of young teens that thought it was cute who were scared out of their wits when the police came into their homes and treated they like big time criminals. The little attitudes the kids had were knocked out of them real fast! Now that was funny.

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2001

Cherri:

We have a small herd of cats. At one time we had nine. Age has decreased our herd to 5 [the last one died at 23; cats didn't live that long when I was a kid]. They like the lasers but a small pocket flash light is better; at least for my cats. My observation is that some cats will do this and others look at the beam, look at you and yawn. It is sort of a reflection of what you see from people here.

Cheers,,,,,

Z

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2001

One thing's for certain. Chocolate doesn't give me the munchies.

-- Anonymous, March 15, 2001